"Is she breathing?" No!
"Umm, I think so."
"No she's not you ... ugh!" I didn't have to be in my right mind to know that Matt was beyond pissed. I felt something put pressure on my back, and to tell you the truth, it felt like I was being used as a scratching post; it caused me to suck in air, on impulse. Bad idea.
Before I knew it, I couldn't breathe at all, something seemed to be blocking my air.
"What the hell are you doing to her?" Footsteps. "Lilli ... you okay?" My hero. The guy grabbed my face ....
Okay, maybe not.
Chapter 44
Air finally found it's way into my lungs, along with something leaking out of my mouth.
"I'm fine," I wheezed, the mixer turning on high. I'm not sure what in my head made me do it, but I stood up right then, doing my best to ignore every pain in my body; because God knows there were so many. Was it because Justan was there; was it because he was holding me in while I was in pain?
"Lillith!" I heard someone's disapproving yell. I didn't care, I just wanted them to all stop worrying about me, it always happened.
I felt something trickle down my face, and finally realized that I was bleeding real bad. Never move around it you're bleeding too bad. I remembered my mom telling me when I was smaller. I had been riding my bike, and fell on a speed bump; when I ran home, my mom explained why you shouldn't move too much when you bleed a whole lot.
I kept stumbling to the door, until I just couldn't move anymore; so I collapsed on the floor and propped up against the door. I had been so close, I was almost there.
"Lillith," a pained voice croaked, "would you just stop moving? It's bad for your head." So it was my head that was bleeding? But who in that room would be pained? Had I not deserved this? No, I didn't do anything.... Wait, yes I did...
"Alright Lillith, that's it, you're going to the hospital." I tried to shake my head, but the scratching came back, and the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth, so I just gave up and let the person carrying me take me.
After listening to four worried voices mumble incoherently for a while, I decided to let the black fog tugging at my brain take over.
But before i did, I heard something very useful.
"I'm sorry I let this happen to you; I shouldn't have let you go. I love you."
Chapter 45
"Oooh! Power Rangers!" I giggled when I sat up. It's been nearly a week since I was put in the hospital. Turns out, I broke my leg -in 4 places, broke my nose, and nearly my skull. Also, somehow, my ear started bleeding; something that's never happened to me before.
"Oh! You're awake! How are you feeling?"
"Great! Haha, Power Rangers are so awesome. You know I use to watch them all the time when I was little." I smiled over at Justan who was looking at me oddly.
"Yeah, I know, I use to watch them with you. I remember you use to have this huge crush on the black ranger." My smile grew wider as I nodded my head, letting him know I remembered. I really did care about him, and this whole situation showed me just how much he cared back.
Justan stayed with me the whole week; only leaving my side to get some food, considering the cafeteria food wasn't all that good. Matty, on the other hand, didn't even come in my room one time, and he left as soon as the doctors told him I would live. That made me rethink my options and choices I'd made so far. Did he leave because he thought it was his fault? Of was it because he had better things to do?
Yeah, I know, how am I to hold him somewhere, or hold him leaving me against him? But, think about it, if he'd been with me, and he just left (for whatever reason) while I was in the hospital, what would that tell you; and what might happen? Just another thing to think about when I chose; now I understand why this was so hard for my mom. Except, she also didn't know how I felt about it, so she kinda had it harder.
"Oh! What time is it?!" I looked at the clock; it was almost time for one of my favorite shows: A shot at love with Tila Tequila. Why did I like watching a bisexual woman pick through 16 (8 guys and 8 girls) people just to find somebody to love? I'm not so sure, I guess it reminded me of my situation, in some sorts. When did I start watching this, you ask? Well, at Matt's actually. It got really boring over there, and he had dish satellite, so I went channel surfing one day, and landed upon MTV while it was playing. I later found that I had missed half the show, and it was season 2, but it was interesting nonetheless.
"What are you doing?" Justan eyed me curiously.
"A show that I like is having its season finale today!" I grinned over at him once I found the channel. If had missed most of the episode, but I didn't mind, I still got to see who she chose as her "love".
It was between Bo (the only boy left) and Christy ... I think (who was the only remaining girl). Tila started out with a little talk on how she loved both of them, but could only be with one, and finally got on with it. Like always, she pointed out something she liked about both of them, and then one of their flaws. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head when she picked the girl.
"Nuh-uh, you're going to regret that sweetie," I muttered, ignoring the feeling that Justan was looking at me.
After Bo had left off the platform thing, Christy began to talk to Tila. She turned her down! She actually told her that she couldn't handle being with her, and didn't want the key that Tila had given her!
"You have got to be shitting me!" I muttered, my mouth hanging wide open as I watched Tila leave the platform tearfully. Is that how it was? Would that -Could that happen to me? "Oh wow," was all I could really say as I pushed the little red power button on the remote.
"Why do you like that show again?" Now I didn't really want to tell him. I sighed, and closed my eyes, shrugging as my response.
"I don't know, I just do," I muttered in a whisper. That show had my head reeling. Justan wouldn't ... Would he? What about Matt? How would I know who to choose?
"You okay?" My eyes napped open, and my head quickly shifted to my left.
"Yes!" I squeaked, seeing Justan right in front of my face. Man, this was just like one of those cheesy romance movies, or soap operas; or worse ... those stupid mushy books that always had a happy ending. Ech!
"Oh, okay," he muttered, moving away from me to sit back in his chair. "Hungry?" I just nodded, dazed slightly.
Ha! You wish it was like one of those things! And the soap opera things too! Tiff laughed from inside my head.
"Ugh! Shut up! You don't know what I like!"
Oh, but how wrong I was. She and I both knew how much I loved those mushy love things; and we both also knew why too. We both knew exactly how much I really wanted my life to wind up like those books and TV programs.
Chapter 46
“You sure you’re okay? Don’t need me to come and put my foot up their asses, do you?” Yeah! Do it!
“No daddy, I’m fine.” A faint smile played with the features of my face; he was finally being a real father again.
“Miss. Cartwritght, I’m going to need you to get off the phone for a little while.” I sighed and nodded at the young nurse; it was probably time to clean my leg. 2 weeks, and she’s finally got it down pact.
“Alright, I’m gonna have to let you go dad.” Why are you being nice to him? Just giving in to all of those years of torture?
Because, all he was doing was letting out his hurt and frustration; I was there, and he just so happened to have chosen the wrong path. I can’t hold that against him.
“Why? Are they keeping you from talking to me?” Still possessive a bit, but getting better none the less. Yes you can, and you should!
“No, of course not! I just need to go wash up, Justan is taking me out later.” My attempt to lie would hopefully be taken; he didn’t need to worry about me, I could worry about myself just fine. Besides, he already had the pressure of redeeming himself.
“Oh, alright. Well, could you make sure to call me when you get back?” It wasn’t a total lie. I kept trying to tell myself that what I did wasn’t wrong; my co
nscience had a problem with me lying to him, still after all these years.
“Yes sir, of course I will! Just as long as it isn’t too late.” I smiled over at the nurse and held my hand up, asking to give me just one more minute. She sighed and nodded, tapping her wrist for me to hurry it up.
“Alright, I love you baby girl.” My small frown -that I didn’t notice had come to my face -let up, and changed to a slight smile.
“Talk to you later,” I muttered, wishing he would just hang up so I wasn’t being such a nuisance to my nurse.
“Alright, bye.” I waited to hear the dial tone, confirming that he had hung up, before I turned Justan’s cell phone off myself.
I nodded over at the woman -I couldn’t remember her name to save my life -with an apologetic smile, hoping to let her know that I was ready for her to do her job; I really did feel bad though. Even if she hadn’t meant for me to, I heard her grunt and bring the sponge and little pink tub of water over to my bed.
“That’s a very nice thing you’re doing for your dad there.” Her words caused my head to tilt slightly in confusion; what did I do? “Not telling him that you’re in the hospital; not many folks need to be worrying about those kinds of things when they don’t have to be." I sent her a small smile, and mumbled a “thank you”.
“Is he your boyfriend?” My eyebrows knitted and I followed the way her head had jerked; over to the sleeping Justan.
“Oh, umm, no; he just, umm…” I couldn’t seem to find words to put together. Was I allowed to tell people what was going on? Would she think I was insane if I did tell her? Was he my boyfriend?
“That’s all I need to know,” she smiled at me.
“Huh?” But I didn’t say -”
“Sweet heart, you’re blushing .” A wide grin broke her cracked, red, chapped lips when my hands reached up and covered my flaming cheeks.
“So…” I muttered, not wanting to admit aloud that I did, in fact, care for Justan. But what about Matty? I had to think about him too…I thought that I liked him…..
“So, you like him, even if he is just a good friend.” My eyebrows knitted again, and my eyes trailed over to Justan’s sleeping form.
“But I -” I stopped myself, I do like him more, don’t I?
“And what about that other boy?” My nose scrunched up, along with my eyebrows; had she met Matt?
“What other boy?”
“The one with the dark brown hair that comes after everyone is usually asleep.” I cocked one eyebrow and just stared at the nurse dumbly. “Oh, wow,” she sighed, “a guy comes in after most patients are sleeping; he comes to see you! He has dark brown hair and a lip ring.” I was still oblivious, and I started to feel stupid as well. “He has sea green looking eyes, and the receptionist said -” I was gone before I could hear more; trying to think of who I knew that fit that description.
It didn’t take very long; the person flashed across my vision, and I almost gasped. Matty? He does come to see me? Why is it only when I’m sleeping though? Is he afraid of -
“Ah!” I gasped as a spasm of pain shot through my leg; it sometimes happened when she had to clean the large gashes that had found there way there somehow.
“Sorry hun.” She smiled up at me sheepishly from her post down by my leg.
“Was his name Matthew by any chance?” Saying his name that way felt weird in my mouth, but that’s usually the name he uses with people he doesn’t know, or when he’s not comfortable with them.
“Yes! That was it, Matthew; and what a good looking boy he was.” I forced out a smile at her last words.
Yeah, that he is.
Chapter 47
“So, where do you want to go?” Justan smiled over at me briefly as he drove toward God-knew-where.
“How about the park.” I sent him a quick smile. Okay, so I didn’t completely lie to my dad; I did get washed up, and Justan was taking me out. But I didn’t wash myself, and Justan wasn’t taking me out on a date like my dad was probably thinking. It’s like a secret lie …
I could feel Justan’s gaze shifting from me to the road every five seconds. Deciding on ignoring it, I concentrated on my thoughts. Why would Matty only come see me at night? That was sort of creepy. Why wouldn’t he let me see him; was it Justan?
“Lil?” My heart Jumped. “Are you okay? You seem a little … out of it.”
“Oh, I’m fine. Just …thinking.”
“About what?”
“Oh, just my dad.” Another lie.
“Why?”
“I miss him, I guess.” Liar. The car swerved slightly and my stomach felt like a lead weight. Oh boy.
“Why in the hell would you miss him? What has he ever done for you?” He seemed a bit...angry. Without my permission, a whimper escaped through my throat. I don’t know what was worse, the throbbing in my leg, or that fear that Justan was gonna hit me.
“I just do.” My voice was small and pitiful when I spoke, it was very … degrading.
The rest of the ride was quiet. So, I thought about my options. Justan had good qualities. For example, he was protective of me. But, Matty had the good quality of … well, he was fun, more laid back.
Justan was a little stiff; too serious. Matt, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care enough.
So, I had one guy who would always be there for me, and wanted the best for me; and one who liked to see me happy and smiling, whether it cost them their happiness or not.
I liked both of them okay, but they were two completely different people. If only I were little again, it would make this so much easier.
That thought made many things click; it made me understand just why being little was so much easier.
When I was younger, I met a lot of boys, hung out with a lot of boys; yet my best friend was a girl. Tracie was her name, and my mom introduced us. Tracie was my closest friend.
Whenever I hung out with the boys, Tracie was always there. Always. And her opinion on the boys meant everything to me; it made me decide whether I liked them or not. Like this one time; this boy, Gregery, I think his name was, was an okay boy, but I wasn’t sure if I liked him enough to be friends or not. Tracie pointed out something about him that she didn’t like, and it showed me just why I didn’t like him all that much. Tracie was my light.
The day I met Justan -Jeremie, she showed e a quiet, subtle like for him. After a while, she would tell me all about what she liked about him, and rarely would I hear a dislike. Maybe something along the lines of, “He’s too quiet. But he’s cute.” And then she’d giggle. The funny thing, though, I felt the same way. Occasionally, we’d both just sit and hash out things we both liked about him; usually we’d agree, but there were times that we’d disagree on a like, or I would say that I liked something about him that she didn’t.
When I met Matt, however, Tracie’s face lit up. She liked him, and I could tell; so I gave him a try. Just so happened that I grew a little thing for him as well. He was energetic, exciting, and so funny. He was never afraid to speak his mind, and would always find something fun that we could all do together; though at times, he told me that he wished it could’ve been just me and him. But, I ignored that. I was afraid to like him too much, because I knew that Tracie, really liked him. I had this bad feeling that if I showed that I liked him, that something bad would happen.
It was a couple of days after I decided to show my interest for Matt that Tracie died. It devastated me, considering I was 8 and she was my best friend, and nearly everyone around me. The only one that didn’t cry or even show emotion (besides my dad) was Justan.
That made me think, he didn’t show much emotion when I told him and Matt about my mom’s death either. What was with him? It was a lot like how my dad reacted … Was it a male thing?
It couldn’t be, because Matty on the other hand, bawled when Tracie passed on, and I couldn’t really remember what his reaction was to my mom’s news.
There’s cold, and then there’s sensitive; two more opposites.
Both are good at different times. Matt is adorable, and Justan is cute. Tiffany broke my train of though, and the memories I’ve been after for years evaporated from my brain.
Yeah, but which is better?
Which do you like better?
Both.
Okay, let me rephrase that; which do you like better without Tracie’s opinion?
Without thinking, my answer rang throughout my head, shocking myself with it.
Okay then.
Chapter 48
I started to skim through over all my thoughts. But, no, how?
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