by Kim Petersen
Millie placed two mugs on the bench-top and aimed a subtle frown at Emily. “Such nonsense you talk, Em. You know you are always welcome here.”
She rested her eyes on her friend. “What’s going on sweetie?”
She knew Emily had come here to seek her out for more than just a friendly hello, and she knew her friend’s life with the twin’s father, Chad, had been recently plagued with torment.
“He’s getting worse.” Emily squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, trying to shake off her tears. “He is sleeping with someone else. He didn’t even bother coming home last weekend. When I asked him where he had been, do you know what he told me?”
Millie hated seeing Emily being treated this way, and especially with the twins in her care. She knew since the arrival of her twins, Emily had been struggling with postnatal depression, and the extra stress Chad imposed on her friend would only add to it.
“He said he spent the weekend with a real woman,” Emily said, bursting into tears.
She covered her face with her hands and sniffled, and appeared so frail that Millie was scared that she might fall from the wooden stool she was sitting on. Chrome bangles clanked against the bench-top as Emily slumped over. Mascara streaks streamed down her chalky skin.
Millie stood behind her and cradled her in her arms. “Shhh … it’s okay sweetie. It’s okay.”
“I don’t know what to do,” Emily cried.
She lifted her head and turned her tear-stained face towards Millie, grave blues narrowed while the lines of her brows furrowed for a moment in serious contemplation. “There is no way I can raise those two boys on my own.”
Taking the stool next to Emily, Millie focused on her friend and the extent of the words that she had just divulged. “Em, listen. You are not alone! I can help you with the twins. You don’t have to accept Chad’s treatment of you and the boys. There are solutions, and I can help you work it out.”
Emily shook her head. “There is nothing you can do, Millie,” she murmured.
“Sure there is. You and the twins can move back here with us for awhile.”
“There is no room for me plus two.”
“We can make room!” Millie said, grasping at her hair. “We’ll just be like sardines for a bit,” she said, trying to lighten the mood.
When she had discovered her pregnancy, it hadn’t taken long for Millie to decide that she wanted to move away from her father. Besides, not envisaging Emily’s departure from her bed any time soon, spurred the idea into realisation. Millie had figured that if she could find a full-time job, Emily would make the perfect housemate instead of bed mate. Emily jumped at the idea, and within weeks the two girls had secured the beachside apartment that Millie now still occupied with her daughter. Emily was with them for the next three years and became a second mum to Arella as she assisted with the care of the baby. Emily took turns during the night feeds so Millie could get some rest; she changed soiled nappies and gave Arella baths. And on Saturday mornings, they would walk to the park together.
It had been on one of those Saturday morning strolls that Emily met Chad Turner – the love of her life, or so she had thought. She had been pushing twelve-month-old Arella on the swing when he had offered them each a lollipop. His jet black hair coupled with his brooding chocolate brown eyes had been enough to send her into shivers of excitement all that morning. It was a thrill that grew and matured over the next weeks of dating Chad into something far deeper. And to her surprise, Emily realised late one night that for the first time she was in love.
Love, Emily found, knew no time nor limitations. It wasn’t long before Emily said goodbye to the apartment she had shared with Millie and Arella, and moved in with Chad. Life had been good when lived in love. She would go into work every day drifting on a silver-lined cloud, a smile never far from her lips. She would hurry home each afternoon to fix Chad his dinner, and afterwards they would sometimes watch some television together, while at other times they would go for a walk if the weather and mood fancied them. And at the end of every evening, their bedroom blazed with the fire of passion.
Life had been good when lived in love, and for the very first time, Emily thrived with every embrace, kiss, and awakening beside him. Never had she known such an intensity of passion, and never had she felt so protected. She dismissed his tendency to be possessive and domineering, and when he proposed one evening over a candlelit dinner for two, she accepted without hesitation.
Emily contemplated Millie’s offer. “I’ll give it some thought. Thanks Pussy-cat.” She forced a smile to ease Millie’s concern.
Life had been good when lived in love.
Emily stared at the hot milky broth in front of her as though it revealed the answers she sought. She sighed as the cries of her twin boys in the living room taunted her. Emily didn’t bother to look to Millie when she left to tend to her children. How could I have been so wrong about him? she thought as a fresh flood of tears streamed down her face. Dreary, muddled thoughts clouded the space in her mind like a dense fog, and she remembered the good years. A brief smile played on her lips as Emily remembered the love on his lips that had struck her heart like cupid’s arrow.
They were married a year later. Millie had been her bridesmaid in pale pink chiffon, and Arella her flower girl. Adorned in a simple black tailored suit, Chad had awaited her arrival under a garden arch festooned in lilac flowers, and when she approached dressed in an ivory silk gown, she felt profoundly contented. He was flawless. Her love knew no limits despite his growing paranoia every time she left the house. It only proved his love for her, she told herself. His nightly love-making had earned him the label of her sexy vampire.
When she discovered that she was pregnant with the twins, she jumped into Chad’s arms to share the news. They were to be a family! But to her dismay, he did not share her spirited sentiment. To the contrary, the news appeared to heighten his paranoia, and as each month passed, so too did Chad’s delusions of her deceitfulness. He disbelieved that the twins were his bloodline, and had convinced himself that she had been unfaithful. Emily’s cries of protest landed on deaf ears, until she had resorted to consoling herself that her husband would have a change of heart once he saw his sons, as they would most certainly reflect their father’s physical traits and he would forget this nonsense. As Chad’s animosity continued, Emily lost her joy in the pregnancy and started to resent it. Days grew grey and lonely and most nights were filled with tears and restlessness. When the time for the twin’s births had arrived, her husband was nowhere to be found. Her only support was in Millie, as she had avoided her family since Drew’s brutal beating for which her mother blamed her. Her brothers also sided with her parents.
Six months had passed since her boys were born, and the change of heart she had hoped to find in her husband did not come. The distance between them had grown to the point that Chad seemed to be disgusted with her presence, and that of their children. She found no joy in her new role as a mother, and had become a lost soul trapped in a numb body that barely made it through each day.
Life had been good when lived in love.
***
Craig listened to Millie’s worried banter about her friend. His cheeks dimpled with his gentle smile. “It must be hard for you to see her in such a state.” He murmured while clasping his hand over hers.
She took a breath as if she were about to say something, then fell silent as she appeared to look right through him. “I … just feel helpless,” she finally uttered. “Thank you for listening, Craig.”
Millie’s fingers squeezed his big knuckles. Her smile was apologetic as she decided to steer the conversation to lighter subjects. But the background noise in her mind continued to hover over her concern for Emily and her babies, because try as she might, she was unable to convince her friend to stay over during her visit that afternoon. Instead, all she could do was drive Emily and her babies’ home through the windstorm.
Millie could not shake off the troubling feelings that
plagued her. She knew Emily had been dealing with Chad’s horrible attitude for some time now, and that she had been depressed after the birth of the twins, but there was something else she could not pin down. Something had shifted in her friend that afternoon; a certain compliance seemed to shadow her. It was as if all her hopes and happiness had been dashed and thrown astray. Maybe I could try and talk with Chad, she thought while Craig spoke to her about planning their wedding. Perhaps, if he realised how depressed she was.
“Country elopement perhaps then?” Craig’s dark brows lifted as they awaited her response.
“I’m sorry.” Millie cast a guilty grin towards him.
The sound of the telephone disrupted their disjointed conversation as they sat drinking some red wine in the comfort of the small lounge room.
“Hold that thought.” She moved to quell the strident noise before it awoke her sleeping daughter. “Hello?” she said into the phone.
Craig sprawled on the small two-seater lounge, almost consuming the whole of the plump couch while he watched her every elegant movement. He was sure it was a pastime he would never tire of. He appreciated the generous, shapely curve of her denim clad buttocks that extended into long slender legs tucked into knee-high boots. His gaze lingered on her ample breasts that swelled under the thin fabric of her bra. Her swan-like neck arched beneath her mahogany hair that tumbled loosely over slender shoulders, almost reaching the small of her back. Craig sat upright when he noticed her stiffen. His brow knitted with concern as he watched her almost lose her footing while she visibly reeled back in shock.
He stood and went to her side just in time to hear the muffled whisper that passed through her trembling lips.
“Mum? Where are you?”
Chapter Twenty-One
A freight train, balancing precariously on flimsy railroad tracks charged through her head at an alarming speed. The relentless wailing pierced through Emily’s ears. She squeezed her eyes shut. Just stop for God’s sake! She gritted her teeth and plunged her face under the feather down pillow, and turned her back on the cries issuing out of the nursery next to her room. Why won’t they stop? Just let me be … “Just let me be!” she shouted.
She knew Chad had already left for his job as a plumber. Most mornings he was gone long before she or the twins had woken, and most evenings he arrived home late when he knew she would already be in bed sleeping. Her mind drifted to the only relief she knew. If she could manage it, she would spend all her life asleep, because her only escape was when she was asleep. All she wanted to do now was go back to sleep, but they wouldn’t allow her. Her mind shifted back to the twins’ cries, which had reached a frenzy. It took every ounce of energy she could gather to leave the warmth of her bed.
“I’m coming … I’m coming,” she called to them. After all, she did love her baby boys. She just wished she could feel the same way about her life.
Emily paused to look at Lachie and Kaleb as they balanced on chubby legs, grasping the wooden posts of their cots for support. Identical chocolate eyes stared back at their mother as they both paused in their hysterics. Emily scuffled near them with her hair unkempt and a pink night dress that hadn’t seen the washing machine for five nights. Emily figured they could get a few weeks wear out of all their clothes before they ran out. She sighed heavily as she dragged her feet to tend to her children. I guess someone might have to wash something eventually. But that someone was not going to be her, because a few weeks ago she had a new idea. It had started as just the tiniest fantasy, but the more she thought on it, the more it had become a real option for her and the boys – a way out of this nightmare. Emily knew her plan was right for her and her little boys because even thinking about it gave her great relief. But first, before she could execute her plan, she had to give her husband one last chance to turn his hard-hearted actions around. It would be one last chance to claim and love their family before they would slip away from him forever.
She bent forward to pluck up one of the boys. Kaleb smiled and gurgled while clinging tightly to her nightdress. Emily drew nearer to Lachie who had bounced back to the soft mattress beneath him. Butterball fists climbed their way up the railings to stand proudly again as she closed in on him. Kaleb gave a happy squeal as they approached his twin, and his little pudgy fingers reached out for Lachie’s. Their eyes locked and they gurgled and giggled at each other as they became aware that a new day for them had begun and they would be taken out of their nursery.
The babbling banter of the twins penetrated through the haze that smothered her. Emily glanced down at Lachie teetering before her, and reached out to stroke the soft jet hair that crowned his small round face.
She allowed the faintest of smiles to soften her haggard face. “And what are you two talking about, eh?” she said.
The diversion was fleeting, as troubled thoughts of Chad filled her mind again. She set about changing the twins and preparing their breakfast in a pre-programmed and automated way. Every breath she drew almost felt like an objection, for life no longer shone without the love once known to her. Tonight I shall try and talk to Chad. Perhaps he will see before it’s too late. Perhaps.
***
Chad slowly steered his ute into the driveway of his home. Killing the engine, he continued to sit and finish off the joint he had lit a few blocks back. He closed his eyes and sank into the car seat, willing away the strain from a busy work day. He took a sip from a freshly cracked can of beer and crooned along with Gwen Stefani on the radio before casting his eyes up at his house. It hadn’t felt much like his house over the last year. Now it was filled with the family he had never wanted, and he felt like a stranger to them and to the house he had worked so hard to pay for. He had tried to dissuade Emily from keeping the pregnancy. He had been so happy when it was just the two of them. However, his pleas had fallen on deaf ears. For a little while he had toyed with the idea of being a father. He had seriously contemplated what life might be like once they arrived into the world, but no matter how much he attempted to adapt, he just couldn’t bring himself to want them. He knew that with every loathing glance and snide comment he made, that her heart was shattering. And yet, he could not stop because he felt her betrayal with each passing month. So, instead of telling her the truth about how he detested her pregnancy, he had turned the blame on her. He accused her of being unfaithful, ignoring her tearful pleas, until the pleading stopped. And when the twins arrived, his heart remained cold, and so too did his resentment for the woman responsible for ruining his life with the burden he didn’t want.
Six long and loud months had passed in which his home was transformed into a never-ending cycle of crying babies and a wife that he thought looked like a puffy-faced hag. This was exactly why he had never wanted children in the first place. Although, after all this time, those little mirror images of him might actually be growing on him. Just a smidgen, because when Emily wasn’t looking, he had taken to communicating with the twins, and to his surprise, discovered that he enjoyed it. But he would not dare tell his wife; not yet. He had not forgiven her betrayal of placing this burden on him against his will. He wanted her to suffer some more before he might consider playing family man with her. Let her stay a pawn in my game just a little longer before I play hers, Chad thought. After all, she had to learn her lesson.
“Bloody hell!” he muttered when he noticed the dim light of the bedroom still lit. She’s still awake. He slammed the car door and stalked towards the front door. He was in no mood to see his wife tonight. It would be when he was ready and not before.
He crept into the house, removed his greasy work boots and placed them neatly, as he did every night, at the tiled entrance. He made his way to the bathroom, undressed and stepped into the shower. He took his time showering with the hope that the house would be in darkness when he was done.
Chad peeked out from within the cloud of steam that wafted over him. A glance through the bathroom door met with disappointment. Not only was the light still on in the bedro
om, but a flood of light also issued out of the lounge room. After some hesitation deliberating over facing his estranged wife, he acquiesced.
Emily was standing in the corner under the light of the free-standing lamp when he entered the lounge room. She held a crystal framed photo of the two of them taken on their wedding day, and still hadn’t noticed his presence. Separated only by a lounge suite, a coffee table and several toys, she was startled when she became aware of him watching her.
She turned to face him, and drew in a deep breath. A tiny nervous laugh escaped her lips as she motioned to the frame she held before replacing the photo back to the side table.
“Better days.” Her smile wavered.
She summoned up the confidence she had once known well, and faced him again, lifting the dainty point of her chiselled chin. “Chad, I would like to have a quick chat.”
“What about?” His voice was gruff as he perched on a lounge chair. “And don’t start crying again, for God’s sake.”
Emily came to sit opposite him, giving her enough time to gather up the tiny scraps of courage that remained in her aching heart. “I am not doing so well, Chad,” she said.
Her stare pleaded with him.
Chad held her gaze, not offering a word in return. She fidgeted and bit at her already ravaged fingernails.
She drew a short, uneasy breath. “I … I mean we can’t keep living like this. It’s no good for any of us.”
“What is no good for any of us, Emily?”
Emily knew her husband would not make this easy for her, although she hoped he might finally be ready to cast aside the dominating ego he thrived on.
“Hope is a funny concept,” she said and gave a whimsical laugh.
The hope she held onto for the survival of their marriage seemed to be just a faint flicker at the end of a long dark tunnel. Hope paled in comparison to the power of faith she had heard Millie speak of a million times over the years. She vaguely recalled her friend attempting to convince her of the importance of faith over the years they had lived together in that little apartment. However, back then she had been way too busy living and enjoying her life, and dating new men between the wild partying at night clubs. She had brushed aside Millie’s talk of faith and thoughts, and creating our own experiences.