by Dan Wingreen
And even if he was, as far as Aidan knew Eallair had never lied to him.
"And," Eallair said after a short pause, "If that ain't enough, there's the way you literally carried me to safety today."
"You wouldn't have even been there if it wasn't for me," Aidan said, his voice soft. Any satisfaction he might have felt at helping him out the day before was crushed by that guilt. "Even if I did save you yesterday, it kinda undoes it when you have to practically die the next day because I was stupid enough to get myself caught."
"That ain’t…exactly true," Eallair said slowly.
"Yes, it is," Aidan said sullenly. "If I'd just listened to you and went with you, I wouldn't have gotten arrested and tortured by Anwir and you wouldn't have had to come back for me. I still don't know why you bothered."
"Ah. Um, about that…" Eallair winced. "That's, sorta, completely my fault. Actually."
"No. Don't even try to blame yourself for my stupid decisions. You don't get to sweep my mistakes under the rug just because you want me to feel better."
"That ain't what I'm doing," Eallair said with a sharp glare. "What I mean is it's literally my fault you even got arrested in the first place."
"It's not your fault they got a recording of us on a crystal ball."
"Yes, it bloody well is!"
Aidan paused. "What?"
Eallair let out an exasperated sigh. "Sit down and I'll tell you." After a moment's hesitation, Aidan sat across from him on the other bed. "I knew the crystals were there, all right? When I was inside, I destroyed every surveillance crystal they had so they couldn't get a picture of me; I do it all the time when I break into places, so I don't even think about it anymore. I knew there were more outside, even knew where they were, but since I came in through the basement and not the front door, I never got rid of 'em. I meant to, after I landed, but then I saw you standin’ there with that sorta happy, sorta frozen deer look you got and I got distracted, what with all yanking on your hair and such like a twelve-year-old. I didn't even realize until hours after you dropped me off that I hadn't taken care of them and realized they would have seen me with you. I even went back to that Wizard Town to try and find you, but I only found your carriage. I didn't know if it was parked by your building or not, so I camped out in an alley nearby and waited till morning. And then I, um, sorta fell asleep."
He winced again. "When I woke up and the carriage was gone, I knew exactly where you'd go, being all proper wizard and such. Got there almost too late though…" He looked at Aidan solemnly. "For that I'm truly sorry. But you are not useless and you're anythin’ but a liability. You saved my life twice, from my own idiocy as much as anything else. If anything, I should be questioning why, in all the hells that anyone ever believed in, you'd wanna stay with me."
Once again, Aidan was completely speechless. Eallair's confession definitely ruined the picture he had of Eallair as powerful and all knowing, even if he never realized he'd had that mental image of him until just then. But the trade-off was that the horrible, stomach clenching guilt started to ease. He'd actually been useful. In his whole life, the only thing he'd ever been good at was helping kids adjust to being wizards, and even with that he could never really be sure exactly how successful he was. But this? He'd actually saved Eallair's life. Twice, if he believed him. And, inexplicably, he did. It was a strange feeling, having something he wished was true actually turning out to be true. Strange, but nice. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Aidan smiled.
"You're…kind of a calamity," Aidan said with a teasing smirk.
Eallair blinked. "I…" He paused thoughtfully, then lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Aye."
Aidan laughed, and after a few seconds Eallair joined in with a chuckle of his own.
"So, I take it this means you're not mad at me?"
Aidan probably should have been. He would have been any other time, actually. But despite everything he'd just learned, it still bothered him that he couldn't help Eallair during his fight with Anwir. His smile dimmed slightly, but he didn't fall back into the black mood he'd been in. He had helped before, so he could do it again. Next time Eallair needed him, he was determined not to let him down.
And if a large part of that determination was because he really liked the way Eallair looked at him when he called him a "guardian angel"? Well, so be it.
"No." Aidan shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes. He brushed it back and gave Eallair a smile. "I'm not mad at you."
The intense look of relief on his face startled Aidan. He didn't know why it obviously mattered to Eallair; maybe he had some guilt of his own? No matter what, he was glad he could make him feel better about it.
"Good," Eallair said after a moment.
Aidan didn't know how long they sat there staring at each other before he realized they were sitting there staring at each other. He couldn't read Eallair's expression, but it was a bit disconcerting to have one hundred percent of someone's attention focused solely on him. On the rare occasion people looked him in the eye, it was never for very long, and never because they wanted to. As strange as it was, Aidan found he liked it.
And his eyes are kind of pretty, too.
He stiffened in surprise. Where had that thought come from? But even as he wondered, he knew it wasn't the first time he'd admired something about Eallair's appearance. Even when he was shoved up against a wall and seconds away from getting his hand burned, he'd noticed things about Eallair he'd liked; not to mention all the times since then. Aidan felt an all too familiar ball of not-quite-unpleasant dread forming in the pit of his stomach.
Oh, sweet Merlin's charred corpse, I'm attracted to him.
He tore his gaze away as fast as he could, terrified Eallair would somehow suddenly see it in his eyes. This was bad. He'd already sort of come to terms with the idea he was getting attached. Aidan could deal with attached. He could probably even get comfortable with the thought of Eallair as a friend instead of a protector. Or a murdering terrorist bent on the destruction of all Aidan held dear, even though he found it hard to believe he'd ever thought that now. But attached and attracted? He couldn't see any way it would end well. Caring about someone never did, for him.
Unfortunately, that was when he realized, instead of staring into Eallair's eyes, Aidan was staring at his bare chest. He flushed and quickly looked away.
There was a pause in the air, then the quiet stillness of a few seconds before was replaced with a thick tension Aidan could practically feel against his skin. He wondered if hoping Eallair hadn't noticed how flustered he was would be too much to ask for…
"Oh. Ah, sorry," Eallair said sheepishly a moment later. "I, uh, I ain't really used to bein’ around folk so much these days, I sorta forget how…all this, can look to people. I'll get a shirt."
Something in his voice drew Aidan's gaze back against his will. He looked back just in time to see a look of sad resignation pass over Eallair's face before he turned away to start getting up. He thinks I'm disgusted by him.
"No!" someone shouted. Aidan winced. That was me, wasn't it? It apparently was, since Eallair glanced back at him, startled. "I don't…it's not…" Aidan sighed in frustration and tried to ignore the way his face began to burn. He thought about just dropping it and escaping to the bathroom for a shower, but he couldn't stand the fact he'd put that look on Eallair's face. "You're not gross or, you know, anything. I mean, it's…you have a nice, um, you look good without a shirt? Not that I'm judging! Or…staring. Or anything. But, um, you do. Even with…that. It's sad, but not, you know, disgusting…"
Aidan forced himself to meet Eallair's eyes, even if that was the last thing he wanted to do after his flustered rambling. Several different emotions flashed across Eallair's face, faster than Aidan could identify; except for one that looked like relief, or maybe gratefulness. Although Aidan might have been wrong.
"So, what you're sayin’ is…" Eallair said slowly. For a terrible second, Aidan thought Eallair had seen everything Aidan
was feeling and was going to call him out on his attraction. He definitely wasn't ready to deal with that. Not out in the open where it had to be dealt with awful concepts like acknowledgment and gentle letdowns and awkward silences. But just when Aidan was steeling himself for the worst, Eallair's lips pulled up into a smirk. "You think I'm sexy topless?"
For a second, Aidan was horrified that Eallair had seen what he was feeling, but Eallair's look was teasing, not judgmental or uncomfortable. Aidan let out a short, relieved laugh. Jokes he could deal with. Even if they were more truthful than not. "You wish."
Eallair grinned. "Don't think I need to wish; you look like you're about a second away from throwin’ yourself at me in a completely shameless display you'll be embarrassed about later. But since I'm such a gallant gentleman, I'm gonna go get a shirt on and save your dignity from irreparable damage."
Aidan rolled his eyes as Eallair pushed himself up off the bed a little stiffly, then went over to the armoire and opened it. Inside there was a rod to hang clothes from, but any hangers that might have been there were long since stolen. On the bottom tucked into the corner was a slightly worn, black duffel bag with the scroll case resting on top of it. Eallair moved the case, then started going through the bag. There were more scars on his back. Less of them, but still enough to make Aidan wince. How could somebody stand so much pain? It made him feel a bit guilty for whining about how much it hurt when Eallair "refilled" him.
"Does it hurt?" Aidan asked as Eallair started pulling on a black, long-sleeved shirt.
He paused with the shirt over his head. Aidan thought he heard a sigh, then Eallair pulled the shirt down the rest of the way. "No," he said. He zipped up the duffel then closed the armoire before turning around and walking back. He took a seat on the bed opposite Aidan, and Aidan couldn't decide if he was relieved or disappointed Eallair hadn’t sat next to him.
"Why didn't you heal yourself?" Aidan asked tentatively. It was rare, but he'd heard of sorcerers who couldn't use healing magic for some reason. He didn't think it would be something they'd want brought up. "Can you…not?"
Eallair chuckled. "Nah, I can heal just fine. Takes a lot out, though. Not really worth usin' the energy makin’ myself look all pretty when I don't know how long it'll be before I need it again. All I ever bother fully healin’ up are the parts what can’t be hidden by clothes—" He gestured to his face then waggled his hands “—and everythin’ else just gets a top up.”
That made sense, Aidan supposed. He never really considered how tiring it could be to use magic. There was apparently a lot more Aidan didn't know about it than he thought.
He chewed his lip as he debated about whether to ask his next question. Might as well, I've already gone back on the "don't ask annoying questions" thing.
"How does that even happen?" he asked. "I mean…I don't want to pry or anything. And if you don't want to tell me that's, you know, perfectly okay. But…it just seems like you'd have to work at getting that much damage on your own." He hesitated, then pushed ahead. "Did someone do that to you?"
Eallair snorted, then shook his head. "Nah. Not any one person, anyway. Just a lifetime of stupidity and carelessness."
"Oh." Aidan frowned. "Okay then."
For what seemed like the longest time they sat there, looking at each other. Aidan had more questions, but it was becoming obvious Eallair wasn’t comfortable answering them, and he didn't want to push any more than he had.
Finally, Eallair sighed and seemed to come to a decision. "I didn't exactly have the most…stable of upbringings. Family didn't really stick around long after I was born, so I pretty much had to raise myself."
"Your parents left you?" Aidan asked softly. If there was anything he could sympathize with, it was that.
Eallair shook his head though. "Not as such. It's…complicated. They stayed around for a bit, but when I was young, they all went back home and left me behind. It were my choice to stay, and I'd make it again if I could, but looking back I weren't really old enough to be making it. After they left, I never really had anybody but a few teachers and friends growing up." He laughed softly to himself. "Some of 'em better influences than others. Strange as it sounds, it were the better ones what got me fighting. And I did a lot of it, as you can probably guess. Takes a fair bit to break yourself up the way I am. Fought for things, fought against things, but for most of my life I fought to find Arthur…"
"Why?" Aidan asked when he didn't continue.
"Why what?" Eallair asked, seeming to shake himself out of his thoughts. "Why look for Arthur?"
Aidan nodded.
Eallair pulled his hair from the neck of his shirt and pushed it so it fell back over his shoulders. He took a long moment to answer. "Because you can't win a war on your own,” he said finally. “Trust me, I've tried. All the power and trainin’ in the world can't hold a candle to a symbol. Somethin’ for people to fight for. All the stories like to focus on what a great warrior he was, but if you look close at 'em, even the ones what practically reek of government propaganda, you can see that the true gift he had was bringin’ people together in a common cause. He united two whole islands to drive out the Romans, then kept 'em united even after the threat were gone. He built a kingdom in a muddy, rainy swamp and made it the most glorious place that ever existed. When you're goin’ up against a government that's stamped out freedom and choice and convinced millions of people that it's actually in their best interests not to have any say in their own lives, you need someone like that. Nothin' less'll shake ‘em enough to make them actually want something different."
"But why do you even want to? Or want them to, or us, or whatever," Aidan asked in sudden frustration. It was the one thing he couldn't even begin to puzzle out. "I mean, I know why I'm here. But why did you ever start this quest or fight or whatever you want to call it? Why do you care?"
Eallair smiled, then, and it was the saddest smile Aidan had ever seen. It was almost a crime that an expression that was supposed to be happy could be so heartbreaking. "Because I made a promise to a friend," he said quietly.
"Oh," Aidan said. "So…you're doing all this for a friend?"
"Well, no," Eallair said, slightly perplexed. "I'm doing it because I believe in it. You asked me why I started. I started because of a friend."
"Oh," Aidan said again. It bothered him, more than he wanted to admit, that Eallair was doing this for a person. Started for a person. Whatever. It kind of made him feel like a stray Eallair picked up, or maybe a side character that gets written out or forgotten halfway through the book. "Must have been a good friend, then. Are they…out there? Looking for Arthur too maybe?" Aidan kind of liked the thought that they'd found him first, even though he really didn't have anything to do with that. "Are we gonna meet up with him at some point?"
Eallair gave him a strange look, then shook his head. "Nah," he said, a bit of sadness creeping back into his voice. "He died, years ago."
And now Aidan just felt guilty.
Getting petty and jealous over a dead guy, way to go.
"Um, sorry," he said.
"Nah, it's all right," Eallair said with a quick smile. "Nothin’ to be sorry about."
Aidan still felt bad though.
A slightly strained silence settled over them, and Aidan racked his brain to try and figure out something to say to break it. Unfortunately, he couldn't think of anything except more annoying questions or some horribly forced attempt at a joke. Even pretending he was standing in front of a group of WA kids didn't help this time.
"Well," Eallair said, startling Aidan out of his thoughts, such as they were. "Maybe we should move onto something a little less depressin’ then?"
Aidan blinked slowly. That…was actually really easy. "Okay." He tried to think of something to bring up, but got stuck again. Oh, right, that's the hard part.
"Since I told you a bit about my childhood, why don't we talk about yours?" Eallair asked with a grin. "Is little Aidan as adorable as I'm picturing?"
Aidan froze.
Out of all the things that could have fallen under "less depressing" topics, that one wasn't even in the same universe.
As Aidan sat there, unpleasant memories bubbling up to the surface of his mind, Eallair's teasing grin slowly melted into a look of confusion before his eyes widened in realization. "Ah. Shit. Right. You're a wizard. Why was I thinkin’ you had a happy childhood?" He scowled and muttered to himself, "Such a bloody idiot."
"Yeah, you are," Aidan agreed quietly. He wasn't sure which one of them was more surprised. You bring up bad memories, he forgives you. He brings up bad memories; you basically call him an idiot. Perfect.
Eallair's eyebrows rose almost comically high and, even though Aidan was annoyed with himself, he couldn't stop his lips from quirking into a tiny smile. Eallair actually looked kind of adorable himself with that expression.
Why not? Aidan thought with a mental shrug. He did tell me a bit about his childhood after all.
Maybe he could start off with a happy memory.
"My dad saved my life once," he offered.
Eallair looked surprised and a bit confused at the sudden subject change, but after a second or two he seemed to understand the gesture for what it was. "Oh?"
Aidan smiled, mostly to himself. "Yeah. I was eight, I think. My parents had been approved for their first joint vacation ever that summer and it was a huge deal; even as a kid I knew something special was happening from how excited they were. They had a whole week to do whatever they wanted, but all I remember is them asking me what I wanted to do."
Now Eallair smiled, too. "They sound like good people."
Aidan shrugged. "They were, I guess." It was part of what made it so hard when they finally rejected him. He shook off those thoughts. This was a good memory and he didn't want to ruin it with heartache.
"So, where did little Aidan want to go?" Eallair asked.
"The beach. It wasn’t very far from our house, and we didn’t stay at a hotel, but we drove the full hour up and back and made a day trip of it every day they had off." Aidan smiled wryly. "I hate the beach now, but when I was a kid I would have lived there if I could."