“Oh, yeah. We need some cool presents. I guess. Are you sure she didn’t just mean our fabulous personalities?”
“Reasonably.” He yawned.
“Hey, I’ve got it!”
“Just like that? You’ve got it?”
“I haven’t spent months in the library for nothing. But give me another hour. I think I read something good once. I just have to find it.”
In Study Hall, he announced himself with the usual leap on my table. “Well? Did you find it?”
“Listen to this: ‘So I presented to the king a little wine which I had with me in a bottle, which he esteemed above any treasure: for wine, they will sell their wives and children.’ This English guy wrote that in 1569— claimed it kept him from being eaten by Mexican cannibals.”
“Pah! An exaggeration, surely.”
“About the cannibals? Probably. But the point is, the Mayans loved their pulque, right? It comes from the maguey plant, like tequila. So what about some fancy tequila?”
“You know little about tequila, Novice. They could probably brew it as well as Mr. Cuervo, whoever he may be.”
“Well, then— oh, yeah, I’ve got it!” I was getting excited. “How about chocolate liqueur? Even though they had fermented chocolate, which by the way, they probably drank to dull the pain of all that blood-letting, I’ll bet anything they didn’t have crème de cacao. Wow! That stuff’s really good.”
“You’re too young to know that.”
“My parents let me taste some. They’re crazy about it. Hold it, I’m not finished. How about other chocolate stuff? Everything you’d get in a movie theater, maybe. Milk duds, chocolate-covered raisins— hey, and Godiva candy, and chocolate syrup. Think about tortillas and chocolate syrup. How cool would that be? Hey! Heath bars. Chocolate truffles. Chocolate ice cream? Uh-uh. Too hot. Brownies! Bet they’ve never had brownies.”
“Your idea,” said the Beast, “is not without merit.”
I had another idea. “Of course, there’s one other thing the Mayans loved: Jade.”
“You’re thinking, perhaps, of robbing an Asian art museum?”
“No, but my mom’s got a real nice pin thing, a whaddayacallit— brooch.”
“I hardly think it will compare with what the Mayans already have.”
“No, it’s good. My dad’s parents were missionaries. They got it in China a long time ago— I think it’s an antique. Anyway, it’s all carved and stuff. What do you think?”
“Perhaps.”
“Look, I’ve got a really great idea— my mom’s, like, paranoid about getting her purse snatched. She never keeps more than one credit card in her purse, and she switches around. She keeps the others in a desk drawer at home. We could buy chocolate with them, and lift my dad’s booze. And the brooch, of course.
“Omigod, we have to go now! I mean tonight, or maybe tomorrow. While Mom’s in the hospital.”
“Your father won’t notice his own daughter? And an unusually handsome cat?”
“He’s in San Francisco. And Curly’s at Jace’s. It’s perfect. If the credit cards aren’t there, I’ll think of a way to steal the chocolate. We can go to different stores if we need to— see, I know where everything is, and how to find stuff.
“But wait— where’ll we keep the stuff? Can you put a glamour on a grocery bag full of chocolate?”
“Leave that part to me. It will require two trips— actually two trips each time— but one will be such a short hop you might manage.”
I didn’t like that word “might.” I was about to say something, but he did his famous pranceaway before I could open my mouth. Okay, fine, that gave me time to work on my plan.
A.B. didn’t show his conceited self till the meeting that night, which was mostly just practice for our next amazing exploit. Afterward, while everyone was gathering up their things, he said one word: “Ready?”
“Ready for what?”
“Santa Barbara, of course.”
“What, now? We’re going to Santa Barbara now?”
“I asked you, Student. Are we?”
“Let’s do this,” I said, clenching my jaw against the bumping and grinding ahead. He gave me his tail, and we were out of there.
Next thing you know (if you didn’t count the pain and the noise) I was standing in my old bedroom, clutching A.B. so tight he forgot himself and spoke aloud. “Yowrrrrr!”
“What’s that?” someone said.
I froze. No one should be there.
“It would seem,” A.B. said, “that we miscalculated.” He dropped onto my bed, and then to the rug without a sound.
Everything was quiet for awhile. And then another voice said, “Something outside. Cat, I guess.” The voice seemed familiar, but it was very low. I couldn’t even tell if the speaker was a man or a woman.
“I think they’re on this floor,” I said. “Let’s check it out.”
My room was dark as a closet, but the hall was faintly lit, and the light came from Mom and Dad’s room. I crept along the corridor, flat to the wall, A.B. on the other wall.
I peered around the doorsill and saw that the room was lit by a single candle. There were two people in it, Jace and a girl I’d never seen before, with a shaved head and a pierced lip. The light glinted on the stud in her lip, and it was ugly. She was holding up a picture of me that Mom kept on her bureau. “This is your old girl friend? Seriously lame.”
Jace looked at the picture. “Yeah, she’s kind of a dog, but she taught me some pretty good stuff.”
Baldy was just fascinated by that picture. “What did you see in her?”
He shrugged. “Hard up, I guess. She was the only girl who ever paid any attention to me. Anyway, forget about her. Let’s just get the stuff and leave.”
I couldn’t believe this was happening. Jace knew no one was here because my father had told him! He’d betrayed my dad’s trust and mine. And not only that, he was dumping me for a chick with no hair on her head. (Not that he was ever my boy friend.) I looked her up and down, and what I saw almost made me lose it— something light green pinned to her black T-shirt.
“Easy,” A.B. said. “Easy.”
I went over the Tactics of Combat in my head— know your enemy; pick the right time; when in doubt, bluff. Those were the ones that came to mind. Okay, I didn’t know the girl, but this was the right time, no question; I had surprise on my side. And I was really good at bluffing— I’d had plenty of practice on Cozumel.
I wondered if I could manage a reverse invisibility spell. “Be large,” I told my body. When I stepped into that room, I felt about the size of the Statue of Liberty. I held out my hand: “Give me the brooch, Baldy.”
She screamed like she’d seen a ghost. Jace turned around, his face white in the dim light. “Reeno! What are you doing here?” He looked like he was about to puke.
“Interrupting a burglary in progress. What does it look like?” I turned to Baldy. “Give me the brooch.”
She quit screaming and started yelling. “She can’t be here! She’s in Ojai.”
“I said give me the brooch. Or I’m going to take it.”
I guess the Statue of Liberty thing didn’t work. Baldy launched herself at me, knocking me down before I had a chance to brace. A.B. jumped on her back and dug in his claws, which started her screaming again.
“Shut up!” Jace said. “Be cool, man. You want the cops in here?”
A.B. wrapped his tail around her neck and tightened it, which did make her shut up. When she started gagging, I said, “Are you going to give me the brooch?”
“Uch! Uch!” she said, which I took for “yes,” since she tried to nod at the same time.
“All right, Snookums,” I singsonged. “You can let go of Baldy now.”
The Beast sprang off her and parked himself in front of Jace, growling like he thought he was Cujo.
Baldy rolled off me and managed to get to a kneeling position, staring me in the face. She had guts, I’ll give her that. “My name is Tabitha.�
��
I sat up. “Give me the brooch, Baldy.” I held out my hand again.
“I don’t have any roach! Are you crazy? We’re not doing drugs here, we’re on a job.”
Jace sighed. “She means the jade pin, stupid.”
“Oh. Well, why didn’t she say so?” Her voice had a high, whiny quality; it was really grating. Her fingers went to her boob and she started to undo the clasp. I stood up, dusted myself off and held out my hand, silent, till she plopped it in my palm. I stuck it in my pocket and addressed my former good buddy.
“Jace, I really didn’t figure you for a two-timing turdball. But just for the record—” here I turned to Baldy “—I never was his girl friend. He was just a kid whose Daddy had lock picks.” It was true. The most attractive thing about Jace had been his Dad’s locksmith business. He’d always had a crush on me, but I’d… well, to tell the truth I’d played him. Suddenly I realized I’d never do that to one of the Rangers. What had I been thinking?
“Liar!” Jace yelled, and he tried to jump me, but A.B. climbed up on his chest and dug all eighteen claws in.
“Aiiiyeee!” Jace hollered, and I said aloud, “Off, Snookums.”
You’d have thought he was Lassie the way that cat obeyed when it suited him. He hit the floor with a thud, leaving Jace staring in amazement at the blood seeping through his T-shirt.
“That’s no normal cat!”
“No kidding.”
“What is that thing?”
A.B. threatened him with a growl.
“Watch out, he understands English.” I said sweetly. “That thing is a Mexican Fighting Cat. We have a whole herd of them where I’ve been.”
“I never— uh— heard of anything like that.”
“There’s a lot of things you never heard of, Horatio. This school where I’ve been? It’s no average everyday school. They’re doing top-secret research there, little kiddies. That Bad Girl thing is a cover.”
“Gimme a break!” Jace said. Tabitha was respectfully silent.
“Snookums, do me a favor, will you? Leave Jace alone while he repairs the damage here, okay?” I nodded at an open pillowcase on the floor, next to a flashlight. “You’ve got it in there, right? The rest of Mom’s jewelry?”
“Look, Reeno, I know you never liked your mother. I thought you’d want me to…”
“To what? Come in here with some bald chick and steal my mother’s jewelry? Oh, yeah, and insult my picture? Tell me, Snookums, would I like that?”
Snookums growled.
“Put it back, Jace, and I’ll tell you what you’re going to do next. Meanwhile, Baldy, you call Morgan on her cell phone and tell her to get her butt in here.”
Baldy stammered, “I… uh…”
“Look, I know you’ve got a cell phone and I know she’s outside in the car. This is my crew, remember? I designed the whole program. Call her.”
Baldy hit the phone. “Morgan? Yeah, everything’s okay, but we’ve hit a snag. Reeno’s here. Yeah, Reeno. Could you, uh, come in for a minute?” She paused. “Yeah, I know that’s not how we do it, but she…”
I snatched the phone out of her hand. “Get your butt in here, Morgan. Or I call 911.” I kept the phone and said to A.B., “Guard these two while I let Morgan in.”
I did the Statue of Liberty thing again and opened the door to a distraught Morgan. The little gray cat from next door ran in with her. “Oh, hi, Rosebud. The more the merrier. Morgan, you’re a Class-A sleaze case.”
“It was Jace’s idea. He said…”
“Yeah, yeah. Get upstairs.”
We started up, “What are you doing here, Reeno? We thought you were at school.”
“Obviously. Look, I’m not going into detail, but I’m here on a mission. I work for the government now and…”
“You what?”
“I was recruited, igmo. Thief, spy— I have talent, what can I tell you? That school thing’s a cover.”
“Bull! You ran away!”
We entered Mom’s room. “Oh, really? Have you met my kitty? Do a trick for her, Snookums.”
And to my amazement, not only Snookums but sweet little Rosebud performed a dance. They jetéed into the air simultaneously, executed double somersaults in opposite directions and landed, one on Jace’s head, one on Morgan’s, not even clawing, just balancing perfectly.
“Nice!” I said, whereupon they hopped to the floor, stood up on two legs, and came back down to four in a perfect bow. “Bravo!” I yelled spontaneously. It really was impressive.
“Did you ever see cats like that?”
“Uh—”
Jace said, “That’s no Mexican Fighter— that’s just Rosebud, from next door.”
“What I’m trying to tell you, Snookums is a genetically altered specimen from our lab. Among his other talents.”
“What other talents?” Morgan asked.
“Show her, Baldy. Lift up your T-shirt.” The fight was gone out of Tabitha. She whirled, and raised her T-shirt to show her mangled back.
“Foiling burglaries,” I said.
“Don’t mess with him, Morgan,” Jace said. “That cat’s bad news.”
“As I was saying, among his other talents, he can actually summon and command other cats. Right, Rosebud?”
“Meow!” said Rosebud, doubtless on a signal from A.B.
“By the way, Snookums, did they behave themselves while I was gone?”
A.B. growled and jumped up on Jace’s right leg, like a dog. He clawed at the pocket. I held out a hand, “Give, Jace. Down, Snooks.”
Sheepishly, Jace reached in his jeans and took out my mom’s diamond stud earrings.
“For Baldy?” I said. “She’d look better in a pair of fish hooks.”
“Anything else, Kittykins?”
A.B. actually shook his head in the “no” gesture. Full of surprises, that cat.
“Okay, are you people convinced?”
No one said a word. Meaning they were convinced, all right— convinced they were in a nightmare about a crazy woman.
“Good,” I said. “Now you’re all going to help me carry out our mission. Who’s got money?”
“I do,” Tabitha said.
“Put it on the bed. Who else?”
“You’re robbing us?” Jace whined. “That’s low.”
“Yeah, right. Give it up.”
Jace put his money on the bed.
“I don’t have any,” Morgan said.
I said, “Search her, Snookums.” A.B. ripped off her jeans pockets. A ten-dollar bill fell out. “Okay. Punish her.” He jumped onto her chest, wrapped his tail around her neck, and tightened it till I said, “Enough.”
I was glad he didn’t really hurt her. I’d seen enough blood for one night, but Morgan was the only one who hadn’t seen what he could do. I didn’t want her thinking she could get away with something later.
“Now, crew, I’m going to tell you about our project. It involves aliens.”
“You mean, like, illegals?’ Jace said.
I gave him a withering look. “I mean, like, UFO’s.”
“Right,” he said in a neutral tone. Maybe these guys weren’t buying it, but that was no reason not to spin a story. Combat Tactic Nine: “When possible, pull a hustle.”
“Guess what about aliens? The E.T. kind.”
They looked obligingly blank.
“There is certain evidence to show that they are planning an invasion of Earth within the next six months.”
The crew didn’t even react. I was crazy and they were going with it— end of story.
“And there is further evidence that they can be easily stopped. They happen to be vulnerable to an ordinary, everyday substance, easily obtained by anyone on Earth who can get to a supermarket.”
“Beer,” Morgan said. “You want us to buy you some beer.” She sounded supremely exhausted.
“Chocolate.”
“Chocolate, “ Jace said, as in, “humor her.”
“We are now going chocolat
e-shopping.”
“Oh, sure.” Baldy was getting bold again. “The whole government ran out of chocolate and they’ve sent you to Santa Barbara to get some. To fight the aliens. I mean, if they can get it anywhere, why would they want to come here? And why would they send a kid?”
“That information is classified.”
Speaking telepathically, I said, “Okay, A.B., what can Rosebud do?”
“She’s authorized to maim, but not to kill.”
“Can she take care of Baldy?”
“Easily.”
“Okay.” I spoke aloud to the humans. “Here’s the plan. Morgan will drive Jace, Snookums, and me to Celebrity Von’s while Rosebud guards Baldy here. Tabitha, you make one move and that little gray kitty jumps up on your bald head and takes off your scalp. Understood?”
“She does and my parents sue!”
“I’ve heard if you get really bad scalp damage, your hair won’t grow back. Want to look like that— only scarred-up— for the rest of your life?”
She pouted, but she shut up.
“Jace and Morgan— throw your cell phones on the bed.” When they had obeyed, I took one, scooped up all the money, and said, “Let’s go. Morgan first, Jace second. Anybody gets out of line, and I call the cops on Baldy— or else sic Snookums on you two, whichever I’m in the mood for.”
Nobody spoke on the way to Celebrity Von’s, which is called that by the locals because it’s in an area where a lot of Hollywood people live. Since everybody in the neighborhood is more or less loaded, I figured it ought to have the best goody selection in town.
When we got there, I took the car keys from Morgan, leaving her and Jace with A.B. Then I went chocolate shopping. Ummm, boy, it was a kid’s dream— I got every kind of fancy chocolate bar, not to mention Snickers and Almond Joys and Three Musketeers, and little packs of mini-candy bars, and candy kisses, and chocolate syrup, and Oreos, and peanut butter cups, chocolate chips, and then, for good measure, chocolate chip cookies. My best score was a chocolate almond torte I found in the bakery section. I hated to be the one who brought tooth decay to the Mayans, but maybe they had good dentists. One thing I knew, it was never smart to underestimate them.
Morgan and Jace were pretty scratched up by the time I got back to the car. Some people just don’t learn.
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