by Dan Wingreen
It didn't make him feel any better this time.
"I'm…sorry. I don't like lyin’ to you—"
"Then don't," Aidan said, not unkindly.
Eallair hesitated, then sighed. "All right then." He licked his lips, a nervous gesture that seemed so out of place on Aidan's confident sorcerer. "I have a…power. Something that's kinda passed down through my family since about…forever, really. It's old magic, from back before the world even had magic."
He paused there, and at any other time Aidan might not have pushed, but he wasn't going to accept small bits of opening up anymore.
"What kind of power?" he asked.
Eallair did glance at Aidan then. Just a quick look, but Aidan saw something surprising in the brief glimpse.
Shame.
Aidan…didn't like seeing that feeling in Eallair's eyes. Shame and Eallair shouldn't even occupy the same planet.
"It lets me use magic without actually usin’ magic, by drawin’ on my own life force instead." Eallair swerved the carriage to avoid a particularly large rock sticking out of the sand. "I don't really like usin’ it much."
“Your own life force?” Aidan frowned. "That…sounds like necromancy."
"It ain't necromancy!" Eallair yelled suddenly. He glared at Aidan, his eyes flashing with anger and frustration and, in the back, behind everything else, the same shame. "Necromancy takes other people's lives. This…only drains mine," he finished quietly. "Pretty fast, actually."
"I'm sorry," Aidan said, contrite. He felt bad for Eallair, he really did. He knew exactly what it was like having a power inside of him that could kill him if he used it. But he was still hurt Eallair had kept that power secret from him. "Why didn't you tell me, though?"
The real, unspoken question echoed through Aidan's head.
Don't you trust me?
"Because," Eallair said. "Back home, in Britannia I mean, and some other places, my family and others like me were hunted down by people what wanted to steal it from us. It's powerful magic, for all it kills you, and it lets you do things that can't be done with regular magic. More’n just the necromancy twins back in the cave have wanted it for their own selves. I don't want you bein’ put in danger because you know my secrets and some pint-power magic user decides to try and get them from you." His grip tightened on the wheel. "You've already been hurt enough because of me."
Aidan stared at him, almost unable to believe what he was hearing. "Merlin's ass, that's fucking stupid. Do you really think that's gonna protect me?"
"You sure do got a lot of sayings about Merlin's body parts," Eallair said with a small smile.
"I'm being serious, Lee!" The smile faded. "People are gonna think I know your secrets just because I know you! Or they'll try to use me to get you to do what they want. It's already happened once, and you know what? I took care of myself. And you. And yeah, I almost killed myself doing it, but at least the bad guys didn't win!" Aidan swallowed roughly. "You can trust me that much at least."
Silence filled the carriage again.
"It ain't that I don't trust you," Eallair said finally. "I trust you. More than I probably should. More’n makes sense to me anyway. I don't trust easy and it ain't hard to lose that trust, but with you…I don't think there's anything you could do to get me to lose it. I just…wanna protect you."
Some of the heaviness seemed to fade out of the air then, at least for Aidan. Eallair trusted him, had actually said the words, and it went a long way to getting rid of some of the doubts the Shaman had put in his head.
Too bad he still had a few of his own.
Aidan sighed. "I know you do, but you can't lie to me and keep huge parts of your life a secret. Not anymore. Not after…"—he gestured back and forth between them—"whatever this is."
"'Whatever this is'," Eallair repeated flatly.
Aidan crossed his arms defensively and hunched down in his seat. "Well, I dunno what to call it! You kiss me and you say you trust me and you're amazing, then you turn around and keep things from me and lie to me and treat me like a kid you're stuck dragging around. What would you call that?"
"I don't treat you like a kid—"
"Yes, you do! You talk over me and—"
"I don't do nothin’ like that!"
"Yes, you do! You did it in the village with the Shaman and again when you tried to get him to keep me from going with you to the cave because you wanted an excuse to leave me behind!"
Eallair paused. "I…did that?"
"Yes!"
He blinked, stunned. Which brought Aidan up short.
How can he not know that?
"I…didn't mean to," Eallair said after a long silence. "I thought I was…no, that's bullshit. I didn't even think about it. I just did what I always do. I ain't used to"—he repeated Aidan's earlier gesture—"this. I ain't had much between me and other people what weren't illegal deals to get a hold of banned materials and such, or fights to the death. Not in a long time. I ain't used to dealin’ with someone I care about, equal like."
Aidan pushed down the jealous part of him that wanted to focus on that "Not in a long time" and focused on the rest of what he'd said.
"I'm not either," he offered. "Used to…this, I mean. I don't really know what to expect except—" He clamped his jaw shut and felt his face start to burn. No way was he bringing that up yet. "Do you really think of me as an equal?"
"Of course I bloody do!"
Aidan flinched. "You don't need to get mad at me—"
"I ain't," he said, softer this time. "I'm mad at myself. I'm screwin’ this up every way I can and—"
Aidan let out a yell as Eallair suddenly slammed the brakes. The carriage slid across the sand before coming to a sharp stop that hurled him against his seatbelt before throwing him back against the seat. Before Aidan could open his mouth to ask what the fuck was going on, Eallair was out of his side of the carriage and into Aidan's and then the kissing started and even though he still had no idea what was happening, just going with it seemed like the best course of action.
Some indeterminable time later, Eallair pulled away, leaving Aidan's lips tingling and his breath short.
"That's what goes through my head every time I think about you," Eallair said, his face inches from Aidan's. Several long strands of hair had fallen out of the tie and brushed against Aidan's cheek. "Every. Single. Time. And I'm always thinkin’ about you. You're in my head, little fire, in every bit of me, and I never want you to leave. That's what this is. You can give it whatever name you want, but in the end it's all just me and you and nothin’ else matterin’ but keeping it that way for as long as we can. And I can't ever feel that way about someone that I think, even for a second, is less than me. Truth is, you're so much more than I could ever be. If I ever don't think of us as equals, it's because I don't wanna drag you down to live in the shit with me."
Prophecies, the Shaman's words, doubts, even the excitement from the lifelong yearning to use magic finally being in reach were burned away by the look in Eallair's stormy gray eyes. Aidan had been wrong. This was the most important thing that ever happened to him. Everything else, the cops, Anwir, the caves, was just…stuff that had to happen before he could get here. He could almost feel the pieces of his old life finally stop rearranging themselves. It felt good. Better than good. He felt whole again.
All because a sorcerer finally opened up his heart.
"O-oh," the new Aidan said, his voice soft.
Despite the less than articulate pronouncement, Eallair smiled.
"You believe me then? That you mean more to me than anything else? That I'd do anything for you?" he asked.
Aidan meant to nod. To say yes, he believed it, that he couldn't believe he ever doubted how much Eallair cared for him. But when he opened his mouth, what came out was, "What if I asked you to stop looking for Arthur?"
Aidan was horrified even as he asked, but instead of the shock or uneasiness or hesitation or outrage he would have expected, Eallair's smile just deepened.
"You wouldn't," he said with quiet confidence. "You ain't one to just let bad things keep happenin’ if you can do something about it. It's one of the things I love about you."
Aidan's throat tightened. "L-love?" he asked.
"Aye," Eallair said.
Aidan had no idea what to say, so he just went with the first thing that popped into his head. "But you barely know me…"
Eallair shrugged. "You barely know me, and you still decided to come with me. The shaman-people barely knew us, and they sent us off with food and a customized carriage. Sometimes, you don't need to know someone for a long time to know who they are or decide how you feel about them. You're kind, honest, easy to be around. You always try to do the right thing, you're smart enough to change your mind even if it means admittin’ you were wrong about somethin’ your whole life, you call me on my bullshit, and you look adorable in a sweater. You even killed a necromancer for me." His quiet laugh filled the carriage. "What more do I need to know?"
Aidan wanted to protest, but he couldn't find the words. Eallair was telling the truth, Aidan could see in it in his eyes.
"It's the most terrifying bloody thing that's ever happened to me, but I love you, Aidan."
Aidan didn't know whether to melt or throw up.
He was just getting used to the idea someone could want to kiss him; what in the ancient hells did he know about love? No one had ever—
But that was the old Aidan talking. Maybe the new Aidan—the one who was pushed back against his seat in a specially modified carriage in the middle of the desert, being pressed into said seat by a man even his wildest fantasies wouldn't allow him to dream up—could believe someone could love him. Maybe he didn't have to question it, or worry about when Eallair would see…whatever it was everyone else in his life eventually saw that made them leave or betray him. Maybe he could just…enjoy it.
Even if he wasn't sure how he felt in return.
"I…"
Just fucking say it!
But part of the old Aidan had made it into the new one. He couldn't say the words. Not if he wasn't sure he meant them. And he wasn't. He cared about Eallair. He was attracted to him. He wanted to be in his life for as long as he could. But love? What did Aidan know about love? Nothing. And until he was sure, he couldn't force himself to say the words. It would be the worst kind of lie. The kind that never stopped eating away at a person. The kind that could break even the strongest of newly opened hearts.
"You don't need to say anything." If Eallair was hurt or disappointed, or if he really was that understanding, or maybe if he somehow knew exactly what was going through Aidan's head, Aidan couldn't tell. His expression never changed. "I just want you to know how I feel, and that it ain't gonna change."
"I do," Aidan said. That, at least, he could say without reservation. "Know, I mean. I… Thank you."
Instead of speaking, Eallair kissed him.
Yeah. This is a much better thing to do with my mouth than talking.
Still, when Eallair pulled away again several minutes later, Aidan couldn't keep quiet.
"You make it so hard to stay mad at you," he said with a sigh.
Eallair's lips quirked as he lightly stroked Aidan's cheek. "Now why would you wanna stay mad at me for?"
"Because you lied to me." Aidan pushed his hand away, suddenly angry again. He hated the way his emotions kept swinging back and forth, but he couldn't help it. The anger was also sort of comforting, in a way. At least he knew he was angry. "Because of what you did last night at the village."
Eallair frowned. "What I did—"
"You saw the way they were looking at me after you told that stupid story!" Aidan exploded. "Like…like I was some kind of—"
"Hero?" Eallair cut in.
"Yes!" Aidan pushed Eallair off of him. To Aidan's surprise, Eallair let himself be pushed away without a fight. Aidan squirmed in his seat so he was sitting up.
"But that's exactly what you are," Eallair said, back in his own seat.
"No, I'm not." Aidan shook his head. "Not like that. Not like I can just snap my fingers and have people do dangerous things for me just because I did one thing."
"That is the kind of hero you are though. It's the only kind there is. And that's why I'm not a hero. I ain't someone to follow. I proved that more’n enough times over my life."
"So instead you force it on me?" Aidan asked bitterly. "So much for choice."
Eallair pushed the loose strands of hair behind his ear and sighed. "It ain't like that."
"Then what's it like? Please tell me, Lee, because I have no idea how the fuck else to look at it."
"I didn't do it to you, I did it for you. And for them." He cut Aidan off when he opened his mouth to protest. "I wanted to go alone, to keep you out of it to protect you, yeah, but I also wanted them to feel like they owed me. Me, not you. I wanted them to be so grateful and awed that an outsider risked his own life to save them that they'd slip me into one of their prophecies and do anything I asked. And you know how I would have used them?"
Eallair didn't wait for an answer. He leaned in so close Aidan could smell his slightly stale breath, and when he spoke it was like he was delivering a prophecy of his own. "Expendable troops. They're an entire race of hardened fighters and I would have thrown them at the cushy little DMS agents and the army and let ‘em tear each other apart. I'd have let ‘em all die and told myself it was for the greater good, the exact same thing I hate hearin’ from anybody else, because I'm a bloody hypocrite sometimes. Ends justify the means, long as they’re my ends."
Eallair's eyes never left Aidan's as he spoke. He's not lying. Not even a bit.
"But you know what I did instead? I gave ‘em to you. You didn't just save them when you came with me, you saved me, too. Because you"—his voice softened—"you won't do that. You ain't had the life I have. You ain't made the choices I made. You're better than me, Aidan. And they're better off with you."
Eallair smiled wearily. "Maybe I should have given you a choice, but if I had to do it all over again, I'd have done it the same way. Because as much as I love you, I think I'd hate myself just a little bit more if I wasted all their lives the way I was gonna."
Aidan looked away first. He couldn't stand seeing the deadly certainty in Eallair's gaze. He'd always seen Eallair as a pillar of righteousness and morality; his own if no one else's. No matter how many times Eallair told Aidan he was just as human as Aidan was, Aidan still couldn't get himself to fully believe it. It completely figured it would be Eallair who would finally shatter the illusion. Now Aidan saw him for who he was. A person just like Aidan. Just as flawed and uncertain. He hated it. He wanted a pillar. But he couldn't hate Eallair. In fact, Aidan suspected this just pushed him closer to the opposite.
"It's okay to hate me," Eallair said quietly. "I'll understand completely if you do."
Aidan laughed softly and looked back at him. "You're a horrible liar."
"Only with you." A ghost of a smile tugged at his lips.
"I don't hate you," Aidan said. He reached over and grabbed Eallair's hand. "Wanna know why?"
Eallair squeezed back and nodded.
"Because you stopped yourself," he said. "Maybe you're not exactly who I thought you were, but you're enough like him to know what's right and what isn't. You could have done exactly what you said you were gonna do and I'd have been too mad at being left behind to notice until they were all dead, and probably not even then. Instead you pushed it on me." Aidan shook his head and smiled wryly. "The thing I wanted to punch you in the face for an hour ago is the thing keeping me from hating you now. Maybe this whole 'terrorist rebel' thing is fucking me up more than I thought it would."
Eallair smirked, a halfway decent approximation of his usual grin. "You could punch me in the face if it'd make you feel better."
Aidan's laugh caught him by surprise. "That would probably make me feel like crap actually."
"Good for me then, because I didn't really mean it."
<
br /> Now it was Aidan's turn to smirk. "Yes, you did."
"Did not."
"Terrible liar, remember?"
Eallair chuckled. "I think I'm gonna start hating that at some point."
Aidan rolled his eyes but didn't say anything; silence filled the carriage again.
"Are we okay?" Eallair asked just as the quiet began to get heavy. He didn't even try to hide how much the answer meant to him. The stark, willful vulnerability in that softly asked question would have melted a heart far colder than Aidan’s.
No matter what had happened, or almost happened, he still cared about Eallair. He could still look him in the eye and recognize the man he’d met in that alley a lifetime ago, and he could still trust him to make the right choices when it really mattered.
In the end, maybe that was all it took to have a relationship with someone. Feeling and trust and the ability to look at someone and know without a shred of doubt, despite their mistakes, they could still be relied upon; that they could be trusted, not just with your heart, but with everything you held dear.
"Yeah, we're okay."
Eallair's entire body seemed to deflate. But it was a good kind of deflation. The kind that said: "Stand down soldier, no need to be on guard anymore. The war's over."
"Good." He smiled and it made Aidan's heart thump in his chest.
Oh yeah. That's the smile. Aidan's lips curved upward.
Then, something Eallair said before popped back into his head.
"Wait, you knew about the prophecy?" Aidan asked suddenly.
Eallair blinked rapidly, obviously thrown by the question. "Oh. Uh, yeah. I did. You did too then?"
Aidan ignored his question. "How?"
He recovered quickly. "These nomad types always got a prophecy or two floatin’ around." He shrugged. "Plus, the kid reeked of it."
Aidan raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"And," Eallair said with a grin, "the Shaman told me about it before we left."
"Why didn't you tell me about it?"
"Because you weren't speakin’ to me, remember?"
Now it was Aidan's turn to blink. "Oh. Right." He gave himself a mental shake then hesitated before asking, "Do you…think it's true?"