“Autumn?” Lexi whispered and turned on the light. She’d been asleep when I returned from Blake’s and I silently crept into the room to avoid having the awkward conversation about my date with Josh.
“Sorry, bad dream,” I muttered, peeking my head out from under the blanket. I looked at the clock, noting it was after seven, and decided I might as well stay awake. I’d returned after one in the morning but could fit in a nap later if I needed the extra sleep. With my heart pounding and my head spinning, sleep would be fleeting.
“How was your night? I passed out at midnight and you weren’t home yet,” Lexi said cheerfully. I assumed Josh hadn’t been in touch with her by the hopeful tone of her voice.
“It was fun,” I answered honestly. Once the awkwardness between Blake and me disappeared, I had a good time with him and Darien. Darien continued to flirt and at times it seemed to annoy Blake. But Blake never protested. He was sending out a clear signal: we were friends and nothing more.
“Really? Where did he take you to dinner?”
“The date with Josh was fine, we went to Piazza’s and then coffee, but we ended the night early.” I sat up in bed. “I ran into Blake and hung out at his apartment with him and his roommate.”
“If you went to Blake’s place that doesn’t sound like Josh is going to get a second date.”
I aimed to keep my voice neutral. “Did you tell Josh about my panic attacks? He brought it up and I wasn’t prepared for it. I ran inside our room and shut the door in his face.”
“No, of course I didn’t tell him,” Lexi breathed out. “Oh no, I’m going to kill Finn. I mentioned last semester I was worried about you and he must’ve said something to Josh. I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay.” It was fine because I had to give Lexi credit. She could’ve put in a room change request the week after I moved in and had my first panic attack. If her worst transgression was telling her boyfriend her roommate was one small step away from psychiatric commitment status, I could hardly blame her.
“I’m sorry I pushed Josh on you too. I knew you didn’t see him that way, but he’s a good guy and I thought maybe he could help you get out there and start dating again.” Lexi wrung out her hands. “I think I was being selfish and imagining how much fun it would be if you were dating Finn’s best friend.”
“I like Josh, but I can’t see him as more than a friend. Even if we tried to casually date, I don’t think it would be fair to either of us.”
“But you like Blake as more than a friend.”
My physical attraction to Blake started as soon as we met, but an unrequited crush was something I could handle. When he drove me back to campus the night before, I recognized how my feelings had changed. Kissing Blake had been an unreachable fantasy, but while we were alone in the quiet intimacy of his car, I wanted the real thing. “I do, but nothing is going to happen.”
“Why not?”
“I have my…stuff and Blake has his own.” I didn’t want to tell Lexi about Blake’s father. It seemed like something he didn’t advertise and I didn’t want to blab something he told me in confidence. I wasn’t sure if Blake was keeping me at a distance because of his father or some other reason. He was stingy about sharing too many personal details about his life so I was left playing a never-ending guessing game.
“Well, I’m done pushing you. I’m not going to be labeled a horrible friend because I’m coercing you to date when you have no desire to,” Lexi said resolutely before lying back down in her bed.
Smiling softly, I wondered how long her promise would last. She was deliriously happy with Finn and I found people in love liked to set their friends up to share in the bliss. I was happy for her and it was uplifting to see a healthy relationship. I’d been in the most toxic relationship possible and I was grateful to Hunter for one single thing only—breaking up with me. If he had stood by me, then I would’ve ended up putting up with his cruelty for who knows how long before I finally wised up.
***
On Tuesday, Josh finally called. I considered calling him first, but I was embarrassed over our date and wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t know if I needed to apologize or if it would be better to pretend none of the awkwardness happened.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Autumn. I’m glad I caught you, I thought maybe you went out with Lexi and Finn.”
An hour earlier, Lexi and Finn left for an off-campus party. Blake mentioned during class he would be there as well, but I decided to pass. I liked the quiet in the dorms on Tuesdays and found it the best time to catch up on my class work for the week. Most of the students didn’t have early classes on Wednesday, which had turned Tuesday nights into a major campus party night. Dorm parties were rare because of security roaming the halls after hours, so most of the gatherings took place off campus.
“No, staying in tonight. What about you?”
“I’m getting over a stomach bug that started yesterday. I was finally able to get out of bed today, but I’m still feeling like crap.”
“That’s too bad. Hope you feel better,” I chirped. I chewed on my thumb as I was greeted by awkward silence. Finally, I started, “Listen, Josh—”
“Autumn, I’m sorry—” he broke in.
“You don’t need to apologize. I had a great time at dinner and I know you were trying to help by bringing up the panic attacks. Maybe I do need to talk to someone on a regular basis about them.”
“I don’t think less of you and I don’t want you to think we were badmouthing you behind your back. Lexi had said something to Finn and we were trying to figure out how to help you.”
“I understand. You’re a good friend, Josh, and I don’t want to mess it up,” I said gently.
“I get it. I wish it wasn’t the case, but you made it clear you weren’t looking for a boyfriend. But I hope I didn’t make things weird between us.”
“No, we’re totally fine. We should get together for lunch later in the week and test things out. I bet there won’t be a trace of weirdness.”
Josh sounded relieved and we made plans to get together on Friday for lunch. It would be easy to shy away, but I had only a handful of friends. I didn’t want to lose Josh because our attempts at a romance fizzled out.
Later, I stared up at the ceiling while trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep. Lexi texted me before midnight to let me know she was sleeping up in Finn’s room. She never invited Finn to our room, although I told her I wouldn’t mind. I was a little uncomfortable with the idea of Finn witnessing one of my panic attacks, but the offer was my attempt at being a good roommate. There was no handbook on how to appease a normal roommate who had to deal with my emotional breakdowns.
It felt like my eyes were barely closed when I awoke to the sound of persistent knocking. I lifted up onto my elbows and groaned at the clock when I saw it was after three in the morning. I thought I heard once people went crazy from lack of sleep. If that was true, I was halfway there. I clambered over to the door and looked through the keyhole. Blake was shuffling side to side with his hands in his pockets. Before I could process him at my door, he lifted his right hand and knocked again.
“Autumn,” he called through the doorway.
“What the hell?” I whispered before swinging open the door.
“Hey, you are awake,” Blake said brightly. He looked me up and down and smiled as his eyes raked over my zebra-printed pajama pants and black tank top.
“No, I wasn’t awake. What are you doing here?” I demanded and looked him over as well. He was wearing a black sweater and a pair of dark jeans that hung low on his hips. With his bleary gaze and goofy expression, I guessed he had way too much to drink at the party.
“You don’t sound glad to see me. I bet most girls on your floor would be thrilled to find me knocking at their doors.” He raised his voice and yelled, “Hey, can I crash in someone’s room? It’s Blake Preston, you may have heard of me.”
The deserted hallway amplified his voice and I fought the desire t
o throttle him. A minute later, Casey stuck her head outside of her door down the hall. She was dressed in a long T-shirt and cute high-cut shorts that accentuated her toned legs. “You can come in my room.” She fluttered her eyelashes and grinned at Blake.
“See, I told you.” Blake smiled back in Casey’s direction.
I rolled my eyes while grabbing him by the arms. As I pulled him inside, I ground out, “You’re going to get me in trouble with the RA.” I closed the door behind him and whirled around. “How did you get in the dorm anyway? You need a key card after two because the outside doors lock.”
He waved me off. “You underestimate me. I have a face people love to trust. It wasn’t hard to convince someone to let me inside.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Why are you breaking into my dorm? And how did you get on campus? Please tell me you didn’t drive drunk.”
“Are you always so negative? I thought after Saturday, we bonded and you’d be happy to see me.”
“Not at three in the morning when I’m trying to sleep.”
He walked further into the room and scanned it with a shrewd expression. His eyes rested on my bed for long enough I assumed he’d guessed my side of the room. He spared a glance at Lexi’s bed. “Where’s your roommate?”
“She stays with her boyfriend sometimes.” Before walking over to him, I turned the overhead light on. The quiet dim of my desk lamp made the room feel too intimate. Blake had become a friend, but I wasn’t comfortable with him in my space. “You didn’t answer my question, did you drive here?”
“No, I caught a ride back to campus with a friend. And before you ask, no, he wasn’t drinking. Is this your bed?” After I nodded, he sank into the mattress with his feet planted on the floor in front of him. “It’s pretty grim on your side of the room, Autumn. Where are all of your pictures? Compared to your roommate’s side, I feel like I’m in a prison cell.”
I smacked his shoulder. “I didn’t know you were into interior decorating. Maybe I should pay you by the hour to spruce up my dorm room.”
“You’re on. I’ll hang up pictures of me and draw hearts around my face,” he teased.
“Maybe put your pictures on a dartboard instead,” I retorted. “Blake, seriously, what are you doing here?”
“I don’t know, honestly. I was hoping you’d come out and when you weren’t there, I figured I’d stop by here and see what you were up to. I had fun the other night.”
He fell back onto my bed and I watched the mattress bounce with his weight. The sight of Blake in my bed was almost comical. He was huge and his limbs hung awkwardly over the side. Instead of feeling panic at the idea of a boy in my bed, I was starting to wonder what it would feel like to crawl next to him. I gave my head a powerful shake to clear out the distracting thoughts.
“How did you plan to get home? Is your friend driving you back?”
He sat up and gave me an impish smile. “I didn’t catch his number, so I’m not sure that’s an option. Darien left the party a couple of hours ago, so I could call him to get me. Unless you decide to take pity on me and let me sleep here.”
“Here?” I squeaked. “With me?”
“Not sleeping together,” he chuckled. “Just sleeping at the same time. I could just take your bed while you sleep in your roommate’s bed.”
“Or you could take the floor,” I huffed.
“Or we could share your bed,” he countered. At my expression, he fell back onto the bed and laughed again. I couldn’t decide if I should pummel him while he was drunk or wait until he sobered up. “Floor it is,” he groaned.
I chewed my lip as I watched him bring his body upright. I tried to gauge how terrible it would be for Blake to sleep in my room. Did I feel safe enough with him? Despite him being an over-muscled giant of a man, he treated me gently. What if I had a panic attack while he was here? It was far from ideal, but it was a small worry compared to risking his safety. I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt if I kicked him out and something bad happened to him.
Going over to my closet, I pulled out extra bedding I had stored. “Here’s a pillow and a blanket,” I said and laid them on top of his lap.
He took hold of my hand and held onto my forearm as he rose off of the bed. “Thanks. I’m glad we’re friends.”
Blake was consistently putting the friend label on us. I didn’t know if the constant reminder was for his benefit or mine. Maybe he picked up on my growing feelings and wanted to let me down gently, the same way I had with Josh earlier. If he was worried I’d act on my feelings, I could have told him the chances were very slim.
“Yeah, same here. Now go to bed, so I can get back to sleep.”
Blake released my arm and settled on the throw rug with his blankets and pillows. It didn’t look very comfortable, but no one invited him to crash in my room. I’m not sure what drunken thought brought him to me, but I had too many conflicting feelings over letting him into my bed with or without me in it. After turning off the lights, I crawled under my warm blankets.
Too wired to sleep, I instead concentrated on the sounds of Blake shifting positions on the floor. The room felt overly warm and I understood the temperature change had everything to do with the thought of a gorgeous guy I liked sprawled out inches away from where I slept.
I wondered what it would be like if things became sexual between the two of us. I had pictured sex with Hunter when we were dating, but I was also sixteen at the time. We had fooled around, but he was my first boyfriend and I had no other experience to compare to. Blake’s partner number could be anywhere from one to one hundred for all I knew. It was safe to assume he was more experienced than my loser high school boyfriend and could make my first time incredible. Hunter’s idea for ridding me of my virginity involved a six-pack and the backseat of his friend’s car.
Blake seemed like the type of guy to take his time. I closed my eyes and saw him teasing me with his tongue while his fingers slowly traveled the length of my body. His kisses would deepen and I would want nothing more than to share my body with him. Instead of waiting for him to peel off my panties, I would do it for him. He would be eager to enter me, but instead of rushing things, he’d prolong every pleasurable sensation. Fingering me, sucking my nipples, kissing my navel, until our bodies came together.
Oh god, I thought, I’m having dirty thoughts not about just anyone, but about the guy sleeping in my room. Fantasizing about sex was a normal thing for most people, but in my case, it was unheard of. There were moments when I imagined ice forming around my nether regions and no man able to melt it. But a late-night visit from Blake left me panting and my panties wet.
I tried to think of inane things to banish my lust. I cringed over the idea Blake would be able to guess where my head had just been. I hoped I wasn’t sending out sex pheromones, advertising that being friends was the furthest thing from my mind.
I started at the sound of his voice. “Autumn, are you still awake?”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“I never thought when I saw you at the party, I’d end up here. But I want you to know before you end up hating me that I do like you and you didn’t deserve what those assholes did to you in school.”
My throat constricted. “It was just high school bullies; it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It does and I wish I could go back in time and kick all of their asses for you.”
“Thanks.” I paused and mulled over his words before asking, “Why will I end up hating you?”
“Because one day you’re going to see what kind of man I really am and hate me for it.”
“No one’s perfect, Blake. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. What could be so bad I’d hate you for it?”
The silence was heady as I waited for his reply. His pronouncement felt like an extension of the insistence of our friendship—he was warning me away from him. But if he was so scared of me falling for him, why did he force himself into my life?
“Because I have so much rage
and it’s ripping apart everything good I have inside of me. I’m fucking toxic, Autumn, and you deserve better than to be mistreated by another dick.”
“Blake, you’re not like those guys in school—”
He didn’t let me finish. “You only know the parts of me I let you see. I’ve done shit, fucked-up shit that’s probably unforgivable.”
I was rendered speechless because as strong as my feelings were for Blake, I wouldn’t be blind to a person’s faults. I made that mistake before and I didn’t want to do it again. Blake had never hinted at a darker side of himself, but I’d come to know men who fooled the masses with their easy smiles, concealing their black hearts.
I rolled over on my side to face away from Blake and called out, “I’m tired, Blake. Goodnight.”
Maybe I was a fool to turn my back on him after his warnings, but the bad guys didn’t warn you first. No, the truly wicked ones lured you in with kindness and then blindsided you with their mercilessness.
Chapter Eight
It was the second week of my senior year and I was hiding out in the stairwell. I had taken for granted how good it felt to be surrounded by friends, not being on the outside looking in. Maybe I could’ve dealt with the no friends issue, but the hateful whispers and glances as I walked the hallways were more than I could bear. There were also the unseen hands, the quick pinches and grazes that happened while I tried to hold my head up high in the hallway. I never found the culprits, but the touches were unsubtle messages—the boys would do what they wanted to me and I was powerless against them. The summer had been hell, but going back to school was its own unique brand of torture.
It was my lunch hour and the time of day I dreaded the most. Walking into the cafeteria on the first day thinking everything would be fine was a mistake. The hatred for me was far reaching. The pretties, the girls I had considered my best friends, had thrown the first stone and everyone else had fallen in line like the good sheep they were. Hunter’s rejection had only reinforced what my friends were saying. Autumn was a slut and a liar.
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