by Katy Kaylee
I could completely understand why my parents would be upset. In my shoes, I certainly would be. I knew that there was no way they would just accept this and be happy about it, so couldn’t we wait and have a little happiness for ourselves before we ruined it by telling them what was going on?
Cal shook his head. “I’m sorry. I understand where you’re coming from, Maggie. I really do. And perhaps… if your parents weren’t who they were, to me… but your father is my best friend. I’m close with both of them. I can’t let such a big secret stand between us. I feel like the world’s biggest asshole keeping this from him.”
He reached out and took my hands, and I had the stupidest urge to burst into tears. I swallowed hard, reigning it in.
“I know it’s going to be tough.” Cal rubbed soothing circles into my hands with his thumb. “But if I’m going to be in Fern’s life, then everyone needs to know the truth. We can’t ask her to keep a secret from her grandparents, can we? Or from anyone? She’s going to know I’m her father and if she knows then it’s only fair that your parents know.”
I understood the logic, but… maybe we could hold off on telling Fern, too? Even as I thought it, I knew that wouldn’t be right, either.
Cal released my hands and brought his up to cup my cheek. “The sooner that the truth comes out, the sooner that they can start accepting it.”
Damn him for being so soothing. Damn his stupid charming face. In a way he was right, but…
God, what was I supposed to do with this?
23
Cal
I could tell that Maggie was torn. And frankly I couldn’t blame her. I knew that Mark was going to go absolutely ballistic on me. In all my time of knowing him, I hadn’t seen Mark ever lose his shit, but I also knew he was very close to Maggie and was protective of her, as all parents were of their children.
When he heard that I’d fucked his daughter, been his daughter’s first sexual encounter, and that we’d then hidden it for five years—that I was the father of his granddaughter, even—I had no doubt that he’d unleash on me. I wasn’t altogether sure that I didn’t deserve it.
My only hope was that once Mark saw how much I loved his daughter, how much I loved his granddaughter, that I was determined to be in their lives and to be good… that he would accept the situation. That he would accept me as family in a new way from before.
Maggie sighed and pulled away from me, gathering her clothes and muttering to herself. It was adorable, honestly. Even with her irritated and upset, even with my own thoughts swirling, I couldn’t stop myself from just watching her, feeling completely besotted.
I tugged her back into my chest, and kissed her neck. “You are just so damn cute.”
“Because I’m upset?” Maggie asked. “Because if that’s the case once you tell my parents about us, I’ll become fucking adorable.”
I laughed and kissed her once more before releasing her. “I love you,” I reminded her. “And I love Fern. I’m not going to let anything separate us. I’m not saying that it’ll be easy, but we’re going to make it work. Even if it takes a lot of time.”
“Like five years?” Maggie replied dryly.
I snorted, but it was a bit sardonic. It was a joke but it had a ring of truth to it, after all. We couldn’t erase the time that we’d lost between us, and while we were making up for it… that didn’t mean that we wanted to go through that again with my best friend, and Maggie’s parents.
But I had to tell them the truth. Like ripping off a band-aid. The sooner we dealt with this… the sooner we’d heal. Besides, I knew that if our positions were reversed, I would appreciate being told as soon as possible. I didn’t know that Fern was my child until a few weeks ago. Telling them after a few weeks, after not seeing Maggie for five years, was far different than telling them after secretly dating Maggie for months.
“Do you trust me?” I asked her.
I knew it was a lot to ask, after how I’d treated her before, but Maggie nodded. She even smiled bravely. “I just hope that you know what you’re doing,” she said.
Yeah, I sure as fuck hoped that I did, too.
We got dressed and cleaned up her bedroom. Even with Mark and Violet knowing the truth, there was no reason to be rude. I wasn’t going to make it obvious that I’d fucked their daughter in her childhood bedroom, of all places (hot as that had been). We were just heading down the stairs when I could hear it: the distinct sound of a car pulling up.
That would be Mark, Violet, and Fern. It was time.
Maggie looked terrified, like a gigantic spider had just shown up in front of her. We were still on the stairs, so we couldn’t be seen from any of the windows. I grabbed her and pulled her in to kiss her one last time. One for the road, so to speak.
“It’ll be okay,” I whispered, and then Maggie pulled away and hurried down the stairs, putting distance between us as the front door opened and Fern entered.
“Cal!” she said, grinning at me, a bit of chocolate smeared on her face.
I longed for the day—hopefully soon—when she would call me Daddy or Papa instead of Cal. The day when she would know the truth about who I was. “Hey, baby girl!”
I swooped her up into the air and she laughed, delighted.
“Someone looks like they’re in a bit of a sugar high,” I noted, spinning her around and then hugging her.
Fern hugged me back enthusiastically, like it never occurred to her that she might not want it. It felt like my heart grew three sizes.
“You have no idea,” Mark said dryly, grinning at me.
I passed Fern over to Maggie and tried to ignore the twist in my stomach. I was viscerally reminded of when I had first met Mark. I’d expected him to be a total stick in the mud. We were such opposites. He was logical, loved numbers, had a steady and quiet existence and that was how he liked it. I was all over the place, usually had paint on me somewhere, and never had the same schedule twice, which was how I’d liked it. But somehow, from that first meeting, we had clicked. I’d known then that he wouldn’t just be my finances guy, but that he would be my friend. We’d spent more time in his office making each other laugh—him with his dry sarcasm and me with my sly, winking comments.
Before I could do or say anything, Violet entered. “Cal?” she looked surprised. “What are you doing here?”
I couldn’t see her, but I might as well have been pressed against her, given how I could feel Maggie going stiff on the other side of the room. I wanted to tell Violet and Mark the truth, but not like this. Not just blurting it out first thing.
“Oh, you know I could never turn down a home cooked meal with you guys,” I teased.
Violet laughed. “We were just going to have leftovers today…”
“Oh no, how awful,” I replied, deadpan. Leftovers of delicious homemade food were better than a microwaved meal that I’d made myself, any day.
“Would you like a drink?” Mark asked.
“Sure.” I paused. “Hey, Violet, I know you’re allergic to the oven but do you think you could spare Mark for a moment? I wanted to talk to him.”
“I’m sure I can warm up some food.” Violet rolled her eyes at me fondly. “Don’t you worry.”
“Why don’t we go help grandma in the kitchen?” Maggie said to Fern, who bounced on her feet excitedly.
“I’m not hungry, I had cookies!”
“Hmm, that’s okay, we’ll just use your second healthy food stomach, it only accepts healthy food. So even if your cookie stomach is full, this one isn’t.”
That was pretty clever. I grinned at Maggie as she ushered Fern into the kitchen.
Mark crossed through the living room into the dining room, where they kept some nice whiskey on the shelf in a cut-glass bottle. “So, what’s up?” He poured me a glass. “Have you been working on a new piece? I hadn’t heard anything from you and usually you’re bursting with ideas once you finish your last work.”
I accepted the glass, trying not to clutch it too tightly. “
I’m working on a new piece right now, actually. It’s going to be a masterpiece.”
“Oh?” Mark’s smile was small but teasing. “Is that why we haven’t seen you around as much lately?”
I cleared my throat. “Actually, it’s because I’ve been in Nashville.”
Mark’s smile faded. Not like he was angry, but like he was confused. “Nashville? Why have you been down there?”
“A-hem!” Fern ran in, then stood very straight and stiff like she was about to give an important announcement. “Dinner is served,” she said, in a horrible attempt at a fancy British voice.
I stifled a laugh, as did Mark. Well. Looked like my confession would have to wait.
24
Maggie
I was absolutely terrified.
I had never been this scared in my life. Not that I’d had a very exciting life when it came to thinks like possibly fearing for the consequences. I had never really broken rules, more focused on my career and doing well in school. I hadn’t ever been in a situation where my life was in danger. I had been a bit scared when I’d been giving birth to Fern, this fear striking me all of a sudden that I couldn’t do it—the labor, the pushing, and then raising this baby. What if I screwed her up? What if I was awful at it? I was so young and I didn’t know jack about babies.
But those all felt like regular, ordinary fears. They were nothing like what I was feeling right now. My stomach was in such knots that I couldn’t eat. I just kept picking at my food. I was pretty sure my parents could tell that something was up. Mom, especially, kept glancing at me. I was close with my parents, I wasn’t exactly good at hiding my feelings from them.
Cal seemed relaxed and confident next to me. They were letting him sit next to me, they were letting him chat with me, and I was sure they would regret that the moment they knew the truth. How could Cal be so calm about this? I knew Dad was going to freak out. Mom, I didn’t know, honestly. Mom was fiercely protective of me, and she tended to get in a snit about little things, but oddly enough when it came to the really big things, she was very calm. Dad was the opposite. He never stressed the small stuff but big things he would lose his damn mind.
Like when I told him I was pregnant during the summer before my junior year—I waited until the last second, but I’d been six months along and my parents knew a baby bump when they saw one—Dad had flipped. He had been especially upset that he couldn’t meet the father.
“Dad, he’s not in the picture, and he never will be,” I had told him. “I chose to keep this baby, I’m choosing to have this baby. It’s not fair to him to ask him to be a part of this. I should have made sure there was a condom, it’s on both of us.”
Dad was a bit old-fashioned and hadn’t seen it that way. And hey, if Cal had refused to use a condom, or if he had known about the baby and done nothing, that would’ve been different. But it was a one night stand. It might as well have been a hookup at a party. Keeping Fern, choosing to have her, that was on me. Nobody else. I wouldn’t let anybody take my choice, my agency, away from me, even in an attempt to protect me.
If that had been how he’d reacted back when I’d told him I was pregnant with some random guy’s child, I couldn’t even imagine how he would be once he learned the man was his best friend. Cal hadn’t known about Fern, of course, but how much would that really help?
And nothing about this situation changed the fact that I had lied to my parents. They were so supportive of me, and they adored Fern, and here I had gone and kept this secret from them for five years. As terrifying as the idea of telling them the truth had been, the idea of telling them now was even worse. Five years of lying, how could I make up for that?
Maybe Cal had a point, in a way—the longer we waited, the worse it got, at least as far as keeping it all from my parents went.
I was more scared for Cal than myself, honestly. I watched throughout dinner as Cal and my dad joked and laughed together. How long would that last? How long would their friendship remain once my dad knew the truth? I knew that my parents wouldn’t change how they treated Fern. They loved her, and it wasn’t Fern’s fault, not any of it. It wasn’t like she’d asked to be born this way. But there was a real chance that they wouldn’t accept Cal as Fern’s father.
Already my brain scrambled through dessert over the worst-case scenario. Could Cal just stay in Nashville and I’d come up for some holidays with my parents, and do other holidays with him? It was like a divorce almost but in the weirdest way possible.
“Would you like the rest of my dessert?” I asked Fern, pushing my plate of a half-finished brownie with mint ice cream towards her.
Fern grinned in delight, since I rarely gave her dessert and certainly never gave her extra. But I didn’t care. If this was all about to go to hell then I wanted Fern at least to be happy and occupied. We could let her out into the backyard to run out all the sugar inside of her—my parents had a whole playset and a sandbox out there that they’d gotten for her, since my old playset had been donated by the time I was in high school.
“Thank you,” she said politely, smiling at me as she dug into her dessert.
“Of course, baby,” I replied. I might throw up.
“How about we go outside and get some fresh air?” Mom suggested. I think she could sense that I was considering running to the bathroom and wanted to help me out.
Dad took Fern out, while I helped Mom quickly clean up the dishes, and then we were outside together, the four of us, while Fern played on the playset.
It was time. I knew that Cal wasn’t going to put it off much longer.
He cleared his throat, and as sick as I felt, I knew that I couldn’t let him be responsible for this alone. I was the one who knew about Fern, I was the one who initiated the sex that night, I was the one who had been lying to my parents. If anyone was going to take responsibility for this, it was me.
“Mom, Dad?” I blurted out. Cal went still and stiff beside me, I think out of pure shock. “Cal is Fern’s father.”
…okay so maybe, in retrospect, there was a better way for me to announce that. A way to say it that didn’t feel like I just dropped a ton of bricks on my parents’ heads. But it was out now, and I couldn’t take it back.
Cal stared at me in this mix of surprise and… dare I say awe? Like he was impressed with me.
Dad looked like I had told him I was dying of cancer. Mom looked… oddly resigned.
Fern, thank God, was too far away to hear—she was on the swings now and singing a song she’d made up, something about bagels.
I cleared my throat. “I. Um. Thanksgiving, five years ago, I… I’d had, um, I’d had a crush on Cal for a long time. For years. And I thought—well that night I decided to go for it. I went over to his house after dinner, I snuck out.” I had never snuck out of the house in my life except for that night, and I saw the hurt and betrayal register on my dad’s face. My mom still looked calm. “I know you’ve got no reason to believe me after this but I swear, that was the only time I’ve done it. This is the only time I’ve lied to you.
“And I—I know that I shouldn’t have lied. I didn’t know… what else to do, I mean… I knew that neither of you would approve of the relationship. I was young, I was stupid, I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking about you, or your friendship with Cal, I was just thinking about how much I wanted him, and I’m sorry about that.”
I took a deep breath and forced myself to keep going. I felt like I had just come off an intense rollercoaster, unsure if I was going to throw up or even where exactly the ground was. “I went over to his house and I seduced him. And I’m not—I’m not saying that he didn’t—it was consensual and all that so of course he played a part but Cal never thought of me that way, he never flirted with me or came onto me, I initiated all of it that night. So I just—I want you to know that.” I knew I was pleading but I couldn’t get myself to stop. My voice was high pitched and cracking.
“Afterwards… I want you to know that afterwards, Cal said it was a
bad idea. He was the one who came to his senses. I wanted to keep being together despite everything but he was the one who didn’t want to do it. He said it was a mistake. I… I need you guys to understand that.” I took another deep breath, tried to keep myself steady. I wanted to reach out to Cal, to hold onto him, and I thought I could sense in the tense line of his shoulders that he wanted to do the same, but I worried that would just make it all worse for my parents.
“Cal had no idea that I was pregnant,” I told them. “I didn’t know until about a month and a half later.” When I had smelled my roommate’s Indian food and thrown up for what felt like ages, she’d suggested that I might be pregnant. I had honestly never considered the possibility, but the moment she’d said it I’d started thinking aback and I’d realized it had to be true.
Didn’t stop me from taking about five pregnancy tests in a flurry of panic.
“That was when I… I told you guys, I debated for a couple of weeks over what to do, as you know, and then I called you and told you.” Just keep breathing, I told myself. Just keep breathing, Maggie. “I knew that it had to be Cal’s. I hadn’t been with anyone else. And I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t say anything to him. It’s why I moved to Nashville instead of staying with you guys longer to get on my feet, it’s why I kept staying away and why I avoided being with you whenever Cal was also around. I never wanted him to know. I didn’t think it was a responsibility that he wanted and it was my choice to keep the child, to raise her, not his. I didn’t want to force anything on him.”