by Dan Wingreen
The room was surprisingly nice. The double beds had clean bedspreads and the walls and ceiling were spotless. Two armoires flanked a medium sized writing desk on the wall across from the beds and the crystal ball on the night table between them looked like it had been polished recently. Lee took a shirt from his bag and immediately threw it over the crystal. In theory, they weren't supposed send or record anything unless they were activated, but Lee had never been one to blindly trust theories. Aidan's own crystal ball had been next to his bed back in his apartment, and he really hoped no one had ever figured out how to watch him, since he'd almost always gotten dressed right in front of the stupid thing.
They didn't unpack. They never did. This time instead of talking or collapsing on the bed and making noises that always got a comment from Lee, Aidan dropped his bags and sat down on the edge of his bed without a word. A subdued silence hung in the air between them. It had been building all day since they'd been forced off of the back roads, and grew as they got closer to the city. Aidan had hoped it might break when they finally got there, but if anything, it only got worse. Lee would barely look at him, and when he did it seemed like there was a dark cloud lurking behind his eyes. Sometimes his glances would linger when he thought Aidan didn't notice. They'd get more intense; like he was trying to burn the image of Aidan into his brain.
After securing the door with his magic, Lee sat down on his own bed and kicked off his boots. He sat there silently, absently picking at one of the scorch marks on his leather jacket. Aidan found his fingers straying towards his own singe marks and smiled faintly.
"I wish you'd stay here," Lee said quietly, breaking the silence.
Aidan's fingers froze. So that's how this is gonna go. He's trying to leave me behind…again. He bristled and sat up straighter, preparing to argue, but before he could, Lee's eyes met his and he held up his hand.
"I ain't sayin' you have to," he said. "I'm just sayin' I wish you would."
The lack of argument brought Aidan up short. "You're…not gonna make me stay behind?"
Lee snorted softly. "Weren't exactly under the impression I had a say in the matter."
Aidan frowned. He should have been happy he wasn't going to have to have this fight again, but he couldn't get past the way Lee was acting. Like he was dreading having Aidan tag along with him.
"You don't have to worry," Aidan said. "I'm not gonna screw anything up this time. You've seen me practicing my magic and I've gotten really good at it. I'll be useful—"
"It ain't that," Lee cut him off, shaking his head in frustration. "It ain't ever been that."
"Then what?" Aidan asked.
Lee looked at him again and Aidan was shocked to see how old his eyes looked. Old and scared. "I don't want to lose you."
Aidan swallowed heavily. There was a horrible certainty in his voice Aidan had never heard before. Well, maybe that wasn't completely true, he realized. Lee had sounded the same way once before, in the caves right at the end when he thought they were both going to die. That Aidan was going to die.
"I'm not going to die," Aidan said, echoing a promise Lee had once made him. But unlike Aidan had when that promise was made, Lee clearly didn't believe it.
"You can't promise that," he said. "We're breakin' into the bloody White House of all places. We ain't got no idea how it's laid out, no idea where the sword is, no idea what kinda protections and guards they got and no idea how to even get in. Ain't no words or promises that can change that."
"You've done stuff like this before—"
"And I had weeks to prepare," Lee cut him off. "I knew how to get in and out, I knew how many people inside were agents and how many were just normal folk that would run at the first sign of a fight. I knew where to go to find what I was lookin’ for and even with all that plannin' and preparation, more often than not I only ever got out alive because—"
"Because you're you," Aidan broke in, unable to listen anymore. Lee wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be giddy and thrilled at the thought of breaking into the White House. He was supposed to be driving Aidan crazy with it, not making him want to cry. "You're Lee. There's nothing you can't do. You're…you're kind of amazing, really."
A sad, tired smile tugged at Lee's lips. "I wish that were true. No matter how amazing I am, there ain't any way I can see this ending good."
“So now you have prophecy dreams?” Aidan asked, crossing his arms.
“That ain’t—”
“Then how do you know?” Aidan pressed.
“I don’t know. But,” Lee quickly added when Aidan began to speak, “I feel it. I feel it deep inside me. And maybe I ain’t even had the power of prophecy, but I got a while lifetime of instincts and all of ‘em are screamin’ at me that if we both go to the White House, we ain’t both comin’ back.”
That gave Aidan pause. Lee’s instincts weren’t usually wrong.
"Okay," Aidan said after a minute, wiping his suddenly sweaty palms on his jeans. "Then we don't go. Maybe you're wrong about needing Excalibur to wake Arthur up. I mean, he's sleeping, for Merlin's sake. We'll stop somewhere and get a really loud alarm clock and see what happens."
Lee let out a sound that was almost a laugh. "I wish it were as easy as that. We need the sword, though. It's the only way."
The certainty in Lee's voice tore at Aidan's heart. He hated it, hated seeing Lee so anxious and pessimistic. Despite everything they’d been through and every time Lee showed himself to be just as flawed and fallible as anyone else, he was still a very real pillar of support for Aidan. Having that pillar shaken also shook all of Aidan’s new convictions. Things he was so sure about even an hour ago, ideals he’d been prepared to fight and possibly die for, now seemed to be built on a foundation of sand and ash. One wrong step and everything could come tumbling down.
Is it really worth one of us dying? It was on the tip of his tongue to ask. Thoughts that Aidan had never even considered since throwing his lot in with Lee suddenly sprang to life at the first sign of doubt. Maybe…they didn't need to be the saviors of the world. Maybe the rivers could meet and just…enjoy being together. They could find some place in the Canadian Territories or go back to Two Rivers' village and just, live out their lives. Even if the hunter found them then, what could one man do against a whole village plus Lee? Aidan could take his time and find out what love really was, and Lee could finally relax and give up his endless battle. They didn't have to find Arthur or fight the government or steal Excalibur or any of that. Neither one of them had to take any more risks.
Neither one of them had to die. They could be happy. And it wouldn’t even cost much.
Only the lives of every child the DMS felt like killing and knowing for the rest of their lives their lives that they could have tried to stop it, but didn’t.
Aidan sighed. What was the point in asking a question he already knew the answer to?
In the end the foundation didn’t matter. Ash and sand or solid, steadfast bedrock; either way they had no choice but to stand on it and move forward. The alternative was unthinkable.
Lee was always there for me when I had doubts. He’s always been the strong one, the one who inspired me to push beyond what I thought was possible and come out better on the other side. If he needs me to be the strong one for once, then I’m damn well gonna be strong. If nothing else, I owe him that.
"So, what do we do?" Aidan asked. "Because I'm not letting you go alone. If we need to do this, we're doing it together." He crossed his arms and fixed Lee with his best challenging stare. "And neither one of us is going to die. So, whip up a plan, plan boy. And you better make it a good one because I'm not risking my life if I smell even a hint of 'somehow'."
There. That's suitably motivational.
I hope.
For the longest time, Lee just stared at him, his face blank and unreadable. Aidan fought the urge to look away. Instead, he gathered up every ounce of willpower he had and met Lee’s gaze with all the ferocious determination he
could summon up blazing out of his eyes.
Come on, Lee. We can do this.
Finally, after what seemed like a small eternity, Lee’s expression cracked. He let out a small, broken laugh and shook his head.
“You are somethin’ else, Aidan Collins. Little fire my ass, you’re a whole blazin’ inferno. Bloody hell. And you wonder why I love you," he said.
Aidan flushed and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, well, I…" Don't have any idea what to say.
Lee smiled sadly. "I really wish you could say it. Even once."
The guilt hit Aidan like a knife to the gut and nearly shattered his newfound strength. "I…" He swallowed. "I wish I could, too," he whispered.
"Why can't you?" Lee asked gently. Or at least he tried to be gentle. Aidan could hear the worry behind it, though. It made him feel worse. Lee had been so patient and understanding, but apparently even he had his limits. "Do you not…?"
"I—" Even now, when he wanted to be able to just fucking say it to get that tone out of Lee's voice, his throat locked up. He couldn't do it. He couldn't lie to make Lee feel better and the truth…was all he had. "I don't know," he said. He glanced up at Lee through a curtain of hair and saw the pain in his eyes.
"It's not that I don't," Aidan said quickly. "I swear. I just really, really, don't know. I don't…" He forced himself to go on, no matter how stupid it was going to sound when he said it out loud. "I don't know what love is. Everyone that's ever said they loved me has either left me or lied to me and I won't do that to anyone else. I can't. You deserve better than that." He got up and walked over to the other bed, taking Lee's hand in both of his before sitting next to him and looking up at his sorcerer. "You deserve to know that when I say it, I mean it. That it's one-hundred-percent-without-any-doubt love."
This close, it was easier to see the pain in his eyes, but once again Aidan wouldn’t let himself look away. It was his punishment, for not being able to give this one thing to the man who'd given him so much. Even when the tension around Lee’s eyes eased and the pain lessened—or, at least, was hidden better—Aidan didn't let himself look away.
"When you say it?" Lee asked.
Aidan nodded. Wanting it was never the problem. "When I say it."
Slowly, Lee smiled. "I think I can live with that."
You shouldn't have to live with it. He didn't say it. There was no point in saying something both already knew.
"Speaking of living," Aidan said, trying to force as much lightheartedness into his voice as he could. "Isn't there an awesome plan that you should be coming up with?"
A shadow passed across Lee's face, there and gone in less than a second and replaced with what could only charitably be called a grin.
I'll take it.
"I'll do my best." Despite the joking lilt to his voice, Aidan knew it was as solemn a promise as Lee had ever given him.
Me too, he silently promised back.
That night, after they had both cleaned up and gone to bed, Aidan lay awake staring at the ceiling. The five feet of space between his bed and Lee's felt more and more like a canyon with every passing second. There was so much already between them, it seemed stupid to let distance be something else. That decided, Aidan kicked off the blankets, got out of his bed, and slipped into Lee's.
"Huh?" Lee asked sleepily as Aidan pressed himself to his back. "Aidan…?"
"I…" Aidan's voice caught in his throat as he felt his face burning up. "I just wanna sleep, okay?"
"Aye," Lee said with a smile in his voice as he turned over on his back and pulled Aidan into his arms. "Sleepin's fine with me."
And so, all wrapped up in Lee's arms with his face against his chest and his heart pounding, sleeping was exactly what Aidan did.
He wasn't even surprised at how easy it was.
◆◆◆
The next day they took a tour of the White House.
As far as plans went, Aidan thought it was less 'awesome' and more 'suicidal', but Lee was insistent it was the only way they were ever gonna get any idea of what kind of resistance to expect and what the layout might be. According to him, they had three days at best to think up a plan and steal the sword before they were running the risk of any hunter or DMS agents that might be following finding them, so they didn't have time to wait around for two months while they perfected a theft. When Aidan said he couldn't imagine Lee ever spending two minutes planning anything, let alone two months, a more than slightly affronted Lee went into a long explanation of everything that normally went into figuring out how to break into a government building, up to and including rescuing "cute wizards that didn't know better than to try to renew their damn licenses when they were wanted terrorists." Aidan had been so glad to see his Lee back he would have agreed to anything.
Which was how he found himself walking through the halls of the most important building in the world, trying to count DMS agents and looking for any door that looked like it led to a basement, since he couldn't expect to find one with Excalibur's Secret Hiding Place scrawled on the front of it.
It was surprisingly easy to actually get in a tour group. Lee bought the tickets—with a fair bit of grumbling about how people had to use the little bit of money the government let them have to pay for the privilege of seeing the "opulent, overwrought, idiotic-spire-filled monstrosity"—so there weren't any issues with Aidan's lack of a Wizard's License. Aidan was slightly disappointed because he had a spell written up in his back pocket he was dying to use to light the little candle beside the lady selling tickets, which would prove he could use his magic and thus wasn’t a wizard. He’d always wanted to do that, and now that he could it was like an itch under his skin he couldn’t scratch. Sadly, even though they’d experimented enough with Aidan’s magic to know a burning spell page in his pocket wouldn’t light his clothes on fire, it made more sense for Lee to do all the candle lighting for now.
All the security crystals he saw, once they actually got inside the White House, pushed all thoughts of lighting candles and fulfilling childhood fantasies out of his head. They'd tried to disguise themselves, with Lee changing his hair to blond and changing Aidan's to a shade of dark auburn Lee said went great with Aidan's skin. They'd also gotten two button-up shirts with some pretty awful color patterns, to build up the image of two normal idiots who thought a vacation was all the excuse they needed to wear garbage they'd never wear in public anywhere else. Telling himself no one would recognize him with different hair and a puce and lime shirt in his hotel room was one thing, but expecting it to hold up in front of what seemed like a thousand crystals all looking right at him was definitely another.
He was shocked when they got to the gathering area for the tour groups without every DMS agent in the building storming the room and arresting them.
Nothing happened though. Not then, and not for the rest of the tour. They were shown around by an overly cheerful woman named Nicole who seemed more interested in explaining why everyone should be grateful they had such a generous and thoughtful government providing such great lives for them, than saying anything about the White House itself. Even the old Aidan would have thought she was laying it on a bit thick. He wasn't complaining, though, since it made it easier to tune her out and focus on memorizing as much of what he saw as he could.
When they got back to the hotel, they combined mental notes into real notes and started to try and work out a plan.
Two days later, they had the best they were going to get.
"This is less awesome than I was hoping." Aidan ran his fingers through his hair, thankfully back to its original black.
Lee sighed, his own normal colored hair pulled back into a loose tail. "Aye. Best we can do, though."
They drifted into silence.
Tomorrow they were going to break into the White House. Even though that was pretty much all they'd talked about for the past two days, Aidan still had trouble wrapping his head around it. The icy ball of dread in his gut was quick to remind him it was all too real. By
this time tomorrow either one of them could be dead or captured. Or, more likely, both of them.
Stop it. Don’t even think that.
The bed dipped as Lee sat down next to him. He was back to wearing jeans and a tight black t-shirt. Aidan found himself staring at Lee's arm, at the way the scars crisscrossed through the hairs there. There weren't nearly as many as there were on his torso, but even one was too much as far as Aidan was concerned. How many of them did he get the day after a night like this? How many times had he been hurt? How many times had he almost died, yet made it through? Had there ever been anybody else to protect him from even one of those scars?
Without even realizing it, he started lightly tracing the scars with his fingertips. Lee's steady breathing hitched. Would Aidan have a collection of scars like that, if he survived? One day, would he be sitting in a hotel room with somebody else staring at him and wondering how he could have possibly survived whatever had given them to him? His chest ached at the thought of sitting like this with anyone but Lee.
Aidan looked up at him and was startled to see Lee staring at him, his eyes burning with…something. Something that made Aidan's heart pound in his chest.
"D-did you ever think about healing them? After you got them, I mean?" he blurted out.
Lee shook his head. "Nah. Weren't no point."
"Do…you want me to try?" he asked softly.
Lee's lips pulled into a half smile. "Wouldn't work. They're a part of me now. Magic can't heal what belongs there."