‘I’m sorry I made you wait, god Gabe I’m so sorry. I love having you inside me, please come for me, I want you so much,’ I begged. He continued to work himself inside me and I came again and again, yet still he showed no signs of slowing down. ‘Gabe, I can’t take anymore, I need you, please,’ I cried as I collapsed against him, limp and completely drained.
I heard him groan and he buried his face in my neck as he came. As he fell backwards against the slope of the bath, he took me with him in his arms. He held me tightly to his chest, one hand firmly clasping the nape of my neck, cradling my face into his shoulder as I sobbed and sobbed with relief. As my body slowly relaxed and I took some deep breaths I realised that he hadn’t said a word throughout, not called my name, my pet name or even uttered any obscenities. I automatically tensed up, something was off, something was wrong. I tried to pull back to look at him but his arms tightened around me and he firmly pushed my head back into his neck.
‘No don’t,’ he whispered.
‘Gabe what is it? What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?’ I asked as I stroked the back of his neck. He’d started to tremble and I could hear him breathing quickly, he sounded like he was having a panic attack. I struggled again to sit up, but he squeezed me even tighter. ‘Gabe you’re shaking. Please you’re scaring me, what’s wrong?’
He took a long deep sigh as I struggled to pull out of his arms. ‘I’m sorry I can’t do this’ he whispered.
I gasped as every muscle in my body went rigid with shock. It was like a double fisted blow to my stomach. “I can’t do this.’ He’d just said that, just said those words to me after the last few days? After what he’d said this morning? Suddenly I felt like I was having a panic attack. I started writhing in his arms again, but he held on so tightly I couldn’t get out, so I started hammering my fists on his shoulders.
‘Gabe let me go. I can’t believe you’re ending this and while you’re still inside me? Let. me. fucking. GO,’ I yelled.
I heard him gasp and he released me immediately and I sat upright trying to fight back the tears that were blurring my vision. I couldn’t even see his face properly to try and read on it what the hell had gone wrong. How could I’ve let this happen to me again? The first guy I’d really liked, let get close to me and he’d just dumped me?
‘O god no, I’m sorry that’s not what I meant, o shit Mia. Baby I’m so sorry that’s not what I meant,’ he said.
I could hear his voice breaking as he tried to pull me back to him. I pushed him away with my palms, even though he was still buried deep inside me I didn’t want his arms around me. I wiped my tears away confused and tried to scan his face for answers and I saw that he had some tears on his cheeks. He quickly tried to wipe his arm across his face but I grabbed it, stopping him as I drew in deep breaths. What the hell was going on? My head was spinning.
‘You’re not ending things with me?’
‘No, christ no Mia,’ he reached up and tried to wipe my tears away but I pushed his hand away.
‘You just said it to me Gabe. You just said the words “I can’t do this” I heard you.’
‘Mia I’m not breaking up with you … I ….’ he shook his head and looked down.
‘So what is it? It’s the sex isn’t it? Was it me? Wasn’t it good for you?’
‘No, it was amazing,’ he said with a heavy sigh.
‘Then I don’t understand. What’s going on Gabe? Talk to me, this isn’t fair.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘You made it clear I couldn’t talk to you about this.’
‘About what? Gabe my imaginations going crazy here, you can’t talk to me about what?’
‘This,’ he sighed as he grabbed my hand and placed it over his heart. It was pounding even faster than mine. I snatched my hand away and sat up straight.
‘This is about what you said to me this morning, about your feelings for me?’ He nodded, he couldn’t even look me in the eyes. ‘Why are you suddenly upset now? I thought we were ok? Gabe you look so broken. Talk to me.’
‘You’ll panic if I do, you’ll feel pressured,’ he whispered looking distraught.
‘Gabe I think I’ve shown you tonight that no one makes me do anything I don’t want to, so I’m telling you that no matter how I badly I may have reacted this morning I’m still here and I want you to talk to me and tell me what is going on. You promised not to lie to me and leaving things like this is as good as lying to me.’
‘I love you Mia, so much,’ he said in a rush and exhaled sharply. ‘I know it’s too soon, it’s way too soon. I also know that you don’t want to hear it, but I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings that I have for you. I’ve tried saying nothing all day and it’s not working for me, it’s eating me up inside. I need to be able to tell you, to show you.’
He glanced up at me quickly and I could see he was terrified of me bolting, part of me wanted to, he was so full on, but part of me thought about how I’d just felt when I thought he was ending our arrangement, it had hurt, really hurt. I didn’t want this to end. Could I just learn to deal with him sharing his feelings like this?
‘There I’ve said it now Mia, so if you‘re going to run, you’d better do it and do it fast. You’d better end it with me right now, before you hurt me anymore, because I can’t keep it in.’
‘I don’t want to end it Gabe, but you scare me. It’s too much. Why can’t you just feel what you want to feel and keep it to yourself?’
He shook his head and bit his lip. ‘No. I can’t, I won’t. What if I lost you and you’d never known how I felt? I couldn’t live with myself, not again.’
‘Not again? You didn’t lose me this morning Gabe, you told me how you felt and I had a bad reaction to it, which is my issue, but I’m still here aren’t I?’ I scanned his face confused. ‘Not again? You weren’t talking about me were you? Then who?’ He put his hand over his eyes and inhaled deeply and it hit me. ‘Your mum?’ I asked softly and I detected a slight nod from him. ‘O Gabe what happened, please talk to me,’ I grabbed both of his hands and held them tightly.
‘I can’t, I’ve never … ’
‘Gabe please,’ I watched him bit his lips.
‘Mia please don’t, just leave it.’
I took a deep breath and made an instant decision that I was going to set aside my issues and help him, this was about him, not me and for some inexplicable reason I wanted to help him, I wanted him to smile again.
‘Gabe,’ I said softly and ran my hands through his hair, stroking his forehead with my thumbs. ‘You just told me that you love me, if you can’t talk to me, who else can you talk to?’
‘It’s hard for me. I’ve never told anyone, not even my dad,’ he whispered as he took his hand away and quickly looked up at me, his face full of pain.
‘So share it. I always feel better when I’ve shared with Lexi. If you’re scared of it going any further, I promise you it won’t. I also promise that I’m not going to run ok? So talk to me.’
He sighed and I could feel his body trembling under me. I looked down at his face, but he looked down and remained silent for what seemed at eternity as I just stroked his hair. I didn’t know what else to do and it always soothed me. This was horrible, Gabe was so confident and in control, I hated seeing him broken like this. He suddenly spoke, slowly and quietly as he looked down at his chest. I had to strain to hear him.
‘It was Christmas eve. I was only 8 … I wanted to open one of my presents early and she … she said no. So I had a tantrum and told her … I told her I hated her. I didn’t, of course I didn’t. God I can still see her face, she was so hurt Mia …’
‘It’s ok, go on,’ I whispered as he stalled and I squeezed his fingers. He took another few deep breaths and stayed silent for a while, so did I, waiting.
‘I stormed up to my room and … and she came running up the stairs after me and … fell. She was … o god she was … 7 months pregnant and she
suffered massive internal bleeding and …’ he couldn’t continue and he started to sob and shake.
‘She died?’ I gasped in horror. He couldn’t even look at me, I released his hand and he covered his eyes again. ‘And the baby too?’ I whispered. He nodded and I felt tears streaming down my face as well and wiped them on my one arm as I ran my hand through his hair again.
‘It was my fault Mia and my last words to her were I hate you. I hate you.’
‘O Gabe, come here.’ I gently pulled him up towards me and wrapped my arms around him and kissed his hairline again and again and stroked his neck as my heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces in sympathy with his. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my chest. ‘What can I do?’ I whispered. ‘Let me help.’
‘Just hold me, please just hold me,’ he sobbed and I tightened my grip on him and lay my cheek on top of his head. ‘I can’t not tell you how I feel Mia, not after that, not again, please don’t ask me to do that.’
I got it, his possessiveness, his need to define our relationship. “I don’t like people leaving me” he’d said to me in the club. He was as scared of losing me, as I was of letting him in. I wondered if this was why he’d usually stuck to one night stands, was he as scared of getting attached to someone as I was? It made me question exactly what he’d seen in me then, to make him change his mind so quickly.
‘That must have been so traumatic for you Gabe, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through, but you were a child, it wasn’t your fault,’ I whispered. ‘You have the biggest heart Gabe Austin, even I can see that after only a week. Your mum will have seen it too. She’ll have known unequivocally that you loved her, just as she’ll have loved you, her own son, with all of her heart.’ I kissed the top of his head and his breathing began to slow as I continued to stroke his hair and the back of his neck, as I gently rocked him. ‘Sssshhhh I’m right here Gabe, I’m not going anywhere. We can sit here as long as you need to ok?’ I whispered and kissed his hair again and felt him nod.
The foam bubbles had all popped away and my legs started to seize up, there was a clock right opposite me, but I never once looked at it. I imagined losing my mum or Lexi and the thought of it was awful. He needed someone now and that happened to be me, so I wasn’t moving a muscle until he was ready to. As the water finally turned from lukewarm to cold he raised his head off my chest and stared into my eyes with a look of tenderness and awe.
‘Thank you,’ he whispered.
‘Thank you for trusting me to tell me,’ I whispered back as I took his face in my hands and softly kissed his lips, he responded so gently I no longer felt the coldness of the water, or the aching of my legs.
He hung onto me tightly and lost himself in our kissing for a few minutes and I felt him harden again inside me, but sex was the last thing on my mind. I was still worried about him, to have gone through that and never have spoken to anyone about it was awful. When he came up for air, I carefully lifted myself up and off him and stepped out of the bath, holding out my hand for him to follow. I pulled the plug out of the bath as he removed the condom that was still attached to him and I undid the catch on the remaining handcuff and let it clatter to the bathroom floor as he reached around my back and removed my cold wet bra and squatted down to peel my sodden stockings from my thighs, kissing each in turn.
‘God you’re freezing Mia,’ he whispered. He grabbed my dressing gown off the back of my door and wrapped it around me tightly and kissed my forehead. I handed him a towel which he secured around his waist. As he brushed his teeth, I threw my clothes in the laundry and refilled our water glasses and put them in the bedroom. He was crouched down putting his folded jeans and clean underwear into the bottom drawer and smiled up at me.
I went to brush my teeth and as I finished and turned around he was standing behind me, naked, with a condom on his fresh erection. He didn’t say a word, he just lifted me straight up so that my eyes were level with his, my feet dangling and carried me back to the bedroom switching off the bathroom and main bedroom lights as he went through. He’d just left the one bedside table on, which gave a warm soft pink glow to the room. He stood me up at the side of the bed and slowly untied my dressing gown letting it drop to the floor then he scooped me back up into his arms and carefully laid me down in the bed, climbed over me and very gently entered me as I gasped.
He remained silent and never even kissed me as he gazed down at me. I just followed his lead, he obviously needed this. He just held me by the gently by shoulders and I gripped his biceps and our eyes never lost contact he slowly made love to me and I rose and fell to meet him. All I could hear was the sound of our breathing. This wasn’t fucking, it wasn’t raw sex for sex’s sake. I just felt a need in him to connect with me in the most tender, gentle and intimate way he knew how. Even without any frantic pumping, stroking, licking, kissing, sucking or words, I felt a deep connection to him this time, so as we came together our eyes still locked, it felt even more intense than ever and I cried.
This time when he whispered the words ‘I love you,’ as he searched my eyes, I took a deep breath so as not to panic. He kissed me and I kissed him back and held him tight. He pulled the duvet back over us and we fell asleep entwined in each other’s arms.
Tuesday
I woke up to the sounds of the dawn chorus of rubbish trucks and street sweepers passing by in the street below, to find he was curled protectively around me. His chest pressed into my back, his arms holding me tightly and his leg hooked over mine. I couldn’t get out even if I wanted to, but I didn’t, I liked the feeling of security it gave me. So I drifted back off to sleep contended.
The next time I woke, it was with a start and I opened my eyes to find him kneeling on the bed between my legs smiling. He’d pulled the duvet off me and was inspecting my body again, sporting a fresh erection. I smiled and went to reach out to touch him and felt the chill of metal cut into my wrists. I gasped, he’d retrieved the hand cuffs and had managed to secure my hands to the bedhead, without even waking me. I looked back at him my eyes wide.
‘I warned you last night what would happen when I got free,’ he smiled as he ran his fingers over my stomach. I felt a tsunami of moisture surge between my legs, he really was going to punish me. The upset boy of last night had gone, confident Gabe was back with a vengeance and he was so hot.
‘Unless you use the words “I quit” I’m going to assume that I’ve got free reign to do whatever I want to you. Unless you say that, I won’t stop even if you beg me to Mia. Are we clear?’ he asked, repeating the words I’d used to him last night. I bit my lip and nodded excited. ‘Tell me Mia. What words do you need to use if I’m hurting you in any way?’
‘I quit.’
‘Already?’ he grinned.
‘No, no I’m ready for you, I’m so ready for you Gabe.’
‘Tell me what do you want me to do to you?’
‘Everything.’
‘I need you to be more specific Mia.’ He knew this would embarrass me, he was enjoying it.
‘I want you to kiss and touch me all over and stick your fingers and tongue into me and I want you to fuck me until I beg you to stop,’ I whispered as I felt my cheeks heat up.
‘Are you wet yet?’
‘Yes,’ I whimpered.
‘Why are you wet?’ he smiled his head on one side observing me.
‘For you, I only have to look at you.’
‘Who’s in charge this morning?’
‘You,’ I whispered.
‘Sorry who?’ he grinned.
‘YOU,’ I cried out, beyond excited.
He lowered himself to hover over me, raised up on his elbows and kissed me forcefully and I strained against my restraints to lift my head up to kiss him back harder, his hand grasped my right breast and squeezed it so tightly I gasped in shock. He bent his head and bit it hard and sucked. I could tell I was going bruise, he was testing my resolve and I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. He reached d
own and rubbed my clit firmly until I started moaning before he forced three fingers upside me.
He was being as rough as he could without actually deliberately trying to hurt me. Somehow I already knew that I trusted him. I trusted him implicitly to know how far he could push me without crossing the line. I tried to circle my hips around his probing fingers, but he held my stomach down firmly, letting me know he was controlling the pace not me. As my back tried to arch up into my first orgasm, his restraining hand made it all the more intense, as I’d no choice but to let it hit me hard, there was no escaping or delaying it and I turned my head to the side and buried my face into my arm as it happened and I groaned. I clenched tightly expecting him to remove his fingers and give me a minute to catch my breath again, but he carried on.
‘God you’re wet, you’re absolutely soaking. I love that I can do this to you Mia,’ he sighed. I moaned loudly and tried to pull myself away from his invading fingers. ‘Don’t fight it baby. I’m going to make you come again and again. I warned you.’ His fingers continued stroking me inside as he shuffled down and took my already sensitive clit gently between his teeth. I began to shudder again as I called out his name and he sucked, probed and licked me to another orgasm, then removed his fingers and inserted his tongue as his thumb worked on me.
‘God Gabe, you’re so good at that, don’t stop, please don’t ever stop,’ I groaned. My eyes rolled into the top of my head and as another orgasm hit me I felt his finger, slick from my arousal, move down and start to run around the rim of my bottom. I was on fire, pleasure overload, and tightly gripped the bedpost separating my hands as he inserted first one finger and then a second, I felt stretched further than I’d ever been. He lowered his head and flicked my clit with his tongue before he thrust it in and out of me as his fingers worked in my rear. I clenched my thighs around his ears and banged my feet hard up and down on the mattress.
New Leaves, No Strings (Austin Erotic Romance Series) Page 24