That was the last thing she had written in the ‘Book of Hate’. She had apologised for all the other terrible things written inside the notepad, and promised that she hadn’t meant any of them. She had told her family how much they meant to her, and that the happiest moments of her life had been when she was with them, and with Harry.
Please forgive me for being so difficult. I’m so sorry to have to say goodbye this way, because I know it will hurt you, but I’ve no choice. Goodbye.
Now, watching her mother reach the end of the farewell note, and the pain it inflicted, Ruby was horrified. But she knew she couldn’t face living another day.
‘I’m a freak,’ she repeated. ‘I can’t go on.’
‘Let me help you, Ruby. Please. I have let you down so badly. But let me help you now. We can get through this, together.’
Her mum was begging her. The usual tone, the distance she always kept between herself and her daughter, had disappeared. Perhaps it was an act; after all, her mother had betrayed her before, had said she would be on her side against Dad and that Ruby would be able to leave the private school. She didn’t know what to believe. Mum sounded so sincere.
Her mum’s warmth melted her resolve. Ruby began to rock, cradling the gun now, the only solid, reliable thing she could cling to. She needed the pain to stop. She needed her mum to shut up! Ruby’s thoughts were becoming a confusing whirl and she couldn’t seem to grab onto a single one and hold it for more than a second.
‘No, no, I don’t trust you. And you’ll send Mouse to that same school. You’ve got her a smartphone for Christmas, Mum. She’s only eight, and you’re opening her up to a world of hate. She’s weird. She reads all the time and says odd things, and is way older than she should be, but way more childish, too. She’ll get torn apart out there, cyber bullied non-stop. I – I’ve tried to toughen her up, for her sake, but she doesn’t get it – she keeps drawing me bloody pictures to cheer me up, when I’m a total bitch to her. Think what the bullies will do with someone that soft.
‘I love her to bits, and the thought of someone hurting her kills me. I have to protect her, no matter what. I have to save her from the same pain I’ve suffered. That’s why I thought it would be better if… if she… if she died before the torture starts. But now I know the only way to save Mouse is if I kill myself. Then you’ll take more care to protect her.’
* * *
Harry crept through the house, hoping that no one was up yet and he would get to Ruby in time. Through the kitchen he went, the dining room, the living room, past the entrance of Ruby’s dad’s study…
Jeez! Her dad was in there.
Harry froze, giving a sharp intake of breath. Benjamin’s own breath caught, then sighed out. Phew, he was fast asleep. His head slightly back, mouth open a tiny amount. He looked dead to the world, his breathing shallow. Despite the circumstance, Harry couldn’t help grinning when he thought of how shocked Benjamin would be if he woke and saw the teenager standing over him. The yell of surprise he’d give. He’d wet his pants, for sure. It was almost worth it for that.
But no, Harry had far more serious things to do than scare Mr Thomas. Moving even more cautiously now, Harry slipped through the darkness. It wouldn’t be long until everyone started to stir to open their presents. He didn’t have much time left. And this had to work. It had to. He and Ruby were soulmates, meant to be together. He couldn’t let her hurt the people she loved. If she did it, the best-case scenario was she’d be locked up for life; in which case, his mum would probably never allow him to see her again.
The worst-case scenario was that Ruby would kill herself after the massacre. Harry couldn’t live without his girl.
As he crept along the landing, he had a sudden thought. Mouse. She was always into everything, always hanging around. What if she heard something? He couldn’t risk her overhearing what he was going to say to Ruby – and also, he couldn’t risk the kid getting hurt if he couldn’t stop his girlfriend from her killing spree.
He tiptoed over to the youngster’s bedroom door, wondering how he could block it. It opened inwards, so putting anything against it was useless. He saw the nail poking out of the doorframe, pointing at him accusingly, and had an idea. Tugged the shoelace out of one of his boots, then wrapped it around the protruding nail and the doorknob. That should keep it secure.
* * *
Mouse’s eyes flew open. She’d heard something. She was sure of it. Was someone sneaking around?
Santa.
Grabbing her teddy, she slipped her feet into her slippers, thought for a moment, then kicked them off again. She could move around more quietly if she had bare feet.
Hugging Ted tightly, she padded over to her door. Placed her ear against the cool wood and listened. Was that someone out there? She dropped to her knees and peered through the crack under the door, trying to see if she could make out a shadow moving.
There. She was certain she had seen something. She strained to listen and, yes, there it was, footsteps.
She waited for the person to move away, counted to ten to be certain, because she didn’t want Father Christmas to know she was awake, then turned the door handle. But the door wouldn’t budge.
Fear shivered through her. Until she remembered her dream, which had seemed so real. Aslan had wanted her to be brave.
So she would be.
Ninety-Eight
Why hadn’t Dominique known something was going on with Ruby? Why had she been so eager to write it off as simply her ‘being a typical teenager’? The guilt weighed her down. Shock, too. She couldn’t get past Ruby’s words.
‘The only way to save Mouse is if I kill myself.’
Dominique was a mum, it was her job to see what was happening, to realise. It was her job to look after her children. She hadn’t, too busy getting her hair done and choosing the right carpet, ornament, top, whatever. Too busy worrying about dreams to see reality unravelling.
Dealing with something of this magnitude, though, left her utterly clueless.
She swallowed, trying to free the words that refused to come.
‘Sweetheart,’ she said, finally, ‘I know you want to spare Amber the pain you’ve felt but, Ruby, darling, this isn’t the way. There are other ways to end this torture – and protect you and your little sister.
‘I know you believe that your father and I don’t care, but think about it: what is the meaning of my life without my kids? When I’m on my deathbed, I won’t be looking back on all the nice houses I’ve lived in, the clothes I’ve worn, the designer stuff I’ve owned. None of that matters. What matters is being able to look back on a life filled with love. What matters is you and Amber, and knowing that I have raised you well, loved you with all my heart and always done right by you. And if I have let you down then I am so, so sorry.’
Dominique felt with all her soul that she had just one shot at winning her daughter over. The words came out in a rush, straight from the heart.
‘Let me make it up to you, Ruby. Please. I don’t deserve any favours from you, I know, but give me the gift of a fresh start. Let me get to know you again. Help me to be a better mum, and protect you and Amber, and be there for you both. I want to, sweetheart, with all my heart. I’m devastated that my shortcomings as a mother have led to such unbelievable hurt for you. I will never forgive myself – but I’d like to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it, and perhaps, one day, gaining your forgiveness.’
Ruby stared down the barrel of the quivering shotgun.
Dominique tried again. ‘I know these are only words, but give me a chance to show you with deeds how sorry I am. Darling, together, we can all learn from this and protect Amber, and—’
‘Mum, I just want you to love me…’ Ruby broke down then. A vulnerable little girl, all the hard mask rinsed away by the tears.
Dominique couldn’t hold back any longer. She threw the ‘Book of Hate’ onto the bedside table, where it fell open. Rushed forward, not caring about the gun, not carin
g about anything but that her eldest daughter was in pain. She gathered her into her arms and hugged her tight, kissing the top of her head. Ruby stiffened, then softened against her mother’s body and let herself be loved for the first time in a very long time. Too long.
‘I love you with all my heart, and all my soul – you must always believe that, Ruby Thomas. I will never, ever let anyone hurt you again. I’d rather die than let that happen.’
She whispered fiercely into Ruby’s hair, stroking damp strands away from her daughter’s face as she spoke.
‘We’ll find out who is at the bottom of this bullying. With all the evidence you’ve got, the police will find it easy to trace the perpetrators. They’ve got special officers for dealing with this kind of thing. We’ll make it stop, and somehow, I will make it up to you for all the hurt I have inflicted on you by not listening, not being there. We’ll find your smile again.’
Ruby sniffed and shook her head. ‘No, I’ve got an ugly smile. Everyone tells me that. Except Harry. He thinks it’s beautiful, but he’s not all there.’
‘Well, I agree with Harry. And in the morning, I’ll call him myself and let him know that you and he can see as much of each other as you want.’ As long as there really was no funny business, she added silently. But if Ruby told her there wasn’t, then she believed her. From now on, she would be listening to her children.
Ruby’s arms tightened around her.
‘Y-you really don’t believe those things then, Mum? That I’m evil and stupid and smelly and… You really love me?’
‘Oh my God, Ruby, you are my life. There are no words to describe how much I love you.’
She put her hand under her daughter’s chin and eased it up so she could look her in the eyes.
‘Do you believe me, sweetheart?’
Ruby gave a wobbly smile, and tears started again. ‘I do, Mum. And I love you, too. I’m so sorry for the horrible things I’ve said—’
‘You’ve nothing to apologise for.’ Dominique enfolded her once more in a hug.
* * *
Benjamin was starting to feel sluggish and queasy. His stomach gurgled. He’d nip to the loo, then go back to his study, close the door for the final time. He should write another note, too, to pin to the door, warning everyone not to come in, but instead to call the police. He’d have to do that as soon as he got back. He didn’t want his wife or children to have to deal with seeing that sight of him dead; it would stay with them for ever.
But first, he really must go to the loo; his stomach hurt and his head pounded. Maybe things were happening faster than he had anticipated. His stomach contracted again.
He walked towards the downstairs toilet, steadying one hand against the wall. Cursed, remembering that it wasn’t flushing. Dom would have to call a plumber. Perhaps he should add a reminder to his note, but it sort of ruined the impact of what he wanted to write…
With a sigh, he tried to work out what was best to do as he made his way upstairs, trying to tread lightly so he wouldn’t disturb anyone. The stairs wobbled in his vision. Lifting his feet was tiresome. Maybe he should sit down, just for a minute. He was almost at the top; only a few more steps…
Harry stood before him, his hand on the doorknob of Mouse’s bedroom.
What the hell? Was he abusing her? Was he trying to burgle them? Murder them in their beds?
Fury punched adrenaline through Benjamin’s body. He must protect his family. With a roar, he rushed forward.
Ninety-Nine
Ruby felt as if she were melting. The hard shell of anger she had constructed was dissolving.
Her mum loved her. Her parents loved her. They were going to make everything better. And Mouse would be safe, too. All the anger and bad thoughts she had hidden behind, trying to convince herself that she was tough, drifted away from her like snowflakes in a breeze. She had never wanted to hurt anyone, let alone kill them, the planning had simply been acting out. The only life she’d wanted to take was her own, but now… now, perhaps, she could see a happy future.
The nightmare was going to be over soon – and she could even see Harry again. She wrapped her arms tighter around her mother, still gripping the shotgun awkwardly between them. Everything was going to be okay.
There was a shout outside. Her dad, roaring unintelligibly in anger.
Ruby leaped free of her mother’s clutches, swinging the shotgun up and around on pure instinct.
* * *
Harry fought with Ruby’s dad for all he was worth. He didn’t want to hurt him, so tried only to defend, not attack.
‘Get out of my way!’ he begged. ‘You don’t – ow! – understand—’
An elbow to block a blow. Raising his knee to ward off vicious kicks. Harry kept shouting, kept trying to explain that he was attempting to help. But the old git kept lashing out and he didn’t have the chance to be heard.
He got Mr Thomas in a headlock. A jab to the kidneys made Harry yell, and loosen his grip. Kicked at the man in anger. His lace-less boot slid off his foot and flew through the air, hitting Ruby’s dad on the shoulder with a soft thud then bouncing who knew where. It didn’t slow Mr Thomas; he was huffing like a steam train, but didn’t seem to be giving up.
If Harry didn’t get past him soon, things were going to end in disaster.
‘Listen—’
Another punch.
* * *
Mouse stood in her bedroom, scared. She clung to Ted, hoping he would make her brave enough to know what to do.
Shouts came from outside her bedroom. Banging, crashing, and Daddy’s voice raised in anger. He sounded furious. Her heart thundered. She scurried towards her wardrobe, flinging the door open and staring at one of her favourite hiding places.
No, she couldn’t hide away. She had to warn Ruby that something bad was happening, even if Ruby used bad words at her like she usually did. Sometimes she really hated Ruby, but that was because she loved her so much, too.
Giving the hiding place one last longing look, she started to shut the door, then had a thought. Gave Ted a final hug and kiss before settling him in, and covering him with a blanket.
‘You stay here, I’ll be right back when it’s safe. Don’t make a sound,’ she whispered.
Ted gave her a long hard stare of agreement. That made it easier for her to block out the shouts and icy fear. Feeling reassured that Ted would do as he was told, she closed the door on him, then opened her bedroom window wide. The early morning air made her shiver. She’d get cold feet, and then Mummy would tell her off. She slipped on her slippers once more, then sat on the windowsill and eased herself out, as she had so many times in summer.
* * *
Dom heard shouting and scuffling. Ruby looked terrified, reduced momentarily to the child she had been before she disappeared beneath the mask of warpaint. The shotgun bumping against Dom’s side as Ruby jerked from her embrace.
‘Ruby, please. Just hand me the gun.’
Myriad emotions flashed kaleidoscopically over the teenager’s face.
‘Mum, I think that might be Harry. He… he might be here to do what I can’t.’
Dom’s innards solidified with horror. Harry was going to kill them all. Just like the dreams she had been having.
‘Give me the gun, Ruby. I’ve got to defend us.’
‘You can’t hurt him.’
‘He’s here to hurt us.’
‘But I love him, Mum…’
The yells of the men were punctuated with grunts of pain.
‘Please, sweetheart. Give me the gun.’
Dominique stepped towards Ruby, beseeching. For a moment, her daughter hesitated.
‘Okay, here, I’ll give it to you,’ she said.
Her expression as she lifted the shotgun was unreadable.
* * *
Benjamin’s limbs were heavy; it was like fighting in treacle. Every swift punch he tried to throw landed slow and ponderous. Harry dodged as a fast as a whippet. Wiry, though luckily not as strong yet as a f
ull-grown man. Strong enough, though. Benjamin was scared.
Why had he taken those damn pills? He should have fought for his family the way he was now, not given in. So what if they had no money? So what if they lost everything, as long as they had each other? He’d been such a fool.
He didn’t want to die.
Another punch cracked on his jaw. Dizzy. He tried to shake it away. Punched out again.
Two things kept him going. The first was the thought of saving his family. The second, that his blows must be having some impact on the kid, even in his weakened state, because he kept shouting: ‘No. No. Listen to me.’
He wasn’t falling for that trick. If he slowed the teen would use that moment to deal a killer blow.
Benjamin wasn’t giving up when he was winning something for the first time in a long time.
All that mattered was being there for his family. He had to save them.
* * *
‘Okay, here, I’ll give it to you,’ Ruby said.
She stepped towards her mother, shotgun still at her shoulder. Lowered it. Started to remove her index finger from the trigger while twisting the whole rifle in her hands, inexpertly, trying to pass it butt first. Nerves making her fumble. It slipped from her grasp, tumbling to the floor, wrenching her finger. Down, to the side, bone going snap, crackle, pop.
Bang.
A shot rang out.
* * *
Normally, Mouse did the climb along the ledge in summer, with bare feet, and it was easy. Especially with the trellis as a ladder.
But right now, Mouse was scared. The bottoms of her slippers were all shiny and slippery, which was great for doing big skids along the hall, but not good for climbing. Her feet kept slipping from beneath her, and she had to concentrate really, really hard as she edged along.
Her Last Secret Page 29