by Van Barrett
“Right.” I shook my head. “I'm sorry, Alan. I've already told you guys what my plans are and nothing's changed. Right now I'm focused on the tournament. I don't wanna talk about anything else. I'm sorry.”
He took off his hat and held it over his heart. “River. I'm coming to you, hat in hand. I'm begging you, River. Come home. Come home to the team that drafted you. We want you, River. We want you to lead our future. We'll make you a very rich man! You know that, right?”
“I don't doubt it. But it's not all about money to me, Alan, and I've earned the right to explore my options.”
“You'll be making a mistake.” He shook his head. “A huge one.”
That sounded almost like a threat. I raised an eyebrow at him. “How so?”
“All I'll say, River, is what I told you before.”
“Which is?”
“You're putting us in a bad position. A position where it's us against you. And we're not gonna get caught with our pants down looking like the chump in this situation.”
“Uh … okay?”
Alan patted my shoulder. “Have yourself a great tournament, alright?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
I watched him walk off.
The hell? What's he getting at?
***
After the morning skate, we had a team lunch at a restaurant. I had steak and potatoes – one of my favorite game day meals. The boys were mostly loose. Jono sat at the end of the table and stayed quiet. I knew the others were concerned about him, too. But what else could we do?
After lunch, we were ferried back to the hotel and went off to our separate rooms. I shared a room with Lettuce. We talked for a bit, then took our pre-game naps.
Then it was time to head back to the arena for the game.
Coach J kept Jono as the first line center. But after I set him up for two great chances, and he flubbed them both, Coach put him back on third line duty. Jono obviously didn't have his legs today. Again.
The game was tight in the first period, with the score knotted at 1-1. But after the second period, Coach stapled Jono's ass to the bench, and the team took off. We finished the Huskies off 5-1. After a tense first period, I was glad the rest of the game wasn't a hard fight for every inch. It's good to get off to a great start like that – breezing through the first round means we're in that much better shape for Round 2.
After the game, we all undressed in the room. I couldn't help but keep my eye on Jono. He didn't say a word. He undressed moodily, caught up and stewing in his own misery. He was a man on an island. It sucked to see him like this – after all our years together, this was how it was gonna end? With Jono getting benched while the rest of us played great? Didn't seem right.
We celebrated in the dressing room after the game – but not too hard. There were still three more rounds to go. And we still had some glaring problems.
One by one, the boys left the dressing room and boarded the bus. Jono was one of the first to go. I went later. But in the hall, I saw Jono talking with somebody. It was Alan Rickert. Which shouldn't be too strange, because Jono is also property of Carolina … but for some reason … I didn't like it.
And I didn't like how they finished up whatever it was they were talking about when I approached.
“Hey, River. Just catching up with ol' Jono here,” Alan said.
“Oh.”
“Good game by the way, River! You played great.”
“Thanks.”
Jono turned to Alan. “Well, alright Alan, I'll catch you later.”
“Yep, you too, Jono.”
I walked with Jono to the bus, keeping my skeptical eyes glued to Alan.
Why do I have a bad feeling about this …
35
Pan Out
– Lane –
Well, I was starting to get a glimpse of what life is like with a professional athlete, and I'll say this: it's definitely not ideal. Especially not when you're trying to have this secret love affair.
I texted River after that Round 1 victory: “Great game! I'm so happy for you! Deke is fed and eagerly awaiting your return. ;)”
But I wouldn't be waiting alongside Deke – I wanted to respect River's space. And maybe have a little self-respect too.
The night went by and I received no reply. Understandable. I know, I get it, he's busy. (Although to be fair, it doesn't take but a few seconds to send a text.)
But Sunday came and went, classes resumed on Monday, and I still hadn't heard back from River. I was resolved not to text him again: the ball was in his court. The days dragged by. Slowly. Every time my phone buzzed, I hoped it was him. It wasn't. Until at last it was, on Friday.
“Hey dude. So sorry I never responded. Coach worked us all week and I haven't had a free moment!! Can u take care of Deke again tonight?”
Hmmpf. Why was this starting to feel like all the other bad situations I'd gotten myself into with self-serving types?
Nonetheless, I wrote back, “Sure.”
Maybe he was mad at me? We hadn't left on the greatest of terms, after all. He was scared shit-less that I, gasp, 'told Devon' about us.
I shouldn't make fun of his concerns. They're totally valid. It's just … frustrating. You share this moment, this connection, with someone … and yet no one else is allowed to know. And you want it to grow, but the more it grows, the more you isolate yourself. It starts to feel like a big part of your life is just an illusion. Not really real. Meaningless.
And when you find yourself alone, you're really, really alone.
But there I go again. There was never any sign that what we shared was anything meaningful in the first place. For all I knew, River just wanted his cherry popped. Sure, he acted sweet and wholesome about what 'we' had. But don't they always? Especially when they're after something they want?
Saturday night, I turned on the game and watched it by myself – well, me and Deke watched it, anyway. I wanted to call Devon and invite her over, but I knew I'd only be inviting more tension and unspoken awkwardness between us. Better to let sleeping dogs lie.
I watched as River and the boys steam-rolled over their Round 2 opponent, Michigan. River had a couple pretty goals and more than a few plays that took the breath right out of the crowd's lungs. The announcers talked about Jono's struggles – which were still continuing.
This time, after the game, I wouldn't go home. I waited. I'd stay at River's apartment until he came home.
***
I'd fallen asleep on the couch when River's door creaked open. Deke jumped off the couch and ran up to greet him.
“Hey buddy.” River pet the little guy.
I sat up and rubbed my tired eyes. I watched River reunite with his dog so joyfully.
“Hey Lane,” River said quietly. He dropped his heavy bag on the floor and made his way over to me.
“Hey River.”
“Thanks for taking care of Deke.” He kissed me on top of the head. I must've acted surprised, because he chuckled. “What's that for?” he asked.
I played dumb. “What?”
With a sigh, he collapsed onto the couch next to me. And then he let out a long yawn. “Look, I know I'm asking you for a lot to take care of my dog.”
“It's not that.” I shook my head.
“And I know I've been acting distant lately, too. Fuck, man. I'm busy, Lane. Between school and hockey it's hard to get a free moment. I really was thinking about you, though.”
Of course he was busy. That's what happened when you played sports at his level. I felt terribly stupid over even trying to make a big deal out of this, or allowing myself to get upset. What did I expect?
“I know River. I know.” I buried my face in my hands and groaned. “I'm just an idiot.”
He stared at me. “You're not an idiot.”
“You don't even know why I'm saying that.”
“I can guess.”
“Try, then.”
“Because …” he took a deep breath. “Because you like me and you're wo
rried I don't like you back.”
“Oh.” I paused. “So maybe you do know.”
“I wish there was something I could say to ease your mind.” River sighed.
Well, there were things he could say. Quite obvious things, in fact. But I wasn't keen on simply handing over the keys to my heart.
“I just don't know what to do about it, Lane.”
(That's not one of the things you should say when you want to ease somebody's mind, FYI.)
I chuffed. “Yeah, me neither.”
“Can I tell you something that's been bothering me?” River asked me.
“Yeah. Sure.” Might as well get it all out in the open, right?
River inhaled. “… I'm afraid Jono knows something after all. Are you sure you haven't told Devon anything happened between us?”
Oh, for God's sake. Not what I had in mind.
I rolled my eyes, grabbed a pillow and stuffed it between us like a barrier. “I haven't told her anything about us, River.”
I was suddenly feeling sorry I'd stayed. I should've just gone home after I'd fed Deke. River was obviously so concerned that anyone would ever find out about us. Whatever this was between us, it was just as hopeless as all the other dead-end situations I'd gotten myself into over the years. I should bow out gracefully now – content in knowing that I might someday turn on the TV, see River Brame skating around, and fondly remember the times we'd had screwing around.
And that was it. Leave it at that! End of story. If I let myself get any more wrapped up in this drama, I knew it'd end badly. And then I wouldn't recall my time with River fondly, but bitterly instead.
“Sorry. I just had to ask. I mean, Jono's been acting weird this whole time. When I try to talk to him about what's bothering him, he gets angry. And after the game against Northeastern in Round 1? I saw him chatting with Alan Rickert. The rep from Carolina.”
“So what? I don't follow,” I mumbled.
“Okay. So Rickert is the guy who's followed me and Jono during our four years at UND. And he's basically been threatening me that, if I don't sign with them, they're gonna make me look bad in the media. He said it a few weeks back, and he said it again last week, after we played Game 1.”
I drummed my thumbs on my knees. “And?”
“And so after Rickert basically threatens me? I spotted him and Jono chatting. And they both acted really suspicious when I came near.”
“Wait, that's what you're worried about?” I tried not to giggle.
River wet his lips. “Well … yeah.”
“But Jono was drafted by Carolina too, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So? Maybe they're just talking about his future?”
River made a face. “Could be, but I doubt it. Carolina basically gave up on him two years ago. With the way he's playing now? I can't imagine they'd be talking about his future.”
“Why did they give up on him two years ago?”
“It just happens.” River shrugged. “Sometimes you think a guy has a lot of potential, but for whatever reason, he doesn't pan out. It's pretty common, really.”
I smirked. That sounds familiar. “Anyway, so your theory is?”
“There's no theory. I'm just thinking out loud.” River paused. “As long as you're sure that Jono didn't hear anything …” River trailed off, begging the question once more.
I huffed. “Do I have to say it again, River?”
“Alright, alright. I'm just trying to figure out if I should be worried, or if I'm going crazy over nothing or what.”
“Sounds like the latter to me.”
River looked at me with a blank face. At last, his brow furrowed and he shrugged it all off. “Well. Alright.”
I stared at the floor. My resentment started to boil over. If he was so worried I was going to run my mouth all over town about us, why the heck did he want anything to do with me?
I stood up and collected my wallet and keys. “Well, I should get going. It's late.”
His thumb pointed at his bed. “You – you don't wanna stay?”
What, so I can suck you off again? I thought to myself.
“Nah. Not tonight.”
“Oh … well. Okay.” River gave a surprised head bob. “Have a good night then. And thanks again for taking care of Deke.”
“Yep. See you.”
I walked through the door and shut it behind me. A gross feeling – like an ugly smallness – grew in my stomach. A feeling that only grew as I walked further from River's apartment.
But I buried that feeling with my righteousness, with the knowledge that I'd done the right thing. River had to know he couldn't just keep me hidden. That I wouldn't be content blowing him left and right and not expecting anything more serious in return for it.
I did the right thing! I did the right thing!
36
Dead Spin
– River –
I felt bad when Lane left. I hated to have to ask him again. But I couldn't help it.
Because what I hadn't told Lane was that there was more to the story, and it didn't sound good at all.
It wasn't any secret that Jono had played another abysmal game in that Round 2 match-up. Floating around. Not engaged in the play. Looking disinterested.
So after the game, the Coach had a little sit down with the team's leadership core. The core is the team captain (me) and the two alternate captains (Ochoa and Elliott). Normally a coach makes all his personnel decisions, but Coach J ran things a little differently this year with our team; he wanted the three of us to vote as a unit when it came to problems with the team personnel. His reasoning was that we had our fingers on the pulse of the team chemistry, while he could only make guesses. He didn't want to take someone like Jono out of the lineup and have it kill the team morale. Of course, Coach had the last say. He'd make a hard decision if he felt we couldn't. He just wanted to groom us for leadership roles.
Coach didn't have to say a word. The three of us knew damn well why he'd called us together: Jono. We didn't talk much about it, but we didn't have to. We agreed we'd vote on whether or not we'd replace Jono with Lettuce before the Round 3 game.
Maybe I'm dumb and naive, but I really thought I could get through to Jono before that vote took place. I didn't want him to miss the next game. We'd been through so much together.
So later that night, while we were waiting at the airport, I pulled him aside. I tried to tell him that I knew he was going through a hard time with Devon, and that I'd still stand up for him because of it, but we really needed him to put the personal stuff behind him and come through for the team.
And maybe that was just a big goddamn rotten mistake. Because the way he reacted left me speechless.
“Oh yeah? And how would you know what's going on with me and Devon?” his eyes burned with disgust. “Go ahead. Vote me out. You don't even realize I could destroy you, River, do you?”
My mouth fell open and Jono walked off without saying another word.
I didn't wanna believe him. In my heart I knew exactly what Jono was referring to. But I couldn't believe him – because that meant that Lane wasn't telling me the truth. And I hated to think about that. Lane seemed like such a stand-up guy. Why would he lie to me? Why would he blab about our, well, whatever we were?
The only reason we did anything at all was because he agreed he could keep his mouth shut …
So I didn't wanna buy it. And I was very, very quiet on that plane ride back home to Grand Forks. I was happy to see Lane still at my apartment. But I knew I couldn't feel comfortable with him until I got that heavy shit out of the way. And how many more times could I ask Lane if he was sure he hadn't told anybody? At a certain point, I'm sure it has to get kinda insulting for him.
Still. Lane denied it. And then he seemed to be a little hurt, or mad, or both. And then he stormed out.
I felt awful about that. I wished I could've talked him into staying. I just wanted to curl up with him and pass out. We didn't have to 'do' anything
… but just be together. I wanted that comfort. I wanted to know he was who he said he was.
But, instead, he ran off.
And I was left sitting here, wondering if Lane was as honest as he'd led me to believe he was.
***
Wednesday, we had a practice after class.
Coach skated us hard. We ran drills and then played a scrimmage. Jono looked a little more fiery today – finally, at last! He doesn't have to score goals to be useful for us. He just has to be defensively responsible, and be a thorn in the opponent's side, like he has been most years. I hoped my talk had gotten through to him, and I prayed that his threat was hollow.
After practice, we showered and cleaned up and went our separate ways. But while I dressed, I noticed Jono. He sat on the bench, rocking back and forth, staring and smiling at me like a rabid dog.
“Uhh. Sup?” I asked him.
He didn't say a word. He just grinned. Until the others had left – and it was just me and him.
“So did you guys have the vote yet?” Jono asked.
“Huh?”
“If you want me to play next game.”
“Oh.” I cleared my throat. God damn did I ever regret telling him that bit of information now. I thought it might light a fire under his ass, but it only seemed to make him go crazy. “No … not yet.”
“I think you should stand up for me, River.”
“Or else?”
He shrugged. “I left a little message for you.”
“Uh, what the fuck are you talking about, Jono?”
He stood up and went for the door. Before he left, he stopped and winked at me. “Keep your eye on the headlines.”
“Jono. Jono!” I shouted after him. But he'd gone.
The rest of the day, I kept my eyes on the headlines, alright. I guess it would've helped to know which headline I should watch. I had half a mind to call up Lane and interrogate him again … but I knew where that would lead, and it wasn't a pretty place.