“If I was my kid, I’d kick my own ass.” He laughed out a subdued sound, wonder filling his tone. “It was different back then, yeah?”
I shrugged, hating the heaviness that came rushing in, the weight of the reality of this world that could never be outrun. “It’s different for them, Ian. Different because you and Grace work hard to give them a good life. Because you love them more than anything else. Put them first. Not everyone gets that. These kids are damned lucky to have you. To have both of you.”
Pain leached into my chest.
Ian, Jace, and I had been bred into that kind of life. Their mom an addict. My dad a low-life thief. At least Megan Jacobs had good inside of her. The willingness to sacrifice.
If only my father would have possessed a sliver of those qualities.
Shouldn’t even have let that asshole get into my head because the second I did, all I could see was the heartbreak written all over Izzy the last time I’d seen her before she’d left town.
That striking, unforgettable face flashed through my mind, moving through me like a reel of time.
Progressing.
Now and then.
The girl so pretty I felt her like a punch to the gut. Her face and that smile and that body.
There was no forgetting her belief in me that I could be something better than my circumstances. She’d never given up on me no matter how hard I’d tried to keep her at a distance. Arm’s length.
It was when I’d started taking her into my arms that everything had gone to shit.
A pang of agony rattled my ribs, this choked sensation that was suddenly constricting the flow of air. Because all of it suddenly felt like too much.
The grief and the worry and the pain.
The regret.
The fear that I would never outrun myself. That I’d get sucked into that black, vapid hole, become the man I’d been bred to be.
Ian caught it.
But what did I expect? The guy knew me better than anyone else.
“What was that?” he asked, speculation written all over him.
Needing support, my hands curled around the counter. “No clue what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t bullshit me, man. You think I didn’t just see that . . . that thing go down in your head?”
He kept Collin nestled in the crook of one arm, the other coming to his head where he made a little exploding motion, replete with sound effects. “Looked like a bomb just detonated in that tiny brain of yours. Now you’re as white as a ghost. You working on something shady that has you on edge?”
“I’m always working on something shady.”
It was the truth.
“True,” he said. “Then why don’t you tell me what the hell that was.”
“It wasn’t—”
“Don’t even say it was nothing. You think I can’t read you?”
Heaving out the breath I’d been holding, I scrubbed both palms over my face. Thinking it might perk me up. Get the blood flowing.
Problem was, the blood was flowing too hard. Sloshing and sliding and thumping.
Groaning, I dropped my hands. Might as well fess it up because the asshole wouldn’t stop until he pried it out of me, anyway. Not sure I could keep this from him.
“Might have seen a ghost,” I admitted, attention dropping to my boots. “At the grocery store.”
Could sense his brows knitting up, the confusion riding free as he cocked his head to the side.
Slowly, I lifted my eyes.
One look at me, and his expression paled in realization.
No doubt, my face was a mask of fury and guilt and regret.
“Izzy?” he chanced.
Izzy.
Isabel.
“Yeah.” I shrugged like it was nothing when it was everything.
“How is she?” he asked, tone wary, like he was wondering at which point it was going to push me over the edge.
Too bad I was already there.
“No clue, man. She took off before I got the chance to really talk to her.” I paused, squeezing my eyes shut before I harshly shook my head. Needing to scrape this feeling from my consciousness. “It was for the best, anyway. Better to leave it alone.”
Easier said than done. Because that selfish, greedy side of myself wanted to hunt her down.
Find her.
Keep her.
Take her the way I used to.
But she no longer belonged to me. I’d been cruel enough to make sure that she never would.
“What are you going to do?” he hedged, digging deeper. Wanted to tell him to fuck off and mind his own business, but considering there weren’t a whole lot of topics off-limits between us, I figured that wasn’t gonna fly.
Shrugging, I tried to keep the annoyance and helplessness out of my tone. “Absolutely nothing. There’s nothing I can do, even if I wanted to.”
I wondered if it came out sounding like a lie because that’s sure as hell what it tasted like on my tongue.
“And you’re saying you don’t want to?” he challenged, though there was something smug riding at the corner of his mouth.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. Her life isn’t my concern anymore.”
Apparently, I was fuller of shit than Baby Collin.
“Really? Gave your heart to Clarissa, huh?” Sarcasm dripped from his question.
Repulsion seeped into my bloodstream.
“You know better than to even joke about that shit.”
“What seems funny is that you keep riding that crazy train.”
“She’s just a hookup.”
Such a fucking lie. I wondered if he bought it.
He covered his baby’s ear and muttered the words, “A good fuck and settling are two different things.”
I laughed out a bitter sound. “Think I settled a long time ago.”
“Yeah? Maybe it’s your chance to change it.”
“Took a chance once, and look where that landed me.”
Look what it almost cost.
He shook his head. “You’re an idiot.”
I went for his fridge and grabbed a beer, needing to shut this bullshit down before I spiraled.
That was just when a clatter of voices echoed through the house, getting louder before the kitchen door swung open.
Grace came in first, followed by Faith and Jace.
“There are my big men,” Grace cooed, going directly for Ian and Collin, hiking up on her toes and planting a kiss on Ian’s mouth. I didn’t even think she noticed that her kid might as well have been wearing a toga.
“How’d it go?” she asked.
Ian grabbed her by the back of the neck, pulling her in for another kiss. “Perfect.”
“What are you two talking about in here?” Faith asked, glancing between Ian and me like she’d caught onto something ulterior, her dark hair swishing around her sweet face.
Had known Faith for all my life. About as long as I’d known Izzy.
She was an incredible woman. Strong and resilient. Couldn’t imagine a better girl for Jace or a better man for Faith.
They perfected the other.
But that didn’t mean either of them needed to know about any of this.
“Nothing,” I muttered.
At the same time, Ian was lifting his chin. “He just ran into Izzy.”
The asshole.
He was lucky he was holding that baby.
Faith’s attention jerked to me, something like horror in her expression. “What?”
Jace was rubbing at his chin in discomfort, and Grace slowly turned all the way around, her mouth gaping open, which was kind of unsettling considering she’d never even met Izzy, which meant Ian had been doing a little more of that tossing.
Big ol’ wheels rolling right over the top of me.
And there I stood, my heart in my throat and all those curious eyes trying to get inside my head.
I twisted the cap off my beer and lifted the bottle in a nonchalant gesture. “It was nothing.
”
Except I knew damned well it was everything.
Four
Izzy
Night pressed at the window of the same bedroom that had been mine for my entire childhood. On the second floor of the house, it sat at the opposite end of the hall as my parents’ room, which had made it a whole ton easier sneaking out all those times growing up.
Dillon and Benjamin had picked a room right next to me, choosing to share because that is what they had to do back in Idaho. The two were so close and found so much comfort in the other, separating them was like prying apart chain links.
It was just better to leave it alone.
Everyone else had gone to bed at least a couple hours before, and now, I sat beneath the yellowed, hazy glow cast by the lamp on the desk where I was sitting, a journal spread out in front of me and the end of a pencil tapping at my lip as I doodled my emotions and thoughts.
I was battling to process the turmoil that was ragin’ inside of me, as if I tapped into the quiet, I might be able to find the answer. That in the darkness, it might become clearer.
Fat chance of that. Because with each second that passed, it only felt more complicated.
I turned my gaze out the window. The towering tree rustled just outside, there like the sturdiest, most loyal of friends. Strong, thick branches stretched wide, as if it were inviting me to slip out into its safety, even though my daddy had screamed and ranted at me a hundred times that it wasn’t safe.
I’d climbed up and down that tree so many times, I could still picture the perfect sequence of steps, each branch a rung. I wondered if it would feel the same, climbing it now, or if that tree, too, had been shaped and changed by the passage of time.
I jumped about ten feet in the air when my phone rattled on the desk and went off with a shrill ring.
“Crap,” I muttered, fumbling to quickly answer. “Hi,” I rushed low, praying I’d silenced the ringing before it woke the rest of the house.
“I heard you ran into you know who,” Faith drawled, her country accent thick. Funny how the second I’d crossed state lines, mine had come rushing back, too.
Pushing from the white chair that matched the desk, I tiptoed over to my door that I’d left open in case either of the boys needed me during the night. I poked my head out into the hallway.
Coast clear.
I quietly latched the door shut, quick to pad back over to my bed. My room was decorated exactly the same as it’d been when I’d left—pale yellow walls and a yellow and green floral comforter, the bed piled high with fluffy throw pillows.
“Word sure does travel fast in this town, doesn’t it?” I mumbled low as I crawled on top of my bed and pulled my knees to my chest. “Should have just put out a notice in the paper.”
“This is Broadshire Rim. You know it does,” she told me, a tinge of laughter in her voice, though it was the concern interwoven with it that I really heard. “But I heard this one straight from the horse’s mouth.”
My guts twisted at the thought of her talking to Maxon. Being in his space. It just seemed . . . so wrong.
Like she was consorting with the enemy. Which was ridiculous because I knew full well they’d remained friends all this time.
“But don’t worry, the gossips around here are alive and well. I did overhear you got a job at Nelson Dentistry when I ran in to pick up some things at the drycleaners. Word on the street is you’re making double what poor Sandy was. Congratulations.” She was holding back wry laughter.
“They know nothing . . . I’m making triple,” I deadpanned.
I only wished.
She barked out a laugh. “Are you lost in some faraway fantasy again?”
“You know that’s where I like to live.”
“Time to come back down to reality with the rest of us, my friend.”
“Do I have to?” It was almost a whine.
Because I really, really wanted to stay there. In a place where I could make up all the circumstances and outcomes, and I didn’t have to deal with any of this that felt so out of control.
The teasing evaporated from her voice. “You do, Izzy. You do.”
Heaviness pressed down on my chest. The sigh I released weighed every bit as much. I brought my thumb to my mouth, nibbling at the nail.
I wasn’t quite sure that I’d ever felt so many emotions all at once.
Mixed, conflicted, and contradictory.
Hope floated around me, this bright, bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. Benjamin had struggled for so long, and now, he was getting his break. A bolster to his treatment. A buoy to his life.
And I’d gotten a job.
Relief billowed out at the thought.
A job that I needed terribly.
On top of that, it felt so good to be home with my parents, their love and support so strong within these walls that I felt as if I were walking around wearing a blanket of it.
But there was a dark blemish in the middle.
I could feel her hesitation before she tentatively asked, “So, how did it go? When you saw him?”
I shrugged as if it didn’t matter when it mattered so much more than I wanted it to. “Probably better than I could have predicted.”
“Really?” Faith’s tone filled right up with surprise.
“Yep. Ran out of there as fast as I could. Fight or flight. I picked the flight. I’m thinkin’ it was a good call.”
Because the last thing I wanted to do was hash out the past with Maxon Chambers in front of the Broadshire Rim grocery store. If I thought news of our unlucky meeting had spread fast, that would have caught like a wildfire in the middle of a drought.
I could almost hear Faith’s disapproval and worry.
“What?” I asked, chewing at my lip in discomfort.
“You know you can’t ignore him forever.”
“Why not?” Okay, of course, I knew. But procrastinating felt like a much safer option
“Because like I said, word travels fast.”
Pricks of apprehension stung my skin, biting down.
Barbs of regret and fear.
It was loaded down by a mountain of old pain that I still had no clue how to deal with. Maybe I’d ignored it for too long. Locked it in that secret place and pretended it wasn’t real.
The unfortunate part? That meant I’d been carrying it around forever. And it was always right there, lurking, threatening to break out. Accumulating in size.
I was terrified if I fully released it, let it out to run wild, it might just consume me.
Eat me alive.
Who was I kidding? It’d been eating me alive all along.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I finally admitted, wisps of agony clotting my voice.
All these years, she and I had remained friends.
She, our friend Courtney who still lived in the area, and I had grown up thick. With each other every second that our parents would let us.
Over the years, I’d stayed closer with Faith, who had a quiet spirit I couldn’t help but be drawn to.
Understanding.
A confidant I could trust with anything.
We’d communicated through emails and phone calls and Skype. She’d even been out to visit me once.
But I knew the burden it put on her shoulders.
That I’d asked so much of her.
Especially once she’d finally married her high school sweetheart, Jace, who just so happened to be one of Maxon’s best friends.
“Are you askin’ for my advice?” Her voice filled with playful speculation.
“I don’t usually need to considerin’ you’re all too happy to dish it out,” I returned, teasing her a little. She never hesitated to tell me like it was. Of course, she never judged me when I refused to agree.
“Don’t pretend like you don’t call me for that very reason.”
“Well, that’s because you’re very wise,” I shot back.
“I’m taking that as a compliment.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “As you should. You’re kinda awesome.”
She laughed, then sobered, waiting for me to catch up to the original question.
In contemplation, I twirled the end of my ponytail that had fallen over my shoulder. “Okay, fine, what do you think I should do?”
“I think you should tell him.”
Right, right.
Just throw myself right off a bridge. My broken heart flailing out in front of me. No one there to catch it when it hit the raging water below and got lost in the waves of the river.
I’d barely been holding onto it, all along.
“And what then?” I asked, the words burning like a knife dragged up the inside of my throat.
“I don’t have the answer to that, Izzy. That’s a chance you’re gonna have to take. And I know what he did to you was horrible. Horrible. I won’t even try to make excuses for that. But he is a good man. I wouldn’t be suggesting this if I didn’t wholly believe that is the truth.”
Anxiety hit me, so strong I felt some kind of attack coming on. Knowing she was right. Not wantin’ her to be. My head shook fiercely. “How can I just. . . trust him like that?”
“You take a leap. It’s the only thing any of us can do.”
“I don’t know if I can handle him hurting me any more.” Grief rode out on the confession, those wounds gaping in a way they hadn’t in a long, long time.
Because somehow . . . somehow it felt as if Maxon Chambers had once again gained the upper hand. My life held in his palms even when he shouldn’t have any power.
“I know you don’t believe it, but he’s been hurtin’, too,” she murmured.
Of course, I knew it. That man had always bled pain. It was his biggest pitfall—his refusal to see that he could live outside of it. The belief that maybe my love could have been enough.
“I don’t know if I’m ready,” I said.
“You’ve been hiding for a long, long time, Izzy. Don’t you think it’s about time you freed yourself from the cell you’ve been locked in? You’ve let the past dim your light. You’re one of the most brilliant, genuine, caring people I know, and you hide all of that behind your pain and fear. You can’t fly if you’re wearing chains.”
Pieces of Us: A Confessions of the Heart Stand-Alone Novel Page 5