by Kim Petersen
After a decade passed with no sign or word from her, he decided it was about time to move on with his life and forget about his beautiful “Lilly Pad”. Letting go of that vision was difficult, yet he realised it was necessary. He jettisoned his lucrative marijuana business and opened his own nightclub on Cavil Avenue. The club thrived, filling his bank account so much more than he could have ever possibly imagined. The blonde women faded and were replaced with a healthy new lust for elegant brunettes. Eventually, he tired of the constant parade of nameless, faceless women through his jaded bed and yearned to find someone special to share his life. A partner in crime, so to speak. But she had eluded him – until now. His “Lilly Pad” was back, and he was not about to let her walk away from him so easily this time around.
He watched and waited for her answer. He waited like a little worm on the end of a fishing line, dangling helplessly for its fate to be decided. He waited for what would next pass through those pink-glossed lips of hers.
She sat near to him, her brow knitted together in deliberation while she contemplated what he was trying to express to her. She was unaware that his happiness hinged on her response.
“What exactly are you saying, Scott?” she asked. The intensity of his stare began to unnerve her as she fidgeted with her fingers.
She isn’t going to make this easy, Scott thought with a trace of irritation.
“Lilly, I am saying I want to come with you. Let me be the man you need in your life. I promise I will never hurt you like him; I will never let you down.”
There! She made me say it out loud. My pledge. My vow to her. Does she even realise how much she means to me?
She gave him a genuine smile. “I need some time to think, Scott,” Lilly announced as she rose to her feet. “It’s just too early to bring anyone else into my life just now.”
Scott nodded. “I understand,” he reassured her with a smile. “The envelope contains everything you need to secure a bank account, passport and driver’s licence. You’ll find a birth certificate, a medical and social security cards; hell, there’s even a school certificate. You have been imbedded into the system as Kate Hunter.”
“Kate Hunter,” she whispered. Her new name sounded foreign to her.
He walked with her to a little green Datsun in the club’s parking lot, hugging her close before she got into her car and drove away. Scott continued to watch long after her little green car was out of sight. He wondered if her dissolve out of his life was to be a hasty one this time around. He chided himself, as he had done many times over their years apart, for not having the courage to tell her how he felt. He turned with a long sigh, and dawdled to his own car, hoping that he would see her before she disappeared again.
Chapter Ten
December 31, 1987
D ear Journal,
It has been almost three weeks since she’s left. Ace and I are slowly and grudgingly beginning to accept that she’s not coming back. I had hoped she might have missed us so much that she just had to come back or die. But I guess she doesn’t miss us at all. I guess the whisper inside her is much stronger than her love for her children. And I guess that I was wrong in thinking love is the only way.
I have been passing through the school holidays a mere shadow of my former self. Waiting. Hoping. Breaking. Feeling empty. But being strong for my 8-year-old brother, who thinks he has done something terribly wrong for our mother to leave us. Dad has been trying to make a happy home for us. I am stuck between hating him and needing him at the same time. He works a lot though, and when he’s home through the days, I spend much of the time with Emily and Damon. I have learned to cook dinners for us too, which keeps my mind occupied somewhat. But regardless of how much Dad tries, I am feeling lost and emptier than ever, and I know Ace has been left with a hole in his little heart for our mother too.
Dad says he has to go away for two to three nights to Queensland for work soon, which is odd because he has never before had to go away for work. He will be leaving me here to look after Ace. I am a little frightened at this prospect. And what if he doesn’t come back? What if he leaves us too? What then? I’m scared.
It is New Year’s Eve. Dad will be working a double shift, and since I can’t leave Ace alone, I have decided to have Emily and Damon here. Thank God for friends. They help in keeping my spark dimly lit.
If I focus hard enough and love hard enough, 1988 might just bring our mother back.
Maybe.
Millie xo
***
Emily leisurely stretched coconut oiled limbs on a towel as she soaked up summer rays. She pointed her slender toes while rolling over to her stomach in a provocative motion, deliberately trying to catch the attention of a group of teenage boys strolling past them on the beach. The frilled waistline of her yellow bikini fluffed about slightly as she turned over, settling just below her tight rounded little bottom. The boys gawked at her glistening slender body, nudging each other and wolf-whistling in approval. She swivelled around to gaze at them with eyes obscured beneath dark sunglasses, and flashed them a broad smile. She glanced over at Millie who lay beside her in a pink and lime green bikini. Emily rolled her eyes when she noticed her friend’s disinterest. Walkman headphones were clamped on Millie’s head, blasting INXS tunes into ears oblivious to their admirers who had set up camp near them.
Emily nudged her. “Millie,” she said, trying to break through her world of beating drums, guitars and the voice of Michael Hutchence. She nudged her again. “Millie.” She reached for an earphone and pulled it away from Millie’s ear. “Hey! Pussy-cat! Are you there?”
Millie pressed the stop button on the Walkman and shot Emily a puzzled look. “Pussy-cat?” she asked, raising darkly defined eyebrows.
Emily grinned, much like a Pussy-cat with mischief on her mind. “Yeah, and I like it. It suits you.” She discreetly gestured towards the group of four boys who were now bare chested and grooming themselves with oil. “Check it out,” she instructed.
Millie propped up onto her elbows and gazed at the boys. “And?” she asked, before dropping to her back again and reaching for the headphones.
Emily snatched them out of her reach. “Uh-ah,” she whined. “Talk to me, Millie! I’m kind of getting bored over here.”
She pulled two cigarettes from the pack laying between them. “The one with the wild brown curls is cute,” she said, delicately placing the two cigarettes between her lips and lighting both. “What do you think?”
Millie glanced back at the boys. “Yeah, I guess,” she said, trying to sound interested for her. I would’ve been interested in this conversation a few weeks ago, she thought, sighing and taking the smoking cigarette from Emily. She inhaled deeply, allowing the smoke to drift into her lungs, then exhaled, studying the smoke ring appear in front of her.
Emily eyed her friend sharply. “Tsk! You are not much help.”
“Sorry,” Millie muttered.
Emily noticed the downhearted expression written all over Millie’s face. She knew Millie was feeling lost and down since her mother had left, and she tried so hard to be supportive for her, only her way was trying to pry smiles and lift spirits. She had never been good at the mushy, nurturing side of things.
She placed her hand on Millie’s arm. “No, I’m sorry Pussy-cat.” Emily’s face softened. “I know you’re going through stuff. I just miss your happy face lately.”
Millie put her hand over Emily’s and gave her a little squeeze. “Thanks Em,” she said, showing a hint of a smile. “Can I tell you something?”
“Sure,” Emily nodded.
Millie paused and looked over at her friend with hesitation. Would Emily understand what she wanted to share with her?
“Every now and then I have these visions. I see beautiful angel wings,” she began, taking a deep breath. “It feels as though someone or something is attempting to communicate with me. When they come, my whole body comes up with goose bumps and tingles … it’s a nice feeling.” She paused, trying to j
udge Emily’s reaction.
Emily nodded for her to continue.
“I think the messages are about love and … well, connecting to some sort of higher all-knowing part of me. A part of myself that has a creative force using my thoughts. I kinda think it might be the creative source or angels reaching out to me … or even maybe a part of me that is the creator.” She twirled her fingers in the ends of her long hair. “You probably think I’m nuts. It’s stupid isn’t it?”
Emily sat beside her in silence, gazing out to the aquamarine waters of the bay. She thought of all the years her mother had forced her to attend Sunday morning church. It was something they had never practised when her father was alive. Some of those verses still stuck in her head, and she was keen to encourage Millie to keep talking.
She turned towards Millie. “First of all, I don’t think you’re nuts. I would have picked up on that by now! Second of all, when you mentioned the part where a part of you is the creator, it reminded me of a verse in the Bible when Jesus says, “It is not written in your law, ‘I said, ‘You are gods?’ John 10:34.” Emily paused as she meditated on another verse related to Millie’s announcement. Matthew 19:26 – “Jesus also told us, ‘With God all things are possible’.” Emily smiled as she looked at Millie again. “Something to think about maybe?”
Millie considered Emily’s quotes from the Bible, a book she had never picked up, nor contemplated doing. “I might be right then. A part of me is the creator? That would explain the power of thought then,” she murmured as her body began to tingle.
Emily shrugged. “Interpret it as you want Pussy-cat, but I guess we all carry a part of the creator, whatever we choose to call him … or her,” she said, grinning. “I think it’s pretty cool you have those visions though. Wish I saw angel wings.”
Out of the corner of her eye she saw the wild-haired boy strutting in their direction. “Oh, look out!” She nudged Millie with a soft squeal before he was standing in front of them.
Light blue board shorts hugged strong upper legs and toned buttocks. A dimpled bright-brown eyed smile beamed down at them. He carried a can of soda in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. “Hi,” the boy said to Emily, his voice wavering.
Emily returned the smile with an enticing tongue flicked over moistened cherry lips. “Hi, I’m Emily, and this is Millie.” Emily gestured towards her friend.
He acknowledged Millie with a brief “Hi” and turned his attention back to Emily. “I’m Ryan. Want to go for a swim?”
Emily felt conflicted as she glanced at Millie. She really wanted to go for a swim with Ryan – He’s a hunk – but felt obligated to stay with Millie and finish their conversation.
Millie noticed how Emily looked at the boy, and smiled. “Go,” she said, holding up her Walkman, “I have to get back to my date with Michael anyway.”
She welcomed some time alone to ponder the verses Emily had just brought to her attention. And how they might fit with all she was trying to figure out.
Emily was on her feet in a flash. “Let’s go!” They walked off towards the water together, already engaged in excited chatter. She turned briefly to glance at Millie. “See you soon Pussy-cat,” Emily called over her shoulder.
Millie watched Emily and Ryan as they started running to the waiting waves. She noted his physique. Hmmm … strong masculine calves. He’s got to be at least eighteen. She could hear Emily’s laughter while he took her hand, leading her in deeper before they plunged into the salty spray of the waves. Millie took in the view of the beach as she sipped on a bottle of spring water. Her attention was captured by an elderly man at the water’s edge. The long brown slacks that covered his dry old skin were pulled up to wobbly knees. He was standing in the water, digging his feet into soggy sand while the wavelets of the bay collided gently with his legs. Greying eyes that had seen a lifetime, peered out as he stood enjoying the simple feeling the sand and salty air gave him. Millie watched mesmerised as he closed his eyes and tilted his head, catching the warmth of the sun. He smiled to himself as though finding a secret. As she watched him, she realised the significance of the simple smile he offered the world. He was displaying the same appreciation as she had of her garden and the emerging life within it. Her eyes now saw the beach afresh. She saw the clean white sand, and she breathed in the cool salty breeze that blew across the tiny hairs of her skin. She saw the wide reach of the bay, and the heads that stood sentinel to the ocean behind. She too closed her eyes, feeling and absorbing her environment with all her senses, and for the first time since her mother had left, she began to feel appreciation. And for a fleeting moment, she was at one with the man standing in the shallows, and all her surroundings. I am ok, she thought purposely. Then she lay back down on her towel to enter another oasis – INXS.
***
Emily broke away from Ryan’s strong playful grasp in a fit of giggles. She hastened towards one of the two floating pontoons enclosed within the shark nets of the bay. Long swimming strokes propelled her to the deserted pontoon. She glanced over her shoulder between strokes, squealing to see him hot on her tail. Thanks to years of swimming lessons, Emily was confident in the water, but he was a strong swimmer too, with longer arms and stronger legs. She swam faster, determined to reach the pontoon before him. She looked ahead almost out of breath as the pontoon came within an arm’s reach. She reached out in triumph to the chrome railings that edged the green slimy stairs that led to the pontoon platform. As she began to haul herself out of the water, she felt a strong arm encircle her waist and tug her forcibly back into the deep. She held her breath as she went under in a flurry of bubbles. She kicked against him, trying to escape his unyielding grip. He guided her up to the surface to catch a breath, both of them laughing as they splashed in the water.
With his wild hair stuck wet against his face, Ryan pulled her closer and looked into her eyes. “You’re very pretty,” he said.
Emily returned his gaze with a hint of challenge. “And you’re very cute.” She circled her arms around his neck, tangling small fingers among wet curls.
Ryan paddled them to the steps of the pontoon, holding her petite body close to him. Balancing himself on the edge of the bottom step for support, he positioned her on him in a straddle and brought eager salt-tarnished lips down on hers. Emily’s lips obliged at once, parting as lips and tongues came in contact. His hand groped at her bikini top as he flicked the yellow swimsuit material easily up over her breasts, revealing provocative deep pink nipples that swelled in invitation to his mouth. He took one large nipple between his lips and began to suckle gently, flicking the erect flesh with his tongue. Her blonde head fell back as she pushed her breast into his mouth. A low blissful moan escaped her lips, encouraging his desire. He reached down and slid her bikini panties to the side. The pulsating hardness of his groin entered the soft, sweet well between her legs before she realised what was happening. He grasped her hips firmly and thrust into her with grunting force. Pink nipples danced in front of his face while he tried to catch one between eager lips. Moments later, he peaked in a groaning climax, burying brown curls between her nipples as he lost himself in the intensity of the moment which was over as quickly as it had begun. Emily pushed off him, allowing herself to sink beneath the water while she adjusted her bikini in a mixed state of bewilderment. What the hell was that? Her mind raced as she fought conflicting feelings of loss of control and the alluring power she had over him. She broke the surface as she came up for air, and pushed past him to haul herself up to sit and rest on the pontoon.
Ryan came up to sit beside her. He was grinning broadly at the score. “Hey, that was fun!” he remarked boyishly.
She didn’t respond as her eyes stayed fixed ahead of her. “Are you okay, Emily?” He pried, a little uncertain now.
Emily turned to him coolly. “Of course!” She flashed him a curt smile. “It was fun.” She stood up, stretching her slim pale body, now turning a little crimson in the sun. “I have to get back.”
&nbs
p; “Wait! When can I see you again?” he said.
Emily shrugged. “My friend’s house tonight if you’d like?” she said, feeling more certain of what had just transpired between them.
Besides her stepfather taking liberties, she had never been so intimate with a boy before. I guess Drew was right after all, Emily thought of her stepfather’s disturbing whispers. This is what boys wanted and expected of her. But she was learning fast that she could use her alluring qualities to her advantage.
“Great!” Ryan replied, as she glided away from him and dived back in the water.
Emily swivelled in the water to look back at him. “You ain’t seen nothing yet! My loving will make you weak at the knees!” she shouted with a grin, and swam off in long strokes back to the shore.
“It already has,” Ryan said to himself.
***
Ace looked up at his big sister from his pillow. “Millie, since tomorrow will be the beginning of a new year, do you think Mum will come back to us?” Benny Boy was clutched in one arm and optimism filled his young eyes.
Millie stopped fussing around with his bedding, readying herself to lay beside him as was their bedtime ritual since their mother had left. She recognised the innocent faith held in those eyes watching her with expectation. She smiled and wished with all her heart that she could make his world right again. “I hope so,” she said, climbing into the bed beside him. She leaned towards him and planted a big kiss on one rosy cheek. “Love you.”
Little arms encircled her neck and held on tight for a moment. Ace buried his face in her long tresses and took a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly as he did so. He breathed in the comforting scent that reminded him of the mother he missed so much. He pulled away gently to bask in the love of his sister’s tender smile, realising with an unwavering sense that she would never abandon him as his mother had. Millie had filled the role his mother had left open. She was his rock – his safe place.
“Did you know that seeing somebody else smile actually makes you happier, Millie?”