I made the split-second decision to open up a bit to Lexi. I wouldn’t divulge everything, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to offer up something to her. Friendships couldn’t blossom if they were built on lies.
“I had to be homeschooled for my final year of high school. There were these guys…” I trailed off and clenched and unclenched my hands as the memories resurfaced. “They wouldn’t leave me alone. They were mostly athletes from our football and basketball teams. They spread rumors, saying I was a slut and a nympho, a bunch of other stupid shit, too, like how I snuck into the boys’ locker room after games and would give a blow job to the guy who made the winning basket.”
“That’s awful. What a bunch of assholes.”
“Yes, they were. I probably could’ve dealt with it if they had just spread rumors. But then they started to get handsy and I was terrified each morning to go to school.”
“Did you report them?”
I nodded. “My parents did, but I decided not to come forward with the names of who was harassing me.”
Lexi’s eyes were shocked. “Why not?”
“Because they were the stars of the school and it was my word against theirs. They also sent anonymous threats online. I was scared of how they would retaliate if I pursued it.” I had regrets about not trying to get the boys in trouble, but I was already psychologically beaten down at that point. There were other battles still ahead of me and I couldn’t imagine fighting anyone else. And the boys had gotten what they wanted—they had driven me off.
“I knew something must’ve happened to make you so skittish about guys, but I had no idea what it was. I thought maybe you had a bad sexual experience, but I was also confused because you had told me you were…”
“A virgin,” I finished for her. “I am.”
Lexi blew out a long breath. “Autumn, those guys sound like sick freaks, but that doesn’t mean all men are like that.” She looked at me meaningfully and added gently, “It doesn’t mean all jocks are like that either.”
“I know,” I said quickly. It was a habit to assume all football and basketball players were out to get me. The truth was there had been a select few who tormented me. The rest had simply turned the other way, pretending they no longer saw me. Maybe they hadn’t since I went to great lengths to hide under oversized sweatshirts, hoping for invisibility.
“Blake may have a rep as a womanizer, but it could be like the same thing that happened to you. Maybe they’re only rumors.”
“I don’t like Blake,” I sputtered out. Lexi smiled knowingly, prompting me to continue, “Besides, he told me he’s not interested in me like that.”
“Hmm,” Lexi said, thoughtfully tapping her lips. “I find that hard to believe. And I think you’re protesting too much about being hot for our school’s sexiest football player. I think you have it bad for him.”
I grinned, glad for the touch of levity. “I don’t have it bad for him. I just find him intriguing for some reason.”
“Sure you don’t like him, that’s why you’re cyberstalking him,” Lexi teased.
“If we’re going to study together, I figured I should get to know him better.”
“Panting at videos of him in his football uniform won’t help you research his academic aptitude,” Lexi laughed. “Wait until Casey hears you’re hanging out with him, she’s going to murder you in a jealous rage.”
“Well, if things don’t work out with her boyfriend back home, I’ll play matchmaker between the two of them.”
As I conjured up a picture of Casey and Blake together in my head, my stomach revolted. I didn’t want to be attracted to him, but it was hard not to be. His face and body were perfectly sculpted, all chiseled lines and hard in all the right places. With a pair of gorgeous eyes and a sensual mouth to boot, it was perfectly understandable how I could find myself fantasizing over what it’d be like to kiss him.
Blake wasn’t good for my mental health. If I wanted to venture out into the dating pool again, a guy like Josh would be a much better choice. Maybe it was time to work toward being free of my demons. I came to Cook to escape and free myself of the opinions of the people in my hometown. Most importantly, I came to take back control of my life.
Chapter Four
Blake’s pencil was again resting upon the desk next to him. I hid a smile as I climbed into the chair. He was sporting a pair of aviator sunglasses and groaned a greeting when I said hello.
“You okay?”
“No, rough night. I was going to skip, but figured I’d come off as a douche if I asked to steal your notes already.” He pulled off the glasses, placing them on top of his desk. “I was going to see if you and your roommate wanted to stop by the Football House, but you never gave me your number.”
“What, do you have a party at your house every night?”
I sounded a little judgmental and acknowledged I was resentful at times. A small part of me missed going out, partying with careless abandon. There was a girl named Faye on the high school cheerleading squad who had free rein over her family’s guesthouse. I had a lot of my firsts at Faye’s and the reckless moments of partying would eventually come back to haunt me. When everything went to hell, she was one of the first to dig up photos of me at her house. Shameful pictures painting me as a different person than I actually was. The pictures of the drinking games were bad enough, but the overtly sexualized photos were what destroyed me. It was humiliating to know my parents would likely see photos of me flashing my bra and panties. I was fifteen and sixteen years old in most of the images, immature and thoughtless. Never realizing every action had consequences.
Blake was answering me. “I don’t live there. I have an apartment off campus with my friend Darien.” He added with an exaggerated shudder, “Besides, that house is a shithole from all the parties there. When I go to bed at night, I don’t want to worry about catching crabs.”
“Thanks for the visual,” I replied dryly.
Once the professor arrived, I tried to focus on the lecture. My nerves were fried, partly to do with the guy sitting five feet away from me. He put me on edge and I wished for the tedium of last semester, when I had dressed and acted without any thought to attracting the opposite sex. Before art history class that morning, I’d woken up early to shower and style my hair, taking extra time to run my fingers through the long locks to create a sexy tousled look. I’d put on mascara and pink lip gloss, not overdoing my makeup, but hoping to accentuate my best features.
I couldn’t explain what was behind my efforts. Blake had told me he wasn’t into me in that way. I reasoned my motivation was to chase what I couldn’t have. Blake was safe and it was the reason my crush was growing. Because honestly if Blake liked me, I wouldn’t know what to do with him. I hadn’t been physical with a guy in two years and had trouble mentally prepping myself to take that step. One of my biggest fears was I’d never be able to be intimate again with a man.
“Are we going to breakfast again?” Blake asked me at the end of class. I nodded and followed him out of the arts building. He put back on his sunglasses and matched my stride. I tried not to become hyperaware of how he was close enough that I could feel his body heat.
Once we were seated with our trays of food and the table put distance between our bodies, I relaxed. I hadn’t felt unnerved by him the last time we ate together and I was trying to pinpoint the change in my attitude. It most likely had to do with my regular schedule of watching him play football on my computer.
There was a raw masculinity about him on the football field that I found sexy as hell. He was all fluid motion as the ball glided into his arms and he ran with determination down the field. When he took off his helmet at the conclusion of the game, his hair plastered with sweat and his tanned skin glistening, my pulse began to race and my mouth dried up. He was utterly beautiful.
I laughed as I looked at his plate of food. “Is that your hangover cure?” He had two fried eggs smothered with salsa and shredded cheese on top of two flour tortillas.
“Yes, I didn’t have time to get an Egg McMuffin this morning, that’s my usual go-to cure.” After a minute of chewing thoughtfully, he said, “So, you don’t go out a lot? I was serious when I said I never saw you at parties before.”
I shrugged. “I’m trying to keep my priorities straight. My grades were just okay in high school, but my GPA last semester was three point eight.”
“So, what do you do for fun?”
“I don’t know. Read, go to the movies, normal stuff.”
“Were you different in high school?”
The question annoyed me and I deflected. “Isn’t everyone?”
“Not really, I don’t think I changed that much. What were you into before you came to college?”
“What’s with all the questions?” I asked, my hold on the orange juice container tightening. I shook off my irritation and said, “I was into being the most popular girl and leaving high school as the homecoming queen. I was into bullshit stuff that shouldn’t have mattered to me.”
He frowned. “Why doesn’t that matter? Doesn’t everyone want to be popular?”
“Do you ever get tired of being the person everyone expects you to be? Like what if you got injured tomorrow and lost the ability to play? What would happen then?” I demanded, feeling myself getting worked up over the topic. “Would your friends still be around? Would every girl on campus still fawn over you?”
He brought his hands up and laced his fingers behind his head. “You’re being a little insulting. I’m wounded you think the campus only worships me because I can play football. You forgot how I look fucking amazing and my reputation for being an animal in bed.”
Startled, I looked up. Oh god, not the dimples, I thought. I let go of the death grip I had on the orange juice. Blake should run, run fast. I had too many issues and somehow he was bringing them to the surface. I relaxed once it dawned on me he was teasing. “Cocky as fuck too.”
He laughed, most likely relieved that the intensity of the conversation had dissipated. “Never would’ve thought you had a dirty mouth, Autumn. You’re definitely a contradiction.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s like you want to be a nerd girl because it’s safer that way. You seem afraid of people seeing what you’re really like and believe hiding behind this fake front is going to protect you.”
We locked eyes and I found myself tongue-tied. How could he analyze me so well after hanging out only a few short times together? I was wrong about Blake. He wouldn’t lose anything if he couldn’t play football. He was too smart, too charismatic to not have anything but a charmed life.
I didn’t want to be bitter and I hated Blake seeing glimpses of that side of my personality. But it was hard not to feel betrayed. If things had been different and everything went to shit for one of my friends, I would’ve stood by them. I wouldn’t have sided with the majority and cast them out friendless and humiliated.
***
In the days following, I had an English literature paper due and spent most of my spare time working on it. Twice a week, after our art history class, Blake and I settled into a routine of going to eat together. We got along well enough, but his probing questions about high school bothered me. It made me suspicious, and I wondered if his questions were more than mere curiosity. My first thought was he hailed from somewhere near Newpine and maybe he’d heard the stories and was trying to confirm if they were true. It eased my mind when I discovered he was from Clark, a city about forty minutes from where I grew up.
As we spent time together, I became accustomed to the envious looks of other girls. He was tall, athletic, and handsome and I could empathize with the girls who looked thunderstruck as he walked past them. Sometimes I wanted to ask Blake how many women he had actually been with. But I was afraid the answer would shatter my crush and confirm he was way out of my league.
My literature text was in my lap as I sat cross-legged on my bed. I was attempting to find a quote to work into my paper. Lexi had been studying as well until she hopped off of her bed to answer a knock at our door.
“Hi, Josh,” Lexi said with casual indifference. I set my book down and raised my eyebrows in her direction. She shot a wink my way behind Josh and I quelled the urge to bolt. It was safe to assume his arrival was her attempt at setting us up. I had thought it was something I wanted, but Blake was confusing my feelings. I couldn’t understand him. He was making it a point to get to know me, but would come off as cold at times, keeping me at arm’s length.
Lexi made a show of looking at her watch. “You know what? I told Finn we would meet up and head to the gym. I’ll have to catch you both later.”
Before a protest could escape my lips, Lexi grabbed her purse and shot out of the room. I took note of the boots she was wearing—not exactly something she’d have on for working out. I planned to pay her back later for the impromptu setup. I didn’t like the feeling of being bulldozed into dating Josh.
Josh sat down on my desk chair while I remained on my bed. He smiled in my direction and I relaxed. Josh was safe; I’d been alone with him before without my panic rearing its ugly head. However, I was pleased to note Lexi left the door ajar before bailing on me.
“How are your classes going?” Josh asked.
“I can’t complain. It may be a different story once we get closer to midterms,” I said.
“Are you going home anytime soon?”
“Not until spring break. My parents insist on picking me up. They won’t let me take the train. I hate to make them do the drive unless I’m going to be home for more than a weekend.”
My parents had closed ranks after my junior year in high school. They put me on a short leash and in all honesty I didn’t mind it. I no longer had any friends back home, so it wasn’t like I had anywhere to go. In my parents’ minds, they’d given me too much freedom. They reasoned if I’d been better supervised, my downfall would’ve never happened. A two-hour train ride was something they decided was too dangerous for me to do on my own.
“I’m going to wait until spring break too. You know, since we’ll both be around on the weekends, we should plan to get together some time.” Josh was trying hard to sound casual, but the sheen on his brow clued me in on his anxiousness. He was sweet and cute, but I never thought of him as anything more than a friend. I never felt butterflies long after seeing him. Going out with Josh wouldn’t be fair to him. Josh deserved a girl whose toes curled each time she thought about kissing him.
“We should do that, but just so you know, I’m not looking to date. I like you, but…”
He interrupted. “We don’t have to label it. We could go out to dinner and just take it from there.”
“Dinner sounds date-like.”
“Why? We’ve gotten food together before. Besides, you eat with Blake all the time and you’re not dating.” He persisted, “I saw him dropping off Kaylee—remember her, the blond cheerleader we took biology with last semester?—at her dorm yesterday morning. She was wearing a short red dress so I’m assuming it wasn’t for a breakfast date.”
Josh was testing my reaction. He had no idea how well I could hide inside of myself, showing a calm exterior when a storm was raging. It had been key to my survival when the floor dropped out from under me and I was left alone. I was harassed mercilessly with no one to stand by me. Showing a reaction would’ve only made things worse.
Concentrating on leaving my face expressionless, I shrugged. I wasn’t surprised about Blake having a one-night stand; I wasn’t immune to hearing the rumors about his reputation. Since we met, my ears perked up whenever his name was mentioned in conversation. I never asked him about the rumors and we instead spoke of what I considered our safety net: art history, football, and college. Blake had a tendency to work the conversation around to high school time and time again, but he was picking up on my discomfort about the topic. It disappointed me to think he was the type to peak in high school and always looking back on his so-called glory days.
&nb
sp; “I didn’t want to tell you at first, but I figured you were too smart to have feelings for him.” Josh leaned in closer and said in a conspiratorial whisper, “He’s not exactly the right kind of guy for a nice girl like you.”
Oh Josh, I thought. He was trying hard and I should’ve been flattered by his compliment, but it rubbed me the wrong way. It was unfair of him to assume anything about Blake. He was a twenty-one-year-old football player who looked as though he belonged on a billboard for an underwear campaign. He wasn’t in a committed relationship as far as I could tell. If he wanted to sleep around, it was his business.
“Blake’s a friend and that’s all,” I murmured.
“Will you consider it then? Going to dinner with me?”
My head bobbed up and down automatically. “Yes, dinner sounds great.” I had already checked out of the conversation, my mind continuously wandering to Blake. Would I have more enthusiasm if he was the one asking?
The guilt was immediate once I saw Josh’s eagerness. Although he said it wasn’t a date, I could see the expectations there. His objective was clear: take me to dinner and win me over with his charms.
I liked Josh and he was attractive; Blake’s Clark Kent nickname wasn’t far off. The longer strands of his dark hair fell into his eyes from time to time. His dark glasses concealed his eyes, but when he removed them, I could see the crystal blue color. If I hadn’t slammed the mental walls down on the possibility of dating, I’d probably be thrilled to have a guy like him interested in me.
Hastily, he finalized plans, arranging for us to have dinner Friday night. He was going to ask Finn to borrow his car to take me off campus. Despite my qualms over the non-date, a meal not coming from takeout containers or the cafeteria did sound appealing. He rushed off with promises to call me with the details, his hurried exit indicating his fear I’d change my mind.
Falling for Autumn Page 3