by Cameron Jace
The bus arrived.
I see the yellow bus, she wrote.
The Pillar wrote:
Funny how college kids still get a yellow school bus.
Alice wrote:
It’s a substitute bus. There aren’t supposed to be yellow school buses in London, but I suppose even reality has become a distorted version of itself when visited through the Looking Glass. Anyway, the original one broke down yesterday.
The Pillar wrote:
Believe in yourself, Alice. You can do it.
Alice wrote:
I remember you saying this to me before.
The Pillar wrote:
Yeah, about five times now. Every time we cross over in this endless time loop through the mirror. I’m bored of remembering tomorrow by now.
Alice was just as bored. More like frustrated. They had made up the term ‘Remember Tomorrow’ mocking their repeated attempts to cross over and save the children. They had failed so many times that they joked Alice would end up in an asylum eventually—which actually happened that year. Most of the time, they couldn’t remember what had happened in the previous journey, not until they spent enough time in the Real World to adjust.
She stood up and took a deep breath as the bus stopped and then she stood in line.
Up the yellow rabbit hole, The Pillar wrote.
Alice wrote:
You mean the yellow brick road :P
Maybe Lewis Carroll and L. Frank Baum knew each other, The Pillar wrote.
Alice wrote:
I wouldn’t be surprised.
The Pillar wrote:
Can you see Jack?
Alice shrugged. She had avoided looking, but now she was forced to check.
Yeah, he is waving at me from behind the window. Lorena and Edith are inside as well.
The Pillar wrote:
It’s always a bonus to kill your stepsister, Cinderella.
Alice said:
This is the hardest part. That I have to kill others.
The Pillar said:
Don’t worry, no good souls are on this bus. I manipulated everything. All Black Chess or Inklings. This is pure Wonderland. No real-life students, though they pretend to be.
Alice wrote:
I have to go, I’ll call you when it’s over.
She stood right in front of the yellow bus, ready to embark when the Pillar sent her:
No need to call me later.
She didn’t understand and got inside.
The first smile she caught was Jack’s, waving at her enthusiastically and probably wanting to kiss her soon. He was her boyfriend at the moment.
Right behind him, in the last row by the window, sat the Pillar, ridiculously wearing a tennis bandana, white shirt, blue shorts, and sneakers, pretending to be a student — maybe one from the 80s era, since he missed the note the world had moved on.
33
Present: The Wonderland War, London
I’m Alice’s bits and pieces of her long-gone shadow. I’m Alice’s forlorn puppy lover with Cupid’s dagger in her heart. I’m Alice, insane, confused, not looking for happiness as much as wanting the pain to go away.
Holding Constance still, I remember getting on the bus. I remember the time loop. I don’t quite remember the rest yet, but it seems plausible. Mr. Jay is Jack. How did I miss that?
Of course, I missed it because I love him. Because he always tried to save me. Because it doesn’t make any sense.
“Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back,” Malice sings like an annoying demon next to me. “No more, no more, no more.”
Constance kneels in front of me and dries my tears. “It’s going to be alright.”
“Nothing is going to be alright,” I hate myself sobbing. “Why is everything so blurred? Why can’t I simply tell good from bad?”
“Welcome to the real world, darling,” Malice says. “It’s all shades of grey upon shades of mud.”
“It’s going to be okay,” Constance pulls me in her tiny arms and promises me what I doubt she believes herself.
I grip my sword and pat her back then wipe my tears. “Well, I know who I want to kill now.”
Malice claps with hand-shaped vines next to me. “I told you. You’re as evil as I am.”
“I’m not,” I say. “I’m just doing my job.”
“Are you really going to kill Jack?” Constance asks.
“I killed him before, didn’t I?”
She nods in agreement. “Only you didn’t kill him with the Vorpal sword so his soul lived on.”
“I don’t really understand,“ I mutter. “How come he was with me and with the Queen of Hearts. Why did he save me? It all doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s the time loop, darling,” Malice says. “Every time you failed, you came back through the Looking Glass and lived the whole story again, except, every time the characters change.”
I can’t comprehend this and don’t want to.
“So what is in it for you, Malice, if I kill Jack?”
“I told you, I love to see you in pain,” she snickers. “Trust me, Alice, so many of the people around you want you in pain, even your dearest friends, only they will never tell you to your face. I’m your most authentic enemy.”
“But you support Black Chess. How would you benefit from killing the Jabberwocky?”
Malice descends and whispers in my ear, “Because you will fail. Jack is like the Pillar, they all played you, girl. You have an issue with men, darling.”
Her words cut through.
I stand up, gripping my sword harder. “I assume you know where Jack is?”
“I do, darling,” she muses. “He is talking to Spades, but he is nearby.”
“Who is Spades?”
“His version of Malice,” Constance explains.
“How do you know that?”
Constance looks confused. She stares into nowhere then says, “I’m not sure Alice. I just know.”
“I spilled things into her head when I kidnapped her,” Malice says. “Now follow me to kill Spades.”
“But if Jack is two people as well, who is the Jabberwocky?”
“Both, darling,” Malice says.
Constance says, “You have to hurry though, Alice. If Spades kills Diamonds, you’re facing the darker him, and it will be harder to kill him.”
I follow Malice, Constance beside me, not sure if I can kill Jack.
34
Present: Near the Ferris Wheel, London
The Cheshire enjoyed the Pillar’s whip more than any other toy he ever had. Not only did it glitter in his hands and make him feel like a lion, not a cat anymore, but it killed instantly.
Whenever one of the crazed people tried to attack them, the Cheshire whipped them to death. It even worked with the attacking mushrooms sometimes. And even better, some of the plants with razor blades.
“You surely are into whipping,” the Pillar mused, looking for Fabiola.
“The sexual innuendos are getting a bit too on the nose.”
“What are you talking about, Cheshy?” the Pillar amused himself.
The idea that he knew more than anyone else wouldn’t leave the Cheshire alone, and it ate at him. So much that maybe killing the Pillar wasn’t a good idea before he knew what the damn butterfly was up to.
“Actually, I’m talking about you… Pilly.”
“I love how we could have both become Bonnie and Clyde,” the Pillar teased him, but with eyes focused on the road. “We would make a brilliant buddy cop movie.”
“Cops are good. We’re far from it.”
“Good and bad. A matter of perception.”
“I do believe this is how you think about it, actually,” the Cheshire considered. “I’m really in for the bad. All the way.”
“You’re not bad. You’re bitter that humans killed your ancestors.”
“And you?”
“What about me?”
“Why are you sneaky, manipulative, and eventually bad?”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m not bad. I’m badass.”
“You sound like a four-year-old now.”
“I don’t think four-year-olds can say badass.”
“You know what I mean.”
“It’s the end of the world, Cheshy. Chillout.”
“We’re all gonna die. And come back again.”
“Ah, you know about that?” the Pillar sounded nonchalant, though the Cheshire believed it to be crucial information.
“I’ve been remembering things since the mushrooms came up.”
“Like what?”
“Like that, I’ve seen this happen before.”
“You’re right. We’ve done this before. It’s how the story goes.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Trust me, I’m not really sure, but since the damn Looking Glass came to Wonderland and we’ve been in and out in this loop, trying to find the best meaning for our lives as fictional characters that factual humans don’t respect.”
“I’m not a character in a book. I’m real.”
The Pillar said nothing but he smiled. “Look, Cheshire, no one really knows what this whole universe is about. We do our time and hope for the best, enjoy the moment, and if lucky we put a smile on someone else’s face or leave a legacy to be remembered.”
“That’s deep nonsense,” the Cheshire whipped a man dead for no reason.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” the Pillar said. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Enlighten me. You seem to know everything.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Why you want to see Fabiola for one last time before we all die.”
“Well, I’m not sure we all die this time—not if Alice makes things right.”
“She is a tough cookie, but still a cookie. We die, Pilly. And come back again. Start from scratch. So why look for Fabiola?”
“I need to tell her something.”
“That you were an ass back then in Wonderland?”
“Badass,” the Pillar teased. “But nah, I want to tell her who I am.”
The Cheshire stopped in this tracks. He had always suspected something. “You’re the Jabberwocky.”
The Pillar stopped and smiled at him. “You think so?”
“You must be, or how do you know so much?”
“Me, you, and Jabberwocky were in the same room a day ago.”
“Me, you, and a man in the dark, you mean. I’ve never seen him. No one has ever seen his face.”
“If I were him I’d have killed Alice when I had a chance earlier.”
The Cheshire itched his Joker’s plastic nose, thinking. “That’s true.”
“See? I’m not him. I want him dead. I hope Alice can do it.”
“Then who are you, and why does it matter to tell Fabiola?”
The Pillar lowered his eyes and stared at his boots. “You won’t understand.”
“Cats are smart, Pilly. I’ve outsmarted you many times before.”
“True, and I see you have calmed down lately, but you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never loved someone.”
The Cheshire purred with mockery. “Not again. Oh my. You never loved Fabiola, Pilly.”
“Oh, I did. I do. Always.”
Had the Cheshire sensed the sincerity in the Pillar’s voice, he would have interrupted him again.
“Then why did you do all you did to her?” the Cheshire asked.
He didn’t expect to see the Pillar’s eyes as moist as he did when he looked back at him. Never had he seen him this way. Vulnerable and in need of forgiveness.
The Pillar said nothing for a while and then, “I never hurt her—”
Though the Cheshire was keen on listening to what the Pillar had to say, a loud squealing of tires nearby caught his attention.
He and the Pillar saw a car flip against a rising mushroom and cow-tip in the middle of the road. A family of five were inside. Parents and three children. They were screaming.
“Another bunch of losers,” the Cheshire rolled his eyes. “What were you saying again, Pilly?”
The Pillar wasn’t listening. He had his eyes fixed on the family.
“Pilly?” the Cheshire whipped the hose in the air to wake him up from whatever he was daydreaming about.
“Give me that,” the Pillar gripped the Cheshire’s hands.
“Whoa,” the Cheshire pulled away. “We had a deal.”
“I’ll give it back,” the Pillar grunted, nodding at the children. “I have to save them.”
“Says who?” the Cheshire said.
“They’re chanting,” the Pillar pulled the hose harder, leaving the Cheshire with bloody palms behind.
“What’s gotten into you, Pilly!” the Cheshire couldn’t understand the situation. “Since when do you care?”
“They’re reading Lewis’ book!” the Pillar said running toward the car. “We need every child reading the book, or we will lose.”
“I thought you wanted to lose—I mean win—I mean whose side are you on, man? Why does it matter?”
The Pillar whipped at the plants roaming around, catching their attention. Swiftly they surrounded him and wheezed at him.
“Double-you-tee-eff?” the Cheshire said.
“Come help me!” the Pillar demanded.
“Why? For the children? For Lewis? I never cared, man.”
The Pillar attacked the plants while they wounded his arms simultaneously. “I do care, Cheshy,” the Pillar shouted between whips. “I always did.”
The Cheshire realized that he could finally put two and two together. The Pillar’s mystery from the beginning. His curse. Whoever kills him wears his body. Of course, it was clearer now what happened.
“And I thought I was so smart,” the Cheshire ran to help him, “Nothing is really what it seems.”
35
Present: The Wonderland War, London
When Constance, Malice, and I find Jack, we meet only one Jack, not two. Jack Diamonds is drenched in blood and sands awed with shock and disbelief.
“Alice,” he mutters, showing me his blood-soaked hands.
“Jack?” I quiz. Is it him, really?
All that talk about killing him evaporated when I see him as vulnerable.
“What happened?” Constance asks.
“I killed me,” Jack says. “I mean I killed Spades.”
“Where is he, then?” Constance asks, arms folded.
“He evaporated when I cut him with a diamond card. I slashed through his neck and he disappeared,” he begins to sob. “It felt so…”
“He is lying, Alice,” Constance says.
“You felt like what, Jack?” I ask him.
He gazes back into my eyes. God, it feels so good. He can’t be the Jabberwocky. I’ve loved the way he cares for me every time he looks at me this way.
“It felt horrible,” he says. “But also good.”
“Nonsense,” Constance says.
“It felt like pulling out a tumor,” Jack elaborates. “It was so painful.”
My attempt to approach him is stopped by a silent Malice, blocking the way. “You said you will kill him,” she whispers.
“Get out of my way,” I say.
“He is the Jabberwocky.”
“He just killed his darker side, the same way I wish I’d eventually kill you.”
“You can’t kill your darker side, Alice,” Malice sounds unusually serious. “Because if you kill it, you die. If your darker side dies, there is no good side in you. Light is a response to darkness. Darkness has always come first. Dark or not, he is the Jabberwocky.”
I turn to face Jack for one last time, “Jack, I trust you.”
“I know, love,” he says. “It’s just so confusing meeting your other self.”
“You never called me love before,” I tell him. “I've never even been sure of what we are.”
Jack looks perplexed. Have I pushed it too far
while he just killed Spades?
“Okay, scratch that,” I wave my hands in the air. “They say you’re the Jabberwocky.”
“What?” he looks like he is going to fall apart. I’m not even sure he heard me right.
I take a step closer to him even though Constance tries to stop me.
“Do you know that we’ve known each other since we were kids back in Wonderland?” I stare right into his eyes.
To my surprise, his eyes glitter, “Yeah, I just remembered a while ago.”
My heart flutters like butterfly wings, ready to conquer the world, “You remember me and you walking hand in hand…”
“In the field with the mushrooms and plants all around, yes I do,” he says. “I didn’t think you knew we knew each other earlier.”
“I didn’t,” my moist eyes scan his whole being, making sure he isn’t acting his part. “I remembered it a while ago as well. How far does your memory go?”
His face dims, “Until we see him.”
“The Dark One. The Jabberwocky?” I take another step forward.
“He is the Jabberwocky, Alice.” Constance sighs in frustration from behind me.
“Why is she saying that?” Jack says.
“Because you are, darling,” Malice says.
“Forget about them, Jack,” I almost reach for his hands but the blood on his makes me hesitate. It still proposes the possibility of him being the Jabberwocky.
“I’m sorry, Alice,” he lowers his head in shame. “I’m really sorry.”
His words alert me, but my legs are frozen with disappointment and shock. I can’t retreat. What does it mean that he is sorry?
“I guess I let you down,” he continues, not staring back in my eyes.
“See?” Constance says. “It’s him…“
“I guess I couldn’t control myself,” Jack says. “I’m really sorry.”
“What didn’t you control, Jack? What are you sorry about?” I say.
“Same old. Same old,” Constance says. “He’ll have reasons why he is a villain or dark being. A reason for why he did that to you.”