by Dan Gutman
“Bok bok bok,” said Mr. Klutz.
“Vut are you doink?” asked Dr. Brad.
“I’m a chicken!” shouted Mr. Klutz, running around the class and flapping his arms. “Bok bok bok. Where can I lay my eggs?”
“Mr. Klutz is nuts!” Michael shouted.
Mr. Klutz ran a few laps around the classroom, looking for a place to lay his eggs. Then, just as suddenly, he stopped acting like a chicken. He looked like himself again.
“I wasn’t in a trance,” he told us. “I wasn’t hypnotized for a second. I was just kidding.”
“Eet only verks on zum people,” said Dr. Brad.
“Exactly,” said Mr. Klutz. “Even if it had worked, it would be impossible to hypnotize the whole school. But I have another idea that might help lower everybody’s stress level.”
He went out in the hall for a minute. When he came back, a lady was with him. She had long black hair, and she wasn’t wearing shoes.
“This is Ms. Jo-Jo,” Mr. Klutz announced. “She’s a wellness expert.”
“She digs wells?” I asked.
“No, dumbhead!” said Andrea. “She makes people feel well.”
“I knew that,” I lied. I was going to say something mean to Andrea, but I couldn’t come up with anything good.
“Namaste,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. She bowed to us with her hands pressed together.
“HUH?” we all said, which is also “HUH” backward.
“Nah-mah-stay,” said Ms. Jo-Jo slowly. “That means ‘the light in me bows to the light in you.’”
“Why don’t you have shoes on?” asked Michael.
“Shoes are jail cells for the feet,” Ms. Jo-Jo replied.
That’s weird.
Ms. Jo-Jo had a machine with her. It looked sort of like a big toaster. She plugged it into the wall socket.
“What does that thing do?” asked Ryan.
“This is a Mood Meter,” she replied. “It reads the stress level of people in a room.”
Ms. Jo-Jo turned on the Mood Meter, and a few seconds later it beeped.
“Ooooh,” she said. “The stress level in this room is over a hundred. That’s very high. You kids must be really stressed out.”
“Yes,” said Mr. Klutz. “Everyone is on edge because they have to take the Fundamental Arithmetic/Reading Test in a few days.”
“If our school doesn’t do well,” added Mr. Cooper, “the president of the Board of Education is going to shut it down. Can you help us?”
“I’ll try,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “I’ve never worked with children before. But I’ll do my best. Let’s do a little exercise. Everybody close your shoes and take off your eyes.”
“HUH?” we all asked.
“I mean, take off your shoes and close your eyes,” said Ms. Jo-Jo.
Oh, that’s different.
We took off our shoes and closed our eyes.
“Now take a deep breath,” said Ms. Jo-Jo.
We all took deep breaths, even the grown-ups.
“Hold it . . . and let it out,” she said softly. “In . . . and out. In . . . and out.”
“I already know how to breathe,” I said. “If I didn’t know how to breathe, I’d be dead.”
Nobody laughed at my joke. They were all breathing in and out.
“Now picture a beam of energy,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “Ride it out of your body, up into the air, and toward the stars.”
I pretended that I was riding a beam of energy out of my body and into outer space. It was cool.
“Very good,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “Now repeat after me—”
“After me,” we all repeated.
“No,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “I mean repeat after me.”
“After me . . . after me . . . after me,” we all repeated. “After me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . . after me . . .”
We repeated “after me” for like a million hundred minutes. Finally, Ms. Jo-Jo said we could stop repeating “after me” and open our eyes.
“How do you feel?” asked Ms. Jo-Jo.
“I feel more relaxed already,” said Mr. Klutz.
“Me too!” said Ryan.
“Me three,” said Neil.
“Me four,” said Alexia.
In case you were wondering, everybody said they felt more relaxed. Ms. Jo-Jo went over to look at the Mood Meter.
“Look!” she said. “Your stress level is down to ninety-four. That’s still very high, but it’s a big improvement. If we can get your stress level down to fifty, you will be really relaxed.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Klutz. “What do you call that breathing exercise?”
Ms. Jo-Jo replied, “I call it zenergizing.”
Ms. Jo-Jo’s zenergizing was so successful that Mr. Klutz hired her to come back and help us every day leading up to the big F.A.R.T. It was in three days.
“Namaste,” Ms. Jo-Jo said as she came into the class and bowed to us.
“Namaste,” we all replied.
“What are we going to do today, Ms. Jo-Jo?” asked Neil.
“Are we going to get zenergized again?” asked Alexia.
“No, today we’re going to do yoga,” replied Ms. Jo-Jo.
I never did yoga before, so I decided that it’s dumb. Anything you never did before is dumb. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“Ooooh, I love yoga!” shouted Andrea, who loves everything grown-ups love. “I signed up to take a yoga class after school.”
Andrea takes classes in everything after school. If they gave classes in blowing your nose, she would take that class so she could get better at it.
“I love yoga too!” shouted Emily, who loves everything Andrea loves.
“My mom takes a class in goat yoga,” said Ryan. “They do yoga exercises while goats climb all over them.”
Everybody laughed, because we were picturing people doing yoga while goats were climbing all over them.
“That’s ridiculous!” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “I would never do anything that silly.”
“So what kind of yoga are we going to do?” Andrea asked.
“Turtle yoga,” replied Ms. Jo-Jo. “I call it . . . Toga.”
She went out in the hall and came back wheeling a bunch of yoga mats and a big aquarium filled with turtles.
“Where do you think Ms. Jo-Jo got all those turtles?” Ryan whispered to me.
“From Rent-a-Turtle,” I whispered back. “You can rent anything.”
“These are my emotional-support turtles,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “They help me relax.”
“They’re adorable!” said Emily, who thinks all animals are adorable.
“Lie down on these shoes and take off your yoga mats,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “I mean, take off your shoes and lie down on these yoga mats.”
Ms. Jo-Jo got on the floor and showed us something called the cow pose. It’s a pose that makes you look like a cow, so it has the perfect name. While we all did the cow pose, she put a turtle on each of our backs. It was weird feeling, but cool too.
“Turn off your eyes and close your brain,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “I mean, turn off your brain and close your eyes. Are you feeling your inner turtle?”
“I am!” said Andrea.
“Turtles are ticklish!” said Alexia.
“My turtle is walking on my back!” said Michael.
“Turtle yoga is fun!” said Ryan.
“Imagine that you’re playing fetch with your turtle,” said Ms. Jo-Jo.
It’s really hard to play fetch with a turtle. You throw a stick or something and the turtle doesn’t come back with it for, like, an hour.
Doing yoga with turtles was ridorkulous, but fun. Ms. Jo-Jo taught us a bunch of poses: downward-facing dog, lion pose, cobra pose, tree pose. In the middle of it, Mr. Klutz came in.
“I just wanted to see how the kids were making out,” he said.
Ugh, gross!
“We’re having a toga party!” Ryan told him.
“TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA!” I chanted.
I thought that everybody was going to chant with me. But nobody did. Everybody was just looking at me. I hate when that happens.
Suddenly, for no reason, Emily started freaking out.
“What’s the matter, Emily?” asked Andrea.
“I think my turtle just peed on me!” Emily shouted.
It was hilarious. Everybody was laughing, even Emily. We were all relaxed and having fun.
Ms. Jo-Jo went over to check the Mood Meter.
“The turtle yoga must be working,” she said. “See? Your stress level has dropped down to seventy-six!”
“Great job, Ms. Jo-Jo!” said Mr. Klutz.
“Namaste,” she replied.*
There were only two more days until the F.A.R.T. We were still nervous about the test, but thanks to Ms. Jo-Jo, everybody was getting relaxed. We couldn’t wait to see what she was going to do with us next.
“Namaste,” she said as she walked into our classroom. She was carrying a tray with a bunch of paper cups on it.
“Namaste,” we all replied.
“Are you kids getting relaxed?” she asked.
“Yeah!” we all said.
“Great! Get on your shoes and take off the floor.”
HUH?
“I mean get on the floor and take off your shoes.”
Oh, that’s different.
“Today we’re going to relax your senses,” said Ms. Jo-Jo as she gave each of us a cup with some green stuff in it. “First, your sense of taste. Drink this.”
“What is it, mint?” I asked as I took a sip.
“It’s celery juice,” she replied. “It’s a superfood.”
Ugh! Celery juice tasted like celery, but even yuckier. I thought I was gonna die. Everybody hated the taste, except for Andrea and Emily, of course. They asked for seconds.
Ms. Jo-Jo felt bad that we didn’t like her celery juice, so she gave each of us a pacifier, which are those things they give to crying babies to keep them quiet.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked.
“Suck on it, of course,” said Ms. Jo-Jo.
“But they’re for babies!” complained Ryan.
“Aren’t we all just babies that got bigger?” asked Ms. Jo-Jo. “Pacifiers relax children of all ages.”
I sucked on the pacifier. She was right. It was relaxing.
Next, Ms. Jo-Jo went out in the hall and came back carrying a big tent, the kind you use when you go camping. She pushed some of our desks aside and opened up the tent in the middle of the classroom.
“What are we going to do with a tent?” asked Michael.
“It’s not just a tent,” Ms. Jo-Jo replied as she climbed inside. “It’s an Aroma Dome. It will help relax your sense of smell. Come on in!”
We all climbed into the Aroma Dome. Ms. Jo-Jo lit some stinky candles and told us to breathe in the essential oils. Then she took a banana out of her pocket.
“What’s that for?” Neil asked.
Ms. Jo-Jo peeled the banana and told Neil to rub the peel on his ears. He did. This was getting weird.
“Banana oil calms your nerves and relieves your stress,” she told Neil as she ate the banana. “Go ahead, everybody try it.”
I wasn’t going to rub a banana peel on my ears. No way! That was just too weird.
But everybody else in the class started rubbing the banana peel on their ears. I didn’t want to look like the weird kid, so I rubbed the banana peel on my ears. It felt strange, but kind of nice.
“Your skin absorbs the vitamins from the banana,” said Ms. Jo-Jo.
After that, she burned some green leafy stuff called sage. She said it promotes healing and gets rid of bad vibes, negative energy, and evil spirits. It also stinks. I was afraid it might set off the fire alarm.
“Ummm,” said Andrea. “It smells nice in here.”
“The Aroma Dome is like a rain forest,” said Ms. Jo-Jo, “but without the forest.* Next, let’s relax your sense of hearing.”
She told us to get on the floor of the Aroma Dome and lie facedown. Then she took a bunch of big bowls out of a sack and put one bowl on each of our backs. This was getting really weird.
“What’s with the bowls?” asked Alexia.
“This is called singing bowl therapy,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “Ready for a sound bath?”
She hit each bowl with her hand.
Boiiiiiiinnnnngggg . . .
My bowl vibrated like crazy. It felt buzzy all over.
“Vibrational healing dates back to ancient times,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “It blocks out noise pollution and helps you escape from the stress of modern life. Isn’t it soothing?”
Boiiiiiiinnnnngggg . . .
Boiiiiiiinnnnngggg . . .
“Invite calm into your brain,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “Unwind and go with the flow. Let the flow flow through your body.”
Singing bowl therapy is cool. Ms. Jo-Jo let us switch bowls so we could feel different vibrations.
Boiiiiiiinnnnngggg . . .
Boiiiiiiinnnnngggg . . .
“Finally, we need to relax your sense of touch,” Ms. Jo-Jo said as she collected up the bowls. “Everyone turn and face the student on your left.”
I turned to my left.
It was Andrea. Uh-oh.
“This will really help you relax,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “I’d like you to gently massage that student’s feet.”
Noooooooo!
“I’m not going to touch your feet,” I told Andrea.
“Arlo, you have to,” Andrea replied. “Ms. Jo-Jo said so.”
This was the worst moment of my life. I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Penguins didn’t have to give each other foot massages.
I didn’t want the guys to make fun of me for rubbing Andrea’s feet. But Ryan was rubbing Neil’s feet. Emily was rubbing Michael’s feet. Everybody was rubbing somebody else’s feet. So I rubbed Andrea’s feet.
Ugh. Disgusting! I thought I was gonna die.
“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. is rubbing Andrea’s feet! They must be in LOVE!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
Ms. Jo-Jo had us do foot massages for a million hundred minutes.
“Okay, now all your senses should be relaxed,” she said.
Ms. Jo-Jo climbed out of the Aroma Dome to check the Mood Meter. It said our stress level was down to sixty-two.
“WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down. We were getting really relaxed!
It was our last day before the F.A.R.T. While we were putting our backpacks into our cubbies, I told Ryan that Ms. Jo-Jo must be super relaxed all the time. She probably never gets stressed out.
“She’s cool as a cucumber,” said Ryan.
HUH? What did cucumbers have to do with anything?
“Namaste,” Ms. Jo-Jo said as she came into the class.
“Namaste,” we replied.
Ms. Jo-Jo was carrying a bowl in her arms. I thought we might be doing more singing bowl therapy, but there were pink blocks in the bowl and an electrical cord hanging out of the bottom.
“What’s that?” asked Emily.
“It’s a crystal salt lamp,” Ms. Jo-Jo replied.
She told us the crystal salt chunks were millions of years old and they came from Pakistan. She plugged the cord into the electrical outlet on the wall. The bowl gave off a warm, pink glow.
“I am grooving on it,” said Ryan, nodding his head.
“Yeah, man,” said Michael.
“The crystal salt lamp produces ions that change the electrical charge of the air,” Ms. Jo-Jo explained. “This will boost your mood and balance your aura.”
I had no idea what she was talking about.
“Now I have a special surprise,” she told us. She went out in the hallway and came back with t
his thing that looked like a pyramid.
“What’s that?” we all asked.
“In ancient Egypt,” said Ms. Jo-Jo, “they believed that pyramids had a mysterious secret energy. They line up with the earth’s magnetic field.”
The pyramid was actually a bunch of pyramids that fit inside each other, like a stack of ice cream cones. Ms. Jo-Jo gave each of us a pyramid.
“What are we supposed to do with it?” Andrea asked.
“You put it on your head, of course,” replied Ms. Jo-Jo.
We put the pyramids on our heads.
“Good,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “Now repeat after me.”
“After me . . . After me . . . After me . . .” we repeated.
“The mind is infinite,” she said.
“After me . . . After me . . . After me . . .”
“Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream,” she said.
“After me . . . After me . . . After me . . .”
“Love is love.”*
“After me . . . After me . . . After me . . .”
“Feel your cosmic energy.”
“After me . . . After me . . . After me . . .”
“Now, slowly bring yourself back to your awareness.”
“After me . . . After me . . . After me . . .”
“Did you feel your heart rate slow down?” asked Ms. Jo-Jo.
“My heart slowed down so much that it almost stopped beating,” said Neil.
“Good,” said Ms. Jo-Jo. “Now I’m going to blow the ceremonial conch trumpet to help you return to reality.”
She started blowing some weird trumpet thing. And you’ll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.
Nobody! Walking into a door would hurt. I thought we went over that in chapter two. But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway. It was Dr. Brad and Mr. Klutz!
We took the pyramids off our heads.
“Why were you wearing pyramids on your heads?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“Ms. Jo-Jo told us that pyramids create a mysterious secret energy force that lines up with the earth’s magnetic field,” Ryan explained.
I thought Mr. Klutz might be mad that we were wearing pyramids on our heads. But he wasn’t.