One of the three said to me. "No problem at all, I love getting doused with rain water." I sarcastically quipped. "Good, cause our next gig's out in a rainforest." Another one said before making monkey sounds and farting. Whoever thought of holding a concert outside in the rain!? It's very impractical and I hate getting wet. I tried not to act too worried about it as we drove to the nearest airport.
I set the world record for holding my breath all the way from the mall to the plane. At least the monkey band was friendly. I can't remember all their names but I remember one of them was named Joe. It could've been him helping me out of the van, it could've been him sitting next to me in the air plane; it could've been him handing me my briefcase as I walked on stage to be the opening act for their concert. The Jungle was already damp when I walked out there, it felt like rain was coming. There were People there in the audience, Monkeys, Teenage Turtles that were Mutated and also Penguins. I wasn't nervous at the size of the crowd, I was scared of the large dark clouds that lingered above my head. I stepped out to the microphone on its stand and sat my briefcase down on a stole they had waiting there for me. "Hey people… Or whatever you are." I began. They chuckled. "I know you're all here to listen to Monkeys with banjos, and last time I checked I wasn't a monkey." That got em' laughing. Unfortunately that's when it started, you see Monkeys have a very short attention span and also are very impatient. "Yo, bro. That was funny, you done yet?" Joe [I think] asked me from the side of the stage. "I just got started…" I replied angrily. I just ignored him and kept going. "It must be pretty convenient around here in the rain-forest, always having your own endless shower from the sky. Just suds up before you leave the house and you could take a shower on your way to work." The Crowd nearly flopped over laughing. It would've been that good all night if the monkeys didn't keep popping up on stage beside me requesting me to finish up. "Hey, man, you done yet?" Asked one. "Bro, we're ready to go on." Another told me. "Duuuuuuude!" Joe (I think) whined at me. "Fine!" I left the stage, the Monkeys were almost surprised to see me go. I walked out and to the side of the audience, luckily it hadn't rained yet. But just in case, I took refuge underneath a big bright green umbrella. The Monkeys didn't care I'd left the stage, they took their places with their banjos and began to strum. The crowd clapped to the beat as the Monkeys sang their hit songs: "Yo Yo, we're just Monkeys" , "Swinging through the jungle" & "I swoosh my Tail to and fro " I didn't care for the songs too much, but I guess they were alright. Although I was still mad they practically kicked me off the stage.
I would've left the band after that but I made a promise. Plus, they were my ride. The tour went on for a few more locations, Africa, Bolivia, Chile and Moscow. The last place on our tour was The Snowy Mountains in Australia. There was a small town and concert hall located on the top of one mountain in particular named "Mount Peanut". It was very cold there. I hate rain for being wet, I hate the cold for being cold. This cold seemed to fuel my comedy for the last show in the tour.
"If in two minutes after the show you find a snowman shaped like myself, please save me." The crowd (which looked a lot like our other crowds at our previous shows) chuckled at me not being used to the cold. " It's always snowing here right? That can be pretty convenient. You want snow cones you just head outside, scoop up some snow and add your favorite flavoring." I heard chuckles, this was going well so far. "Let me tell you a short story. A Young boy hawk is taking a stroll in the winter with his father. He asks his dad [Why can't we fly south for the winter like everybody else?] His dad sighed and replied [Well Junior, with this economy we'd be lucky to get economy class seats]." The crowd burst out laughing. That's when the monkeys came in, "Hey Bro, we're digging the act. Done yet?" And another one on my left (who I thought was Joe) "Charlie, we're not getting any younger man!" The third one came up behind me, "They came to see the monkeys with Banjos dude!" "Enough!" I'd had it. "I'm sick and tired of you guys monkeying around!" I yelled. The crowd (which looked a lot like our previous crowds) gasped, surprised at my anger. "Yo, chill Charlie, man." Joe (I think) said to me, trying to calm me down a bit. "You guys asked me to come on tour with you, I changed my entire schedule to help you out, and at every stop on the tour you've not given me but five minutes on stage. you seriously think a comedian's act only lasts five minutes!?" I asked, seriously. The monkeys were silent. "Augh!" I threw my hands up in the air, then stormed out the door, into the parking lot. It was bitter cold, but I had to leave, those monkeys drove me bananas! I could hear their banjo strumming from the inside of my rental car in the snowy parking lot. I drove out of the parking lot with a smile on my face, I didn't even get paid yet, but I didn't care, they stunk. I mean, literally stunk. "So Long Joe!" That was the first time I ever left a band of monkeys.
"Charlie's Cat Tails" By: Charlie Page 4