“You’re asking me? I wasn’t there.”
“Weren’t you?”
“You mean I was?”
“Maybe. If we go back.”
“That’s too deep for me, A.B. If we go back, I’ve already been, five hundred years ago. Therefore I should already know the answer. Does that mean we’re not going? I mean, we didn’t?”
The monster grabbed my wrist with his tail, something he hadn’t done since that day in the library. “Don’t be difficult, human. And read Stephen Hawking.”
“Okay, okay. ‘A Brief History of Time’ here I come. When are we going, anyway?”
“As soon as you learn a few things. What would you like to work on?”
“Oh, let’s see. How about energy?” Maybe I was being a little sarcastic; but only a little.
For once it sailed over the Great One’s head. “And what would you like to put your energy toward?”
Actually, I’d been giving that some thought. I mean, if you were going to just break down and believe in magic, you might as well put it to good use. “How about invisibility?” I said. Boy, did I have a use for that.
“Oh, elementary. Invisibility. Are you quite sure you don’t want to try something a bit more difficult?”
“Hey, are you messing with me?”
He was. He licked his fat neck to hide his stupid smug face. Okay, maybe nothing sailed over his head. But I was kind of disappointed.
“You mean we can’t work on that? That’s like, Lesson Forty-Nine or something?”
“We can work on it. Even you can master it— probably before the weekend.”
I was excited. “Really?” If I were invisible, think what a great burglar I could be. I could realize my life’s ambition of becoming a glamorous hotel jewel thief. Even better, I could walk in and out of St. Joan’s at will.
“Where would you go, though?” the cat said.
Busted again. “Just get out of my head, okay? Are you going to teach me or not?”
“It’s quite simple really. You know what a glamour is, Soldier?”
“What do you mean ‘a’ glamour? Sure, I know what glamour is. It’s like sequins and stuff.”
“Magically speaking, a glamour is a simple spell— i.e. a simple use of energy— that makes someone think he’s seeing something they’re not. That’s why the term is used with regard to female appearance. Women use cosmetics, undergarments, what-have-you to glamourize themselves— in a word, to create an effect outside reality.”
I was starting to get his drift and I didn’t like it. “So I’m not really going to be invisible, more like, um…”
“ ‘Beneath notice’, I think.”
Well, it was better than nothing. “Okay, fine, how do I get that way?”
“Simply apply the Main Maxim of Magic— Put Energy On It.”
“Uh… I don’t think you taught me that one yet.”
“All magic is focus, Soldier. What do you think focus is?”
“Well, psychic ability’s focus too. But I don’t guess you mean that.”
“The two are not unrelated. For magic, you must devise your own spell, using available materials. You might begin with metaphor.”
Metaphor. That was sure a word that came up a lot. I decided to sleep on it. For now I had a Rangers meeting with two big reports to give.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN—PLAN B
Still no Kara at the meeting, but Sonya was there. “How is she?” asked Julia.
Sonya shrugged.
“Hmm. You’ve got to know. You’re sworn to secrecy, right?”
Another shrug.
“Look, here’s the thing. You work with psychics, you can’t really have secrets from them. We have to talk about this.”
Sonya held up both hands, palms out. “I know, I know. She jus’ stubborn.”
“And scared. Listen, I need to talk to her alone. I have some stuff to tell her— she’s not alone in this.”
“She won’t do it.”
“Okay, not just me. Reeno and I and you— all of us together. Tomorrow, after dinner and before the meeting. Your room.”
“She’s not gon’ do it.”
“Look, we need her in here. But we can’t have this… this… energy block in the club. I move that she does it or she’s out.”
“Second,” said Sonya, totally shocking me.
“All in favor, say aye.”
The motion was carried unanimously. All righty, then. Remind me never to cross Julia. But I knew she was right. We had to work together, to actually trust each other. Stuff was at stake and we were all in too deep to play games.
Speaking of which: “Okay,” I said, “I have the Manny Diaz report. Plus yesterday’s unfinished stuff.”
“Stuff?” sneered Cooper.
“You know what I said to Manny Diaz? I actually told him you’re a nice boy.”
“Shows how dumb you are.”
“The suspense,” said Carlos, “is killing me.”
“Okay, everybody, Plan A— getting Manny to remove the curse— isn’t going to fly. Manny Diaz is a Class A assweed douchebag cigarhead.”
Carlos looked puzzled. “Cigarhead?”
“Julia hates penis words.”
“Dickhead. Gotcha.”
“First of all, the guy landed on his feet. He’s a sportscaster, still playing a little exhibition ball, all is forgiven, all’s forgotten. For him. But he’s not willing to extend that courtesy to Cooper.”
“He actually admitted cursing me?”
“Oh, yes. He was really proud of it. Except he didn’t do it himself. He hired a babalawo, which is a Santero priest kind of thing. Manny’s Cuban, I guess. Santeria’s this Cuban kind of voodoo deal.”
“How do you know that stuff?”
“I had an iPhone for about five minutes.” I thought wistfully back to those precious moments. Why on earth had I returned it?
“Anyhow, Manny won’t remove the curse. So I had this idea— it’s kind of like a psychic karate move. You know, where you use somebody else’s energy against them? Think we could bounce that curse back to Manny?”
Sonya spoke up. “But that’s mean!”
“Trust me,” I said, “he deserves so much worse.” And I outlined my idea.
Sonya and Julia looked at each other. Julia said, “Think it’ll work?”
“Not without Kara,” said Sonya.
“We’ve can’t afford to lose her, then,” Carlos said. “You guys better make it good tomorrow.”
“All righty, then. Moving right along.” I took a deep breath. I was about to say some of the most outlandish stuff that had ever come out of anyone’s mouth. But it had to be done.
“Everybody remember that Mayan stuff we talked about?”
“Yeah, the 2012 thing.”
“The thing is, I might somehow be involved in that. Remember the curse? And how somebody said the only way it could happen would be if I time-traveled? Well, I think maybe I did. Only I haven’t yet, if you can follow that.”
“Technically you already have,” Carlos said, “if you went backward. You just haven’t left yet.”
“Uh, Houston calling Earth,” said Cooper. “Could somebody please speak English here?”
I took a deep breath. “What if I told you there was a kind of… being called a Planet Guardian? And these beings are supposed to see that the world doesn’t end. And other stuff.”
“You mean like an angel?” Sonya said.
“That was my first guess too. No, definitely not an angel. More like a Ninja for Gaia.”
“For what?” Carlos actually scratched his head, but I think that was just coincidence. He probably had an itch.
“Oh, that’s his word. It’s another name for Earth.”
“Who in Gaia’s name is ‘he’?” asked Cooper.
I squirmed. “See, that’s the complicated part. I know one of these things. These guardians.” I cleared my throat and spit it out. “I know a Planet Guardian. I can talk to him.”
&nbs
p; “Getouddahere!”
“You know the freaky thing about that? So do you.”
Cooper said a word that I am far too polite to repeat here.
“Look, I’m gonna tell you all about it, but do you mind if we do a little demonstration first?”
“Sure,” Carlos said. “Shoot.” He looked as interested and benign as Cooper looked bored and malignant.
“Someone in here is not who he seems.”
“Reeno, for heaven’s sake,” said Julia, “we all know that about Cooper.”
“It’s not Cooper.” Everyone looked at Carlos. “And not Carlos either.”
“Well, that does it for the ‘he’s’.”
“Not exactly. Meet my friend, the Alpha Beast. Shake hands with Julia, A.B.” I held my breath. One thing the Alpha Beast did not do was take orders. But maybe, just maybe…
Sure enough, pretty as somebody’s cute little pet, he stood, marched to Julia’s end of the table, settled adorably into Cat Position Two, and offered her a paw.
“So? You taught the kitty a trick. Good for you.”
Without further prompting, A.B. stood, flipped his body and with that monkey tail of his grabbed both of Julia’s wrists, pulling them together, locking them in kitty-cuffs.
“Hey! That hurts. Tell him to let go.”
“Julia. Have you been listening? This thing looks like a cat, but it’s not. Did you ever see a cat with a prehensile tail? That could handcuff you? I can’t make him let go. Talk to him yourself— and be nice if you don’t want to lose your face.”
Julia said, “Um… Mr. Kitty? Could you release me, please?”
A.B. growled and hissed and (I gathered from her screech) squeezed louder.
“He doesn’t think that ‘kitty’ thing’s respectful. A.B., can she call you A.B?”
The Beast nodded. By that I mean he bobbed his head up and down, just like a human. He never did that. A collective gasp went up from the table.
“Mr. A.B.?” Julia said. “Could I possibly have my hands back?”
He let her go, leaving her rubbing a couple of no doubt very sore wrists.
“Hey, cool!” said Carlos. “We can talk to him?”
“Oh, sure. He understands English and… hmmm, I don’t know… A.B., what else?” He told me.
“Thirty-seven other languages, none of which, unfortunately, is ancient Mayan. But the problem is, he can’t speak back, except through me.”
“Hold it,” Cooper said. “We’re supposed to believe you and that stupidass furbag communicate telepathically?”
Well, sure, A.B. knew about the curse and how Cooper couldn’t help it and all, but he’s the Alpha Beast. He didn’t mess around with Cooper’s hands, just wrapped his tail around his neck and started squeezing. Cooper’s eyes bugged. He began clawing at his fur-sheathed neck and making strangling sounds. “A.B., he can’t help it, okay? Can you give him a break?”
The Beast unfurled his appendage. Of course I knew the whole thing was a big performance— he was just giving them a crash course in Attributes of the Alpha Beast— but judging from the horrified faces he could probably have taken it down a notch.
Cooper said, “Thing felt like a steel cable.” His neck was red.
“A.B. says he’s sorry.” But he hadn’t, and I wasn’t escaping either. What happened next was both painful and strange. And quite memorable. Actually, one of the most amazing sights I ever saw in my life.
I was sitting with one hand resting lightly on the table. First the Beast stepped on it. And then, in one mighty motion, he hoisted himself on it and gradually, like a fishing line, sent his tail up like an antenna. It was an acrobatic feat no real cat could possibly manage (or would want to)— all three hundred pounds of him balanced on one paw. And that paw on the delicate bones of my hand.
When I yelped loud enough to be heard in Cozumel, the Beast was kind enough to hop off. That’s right— hop. He hopped lightly— okay, not so lightly— off my hand, and maintained the pose for a good five seconds before folding gracefully back to Egyptian Temple Cat. No one said a word during the performance. We all just sat there stupefied, wishing for iPhones and cameras, at least in my case.
“Cat Position Ninety-Two,” I said to A.B., as he basked in the outbreak of sudden applause. But not surprisingly, he didn’t deign to answer.
“What,” said Carlos, “was that?”
“Well, he didn’t really say he was sorry about Cooper. I made that up to be nice. But the Alpha Beast is not nice. He wants you to know that. And he wants to make sure you understand that anything I say comes from him actually does come from him. Is that about it, A.B.?”
And once again the Beast nodded.
“Wow,” said Carlos.
“Hold on,” Sonya said. “Hold on.” We held on until she said, “My angel say that thing for real!” She looked like she was about to flee.
“He is, but he won’t hurt you. That was just a show to let you see who he is. Right, A.B.?”
This time he not only nodded but, swear to God, he stood up, splayed his front paws, and lowered his head and shoulders in a perfect kitty bow.
“Wow!” said Carlos again, this time joined by Cooper. And once again, spontaneous applause burst out. A.B. preened. Literally. Licked his paws and washed his face like your favorite little Snugglepuss.
“So. What’s the story?” Carlos was looking at me as if I were the most brilliant scientist who ever built a rocket. What a beautiful guy! Why are all the great ones gay?
I flicked a glance at Cooper. He was looking at me too. And truth to tell, the look on his face was pretty interested. But interested in the Beast, probably.
“ ‘There is only one Alpha Beast on any continent at any given time’,” I began, quoting His Beastliness, “ ‘and it’s a very long time.’ In fact, its existence gave rise to what A.B. calls ‘the primitive notion that a cat has nine lives. The Alpha Beast has not nine, but 999,999 lives, of which he uses 999 per year. He needs every single one and does not expend them carelessly.’ I’m quoting here.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Sonya. “You know when you got Jag buried? That time when you kicked Hal…”
“Don’t remind me.”
“They buried him ‘cause they thought he was dead, right? Was he really dead?”
“Did you happen to see the bullet hole in his side? That Hal said must be a wound from the crowbar? People see what they want to see.”
“Or,” she said, “what their tiny minds can handle.”
“Right.” And then I took them through the whole thing about the kitty militia (aka Planet Guard), the Universal Mandate, how A.B. calls himself a killing machine, the entire tedious megillah, even the part about how I was his “handmaiden” because the poor kitty had no actual hands.
“Wow,” said Carlos for about the tenth time. “Does he have any other weaknesses?”
“Good question. A.B.?”
The Beast didn’t answer.
“He’s not answering.”
We waited.
And then finally, he said, “I am mandated to tell the truth to those who help.” I repeated the answer.
“Well, yeah,” Julia said, “I can see how that could be a disadvantage.”
I was getting a weird, uncomfortable feeling. “So, A.B., truth or dare here. Anything else?”
“Ah, two more. I am not permitted to harm children in any way, even by threatening.” I filled the Rangers in.
“Oh, gosh darn,” Carlos said, “that Gaia’s such a beotch!”
“And I am rendered insensible by certain substances.”
“Such as?”
“Alcohol, marijuana, any morphine derivative, cocaine, and heroin.” Again, I spoke for him.
“Oh, well. Join the crowd.”
“Also tranquilizer darts.”
“Bummer!” I said. “Okay, listen up, everybody. I think it’s pretty rare for A.B. to reveal himself to so many people at once, but he needs help with this project he’s got going.�
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Julia nodded. “The 2012 thing.”
“The end of the world as we know it,” said Sonya.
And then I went through the whole thing about the book that might or might not exist and how it might or might not be in Cozumel, ending up with, “he wants us to take a psychic look at it.”
Julia looked sober. And a little bit scared. “This is a great honor,” she said.
“A.B., did you have to hurt her that bad?” I asked.
“Certainly, Student. She is now mine to command.” All righty, then.
Julia got out the candle and off we went. Once she had us grounded, she said, “Reeno, you want to do the honors?”
I did. I had an idea for a visualization that I thought might work. Also, I wanted to try something new— talking while in trance. “You are in a Mayan town,” I said. “And in this town is a palace, built like a pyramid with hundreds of steps. Start climbing the steps… up… up… breathing harder now…”
I let them catch their breath and then I took them into the palace library. “Here, there are many scribes working on important works of scholarship. They wear sarong-like garments with no pockets. So they tuck their pens in their headbands. They’re working on books called codices, made of bark paper. Each codex folds like an accordion and some fit into their own boxes. When you ask your question, the proper scribe will light up. Here is your question: Who is the royal librarian in charge of books about the calendar?”
I let them find the librarian and then I said, “Pretend you are in a reference library in your own home town. Go up to the librarian and ask him for the book that explains why the calendar ends.”
Again, I waited. And then I said, “Anyone getting anything?”
“Yes!” Sonya said. “I got thrown out. They all ganged up on me and started yelling. So I ran and they chased me.”
“Aha!” A.B. said. “That would seem to indicate the book exists.”
I translated for him: “The Beast is taking that for a yes on the book. Anybody else?”
“I know it’s there. I saw it,” said Cooper. “But the same thing happened to me. I guess it’s kind of secret, because one of them took one of the boxes and tried to hide it. But I got a glimpse. Those boxes are round, did you know that? And covered with fur.”
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