Survivor

by Lesley Pearse

  When Belle woke up to find herself alone in bed, she guessed that Etienne had gone to have it out with Sam. She leapt out of bed and went downstairs to stir up the hot embers in the stove, adding more wood to boil the kettle for when he returned. But she was afraid he might be lying somewhere too badly injured to get home, so she decided she must get dressed and go to look for him.

  At that moment, the door opened and he came in. One look at his face was enough to know his mission had been successful; he didn’t appear hurt, except for some blood on his knuckles.

  ‘What happened?’ she asked.

  ‘Nothing you need worry about,’ he said, and his eyes were twinkling.

  ‘Let me bathe that,’ she said, pointing to his hand.

  ‘No need – it’s his blood, not mine,’ he said calmly, and went over to the sink to wash his hands.

  She didn’t ask anything more, but busied herself taking some scraps out for the chickens and laying the table for breakfast. When she came down from waking the boys, she found Etienne sitting at the table staring blankly into space.

  ‘Do you really think Mari has a cold heart,’ he asked suddenly as she put the teapot on the table.

  ‘Sometimes,’ she admitted. ‘She doesn’t appear to have much compassion. And I hate to say it, but there are times when I think she takes after Annie.’

  Belle rarely spoke about her real mother, who had died five years earlier. The only contact between them since Belle had come to New Zealand was an annual Christmas card, and she only heard of her mother’s death via Annie’s solicitor. She had left everything she had to her daughter – a sum of just over £1,000 – but, as grateful as Belle was to have that money at a time when things were so hard for them all financially, she would gladly have traded it for one proper letter telling her that her mother loved her and was sorry for the neglect and stony-heartedness over the years.

  Etienne caught hold of Belle around her waist and pressed his face into her breasts. ‘How could we have had a child incapable of compassion?’ he whispered.

  ‘She isn’t incapable of it. She just hasn’t been through anything bad enough yet to learn to feel for others,’ Belle replied. ‘Did Sam say something like that to you?’

  He shook his head. ‘No, the only thing he said was that she threw herself at him. But I was thinking about how Mari was last night – she showed no emotion, not about Sam, or what this would mean to us. That’s frightening.’

  Belle lifted his face up and bent to kiss him. ‘She was on the defensive – I think that man scared her. And she’s ashamed too. My guess is she was holding all that in so tightly, it stopped her showing any emotion. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel.’

  ‘That young blackguard called me an old man, and I feel like one now,’ he said. ‘What will we do if she is having a baby?’

  ‘You aren’t an old man to me,’ she said. ‘Let’s leave Mog to see the boys off to school, come upstairs with me and we’ll talk in the bedroom.’

  ‘I’ve got to finish the roof at the Apsley house,’ he said.

  ‘That can wait,’ she said. ‘Go on up, and I’ll bring some tea in a minute.’

  Ten minutes later, after asking Mog to take charge, Belle joined Etienne in their bedroom. He was lying on the bed looking defeated. She put his tea down on the side table, then joined him on the bed, pulling him into her arms. ‘Did he hit you?’

  ‘No, he didn’t,’ Etienne sighed. ‘He didn’t get a chance, but I inflicted a great deal of damage to his handsome face and ordered him to be on the nine o’clock ferry and never return.’

  ‘Sounds like you’ve retained all your old menace,’ she said with a smile.

  ‘I feel a bit ashamed now that I enjoyed it so much,’ he admitted. ‘I even got the knife out that I use for gutting fish and threatened to slit his nostrils. I can’t really believe I did that. But if you’d seen him, Belle! Filthy dirty, living like an animal, and all I could think of was that he’d had his way with our baby.’

  Belle held him tightly to her breast and said nothing. She understood how he felt.

  ‘I made him piss himself with fright. But what made me act so self-righteous, Belle? I’ve done things far worse than he can ever imagine. And I never stopped to think I might have got a girl pregnant.’

  ‘I very much doubt you treated any young girl badly,’ she said soothingly. ‘And I can understand that you feel a bit of a hypocrite, because I do too – after all, I wasn’t so pure either. But it’s because we both went so wrong that we want better for Mari. I really hoped that she’d fall in love with a kind, caring man and float down the aisle in a white dress and veil, and it never occurred to me that she would be wanton.’

  Etienne chuckled. ‘“Wanton”, that’s a great word. You were wanton as I recall too.’

  ‘I was with you,’ she admitted. ‘I still am, on occasions!’

  ‘Not often enough,’ he said, sliding his hand inside her dressing gown and caressing her breasts.

  ‘We came up here to talk,’ she said reprovingly, but she didn’t move his hand. ‘Mog and I think this all came about because Mari was bored. She wanted some excitement and she found it in him. Even if she isn’t pregnant, this sort of thing could happen again as she hasn’t got enough to occupy her.’

  ‘I hope to God she isn’t pregnant, because then all the things we wanted for her won’t happen,’ Etienne sighed. ‘I’ve known folk who pass off their daughter’s baby as their own, but we couldn’t do that here, we’re too close to people.’

  ‘Unless we all went to England, and then came back with the baby,’ Belle said with a giggle.

  Etienne laughed too. ‘England’s a bit drastic! Just going down to the South Island would make more sense.’

  Belle looked thoughtful. ‘I was only joking, but it’s not such a bad idea. No one but us would know it wasn’t ours. Women of forty-three do still have babies.’

  ‘What has Mog suggested?’ Etienne asked. ‘She’s usually good at coming up with solutions.’

  ‘Well, that’s what made me mention England. Before we thought Mari could be pregnant, Mog had suggested we send her to Noah. He is her godfather, after all, and there would be more opportunities for her there.’

  ‘There are even more opportunities to go wrong there too,’ he said.

  ‘That’s exactly what I said. But with you suggesting we make out the baby is ours, maybe it would be a good idea for all of us to go back? We’ve got that money from Annie; we could even write to people back here and say: guess what? We’ve had another baby! When we got back, Mari could do whatever she wanted with her life, but her baby would be safely here with us.’

  When Etienne didn’t answer, Belle thought he disapproved of that idea.

  ‘But I’m going to pray hard that she isn’t having a baby,’ she added. ‘We are too old to be parents again.’

  He sighed deeply. ‘Remember how overjoyed we were when we realized you were having Mariette? All babies should start life being wanted that much.’

  ‘I agree,’ Belle admitted. ‘But Annie didn’t want me and handed over the childcare to Mog. I turned out OK, didn’t I?’

  ‘Whatever happens, baby or not, we’ve got to make Mari take responsibility for her actions,’ Etienne said firmly. ‘We both know we’ll love her child – even if the father was a snake and we’re really too old to be going down that road again. But we aren’t going to tell her that, no ideas of going to England, nothing. She must sweat it out for a while. She needs a good fright to bring her to her senses.’

  4

  As the days ticked slowly by, still without Mariette’s monthlies appearing, Belle grew ever more anxious. Mog’s usually smiley face had been replaced by a permanent frown, Etienne looked grim, and even Alexis and Noel kept asking what was wrong.

  Belle had torn into Mariette later in the day, after Etienne had banished Sam, delivering a bitter, angry tirade about how she’d let her family down and risked her whole future. When Mariette retort
ed that Belle was no better – for hadn’t she been carrying on her wedding day? – Belle slapped her face.

  It seemed as if Mariette couldn’t grasp the seriousness of her situation. She claimed she had no idea when her last monthly was. She had made no apologies, not even an attempt at offering an excuse for why she’d behaved as she did, and wore a sullen expression all the time. She didn’t volunteer to help out more around the house – as anyone else would do when they realized they were in deep trouble – and when she was asked to do something, she flounced around as if she thought she was above such jobs.

  ‘I can’t bear this,’ Belle confided to Etienne one night when they were in bed. ‘I’m at my wits’ end. I can’t even get her to tell me how she feels about having a baby.’

  Etienne held Belle tightly to try to comfort her. ‘I would suggest I took her out sailing for the day – I might be able to get through to her away from here – but that looks too much like a treat, as if I’m condoning her behaviour.’

  ‘I just want my happy little girl back,’ Belle cried. ‘I don’t even recognize this Mariette, she’s like a stranger.’

  ‘I expect she’s as scared as we are,’ Etienne said. ‘She must feel as if the weight of the world is on her shoulders. We, of all people, know what it’s like to get carried away.’

  ‘You are always so bloody understanding,’ Belle snapped at him.

  ‘If I am, it’s only because I’ve made all the mistakes in the book,’ he said. ‘Imagine what it must be like to feel everyone in your family is against you?’

  ‘She deserves it.’

  ‘Does she? I’m not sure about that. She probably imagines we’ll send her off to one of those institutions for delinquents.’

  ‘Surely she wouldn’t think such a thing of us!’ Belle was horrified.

  Etienne kissed her nose affectionately. ‘You’ve got to remember that she doesn’t know about the more shameful aspects of our pasts and the jams we’ve got ourselves into. God knows, I hope she never will. But that’s what has defined our characters, and I think it made us better, more compassionate people. This is Mari’s first hard lesson, and I hope to God she will learn something from it.’

  It was two whole weeks after Sam’s banishment when Mariette burst into the workroom where Mog and Belle were sewing.

  ‘I’m not pregnant, my monthlies have come,’ she said jubilantly.

  ‘Oh, my sainted aunt! What a relief!’ Mog exclaimed.

  For a second or two, Belle couldn’t respond. She had been so sure that Mariette was pregnant, however much she hoped she wasn’t, and it took a while to really sink in that her prayers had been answered.

  Finally, she got up and embraced her daughter.

  ‘I’m so glad you’ve been spared,’ she said breathlessly. ‘But you must promise me you’ve learned from this? You have been very lucky this time, but I never want us all to go through the misery we’ve had this last couple of weeks. Never again.’

  ‘Nor do I,’ Mariette said, her face alight and glowing with the relief. ‘I promise you, I’ll wait until I’m married. And that won’t be for years.’

  Once Mariette had left the room, Mog and Belle looked at each other and burst into relieved laughter.

  ‘I don’t know why we are laughing,’ Belle said. ‘There’s nothing funny about it.’

  ‘Her promise that she’ll wait till she gets married is funny,’ Mog said. ‘I think you must find a way to teach her a few tricks of the trade, Belle. Because as sure as summer follows spring, if she finds another young man she’s attracted to, she won’t stop at kissing.’

  It certainly seemed that Mariette had turned over a new leaf. In the week that followed finding out she wasn’t pregnant, she became a changed girl: she was docile and helpful, playing with her brothers, and didn’t make any attempt to go out on her own. Belle was fairly certain it wasn’t a permanent change in behaviour, but it did stop her even considering Mog’s idea of sending the girl to England.

  Late on Sunday night, after the children and Mog had all gone to bed, Belle and Etienne were sitting on the swing seat on the veranda because it was so stuffy indoors. To Belle’s surprise, Etienne brought up the subject of England again.

  ‘I think we should send her,’ he blurted out. ‘There’s talk about her all over Russell.’

  ‘Who’s been talking?’ Belle asked, alarmed because Etienne was usually the last person to pick up on gossip.

  ‘I don’t know where the talk started, but Angus said, “If I was you, I’d send her off to a relative until the talk dies down.” As you know, Belle, he’s not the kind to gossip, and he’s got a soft spot for Mari.’

  Angus was an elderly Scotsman who often went out fishing with Etienne. His wife had died a couple of years ago and his two sons had moved away to Christchurch. Belle knew that his friendship with Etienne meant a great deal to him, and that was why he felt he had to warn him about what was being said.

  ‘No one has said anything to me,’ she said.

  ‘They wouldn’t, would they? People love to chew over other people’s misfortunes, but they are rarely brave enough to face up to the person they are tittle-tattling about.’

  ‘How much do you think has got out?’ Belle asked, anxious now, as she was sure it was more than just about Sam and Mariette holding hands.

  ‘I think Sam must have talked to someone on the ferry. Anyway, word got around that I’d beaten him up, and it doesn’t take much to work out why. If Mari stays here, she will be ostracized by many and become a target for those young men who will see her as “easy”.’

  ‘Couldn’t we just send her to stay with Vera and her family?’ Belle asked.

  ‘We could, if Vera was agreeable. But too many people here have relatives there, and the gossip will just follow her. With Noah and Lisette she can start out with a clean sheet. Noah will help her to get a suitable job and, as Rose is only a few years older than Mari, she’ll be like a sister to her. We can use some of the money Annie left you to pay for her passage. I think it could be the making of her. Would you have wanted to be stuck in a quiet little place like this at eighteen?’

  Belle recalled her eighteenth birthday, by which time she was already officially a whore. The so-called gentleman she’d had to entertain had been very fat, with the most rancid breath she’d ever smelled. That night she would’ve given anything to be somewhere as beautiful and serene as Russell. But she supposed you had to experience the wickedness of the world before you could truly know when you were in paradise.

  But Belle never spoke about those days – not even to Etienne or Mog, who knew all about it. That was a former life, they were all different people then, and she’d drawn a shutter down over it all.

  ‘You are right – at eighteen you want more than the sea and cows wandering along a dusty street. You want to see shops lit up with electricity, to go dancing and to wear the kind of clothes that would be impractical here. But what if war does break out? How will Mari get home?’

  ‘We heard on the news about Chamberlain coming back from meeting Hitler and waving the document he’d signed, saying it was “Peace in our Time”. No one in England or France wants a war, and Noah said in his last letter that he thought it could be averted. He should know, Belle. He was a war correspondent in the last one. Besides, there’s no one I’d trust more to keep our daughter safe.’

  ‘I agree with that; he’s a kind and caring man. But isn’t it asking too much to expect him to take responsibility for Mari? We both know just how headstrong she can be.’

  Knowing how strong the bond was between Etienne and Mariette, she was surprised he would even consider sending her away. The fact that he appeared to have decided on this course of action meant that he really feared for her future here.

  ‘Children are different away from their parents,’ he said, putting his arm around her and drawing her close. ‘She is behaving for us now, but how long will that last? A few months down the line and she’ll be playing us up again, and re
senting the fact that there is so little future for her here. But if we send her to England, maybe she will learn to value all she has here, and then she’ll come back to us willingly.’

  ‘How did it come to this?’ Belle asked with a break in her voice. ‘When she was born, we thought she would have everything we never had: love, security, a happy home in a place where nothing bad could ever happen. And now we are talking about sending her away from us.’

  ‘All parents tend to think they own their children,’ Etienne said, ‘but we don’t, we get them on lease. And when they become adults, they have to make their own way. In England she can find interesting and fulfilling work. Through Noah and Lisette she’ll meet decent young men, make friends with other girls, and the whole experience of seeing England will be an education in itself.’

  Belle knew he was right. But she was afraid for her daughter, going so far away.

  ‘What if she gets there and she hates it? Or she likes it so much that she never wants to come back?’

  ‘The first worry is easily rectified,’ Etienne said calmly. ‘As for the second, we both know girls usually end up where their husbands take them. We’ll never have a guarantee she’ll be living close to us for ever. I’d rather lose her to a good and happy life in England than see her marry the first man to ask her here, and watch her grow bitter and old before her time because she never experienced the love we have.’

  Belle snuggled into his shoulder. ‘You always present a good case,’ she sighed. ‘I’ll try to see it the way you do. So what do we do now?’

  ‘I will put a call through to Noah tomorrow,’ Etienne said. ’But until we know if he is still willing to have her there, we won’t say anything to Mari.’

  Belle turned her face into her husband’s neck. There was nothing further to say. She knew Etienne felt as badly about losing his little girl as she did.