I nodded. Yes, I wanted him, too. I wasn’t done, couldn’t be until I had Kade. I wanted more, right then.
Warden squeezed my hip, and I pulled off of him. He groaned, wincing. I turned toward Kade, and Warden swept a hand up my back. I smiled. Neither one of them ever really let me go.
I kissed Kade, and then he said, “I’d put you beneath me, but I think Warden here would object as I would have. We both want to touch you, all the time. Next time? When it’s just you and me. You’re beneath me and I’m driving into you like it’s my job.”
“I’ll take you like it’s mine. The best in the world.” I reached into the drawer of magic and grabbed a condom. Like I’d done before, I put it right on Kade.
He sighed. “Your hands.”
“My hands?” I tilted my head to the side, hoping it was playful as I’d meant it to be. “What I do with my hands is nothing compared to what you can do inside of my cunt?”
He winced. “Terrible word.”
“This from the misogynist himself.”
Kade laughed, and I pushed down on him, taking him inside. He bit down on his lip. “Fuck. I’ll worship at the throne of Everly. Call it your cunt. Whatever. Just don’t fucking stop.”
I rode him hard. I rode him like I owned him, like I had every right to do this, to have him anyway I wanted him because there was nothing that could ever separate us. He met me thrust for thrust, his gaze holding mine. A million thoughts seemed to cross his eyes and disappear until I could see that he was lost to this. That was how I wanted him. All mine.
He was close, every muscle in his body tightened. He was going to explode. And I was going there with him. I squeezed him inside of me, gripping him, and he let loose inside of me, coming for a length of time.
I followed him, my release slower, easier. I was spent. This was three now in I didn’t know how many minutes. It was amazing I had anything left to give.
Behind me, Warden kissed my back all over my spine.
I collapsed on top of Kade and he held me from the front while Warden did from behind.
I giggled.
* * *
I woke face down on the couch. Someone had placed a blanket over my naked body. I was stiff, my neck in particular, like I’d lain in a funny position for a long time.
“What did you do to her?” Judson’s voice wafted into the room.
“We all partook of Warden’s happy Mary Jane. Had a great time. And she knocked out, which is what she needed.” Kane yawned. “She was up all night, killing people to save herself and him.”
Footsteps approached me and a hand came down on my back. I hadn’t picked up my head. They hadn’t realized I was awake. “I know what she had to do. Amazing woman. I just can’t believe she’s this out of it.”
I lifted my head. “Hi, Judson.”
His smile was slow. “Hi, beautiful. Your eyes are clear. Feeling okay?”
“I’m pretty golden right at this moment.” Someone groaned, and I looked over. Derrick slumped in a chair. “What are you doing downstairs?”
“It’s good for me to be up for a while. So says my sadistic nurse.”
Judson put his hands on his hips. “You all need me. Can’t leave you alone for two minutes. Murder. Assassins. Ganja that makes you all out of your mind. Sadistic nurses. It’s a good thing you have me to tell you what to do.”
I laughed, rolling over. Maybe it wasn’t all out of my system yet. “I’m hungry.”
“That’s good. Get a shower. I’m taking you to dinner. Just the two of us.”
I didn’t know if I should be titillated or terrified.
Chapter 13
I didn’t have anything to wear to dinner with Judson. When I’d told him so, he’d brought me an outfit he’d arranged from the plane after he knew I hadn’t died. I stared at it. It was a black cocktail dress, short and sexy yet classy at the same time. He did love to dress me up.
I spread moisturizer on my face. I looked better. My eyes were less wounded. Sex, food, and pot. Who knew those were going to be the three keys to making me start to feel better? A knock sounded, and I adjusted my robe, which was ridiculous. I’d been spread eagle with two men between my legs, knowing Derrick’s nurse could walk in any time. I couldn’t be modest now.
But then nothing I did particularly made sense these days.
“Come in.”
Trace walked in, shutting the door behind him. I couldn’t have controlled my grin if I wanted to. I crossed to him and threw my arms around his neck. He was here. That just felt… right.
He took a long breath, pressing his nose into my neck. “You’re breathing. All is okay in the world.”
“Well…” I pulled back, still sporting my grin and not even caring if it was a bit over the top. “Sort of okay. Nothing is really okay. I’m still here to witness it. I’ll say that’s a positive.”
“A giant positive.” He looked at the black cocktail dress hanging on the outside of the closet waiting for me to put it on. “Jud gets here before me because I’m coming from the Caribbean and there’s a storm we have to wait out and he gets dinner.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “It’s not a competition.”
“Of course it is, Evy. Everything is a competition. Always has been, always will be. We all know that. Whatever prettier face they’re putting on it, I’ll say it.” He sat down on the bed. “I’ll have dinner with you tomorrow. I’m calling it.”
I kissed him gently. “Assuming the world doesn’t end with whatever Kade and Warden are doing tonight, we can have dinner.”
“The world won’t end. Not for us. But they’re all going to come out of the woodwork. Would have been really useful for Derrick to not be holed up unusable right now. He could have, you know, checked with the group before he did this.”
I doubted Derrick would ever check anything with anyone. “Maybe you guys could have told him what you were doing.”
“He was busy with you. We just assumed that was all he was doing right then. Had no idea that would include the end of Josh, a surgery he should have had for some time, and you taking on assassins.”
I needed to get dressed, but I had a minute or two. “Why did they come after Derrick? Kade says that he didn’t find a hit online.”
“That’s because the hit is on you.” He rose as he said this, tugging me to him.
My body went cold. I couldn’t breathe and yet I managed to speak. “What? Why would they do that to me? I’m just some girl who got out of the basement.”
He kissed me all over my face. “I could have lied. I got the call while I was in transit. Kade’s finding the write up for it now. We’ll know more. But it’s Ben. You got away, and he told you all kinds of things he never expected to get out. You’ve already proven he talked too much. They need you shut down.”
I would have doubled over if he hadn’t been holding me up. “So I live through that to get taken out.”
“Well, apparently not. You took two of them out. They’re not lining up for more. And we’re going to double the offer to leave you alone. Then Ben will die. And the hit on you will be null and void. Hey, look at me.” Trace tapped my chin. “Nothing happens to you while you’re with us. Not a thing. You’re as safe as you can ever imagine being.”
Those were sweet words. But bullets were bullets, knives were knives, anything could be a weapon, and we could all die.
I smiled at him because that was what I had to do. This was life. It always had been. I just hadn’t known it. “I can’t imagine safety. So I suppose it’s all good in any case.” I kissed him again. “Now, get out. I need to get dressed.”
I needed a minute.
He tugged on the end of my hair. “Don’t try to cover with me, Evy. I do this for a living. I see through people.”
I shook my head. “It isn’t what you do, Dr. Hill. What you do for a living is scientific. You have a PhD in it. What you did for the Alliance was manipulate people. And maybe you still do it because you like it. Maybe you’ll do it for
whatever this thing you guys are building is. But don’t make the mistake of thinking you do it for a living. You don’t. You do it because you like it.”
He kissed me—hard. “I do.”
As long as we understood one another.
* * *
There really was something about a man in a suit. Judson was the prettiest out of all of my Letters. He’d hate me to say that. But it was true, nonetheless. Still, standing there in an expensive, navy blue, well-cut suit, I wouldn’t call him pretty. No, he was handsome as fuck.
He leaned at the bottom of the stairs, looking at his phone, but when I came down, all of his attention was on me.
“You look beautiful, Everly.”
I smiled. “Well, I look better. That’s for sure.”
“Take a compliment.” He took my hand, squeezing it. “Without putting a stipulation on it. You look beautiful.”
What was it about this man that made me want to make him happy? “I’ll work on it. Thank you. That’s a great tie.”
He grinned, tugging on the solid charcoal gray pairing. “Thank you.”
“Are we safe to do this? Trace tells me they have a hit out on me.”
“I got this,” Kade yelled from the other room, obviously listening. “I’m not coming out because I don’t want to kill Jud tonight, and I’m going to want to do that if I see you in that dress.”
Judson shrugged. “Your loss, Kade. You only get so many times in life to see perfection.”
It was everything I could do not to argue. Maybe he was right. Maybe I had to learn to take a compliment. “Thank you.”
“Better.” He gestured to the black cardigan sweater I’d added to the gorgeous black dress. “Are you cold?” He touched the side of my face, and I was fairly certain he checked for a temperature.
I shook my head. “No. But my back. This is slightly open in the back.”
“Ah.” He nodded. “Wasn’t thinking about that. I can fix that for you. I can make then go away.” He touched the back of my neck, his finger skimming the top of my back. “I’m really good.”
I put my arm around his waist. “No, thank you. I earned them. They’re my battle scars.”
“Fair enough. I’ll keep that in mind for future clothes.”
One of the things Judson and I had in common was a sheer love of really good food, so I wasn’t surprised when we ended up in a fancy restaurant with white tablecloths and waiters who called us ma’am and sir.
Judson pointed at the menu. “Get a cocktail. You won’t find a better wine selection, not even in this restaurant, than Warden has at home. Let’s save the wine for him. He’s sort of… amazing when it comes to picking the best ones.”
“I’ll be drunk.” I had been a two drink girl forever. Now, I was smoking pot and ordering cocktails before I went back to Warden’s to drink wine. It only took getting kidnapped and abused to up my tolerance.
I ended up ordering a martini, and Judson did the same. He sat back in his chair, sipping the drink. I tilted my head to the side. Was he gearing up to say something that required liquid courage? “You okay?”
He set down his drink. “I’ve been thinking obsessively about what you texted me, about not liking you or wanting you around.”
The waiter picked that moment to take our order. I rubbed the back of my neck. Perfect timing. Now, I was the one who needed the liquid courage. I took a long drink and ordered a salad and the duck. I almost never ate duck and since life was ridiculously short, I was going to eat things I didn’t normally get to. Judson stayed more traditional, ordering a steak.
As the waiter left, he leaned forward again. “So what you said to me.”
I nodded. “Right.”
“It couldn’t be further from the truth. I want to be with you as much as any of them do. You’re going to have to take my word for that. Everly, you take up way too much space in my brain. I got on a plane, left my practice again, and came out here because I couldn’t not see you after what you’ve been through.”
I covered his hand in mine. “Thank you for that.”
“There is no need to thank me for caring. That’s a given. But I do feel responsible for what happened to you and not only because you said it. And then there is the truth about the tying you up you’ve already started to look at and aren’t certain about.”
I squeezed his hand again. “Judson, we can let that blame go. Whatever happened, it happened. You guys got me out of there, and I know that if you had known what would happen, you would never have involved me in the first place.”
This was very intense. So much so that I wasn’t even enjoying the view of the ocean outside. It was hitting the side of the restaurant pretty strongly and would be incredibly impressive to simply stare at were Judson and I not diving into heavy waters ourselves.
“Would I have?” He shook his head. “I can’t… I can’t go back and fathom that. I have a hard time imagining leaving you alone because of what a loss that would be to my life. I’m pretty narcissistic when it comes down to it. Always have been.”
I took another sip, savoring the slight olive twist strongly in this taste. I did like the sour with the sweeter gin. “I think we’re all that way. Some people just pretend they’re not. The question is to what degree do we control it?”
“I think you’re probably right about that. Truth? I don’t control it very well. I’m probably certifiably crazy. Derrick wears his psycho on the outside, I wear mine closer inside.”
I was so grateful for the alcohol, and Judson must have been as well because he indicated to the waiter that he wanted two more. Okay. Tonight was going to be a drunk night. I was good with that.
“I can get over my guilt. I’ve never been great at feeling badly for things very long. There is one giant mistake I hold onto and will until death. If you’ve forgiven me, I’ll do what I usually do with these things and put it aside.”
I wondered if true narcissists spent this much time analyzing their faults. I didn’t say that. We could do let’s figure out Judson’s true nature another time.
“Then the only problem would be your desire to tie me up.”
The waiter brought the next drinks, and Judson laughed, throwing his head back. “Perfect timing.”
“He’ll never see us again. I don’t really care what he hears as long as it’s not about something that could get him hurt.”
Judson tipped his glass to me. “Fair enough. Yes, I want to tie you up.”
“Jud,” I used his nickname. “The stuff I googled. I don’t want to do that. It doesn’t look sexy to me. And I have to be honest, I’ve read that book. I don’t want to be spanked in punishment. I don’t want to call you sir. I don’t want…”
He held up his hand to stop me. “I don’t want a sub, Everly.”
Well, okay. That cut that right off. “What do you want, then?”
“I don’t want to tie you up in a way that would hurt you, not really. Sometimes the ropes cut into the wrist a little bit. There are steps to take to try to prevent that. What I want are your wrists bound,” he lowered his voice, “sometimes tied to the headboard. Sometimes not. Maybe your ankles, too, depending on the night. I don’t want you to contort into strange positions to get yourself off. I want to get you off.”
The food came then and I took a few bites of my salad before I answered him. “Why do you want that? What does that mean for me during sex?”
“It means that I worship your body and you don’t touch me.” He had ordered shrimp cocktail for his appetizer and he dipped one into the sauce. I suddenly wished I’d chosen it instead. He ate a piece of his before turning one of the shrimp in the cocktail bowl over to me.
How had he known?
I took a bite. I’d been right. His was better.
He didn’t tell me why. “Is it a germ thing?”
His eyes widened before he cracked up again. “No, beautiful, it’s not a germ thing. It’s a preference thing. It’s a control thing. It’s an I don’t particularly like
to be touched thing. I’ve worked it out outside of the bedroom. I just… put up with it. I don’t want to in bed.”
I thought of all the times I’d touched him, just naturally. Had he hated that?
He kept speaking. “I met a woman when I was twenty who had her own kinks. I was curious. She took me under her wing. Her interests were not mine, but the place she showed me that was about two hours from my house had people who were interested in rope play. From there, it developed. I understand this is not for everyone. I used to be 50-50 about it. Sometimes with the rope, sometimes not. Now? I pretty much want it that way.”
“I see.” This was a lot to digest. It didn’t make the food any less delicious.
He nodded. “You’d have to consent. And if you don’t, then the likelihood is that we won’t have sex. That doesn’t mean I am not yours. Just not in that way. You belong to me as much as you do them. Like it or not, that is the truth. We’re sharing you. That’s insanity but we’re all doing it. That doesn’t mean you and I have to sleep together. That being said, if you could tolerate the idea, I would worship your body.”
I was pretty sure I could more than tolerate him worshiping my body. “Well, we can try it. If I don’t like it do I have to have a safe word?”
“Well, you can, of course. But you could also just say no. We’re not going to be doing the kinds of things where yes means no.”
I grinned at him. “Let’s give it a go.”
He gave me a side smile I’d never seen him use before. “Thank you, Everly. You never cease to amaze me.”
I really hadn’t done anything yet. But as I chewed my food I couldn’t help but contemplate questions I would never ask. Why did Dr. Judson Smythe not want to be touched? And what had happened to him that he’d totally given up sex the other way?
* * *
We walked together toward Warden’s mansion from the detached garage that had seven expensive cars parked inside of it. I almost reached out and grabbed his hand before I stopped myself. He tolerated being touched, that didn’t mean he had to with me. I clasped my hand in front of me to stop myself from doing so.
Dark Truths: Kiss Her Goodbye #2 Page 15