by Lynsey James
‘Oh my God, that was amazing!’ Emma yells, stepping forward to hug me. ‘How was it?’
‘It was out of this world! I-I can’t believe I’ve just done that! The sharks were absolutely amazing; did you see me stroke one?’
My best friend nods. ‘I did, and you looked like you were having a blast! Do I have good ideas or what?’
‘You have good ideas,’ I agree. ‘Thanks for suggesting this; it’s really helped me since… well, since things ended with Scott.’
I feel a stab of regret when I mention his name. Not seeing him greet me after my shark encounter, knowing how proud of me he’d be, hurts like hell.
Just then, I spot a familiar figure out of the corner of my eye. Mum reluctantly steps forward to see me, an apologetic look on her face.
‘Can we talk?’ she asks.
I take a deep breath inwards. ‘If you’ve come to argue some more—’
She puts her hands up. ‘I haven’t, I promise! I want us to sort things out properly, Cleo. You haven’t been answering my calls or texts, so I rang Emma and she suggested I come down here today to watch you do your shark dive. I’m really proud of you. You’ve done so many amazing things and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for how I acted when I last saw you.’
I look at Emma, who smiles and shrugs.
‘Thank you, that means a lot.’ It does, more than I’ll ever be able to tell her. ‘I didn’t have do a shark dive on my bucket list, but I saw it advertised on the aquarium’s website and thought it looked like fun.’
She opens her arms and pulls me into them for a hug. This is about as rare as hens’ teeth, so I’m not sure how to react at first.
‘Mum, I can’t breathe!’ I chuckle. ‘If you hold me any tighter, I won’t be able to do any of the other things on my list!’
‘I don’t tell you how proud I am of you often enough.’ It sounds like she’s about to cry. ‘But you’ve done brilliantly, you really have.’
She steps away to gather herself, and Zara gives me a pat on the back.
‘You’ve more than earned a drink after this! Fancy a trip to the pub when your hair isn’t soaking wet?’
‘Maybe some other time.’ I look over at Mum. ‘Why don’t we head home for a catch-up?’
She smiles and nods. ‘I’d like that.’
I mouth me too and we exchange a secret smile. I can’t remember us ever doing that.
*
We head back to Mum and Dad’s cottage straight after leaving the aquarium. There’s a companionable silence between us as we head inside out of the cold.
‘Cup of tea?’ she asks.
‘Please.’
I sit down at the kitchen table as she prepares the cups. I’ve never noticed how elegant she is before; her movements are fluid and she has a grace I think she passed on to me for my ballet dancing.
‘Cleo, I’m sorry.’ She pauses her tea-making and turns to look at me. ‘I never should’ve said what I said; it was unforgivable. Your experiences can help so many people and you’ll be a great group leader. I never should’ve said otherwise.’
I nod slowly. ‘You really hurt my feelings, Mum. I really want to help people who might be going through what I did and I think I could make a difference to people’s lives. I was hoping you’d be happy for me.’
She sits down and puts her hands over mine. ‘I am darling, believe me. You’ve no idea how proud I am of you. You’ve gone after what you want and look at the results; you’ve just completed a shark dive!’
I chuckle. ‘Who’d have thought it, eh? Me in a tank with a load of sharks!’
‘You’re capable of way more than you give yourself credit for, missy.’ Mum reaches out and strokes my cheek. I can’t help but smile.
‘Why don’t we have a new start?’ I suggest. ‘A clean slate, starting from now.’
‘That sounds good to me,’ she replies. She gets up briefly to resume making our tea and returns with two steaming hot mugs. ‘So, what’s been happening?’
For a second, I ponder whether to give her a heavily edited version of the last couple of weeks. My brain, however, has other ideas. From the second I open my mouth, the whole truth comes spilling out. I tell her about my urges to binge and my eventual relapse, about Scott and how much I miss him, even though it was my decision to end things, and about Claudine’s offer. It’s fascinating to watch Mum’s facial expression change as I talk. She goes from shocked to sad to happy in the space of a few minutes, and doesn’t butt in once.
Wonders will never cease.
‘I wish you’d told me about wanting to binge again,’ she says, looking down at her half-full cup of coffee. ‘You used to talk to me about everything. I wouldn’t have judged you either; I just want you to be OK, sweetheart.’
I feel a lump in my throat, but swallow it down. ‘I thought I could handle it. The urges only came when I felt like I was losing control of things, and I always managed to stop myself. Except for last week. I want to get help, Mum; I want to beat this for good.’
She reaches over the table and squeezes my hands. ‘I’m really glad to hear you say that, Cleo. I don’t want this thing having a grip on you any more. That’s why I wasn’t happy about you joining Carb Counters. I thought all the rules you had to follow might make you want to do it again.’
I shake my head. ‘Carb Counters has nothing to do with my bingeing. That started way before I joined the group. If anything, it’s helped me. Having the rules to stick to and the recipes to follow makes things a lot easier. The group isn’t just about weight loss either; it’s about helping each other. That’s why I’ve accepted Claudine’s offer to train as a group leader; I want to help people like the group’s helped me.’
Mum smiles. ‘I know I’ve had a lot to say about Marjorie Newton, but I’ve noticed a real change in you since you started going there. Not just physically, but mentally too. You’ve come out of yourself; the Cleo from a year ago would never have dreamed of making a whole new bucket list! Or doing what you did today.’
I chuckle as I briefly recall stroking the sand tiger shark. If I could bottle the feeling of utter bliss and freedom, I know I’d make a fortune.
‘Or letting a nice young man into her life,’ Mum adds, fixing me with a pointed stare. ‘Have you heard from him since you sent him away?’
I nod. ‘Yeah, he’s tried to call a lot and he’s sent texts. I’m no good for him right now, Mum. His last girlfriend, she… she had similar issues to me, and watching her relapse was really hard for him. I want to get better, but I can’t promise it’ll never happen again. I don’t want to put him through what he went through with her.’
Mum sighs as she prises the biscuit tin open. She offers me one, but I decline.
‘Cleo, he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. You told him all about your issues with food and he stuck around. He could’ve decided it’d be too much for him and walked away, but he didn’t. Sometimes, you’ve just got to trust that people mean what they say. He wants to be there for you. Not because you need him to; you don’t. You’re more than capable of beating this horrible illness by yourself, and he knows that. From what you’ve told me, he wants to be there for you because he cares. If I were you, I’d give him a ring and straighten this out. I saw your face when you came out of the shark tank today. You looked overjoyed, but I could tell you wished he was there.’
My mouth opens and closes for a few seconds. She’s rendered me speechless, not just with her kind and empowering words, but with her uncanny knack of knowing what I’m thinking.
‘H-how did you…?’
‘A mother knows these things,’ she replies.
I stare at my phone for a second, wondering whether to heed her advice and call Scott.
‘Nah, he’s better off without me, I think,’ I declare. ‘Anyway, I’d better go. I’m giving a speech at the reunion next week, and I haven’t even started writing it yet.’
Mum gets up and comes round to my side of the table, enveloping
me in her loving embrace.
‘I’m really sorry I haven’t supported you more with Carb Counters,’ she says, kissing my hair. ‘I was so horrible to you at times and you didn’t deserve it.’
I shake my head. ‘Don’t worry about it. You’re my mum, I have to forgive you!’
We chuckle and share a final bear hug before I leave. I promise to phone a doctor to make an appointment and keep coming round every week for dinner. Mum says she’ll make Carb Counters-friendly meals and support me unconditionally.
All in all, it’s a win-win situation. I’ve cleared the air with Mum, our relationship is back on track, and I’ve made her agree to cook healthily. I can’t ask for more than that.
Scott crosses my mind again as I walk home, but I stop myself from calling him. In this case, mother definitely doesn’t know best.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Before I know it, the week of Amanda’s big reunion is upon me. For once in my life, I’m remarkably organised. I have my dress all picked out, I know how I’m getting there, and the butterflies in my stomach have arrived way ahead of time. The speech is a different story. Despite numerous attempts to write something coherent, I’m left with a blank page and numerous balled-up attempts in my bin.
Who knows what I’ll end up saying on the night?
*
The day of the reunion coincides with my very important doctor’s appointment. Walking into Doctor Sharma’s office is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I know it’s an important step to getting better.
‘What can I do for you today, Cleo?’ she asks.
‘I… I need help,’ I confess. ‘I think I have a problem with binge-eating.’
She raises her eyebrows. ‘Well, the first step to dealing with a problem is to admit you have one. When did this start?’
I tell her about my accident and how that triggered a cycle of unhealthy binge-eating and purging, before I joined Carb Counters last year. Although it hurts to do so, I recount the events of a couple of weeks ago in great detail. I make sure not to leave anything out, in case it’s important.
‘I’m glad you came to see me,’ Doctor Sharma says, looking at me from beneath her glasses. ‘Binge-eating can have damaging effects physically and psychologically. Looking at your notes…’ She pauses briefly to look at her screen. ‘…I see you didn’t seek any further treatment after you were admitted to hospital as a teenager?
I shake my head. ‘No, I tried to control it on my own after I left hospital. Joining Carb Counters really helped because I got into a healthy routine. What happened a couple of weeks ago was a wake-up call; I never want to go through that again.’
Doctor Sharma smiles. ‘We’ll make sure you get all the help you need, don’t worry.’
Help comes in the form of an appointment with a CBT counsellor, scheduled for a couple of weeks’ time. If that doesn’t work after a few sessions, she assures me there are other options to try. I also fill out a mental health questionnaire, which Doctor Sharma says she’ll pass on to a specialist so I can be referred to them for further help. In her opinion, she says, I’ve been suffering from body dysmorphia for a number of years. This has probably contributed to my flaws feeling magnified, my paranoia that people will see my shortcomings and judge them, plus the feeling that I’m viewing myself in a funhouse mirror.
I leave the doctor’s surgery feeling lighter than I have in a long time. I text Mum, Emma and Zara to let them know how I got on, and phone Scott without thinking. Before I can change my mind, I’ve pressed the call button and he’s answered.
‘Cleo?’ His voice bursts through the phone and my heart begins to race.
‘Oh, um… sorry, I didn’t mean to phone you! I’ll go now, s-sorry again…’ My finger hovers over the hang-up button.
‘Wait! Don’t go just yet; maybe we talk?’ he suggests.
He’s being so nice that my insides twist into knots. I don’t deserve this, not after what I’ve done. Even if I did think it was for the best.
‘I don’t know if that’s a good idea,’ I reply, my voice small and meek. ‘After what happened, why would you want to talk to me?’
He sighs. ‘Because I care about you, Cleo. That hasn’t stopped just because you think we’re better off without each other at the moment. You haven’t answered any of my texts or calls, so this is a good excuse to chat. What’s been happening with you?’
I sit down on the low wall next to the surgery before answering. ‘Well, I did a shark dive last week. I decided to go for it when I saw an ad on the aquarium’s website.’
‘Wow! That’s really impressive. How was it? Did you enjoy it?’
‘It was fantastic!’ I yell, suddenly overcome with excitement. Getting to tell him about my experience feels so good that I let my guard down without thinking. ‘I stroked a sand tiger shark and saw a stingray!’
I leave the part out about wishing he could’ve been there to see it; there’s no need to twist the knife any further.
‘So, what’s next on the bucket list?’ Scott asks.
‘I’m not sure really; going on a ridiculously luxurious holiday sounds good, but I’ll have to save up first. My Inspire training’s going really well, so that might tick off the finally figure out what I want to do with my life portion. I’m still thinking about getting a dance teaching qualification too, although I haven’t had time to look into it with everything else that’s been going on!’
‘You’re smashing it by the sounds of things!’ He’s doing his best to sound happy, but his words are laced with sadness. ‘You’re going to conquer the world one day, Cleo Jones.’
I feel a warmth spread over my skin, but ignore it. This is just a friendly conversation between friends, nothing more. I pushed him away for a reason.
‘One more thing…’ I pause for a second to make sure I’m not going to cry. ‘I’ve just been to see the doctor about my bingeing. She’s referred me to a CBT counsellor, so I’m going to give that a go. She thinks I have body dysmorphia too, which explains a lot of things. I’m being referred to a specialist so I can get more help.’
‘That’s wonderful,’ he says softly. ‘I’m really, really proud of you.’
My eyes begin to sting and my throat turns scratchy. I will myself not to cry on the phone to him, no matter how much it hurts.
‘Thank you. What’s been happening with you? How’s the gym?’
‘Yeah, it’s good, thanks. Taken on a few new clients, so I’m just getting to know them and what they’re capable of. Can’t complain really.’
I get the feeling he wants to say more, but that he also doesn’t want to muddy the waters.
‘That’s great, I’m really glad you’re doing well,’ I reply. ‘Anyway, I’d better shoot off. I’ve got that reunion in a few hours and I still need to get ready!’
‘I forgot that was tonight,’ says Scott. ‘Have a great time.’
Part of me wants to tell him he’s still welcome to come with me if he wants, but I know how bad an idea that is. No matter how much I yearn to see him, I have to stay strong. It’s for the best…
‘Hey, why don’t you come with me tonight?’ The words are out of my mouth before I have a chance to think. ‘It’ll be a good night and… well, I’d like to see you.’
Scott doesn’t answer right away. Can’t say I blame him; I’ve gone from pushing him away to asking him to come to the reunion with me. Talk about blowing hot and cold. I briefly consider taking my offer back, but find I don’t want to. I want him to be there with me, to dance with me and eat all the free pizza. Even though I was trying to do the right thing by him, I can’t deny how much I miss him any more. There has to be a way through this for us, there has to.
And there’s only one way to find out.
‘Why would you want me to come with you?’ he asks. ‘You said it was best we don’t see each other until you’re better.’
I sigh and screw my eyes shut. ‘I know, but… well, I miss you. A lot. Maybe we could talk a
bit more about things at the reunion? It’s been horrible being without you these last two weeks, Scott, it really has. I can’t stop thinking about you. If you want to come, it’s at the George Hotel in Manchester and starts at seven o’clock.’
It’s safe to say I have no idea where this conversation’s heading. Inviting him to the reunion was definitely not part of the plan.
‘Um… I-I don’t know what to say. I’ll have to think about it.’
We say our goodbyes and I race home to get ready. The less time thinking about what a massive fool I’ve just made of myself, the better.
*
There are a lot of advantages to getting ready for a night out with Emma. For one, she has the best make-up collection I’ve ever seen. For two, she picks the best getting-ready music in the world.
Tonight’s selection is ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran. We shimmy round the room to it as we curl our hair, do our make-up and slip into our dresses. I enjoy her company; getting ready is a lot more fun with her chatting happily away in the background. It means I don’t have time to think about my insecurities.
‘I’ve got a confession to make,’ I say as I apply my second set of false eyelashes. ‘I asked Scott to come with me tonight.’
Emma almost drops her mascara. ‘You did what?’
‘I phoned him after I came out of the doctor’s and we chatted for a bit. I didn’t intend to invite him, it just sort of popped out and I didn’t take it back. I didn’t want to take it back; I want him there with me, even if it’s a bad idea. I’ve missed him, Emma.’
She flashes me a sympathetic smile. ‘I know you have. Did he say if he was going to come or not?’
I shake my head, checking my phone again in case he’s given me his answer. Nope, nothing. Nada. Zilch.
‘He said he’d think about it, but I haven’t heard from him since. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t come, to be honest. He offered to be there for me while I got help, and I pushed him away. Then, on a whim, I tell him he can still come to the reunion! His head must be bloody spinning!’