Bad Penny

by Staci Hart

  “Ha! Mine’s Bodie. Maybe they’re gender twins. So, what’s the story with Brandie? Did you get over her VP? Ever forget it?”

  “Nope. Never.”

  I frowned. “Well, the problem for me is that my dick is temporary.”

  “How come? Is he, like, from Austria or something?”

  One of my brows rose. “That’s really specific, but no. He isn’t leaving the country.”

  “So, what? Is he not into you?”

  I laughed. “Oh, I’m pretty sure he’s into me. Like, all the way in, if you catch my drift.”

  “Yeah, I think I get it,” she deadpanned. “So, what’s the problem? He married?”

  “No, not married either. Just … I don’t know. I’m not really the settle-down type. I’ve dated more guys than I have lipstick, and I have a metric fuck-ton of lipstick. As in like a grand total of twenty-thousand-Sephora-points fuck-ton.”

  She snickered.

  “I wonder if a couple more hook-ups might get him out of my system?”

  She shook her head at me like she felt sorry for me.

  “What? That’s a valid, reasonable question. And entirely possible. Maybe he’ll be super stinky or gross next time. Or maybe he never flosses.”

  “No one flosses.”

  I gave her a look. “Seriously, do you even know how to have fun?”

  She gave me a look back.

  “I like you,” I said with a smile. “And I predict that in two more meetings with his magnificent hammerhead, I will have had it all fucked out of my system.”

  “Why two more?”

  “Because, by the end of date three, it always goes south. Usually it’s about them turning into crazies or coming on too strong. It’s just like on The Golden Girls. Dudes propose to Blanche like she’s the last woman on earth, and within a week of meeting her. She always turns them down though, that sassy bitch. She’s my guru. When I don’t know what to do, I just ask myself, What would Blanche do?”

  “So, what would Blanche do?”

  I thought about it. “Well, she’d bang him until it got weird and then kiss him goodbye, wiggling out the door, twiddling her fingers at him.”

  “Why not do that?”

  “Ugh, I hate the thought of it getting weird, that’s why. It’s easier to just bolt before it happens. I’ve gotten so good at dipping out of the third-date situation.”

  “Mmm,” she said noncommittally. “When will you see him for date two?”

  I frowned. “I don’t know. Date one was last night, and I’m still recovering. Physically. You know, because he nailed me so hard.”

  “Naturally.”

  “I have two whole bangs left, so I’ve gotta make the most of it. I need to maximize my bang-to-date ratio. But, if I could do whatever I wanted, I’d see him tonight. Or now. You don’t mind if I just go, do you?”

  She laughed. “Sure, and this is free, right?”

  “Obviously.”

  I sighed, gun buzzing up my arm as I kept working. “He’s exactly what I need right now.”

  “So are you going to call him?”

  I frowned. “It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.”

  “Hold up,” Ramona said from the wall of my booth, startling me.

  “Jesus,” I said, heart jumping. “I’ve got a tattoo gun in my hand, asshole. Give a warning cough or something.”

  “Sorry. I was eavesdropping and have unsolicited thoughts to share.”

  “Well, by all means, do tell.” I gestured for her to go ahead.

  “Since when do you follow rules? If you want to bang, call him and bang.”

  I nodded my head as I considered it. “I approve of your logic.”

  “I mean, what are you afraid of? That he’ll think you’re coming on too strong?”

  We both laughed real loud at that. As if I knew another way to come on.

  “Seriously though,” Ramona said, “if you want to call him, call him.”

  I really wanted to, but the rule had been so deeply ingrained in my brain that I struggled to override it.

  “Penny, if he called you right now and asked you over, what would you do?”

  “Pretend I got diarrhea so I could leave,” I answered without hesitation.

  Ramona nodded. “That’s what I thought. Also, someday you’re going to try that line and it’s not going to work.”

  I waved her off with a laugh. “Please. No one questions diarrhea.” I turned to the girl in my chair for the final word. “What do you think? Honest answer, no bullshit.”

  She smirked. “I say, go get that dick.”

  So I laughed and decided to do just that.

  * * *

  Bodie

  I was so deep in the code on my screen that afternoon that I almost missed my phone buzzing on the desk. And that would have been a goddamn shame because it was a one-worded text from Penny.

  Question.

  Insta-smile happened as I picked up my phone, sat back in my chair, and typed.

  Answer.

  Little dots bounced.

  Would you think I was needy if I wanted to see you again tonight?

  It would be a little hypocritical of me to judge.

  More dots as she typed, and I stared at my phone with a healthy helping of disbelief.

  It hadn’t even been a day, and here she was, asking to see me — the girl who didn’t date. And maybe it was nothing. All I knew was that I’d gone to bed with a smile on my lips and her face in my thoughts, and I’d woken up exactly the same way. My mind had been rolling her around like a fine wine, appreciating every second I’d had with her over and over again. And if I had a chance to see her again, I’d take it, and I’d use it.

  So, sounds like we’re both needy then. What to do, what to do?

  I typed back, my smile stretching.

  I could think of a thing or two. Or three. If you come over later, I can show you. I’ll have visual aids.

  Tell me there will be graphs. I love a good graph.

  I laughed out loud, garnering looks from Phil and Jude, who flanked me at their monitors.

  Girl, I’ve got graphs like you’ve never seen. Big, long graphs, packed with data I compiled all by myself.

  Fuck, I love it when you talk dirty to me. I’m off at 8. Be there around 8:30?

  Good. And make sure you don’t have panties on.

  Too late.

  I set my phone down and leaned back in my chair, sighing, knowing I looked like a sap. My saving grace was that I was thinking about all the places I’d fuck Penny in my apartment in a few hours.

  “Was that her?” Jude asked, looking like a hyperactive puppy.

  “Yeah. She’s coming over tonight.”

  Jude shook his head. “Man, I cannot believe you bagged Penny. After all this time. I guess your high school voodoo shrine in your closet didn’t completely go to waste.”

  My face went flat. “I didn’t have a shrine.”

  Phil snorted. “You kept a gum wrapper from a stick of Wrigley’s she gave you junior year.”

  “Fuck you. It had her number on it.”

  “Sure it did, buddy. What about that broken bracelet you kept of hers?”

  I rolled my eyes and chuffed. “She asked me to fix it.”

  “But you didn’t,” Jude shot.

  “Because it was too broken,” I volleyed.

  “Then why didn’t you give it back to her?”

  “Because it was fucking broken, and I didn’t want to admit it to her, dick.”

  Jude gave me a look. “You wanted to keep it.”

  “Jesus, I’m not arguing with you about this, Jude.” He was right. I’d never tell him. “She’s coming over tonight at eight-thirty, so I need you guys to … you know. Leave.”

  Phil frowned. “Man, we were supposed to work tonight.”

  “Yep, and now you two are going to work at Angie’s.”

  Phil pouted. “I won’t get any work done, though. I can’t be with Angie and not hang out with her.”r />
  “You’ll find a way.”

  Jude perked up. “Philly, ask her to make those blondie things she makes. Or brownies. Or, like, she can bake anything because I want to eat her sweets.”

  Phil’s face hardened. “You’re not eating my girlfriend’s sweets. Those sweets are mine.”

  Jude put his hands up. “Easy there. I’m talking about the baked goods, not the baker.”

  Phil was still pouting. “I can’t believe we’re getting kicked out so you can nail Penny. No,” he said with a shake of his head, “I can’t believe you’re actually nailing Penny. Is she the same as she was in high school?”

  I thought about it. “Yes and no. She’s just … more now. People love to say they don’t give a fuck, but Penny actually means it. She’s got her own gravity, and it’s so hard not to want to know her, want to orbit her, even if just for a minute. When she walks in a room, everyone turns to look. But she was always that way. It was why Rod picked her out to torture in high school; he wanted to rein the brightest star and treat her like his pet.”

  “Ugh, that dick.” Jude folded his arms. “Penny was so gone for him, and he didn’t give a single shit about her. While she was gushing over their six-month anniversary, he was bragging about the laundry list of girls he’d fucked behind the bleachers. And she had no idea, not for two full years. She was stupid for him.”

  I sighed. “Well, seems Penny has flipped. She doesn’t do dating. Ever, apparently.”

  Phil pushed his glasses up his nose. “Do you think it’s because of Roddy?”

  “I don’t know.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I guess it’s possible. I don’t know how many times I found her abandoned at a party or crying after one of their fights. It was like I had a sixth sense for her. I’d just stumble onto her and know how to make her feel better.” I sighed. “All I know is that she says she doesn’t do feelings and wants no strings, which is fine. For now.”

  Jude jacked a brow at me. “For now?”

  I shrugged. “If I make myself indispensable, maybe I can hang onto her. I’ve got a shot, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna waste it.”

  “You sure that’s wise?” he asked. “I mean, aside from the fact that she told you she didn’t want anything serious.”

  “I’m not saying I want anything serious. I’m saying I have a feeling what she means is she doesn’t want anything complicated.”

  “So you think you’re an exception to the rule.”

  “Maybe.”

  “You want to be.”

  I smirked. “Maybe.”

  Jude snorted. “Well, you’ve only been fantasizing about her for ten years.”

  Phil warily watched me. “So, what are you going to do?”

  “Whatever I can, Philly. Whatever I can. Keep things easy and simple. I don’t want to own her.”

  Jude opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, “I mean I want to own her with my dick—” he looked satisfied at that, “but I’m not trying to put her in a cage, ever. I want to show her that it doesn’t have to be messy or hard. It can be easy and fun. I just have to respect her space.”

  Jude laughed. “Oh, man, you should tell her that while you’re nailing her. I just respect you so much, Penny,” he teased in a girlie voice.

  “You are such a dick, dude.”

  He kept laughing. “I know.”

  “I didn’t think I’d hear from her so soon, but I’m not complaining. Last night wasn’t enough. Tonight won’t be either. Hopefully she’s just as into me, and we can keep this going. Easy.”

  Phil still wasn’t convinced. “Doesn’t sound easy. Relationships need three things to be successful.” He held up his fingers and ticked them off. “Respect, communication, and trust. If any one of those things breaks down, you’re in deep shit.”

  “Thanks, Dr. Phil.” Jude started laughing all over again.

  Phil looked wounded. “Angie told me that, and it’s fucking true. I’m just saying — if you’re not communicating about where you’re at, your shit’s gonna fall apart. Kablooey.”

  I tried not to overthink it. “Don’t worry, Philly. I’ll talk to her about it when the time comes.”

  “And in the meantime?” he asked.

  I smirked. “In the meantime, you leave so I can woo her.”

  “With your dick,” Jude said.

  The fucker popped out of his chair and ran off before I could deck him.

  5

  DICKNOTIZED

  Penny

  I wet my smiling lips as I knocked on Bodie’s door, trying to ignore my banging heart, hyperaware of the soft fabric of my skirt against my bare ass and the point where my thighs met, warm and naked and sizzling at the thought of him.

  Dicknotized. I’d been completely and utterly dicknotized.

  The door swung open, revealing Bodie, tall and blond and beautiful, smiling that megawatt smile at me.

  “Hi,” I said stupidly, smiling back like an idiot.

  “Hey. Come on in.”

  He moved aside so I could pass, and I swayed my hips, hoping he’d catch the motion of my black skater skirt to remind him that I wasn’t wearing panties.

  When I looked over my shoulder at him, it was obvious my nefarious, self-serving plan to convince him to ravage me had worked. His eyes were on my upper thighs, and his lips were pinned between his teeth.

  I decided to prolong the inevitable, stretching out the tease for as long as I could with the desire to rip each other’s clothes off crackling between us.

  I set my bag next to the couch and looked around the apartment with my heart beating well above the normal resting rate. “I didn’t really get a good look at your place last night. I love it.” The loft was open, with exposed bricks and warehouse windows, simple, modern furniture, and tidy, considering three dudes lived there.

  “Thanks. Phil and Jude have been here for a few years now.”

  I shook my head, still looking around. “Man, they must have great jobs.”

  “They did,” he said as he approached from behind. “Phil is a software engineer, and Jude is in digital design. They quit so we could work on our video game together.”

  I started wandering just before he reached me, heading toward their office space. “Really? You’re designing a video game?”

  “Mmhmm.” He was still behind me where I’d left him.

  “Which desk is yours?” I asked, standing in front of the three, which were all side by side, facing the windows. Six monitors sat on top, two for each desk.

  “This one,” he said against my neck, surprising me.

  I hadn’t heard him approach. One hand slipped around my waist while the other pointed at the desk in the middle.

  “And what do you do here?” I leaned back into him, my plan largely forgotten when he pressed himself against my ass.

  “Mmm, lots of math.”

  His hands moved from my hips to the bend at my thighs, his fingers reaching between my legs, and I arched my back to shift my ass against the length of him.

  “Not really up for conversation?” I asked breathlessly.

  “I am,” he whispered against my neck.

  His hot, wet tongue for only the briefest of moments.

  “But first, I want to fuck you like I’ve been daydreaming about all day.”

  I swear to God, my pussy flexed like he was speaking directly to it.

  His fingers clenched, gathering my skirt up with them until his glorious hands were on me.

  First, he found my piercing and stroked it, circling with no hurry at all, teasing me. Then lower, dragging the pad of his finger up the line at my center, so slow, so light that he had my hips shifting, my core aching.

  I whimpered, and his finger clenched at the sound.

  “Don’t tease me,” I begged. “Fuck me.”

  “Oh, don’t worry, Penny,” he said calmly and quietly and with authority I hadn’t realized I’d granted. “I’m going to.”

  My brain had already exploded, and my awareness
was focused on every place we touched, so when he disappeared for a second, the loss was a cold shock against my hot skin. But then he grabbed my hand, pulling me over to the couch. When he sat, he pulled me down to sit next to him, my heart pounding as I tried to kiss him. He had other plans, stopping me by cupping my cheek. His thumb slipped into my mouth, and I closed my lips over it, telling him with my eyes that I wished something else were in its place entirely.

  “Lie down,” he ordered gruffly, guiding me to stretch across his lap with my ass up and my knees and elbows on the couch.

  His cock was rock hard against the space between my belly button and clit, and I found myself wriggling against him, shifting slowly, my pulse frantic. I felt crazy. He was actually driving me mad, and he’d barely even touched me.

  Dicknotized. If I were a cartoon, my eyes would be pinwheels with dicks in the middle, spinning around and around.

  I was already panting, partly because I had no idea what he was going to do to me.

  Where are his hands? Why aren’t they on me? Why aren’t they in me? I need them to touch me.

  Part of me just wanted him to flip me over and fuck me senseless. The rest of me wanted him to tease me forever.

  I looked back at him, but he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were on my ass — my skirt didn’t fully cover it, lying down like I was.

  “Cross your ankles.” His hand found my ass cheek and squeezed, kneading it as his thumb slid under the hem of my skirt.

  I did as I had been told, my heart hammering.

  His hands were reverent as they lifted up my skirt, flipping it so my entire backside was on display. His face was reverent too, as if he’d found some secret of the universe under my skirt.

  Bodie grabbed my ass again, groaning softly, his cock flexing under me. His thumb slipped between my ass and gripped, spreading me open, and I arched, lifting it into the air.

  “That’s right,” he breathed, voice deep. “Open up for me.” His hands moved — one kept me exposed, the other explored.

  First were his fingers running down the line and to my clit for a split second of glorious pressure before trailing back up. Then down they went with more pressure as he passed through the slickness of my core, wetting his fingers even more. The third time, his fingers nestled between the length of my lips, the tips capturing the ball of my piercing, and my hips bucked in answer. When he shifted them laterally, the sensation across the entire length of me coupled with my piercing circling my clit was too much.