“And your sudden interest didn’t happen to come from seeing me talk to another guy?”
“No, although it did suck. Especially since I know Will and he’s a good guy. Makes it hard to think about punching him in the face.” His expression turned earnest. “I was scared, Autumn, and I wanted to do the right thing. I’ve been miserable these past couple of weeks. So much that Darien has nicknamed me SSS—sad sack of shit. But when I saw you here tonight, the only thought running through my head was I may be a disaster, but the real tragedy would be if I never gave us a chance at working out.”
I kissed him and infused my kiss with every shared sentiment I felt. I wanted him like no other and I was grateful for the chance to rediscover dormant feelings. Because feeling nothing was a fate no one should be tortured with. Kissing Blake was adding Technicolor to my black-and-white existence. I had friends and school, but love was never a possibility. My heart wasn’t ready for love yet; it had too many locks guarding it. But the feelings Blake was bringing to the surface made me wonder if he would be the one to uncage my heart for good.
Chapter Thirteen
“Want to hit the library to study today?” Lexi asked as she gathered up her books into her backpack.
I paused as I brushed my teeth. “Maybe later. I’m meeting Blake in an hour to run the track.”
“Brr. I know spring break is next week, but it feels like Mother Nature has forgotten to catch up.” Lexi started searching under her bed for her shoes. She frowned when she pulled out a mismatched pair and began searching again. “So how is Mr. Preston treating my lovely roommate?”
“Good,” I said and smoothed my hair into a ponytail. “Almost too good.”
“What do you mean? I thought things were great since the party.”
“They were.” I shook my head. “They are. We have so much fun together and he’s been really focused on getting back in shape and eating healthy again. And thankfully the drinking episodes seem to be behind him.”
“Then why do you not sound happy?”
“I just thought he’d be more interested in the…” I paused, grasping for the right word. “…physical part of our relationship.”
“Like sex?”
“I’m not saying I want to have sex, I mean I haven’t even told him I’m a virgin yet. But he’s very…restrained when we’re alone together.”
“How so?”
“We’ve been alone together a few nights this week and the furthest we’ve gone is he accidentally grazed my boob with his arm. I guess I expected…”
“That Blake’s super-stud reputation would have you butt naked in ten seconds flat?” Lexi prompted.
“Not exactly, but I’m not opposed to exploring things more with him. I’m just wondering what’s holding him back. I don’t want to look for problems that aren’t there…”
“Which you probably are. Don’t self-sabotage. I might’ve had doubts about Blake, but he’s good for you.” Lexi slipped on a pair of boots and stood up. “Look, you told him about how the guys at your high school were assholes and harassed you. And he knows you haven’t dated since coming to college. I’m positive Blake is driven mad with desire every time he looks at you, but he’s trying to be considerate.”
“I’m not trying to self-sabotage. Blake is starting to mean so much to me, I don’t want to be blindsided if it doesn’t work out.” I put on a pair of gloves and added, “My ex Hunter seemed like such a good guy at first. But he was anything but.”
“Blake’s not like Hunter and if he was you wouldn’t be complaining about his lack of grabby hands. Relationships progress differently and for you I think it would be smart to take it slow.”
Lexi made sense, but it was hard to explain what it was like for me. After years of being sexually repressed, I wanted to explore my desires. It wasn’t that I required a partner to satisfy my needs, but I had a feeling it would be a lot more enjoyable if Blake were the one with his hands on me.
“I’m so freaking neurotic about this boy. What is it about him that’s making me so crazy?”
“Believe me, I felt the same way about Finn when we first met. He was all I thought about and I’m grateful I got my head together enough to not get academically dismissed our first semester. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I should’ve known the way I felt was a sure sign I’d fall in love.”
Lexi thought she bored me when she spoke about her relationship with Finn, but I loved it. She was a true romantic and Finn complemented her perfectly. They had been together six months and were probably madly in love since the moment he accidentally knocked into her at orientation.
It was funny how my perception of love had changed. I would’ve sworn up and down I was in love with Hunter when we were dating. But I think it was simply an infatuation diminishing as I got to know more about him. I could also look back and realize I was sixteen years old with raging hormones. What did I know about love back then?
***
As I ran behind Blake on the campus track, I decided nothing had changed. Raging hormones were ruling my emotions again—because Blake was stunning and I couldn’t stop admiring his body. He ran with confidence and every move he made was carefully crafted. He had complete control over his body and knew exactly how far too push it. There was an elegance in the way he exercised and I never saw him look so at ease.
His body was almost ridiculous in its perfection. He was tall and lean with every muscle perfectly sculpted. He didn’t have the bulk of a lineman, but the way he was carved demonstrated his obvious strength.
The track looped around the football field with two sets of spectator stands on each side of the stadium. The brick athletic building backed up to the field and included an equipment room, gym, offices, and a swimming pool.
I stopped after a lap around the track, trying to catch my breath. Blake noticed I wasn’t following and jogged back to where I stood. My panting sounded more pronounced next to his regulated breathing.
“Are you done?”
“I think so,” I managed. “How far was it? A couple miles?”
Blake’s lips twisted. “A quarter mile.”
“What? No, I can’t be that out of shape.”
“Hmm…you won’t be hearing me complain about your shape. Especially with that outfit you have on.” He moved in closer. “I was expecting you to show up wearing baggy sweats and a sweatshirt and you come here looking like a sexy cat burglar.”
I laughed and looked down at my clothing. I was wearing black compression workout pants with a matching black top. I had ordered the outfit from Under Armour back when Blake mentioned we should start working out together. “You got me. That was definitely the look I was trying for.”
“It’s gonna be hard to get my heart rate back down.” His eyes swept over me and I preened at his unwavering gaze. The fabric was like a second skin and there was no hiding the curve of my breasts and belly as his eyes dipped lower. I watched his throat bob before he shook his head as if to clear his wayward thoughts. He kissed my cheek. “Do you mind if I do another couple of laps?”
I nodded and he took off running down the track. I was unsurprised by his sudden departure. It had become the status quo for Blake to splash cold water on the two of us as soon as anything became heated. I wasn’t averse to taking it slow, but it made me confused over how Blake felt. I needed a sign from him, some action telling me he shared my feelings.
I couldn’t think straight when Blake kissed me and I marveled at his self-control. When we kissed, I disappeared inside of a bubble where it was just him and me and nothing on the outside could touch us. I felt a million things when he kissed me and I wanted more and more. I wanted so much and maybe too much and I didn’t know how to let him know it without coming on too strong.
I was all need and desire and although Blake cared about me, there was still an aloofness about him. A coldness, which made him keep me at arm’s length. It felt like an extension of Blake’s warnings and although we kissed, I wondered if he w
as still trying to protect me—still afraid of the disaster that would happen if we were together.
But it had been a week and as far as I could tell there was no axis switch. Blake hadn’t transformed into an unfeeling monster who seemed intent on using me and disposing of me. We had the same friendship as before with the added benefit of kissing. What was he afraid of? I was fragile, but he didn’t know the extent. Was I sending out some unknown signal saying please don’t touch me, I will break? Because it wasn’t how I felt.
With Blake, I wanted to be pressed against the length of him and have his lips set my skin aflame. Maybe my expectations were too high. I had gotten into my head Blake would replace all the bad stuff inside of me and help me create new memories. I wanted memories where being desired didn’t end up with my dignity ripped to shreds.
Blake did a handful of laps before loping over and sitting on the bench next to me. The track was mostly deserted with a trio of runners having left several minutes after we arrived. After spring break, the track would likely be swarming with athletes as the spring sports season kicked off.
“So, I have a surprise for you,” he said and tapped his leg into mine.
“What’s that?”
“I have a buddy in the equipment department…” Blake paused as I pulled a face. “What?”
“How many buddies can you possibly have? You have friends everywhere in this school.”
“Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll let you sit at the cool kids’ table at lunchtime.”
I huffed at his smug grin. “Whatever. You were saying…”
“Anyway, he dragged out one of the sleds for us to use on the field.”
I blinked in surprise. “But aren’t they huge?”
“The sleds with more than one man are hard to cart out into the field, but he left me the single man sled.” He stood up and held out a hand to me. “Come on, let’s see what you’ve got.”
I hadn’t noticed it before when we were running, but there was a sled set next to the field post. What I had pictured in my head was the five-person version, which all the players lifted together. Instead, this sled had a single red pad in the shape of a jersey attached to a metal pole centered on a large base.
I poked a finger at his chest. “This looks too easy. I wanted to tackle one of the huge contraptions.”
“You’ll be sore tomorrow, I promise.”
“Okay, how does it work?”
“Start off by crouching down…”
I bent down in a football stance and pushed my ponytail out of my face to look up at him. “All right, I’m ready.”
Blake tried to stealthily check out the view of my ass in the air and I temporarily put away the worry he was going to shove me back in the friend zone. There was something holding him back from giving himself to me completely but by the look of desire on his face, it was not a lack of attraction.
He caught me watching him and winked. I smiled in return and said, “Are you going to stare at my ass all day or teach me how to tackle this thing?”
“If that’s a real option…” I giggled and he added, “But I’ll show you what to do so you can fulfill your lifelong dream.”
“I said it looked fun. I didn’t say it was a lifelong dream.”
Blake ignored me. “What you have to do is drive at the sled like it’s a real opponent. You want to use the power in your legs to jump out of the stance and hit it as hard as you can…”
I didn’t wait for him to finish and instead launched my body at the red pad. I slammed it with the palms of my hands and didn’t expect the pad to move on contact. I stumbled forward and would have fallen flat on my face if Blake’s arm didn’t shoot out in front of me. “Slow down there, champ.” He walked behind me and settled his hands on my hips. “You’re going to wait for my call and then keep your hips low before exploding upwards to hit the pad and execute the block. You’re not stopping once you touch the pad, you’re driving through it.”
I turned around and mock saluted him. “Got it, coach.”
“Next time I’ll bring my whistle.”
I smiled ruefully and dropped back into position. It was definitely a turn-on to be in such a compromising position with Blake inches away from me. My hope was I’d also have the pleasure of watching him perform drills up close and personal.
“And go!”
I shot out and hit the dummy, but the force drove me back again. I let out a groan of frustration. Blake was right; I was going to be hurting tomorrow. “Ugh, this isn’t fun at all.”
“You just started. You need to tap into your aggression and use it to help you hit it harder.”
“By now, you should know enough about me to see I’m not a very aggressive person.”
“I disagree with that statement on the grounds you’ve called me an arrogant fuck before.”
I scoffed. “You’re paraphrasing and I believe I was smiling when I said it.”
“Remember how I told you I get pissed off sometimes?” I nodded, urging him to continue. “Well, this kind of stuff helps me get it out. Instead of getting into fights, I started hitting things that were okay to hit.”
I took a second to contemplate Blake’s words. I wondered if he had a point about having an outlet, because the way I’d been handling my emotions had failed. I had run away, cocooning myself alone with the pain. I never got pissed over what had happened to me. I looked back and thought about what crappy friends I had, but I never embraced the fury. And I wasn’t pissed my friends had failed me. They were obviously disloyal to begin with. The real thing that got me was the violation of trust. Because I had believed in Mr. Bridges—believed in his general goodness and trusted him implicitly. It was hard being the target of so much hate, being labeled as a Lolita, but the thing that made me angry was my misplaced faith in a man whose solitary goal was to ruin me. Two years was not nearly enough of an appropriate punishment.
I got back down and at Blake’s call I lunged forward, imagining Mr. Bridges’ face on the post. I exploded against the pad and tapped into my core strength to shove it roughly away from my body. I embraced the anger instead of locking it away in my vault. Because I was tired of being disenchanted, floating through life without the capacity to form any real connections because of my emotional paralysis. My anxiety stemmed from not only the echoes of my past, but the constant pressure to never let anyone see how I truly felt.
When I finished, Blake hugged me and I paid close attention to how his muscle flexed under his shirt as his grip tightened. I was bleary-eyed as I burrowed into his body. He didn’t notice my response and kept his tone playful. “You’re a natural. Maybe instead of being a cheerleader, you should’ve been playing football.”
Tension coiled in my chest and I moved out of his hold. The fire burning between us was instantly extinguished. Gawking at him, I folded my arms over my chest. “How do you know I was a cheerleader?”
He barked out a short laugh, his face showing his confusion over the switch in my mood. “You told me.”
I shook my head. “I never mentioned cheering to you.” I studied him and asked, “What was the name of your high school again?”
“Clark,” he answered. “Why?”
My shoulders lowered, the crushing weight on my chest lightening. “We never played your school in football, right?”
He was puzzled and I could see his mind working overtime trying to see where my line of questioning was going. “No.”
Clark was about forty minutes away from Newpine and although I had heard of the town, our schools resided in different counties. Blake’s mention of cheerleading made me wonder if he had played games at our school when I cheered. He was two years older than me and would have been on the football team through my sophomore year. But I knew the districts we played and Clark was never one of them.
Blake knowing I was a cheerleader made me feel paranoid, especially since I had come to Cook to regain my anonymity. I believed it was achievable since most media outlets outside of Newpine kep
t my name out of print. The narrowed-minded citizens of Newpine had no such qualms about sullying the reputation of a seventeen-year-old girl.
“Why do you look so worried? If you didn’t mention it, maybe I assumed it when you were talking about how you were into homecoming during high school.” His expression was tense and I chided myself for the overreaction. It shouldn’t matter he knew about my cheerleading, but for some reason it bothered me. It made me suspicious of him and his motives. I wanted to trust him, but it had become so damn hard for me to believe in anyone.
“It’s fine. I guess I was wondering if we could’ve met before.”
He gave me a playful pout. “And you think you would forget this face?”
“Okay, maybe not.”
I decided not to dwell on it because I was raising too many red flags by getting freaked out over a meaningless assumption. I laughed it off, hoping the hollowness could only be heard by me.
Although it was liberating to hit the sled, I had no desire to return to it. “Is there a football around? Want to play catch?”
He brightened. “Hell yeah.”
Blake disappeared for a few minutes to a storage area for the sports equipment and came back with a pair of footballs. The disquieting sensation was still there, but I decided to not read into things. His explanation made perfect sense and I wanted to accept his answer. But being paranoid was better than being ignorant.
As he lumbered back toward me, I silenced my misgivings. He positioned me down the field and jogged a few yards away and faced me. When my first throw landed dead center between our positions, he moved in closer. With each throw, I tried to make him work harder for the catch. I purposely sent the ball high and then low. I never launched it straight, trying to make him dive left or right to get it. Blake was a good sport and attempted to make every catch.
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