Lexi and Casey exchanged a knowing look. I put down my beer bottle on my desk and squinted at them. “Does Blake have a girlfriend? Do you know something you haven’t told me?”
Lexi stared down at her lap. “Blake called me a couple of times over the summer. He was trying to keep his distance, but he wanted to make sure you were okay. I told him he shouldn’t call you and if you wanted to talk to him, you’d be in touch.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You were trying to heal and I thought it would be a setback hearing he was asking about you. You were in the middle of therapy, trying to work things out, and if Blake wasn’t going to be part of your future, I didn’t want to even bring up his name.” Lexi looked over my head and her eyes rested on the wall behind me. “He sounded like shit and kept trying to tell me how sorry he was. He seemed sincere, but if he’s untrustworthy…” Lexi trailed off.
Blake’s deception was a complicated thing. Because like Lexi with Finn, I thought I found Blake’s tell. I remembered seeing the overly bright eyes and the look of morbid curiosity as he tried to find out more about me. In hindsight, it was his determination to wade through the rumors and accusations to discover who I really was. After the night playing video games at his apartment, his eyes softened and his expression was filled with warring emotions: want and need. He wanted me, but his conscience told him he needed to keep his distance.
“When was the last time he called?”
“A couple of weeks ago. He seemed as nervous as you were about how things would be once school started up again. By the way he was talking, you were the only one on his mind, so it seems doubtful he’s dating,” Lexi said.
I asked Casey, “What do you think?”
“Will goes to all the football practices and is friends with a lot of the players. He hasn’t heard any rumors about Blake dating anyone else,” Casey said. “But if you’d rather have us do some Blake bashing, I hear he’s been sucking so far. Maybe the situation with you messed with his head enough he’ll ruin his football career.”
Blake had told me of his mixed feelings about football and knowing Mr. Bridges had been his mentor helped me understand his conflict better. I hoped he was able to find joy in the game again and if he wanted to play professionally that it would happen.
“I feel like I’m at the point where I can trust my instincts. And my gut is telling me Blake may have some flaws, but deep down, he’s a good guy. I worked over every angle and I’ve come to the conclusion he made a mistake. When he saw me at the party, he should’ve turned around and never said a word to me. But in a way, how can I hate him for that? Because if I never got to know him, I may have stayed closed off forever.”
“Well, whatever you decide to do or not do with Blake Preston, you’re still going to blow him away when he sees you at the game,” Casey said, defiantly lifting her chin. “Because let me tell you nothing is worse than seeing an ex for the first time without wearing a push-up bra and your Spanx.”
Lexi rolled her eyes as I giggled at Casey’s brashness. It was going to be an interesting dynamic as we roomed together for the year. I had two days of classes before the football game on Saturday. Two days to either chicken out about going and two days to possibly run into Blake around campus. We had been dating when our fall classes were selected so I knew we weren’t in any courses together. But the campus wasn’t huge and there was a chance I could see him at the dining halls or in the student center. I wondered if it was better to see him before the game. But going to the game was the grand gesture I had come up with—a way to show him I didn’t feel he was like every other jock who mistreated me.
I had said some things to hurt him when I found out the truth. It had taken me awhile to see Blake and his sister were additional casualties of his stepfather’s actions. He had loved his stepfather since he was a young child and it was another father ripped away from him prematurely. Blake was forced into the role as the provider for his broken family, a huge responsibility he never asked for. Although his mother didn’t deserve his loyalty, he had given it anyway and done everything he could to take care of her and his younger sister when they were left without his stepfather’s income.
Honestly, I had never thought about Thomas Bridges’ children. They were faceless and nameless and I only concentrated on my pain and how I was going to survive. But my mother had made me think about how it must’ve felt for Blake. How terrible it must have felt to say the words Thomas Bridges is my father. I thought my pain was mine alone, but I wasn’t the only person who had been suffering ever since that night.
***
My backside felt awkward against the cold steel of the bleachers. I tried to relax, but my spine stayed erect as I scooted over to make room for Casey and Lexi. It was nerve-wracking to be back inside the stadium. The last time I had been here was months ago during my impromptu training session with Blake.
My first concern was how it would feel to be at a football game once again. Would it bring back memories of Thomas Bridges running along the sidelines and coaching the players? My eyes darted over to the cheerleaders and I waited for the pang I used to feel when I realized I’d never be part of that world again.
It was progress when I discovered I was letting go of the past. I was so far removed from high school, I no longer experienced wistfulness over my losses. I wasn’t sure if it was therapy or time providing me with perspective, but I was done looking behind me. The only thing causing my heart to pound furiously was the idea I’d be seeing Blake in less than ten minutes.
The players ran out of the brick athletic building and stormed onto the field in a massive line of bodies. I couldn’t make out one man from the other and scanned the numbers on their blue and gold uniforms. I felt a jolt when I finally found number seventeen and saw him run into the huddle with his teammates. My eyes were glued to him and I liked the idea of being able to watch him undetected for as long as I desired.
“Sweet baby Jesus, I’m going to start fanning my vagina in a hot minute. Do you think if you make up with Blake, he can sneak us into the locker room after the game?” Casey mock whispered while she leaned over Lexi.
Lexi elbowed her in the ribs and she moved back to her seat. I didn’t have an exact plan in mind on how to approach Blake. Lexi suggested we go to the party at the Football House following the game. Will had been invited and he in turn invited the three of us. I wanted to work things out with Blake face to face, but I was thinking it would be better to call him and arrange to talk somewhere in private.
I ran my hands over my black Capri pants, trying to get rid of the dampness gathering on my palms. Casey had suggested a short skirt paired with kitten heels, but I doubted it would be attractive if I broke my neck from a fall when climbing the bleachers. The Capri pants were tailored nicely and comfortable enough for the hours of sitting in the stands watching the game. My shoulders and mid-back were exposed by the black tunic I selected. Casey had an amazing jewelry collection and loaned me some fun chunky bracelets and a dangling gold necklace. She complained about my fondness for black clothing and although she said I looked good, the jewelry would stop people from thinking I was on my way to a funeral.
The game started and I leaned forward in anticipation. We were playing Rutgers University and the rumor was they were a tough team this year. Rutgers took possession first, giving me more time to watch Blake stand on the sidelines. He was turned toward the field with his back facing the stands reserved for Cook’s fans. I wondered if it would be better to sneak over to the opposing team’s side to get a good look at the face I missed all summer long.
And I was at the point where I felt okay about missing him. When I’d been alone in bed all summer long and longed to have him next to me, my desire would be quickly squelched by the guilt. I had never given myself permission to miss Blake because it felt like I was betraying my seventeen-year-old self. But I wasn’t the same Autumn and I didn’t believe he was the same Blake I met in January.
Our
defense had kept Rutgers from scoring and it was time for Cook’s offensive line to get on the field. My gut twisted up in knots as Blake shoved on his helmet and jogged onto the field. I was nervous for him and hated the idea he had a rough start to the season. I understood he had mixed feelings about football, but I thought if the pressure from his mother went away, he’d find the passion for the game again. Cassie wanted Blake to be her Win for Life lottery ticket and it wasn’t fair to him.
Blake played okay during the first half, but I could see his head wasn’t in it. When I watched videos of his games from the year before, his plays were full of poise and skill. He made a few decent catches and gained yards for the team, but his performance lacked heart. I wasn’t going to assume the way he played had anything to do with me, but it made me curious over what his life was like since we last spoke. I wondered how complicated things were for him after his mom and sister found out about us. Thomas was out of prison and I assumed he was welcomed back into the family. Did Blake decide that since we were over he’d try to rebuild a relationship with him?
The thought left me cold. My eyes darted around the crowded stadium and paranoia set in. I’d been overly focused on seeing Blake, not considering the complications that came with coming to his game. Cassie and Delia were probably in the crowd somewhere. Worse yet, Thomas was a free man and could be at the game. He could be watching me at that very moment and I’d have no idea.
Unwanted flashes flickered in my mind and I recalled the hunger in his eyes as he pinned me down. Did he hate I’d gotten away? What if he saw me and a renewed determination took hold to finish what he started?
I jumped up from my seat and almost knocked over my soda set at my feet. I turned to Lexi and Casey. “I can’t be here. This was a terrible idea. I’m going to head back to the dorms.” I grabbed my purse and gave them both an apologetic look. “I’m sorry and I’ll explain later.”
Lexi nodded and began to gather her belongings. I put my hand on her shoulder. “You guys should stay. I’ll be fine.”
“Do you still want to go to the party?” Casey asked.
It was late afternoon, the party hours away. It would give me time to think it over. Maybe I’d text Blake and see if he wanted to get together to talk. As much as I wanted to stay and watch Blake play, it wasn’t safe to be at the stadium. Thanks to my therapist, I now knew the difference between running away as a coping mechanism and running away because it was the smart thing to do.
“I’ll call you to let you know.”
“Autumn, we can leave too…” Lexi started.
I grimaced. “I’m sorry for taking off like this, but tell me how the rest of the game goes. I just need some time to think.”
Lexi and Casey shot each other concerned looks, but each gave me reluctant nods. I tried to smile reassuringly, but I was sure I looked unstable. My only thought was I needed to go and I had to go now. I pushed through the crowds as everyone began to descend on the concession stands during halftime.
I had a strong sense of self-preservation, and being anywhere Thomas could be was foolish. I had been naïve at one time to think he was harmless and I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. If Thomas were back in Blake’s life, it would be a sign we were truly not meant to be. I wanted Blake, but I was also a realist. There was no chance for us if Blake needed to have both of us in his life.
The throng of people brought upon the old panicky feelings I had. But I breathed through it and used the calming techniques my therapist recommended. My heart slowed down and I was able to break free of the swarm of people without losing it. Circling the field, I headed toward the side exit. The college students who walked to the game from the dorms mostly used that entrance and exit. The main gate was next to the parking lot and used primarily by visitors to the campus.
A thundering sound exploded in front of me and I stilled, wondering if Pennsylvania ever had earthquakes. My grip on my purse and keys tightened as I looked up from the path and saw the football team heading in my direction. I jumped back several feet as the first of the players flew past me. Swinging my head back and forth, I realized the players were descending upon the locker room for halftime.
I moved farther back and positioned my body against the brick wall of the athletic department’s two-story building. My gaze was fixed straight ahead—a challenge when all I wanted to do was check if number seventeen would notice me. If he did see me, he could decide to keep running, maybe deciding we were better off apart. Besides, he was in the middle of his opening game; it was far from the ideal time to hash out our problems.
I told myself I would try to be aloof if I saw him, but that all crumbled as soon as I heard his voice. “Autumn?”
I was glad the wall was there to hold me up because otherwise I would have collapsed to the ground. I had such a visceral reaction to hearing his voice again. It reminded me of how hard I had fallen for him and how much I missed him every single day. When I actually turned and saw him standing less than three feet away from me, I knew how being struck by lightning must feel.
I stared at his feet until my eyes made their way up the length of his body. He looked incredible in his uniform and I could see the outline of his powerful legs through his pants. His arms were larger and more muscular since I’d last seen him and I could make out the definition because of the pronounced tension in his body. Finally, my gaze rested on his face and so many buried emotions rushed to the surface. There was a trickle of perspiration dripping down the side of his face and his light brown hair was matted across his forehead. His green eyes were wide as he stared back at me, his surprise further cemented by the way his mouth hung open.
A minute, or maybe ten minutes, passed as I lost track of time. I cleared my throat. “Hi.”
His laughter sounded strangled and he dropped his helmet onto the ground next to him. “Hi.”
“I want us to talk, but it’s probably not a good time.” I tilted my head in the direction of the double doors where the rest of his team had disappeared. “You probably have to get back with your team.”
He ignored my suggestion and took a deep breath. “How are you?”
It was a loaded question and my answer could last for hours. I contemplated blurting out every feeling he evoked—the good and the bad. Most of all, I wanted the courage to say I missed him desperately. “I’m fine. I had a nice summer with my mom at the beach.”
He nodded and I could see him filing away the information. He gazed meaningfully at the keys in my hand. “Are you leaving the game?”
“Yes. I wanted to come, but it got to be a little overwhelming when I thought your parents might be here too.”
He recoiled, the words a reminder of what had broken us apart. But I wouldn’t shy away from the truth and I expected the same from him. “They’re not here. Thomas will never be part of my life again.”
The steely resolve in his voice renewed my faith in the possibility of an us. I wouldn’t demand he say goodbye to the only father he knew, but Blake’s choice would determine if I could be with him.
“Things are still not the best between my mom and me. It’s complicated and I have a lot to tell you, but I don’t want to talk about them right now. Especially since it’s been four months since I last talked to you.”
“Okay.”
“So why did you come today?” There was a hopeful edge to his voice and it gave me the impression none of his feelings had faded over the summer.
“I came to see you,” I admitted. “I thought after the game we could talk.”
“I wish we could talk now.”
“Me too,” I sighed. “We can talk after the game. You better go. Don’t you have to go over plays or something in the locker room?”
He shrugged. “Do you think I’ll be able to concentrate on the game after knowing you want to talk to me?” He edged closer and my pulse quickened. “I wanted to call you, but I understood how badly I fucked up. I lied and got close to you without ever telling you the truth. I loved you
, but I always knew what we had would be temporary. The truth would be out there and I’d lose the only girl I ever loved.”
“Loved?” I heard the catch in my tone and guessed he had as well. Tears were building behind my eyes and I blinked hard to hold them back.
He leaned in until we were only a breath away and whispered, “Love. Of course I still love you.”
I put my palm against his chest and my skin tingled over how good it felt to be touching him again. “Do you know what a trust fall is?”
His eyebrows lifted and I could tell my question took him off guard. “I think so,” he said uncertainly.
“It’s when you allow yourself to purposely fall and have to rely completely on another person to catch you.” I reached over and clasped his hand in mine. His warm skin was rough from his calluses. I liked the way my hand felt small and delicate lost inside of his grip. “I want to try that with you. I want us to do a trust fall together.”
Blake’s grin transformed his face into a mask of sheer bliss. I found myself grinning back and for once I no longer had any nagging doubts. There was a litany of reasons Blake and I shouldn’t be together, but I wanted a chance to see if the universe was wrong. Maybe every barrier could be broken down because we loved each other. And although I thought I never knew the real Blake Preston—that wasn’t true. The real Blake Preston was the one who held me when I cried and tried to fix things he never broke in the first place. The real Blake told bad jokes and sang cheesy songs at the top of his lungs. He had favorite math rules and a little sister he protected and loved. The real Blake loved me wholly despite being told I was his worst enemy.
I lifted onto my toes and grazed my lips against his. It was a taste, a tease leaving me wanting more, but there would be time for that later. “Well, since you probably missed the coach’s pep talk, I’ll improvise. Go out there, get your head out of your ass, and score our team some points.”
Falling for Autumn Page 22