Swim Deep

by BETH KERY

  I braked the car, staring all the while at Evan’s tense, drawn face. His clothing seemed matched to his mood—black athletic pants, black running shoes, and a dark gray T-shirt that highlighted his muscular torso and powerful arms. If he’d been in the workout facility when I’d left, he hadn’t paused to shower yet. There was a scruff of whiskers on his upper lip and jaw. He watched me steadily from beneath a lowered brow. He looked more than a little intimidating as he approached.

  I lowered the window when he reached the back of the car, listening to the sound of gravel crunching beneath his shoes and the drum of my heartbeat.

  “Where have you been?” he demanded, looking at me from what still seemed like a huge height despite his bent-over position. Both of his hands gripped the car door, like he thought I was going to try and get away from him.

  “I ran into town to get a sleep medication. I tried to find you, but when I couldn’t, I just left the note—”

  “Damn it, Anna, do you have any idea how much I’ve been worrying?” he interrupted, gray eyes flashing angrily.

  Despite feeling bad about upsetting him, annoyance bubbled up in me.

  “I’m a grown woman, Evan. I’ve been able to drive a car for years now. It was a quick trip into town, not a journey up Mt. Everest.”

  “I had no idea you could be so impulsive.”

  “I had no idea you could be so controlling.”

  His mouth flattened. If looks could kill. I cringed internally, even as I held his furious stare without flinching. So here was the temper I’d hypothesized about so many times while studying his features like an artist absorbs a masterpiece.

  “You’re not used to driving these roads yet. Are you going to sit there and try to convince me it was a cakewalk for you?”

  “I’m not trying to convince you of anything. It wasn’t easy, but I made it there and back safely.”

  “With no incident,” he stated flatly rather than asked, but his gaze was sharp. Searching.

  “As you can see, I’m fine.”

  He straightened and took a step back. He flexed his hands at his sides, as though working the tension out of them.

  “All you had to do was ask me. I would have gotten anything you needed immediately. You haven’t said a word about having trouble sleeping.” His tone had gone neutral. I’d witnessed the heat of his temper and now observed his tight control over it as well.

  Regret trickled through the cracks of my irritation. It was true that I’d hidden my insomnia from him. Mostly because I didn’t want to reveal the cause of it. I didn’t want to mention the nightmare woman to him, or admit my primitive fear of her hitching breath, or dripping mouth… of what she might tell me.

  If I let her.

  “I didn’t want to bother you about it. It’s not a big deal. It’s probably got to do with all the stress and excitement of our wedding and the move here. I haven’t settled in yet, completely. I got an over the counter sleep aid. Once I get a few nights of decent sleep, I’ll get back into a regular rhythm.”

  There was a long pause, in which I sensed him gathering the frayed ends of his restraint and tucking them back into place.

  “I’d appreciate it if you’d let me drive you next time, or at the very least, let me go with you until you get more familiar with the road,” he said in a careful, strained tone. “You have no idea how many tourists crash on the roads around here. You’ve seen the drop-offs. I assume you can imagine what could potentially happen if you made even a minor driving error. It’s all I’ve been thinking about since I saw your note.”

  If I’d felt regret before, I experienced full-fledged guilt now. Why had I been so impetuous? I’d purposefully avoided him. I hadn’t wanted him to know I was taking the trip alone, because I hadn’t wanted him to talk me out of it. And he’d had good reason to be cautious. The road had been alarming the first time out, even if I did think I would grow used to it, eventually.

  “Evan—”

  “I’ll see you inside,” he said gruffly.

  And suddenly the only view I had of him was his back.

  Chapter Five

  I thought of looking for him when I got in the house, but figured maybe it was best for both of us to cool off first. I had planned to paint when I returned, but a wave of exhaustion hit me as I walked up the grand staircase. Maybe it was due to my insomnia, or maybe it was the adrenaline fading in my blood after the nerve-wracking drive and that spat with Evan.

  I went to our room, drew the heavy curtains, and lay down. As I drifted off to sleep, the vision of Evan’s face popped into my mind’s eye. It struck me that he’d been angry, yes… but his concern had been almost wild.

  He wasn’t worried about me. He was worked up because of her.

  Elizabeth.

  It was a nasty hissing whisper in a distant corner of my mind. I choked it off, thinking about my painting with a furious focus, until sleep finally took me.

  I awoke to the sensation of Evan’s whiskered jaw lightly scraping my temple and his lips moving next to my ear. I turned. His mouth grazed mine. I opened heavy eyelids. The room had grown dim. Evan was an impenetrable shadow hovering over me, his touch and warm breath making my nerves flicker with pleasure.

  “Dinner will be ready soon. I thought if you slept too much longer, you definitely wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight.”

  “I’m glad you woke me up,” I whispered, reaching to cup his shoulder.

  He nuzzled me with his nose. Our mouths met again, clinging.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were having trouble sleeping?” he asked against my lips, his voice a low, delicious rumble in the hushed, heavily shadowed room.

  “I didn’t want you to worry.”

  “I do worry about you. It comes with the territory,” he said, nipping softly at my lips. I glided my hand along his back.

  “God, you feel good,” I said.

  He kissed my neck. “You smell so good. Always. So sweet. Fresh.”

  “Evan, did Elizabeth die in a car accident?”

  His tingling kisses ceased.

  I bit my lower lip in inevitable regret when he slowly lifted his head. I strained to see his features in the dim light. All I made out was the gleam of his eyes.

  “Is that why you think I’m concerned about your driving alone?”

  “You seemed really worried. Unusually so. I thought maybe I’d struck a nerve because of something that had happened earlier… something with her.”

  He straightened into a sitting position. I resisted a wild urge to take it all back… to pull him back down to me.

  “Elizabeth drowned.”

  I started slightly at the harshness of the two words in the silent room. Shivers swept down my arms, causing my skin to roughen.

  “How horrible,” I whispered.

  “Yes. It was,” he said, still not facing me. “I thought maybe you’d read about it. You told me back in San Francisco that you’d Googled her name—”

  “There was very little information on her.”

  “Her father pays a company to remove or bury most Internet search references to her… and himself, of course,” he added, bitterness entering his tone. I came up on my elbow and stroked his arm and shoulder.

  “Did she drown near the house?” I asked hesitantly. My imagination leapt to the idea of her drowning in that safe, protected little beach enclosure, and I just couldn’t. Besides, wouldn’t Evan be paranoid about me swimming there alone, if that were the case?

  He exhaled, and I imagined I felt his emotion. I sensed dread in every cell of his being.

  “No. It was a boating accident.” He turned, resting his chin on his shoulder so that I could make out his profile in the evening light radiating from behind the curtains.

  “I honestly wasn’t thinking about Elizabeth when I worried about you this afternoon. I was thi
nking about you, Anna. Why don’t you believe me?”

  The bleakness of his question startled me. I sat up and came behind him. I wrapped my arms around his waist.

  “I do believe you,” I said, my cheek pressed against his back. “I’m sorry I ran off without telling you this afternoon. But I kept myself safe, Evan. Have a little faith in me.”

  He ran his hands along my forearms. “I have a lot of faith in you. It’s the rest of the world about which I have doubts.” He squeezed the back of my hands gently. “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier. My imagination got the best of me, waiting for you to come back.”

  I kissed his spine through his shirt, and then nuzzled him with my nose. A feeling of sharp longing rose in me.

  “We’re both sorry,” I whispered.

  He patted the back of my hand. “Ready for dinner?”

  I swallowed back that strange surge of emotion and swung my feet off the bed.

  “Let’s go. I’m starving,” I said, reaching for his hand.

  I took the medication that night and spent a blessedly dreamless night. I was a little groggy in the morning, but my lethargy disappeared in an instant when I entered the sunlit kitchen only to find Evan there, dressed in shorts, a T-shirt, and hiking boots. He was in the process of placing a chilled bottle of chardonnay in a portable wine cooler.

  “What are you doing?” I asked him in amazement as he slid the cooler into a black backpack that already had a baguette sticking partially out of it.

  “I’m taking the day off. I thought we’d go hiking to this little secluded beach down the way, have a picnic, swim… “

  He faded off, lifting his eyebrows expectantly. I realized he was waiting to see what I thought of his plan.

  “It sounds fantastic.”

  He grinned at my enthusiasm and resumed packing the bag. “Good. We should have done it sooner. I should have,” he added under his breath.

  It was a gorgeous sunny day with a light, cool wind… ideal conditions for hiking. Evan led me to a trailhead I hadn’t yet located. It required a fairly strenuous hike uphill to a ridge.

  When we got to the top, I gasped in pleasure between pants for air. We admired the scenery from our view at the top of the world.

  I felt Evan’s gaze on me. “I stole a good painting day from you, I think,” he said.

  I reached for his hand. “You gifted me with a day with you, which is something far better.”

  We hiked for another hour and a half or so, passing through dense woods, and then a rough terrain of rocks, brush, and boulders. I’d never thought of myself as being afraid of heights, but there were a few drop-offs that I carefully avoided even looking at, because they made me dizzy.

  At one point, I spotted something high up on a cliff of limestone boulders. I started to scale them.

  “Anna?” Evan called out sharply.

  But I was determined, and didn’t stop. He followed me up to a small cave inset into the rocks.

  “Anna, there might be bats or some other animal inside,” he warned when I ducked and entered the dark space. I looked around, delighted with my find, seeing no scary animals, only smooth, pale stone. Even the air was fresh instead of musty. The cave grew darker. I knew Evan had followed me in and was blocking the light. I put my hand back, and he took it.

  He was far too tall for the cramped space, so at my urging, we sat side by side. We stared out at the sparkling, color-soaked view just feet away from where we sat in the darkness. The scene took on an extra vitality viewing it from the cave.

  I laughed, strangely delighted by the moment. I mimed daintily drinking from a teacup and saucer. I really did feel like the queen of a kingdom up in that hidden place, with him by my side. Evan’s rich laughter reverberated against the stone walls. He cupped my jaw with one hand.

  His kiss at that moment struck me as exquisite: secret and sweet. Sacred.

  By the time we reached the private, secluded sand beach and azure water, we were hot and dusty, and more than ready for a swim. We stripped to our skin and plunged into the crisp, cold water, me stumbling and squealing at the feeling of the small stones mixed in with the rough sand on my bare feet. I wasn’t used to it. By contrast, the sand at the calm little beach at Les Jumeaux was smooth as silk.

  Evan finally pulled me down into the water, more than likely tired of my yelps. I splashed enough to scare away all fish within a mile radius. I surfaced, laughing and spitting water out of my mouth, reaching for him blindly. When I pried open my eyelids, I saw that he was laughing, too, the image of his unguarded expression, light-infused gray-golden eyes, and wide smile slicing straight into me.

  Later, he led me to the beach and spread a blanket. I’ll never forget how he looked when he laid down next to me, and his gaze traveled over my naked body. His eyes narrowed on my breasts as he touched me with warm fingertips.

  “You’re different,” he murmured. I heard the awe in his tone, and was confused and enthralled at once.

  “How do you mean I’m different? I’m getting a good tan, that’s all.”

  I sank my fingers into his thick, wet hair. He lifted his hand from my breast and grasped my wrist. Deliberately, he placed my arm on the blanket next to me. I realized I’d been partially blocking his vision of me.

  Again, his stare scored me. He cupped a breast and leaned down to run his lips over a nipple. I shivered uncontrollably, clamping my thighs together.

  “Evan?” I asked, unsure of what was unfolding at that moment, but fully in the grip of it nevertheless.

  “I’ve never seen you in full sunlight. You’re so beautiful, Anna,” he said, sounding preoccupied as he kissed and then licked lightly at my beading nipple. Pleasure flickered inside me, and then swelled like a wave.

  It was then that I realized—however fleetingly—that until that moment, he’d only made love to me in shadows.

  Or pitch-blackness.

  After we made love, we lay entwined, my head on his chest and his arms wrapped loosely around me while he idly stroked my shoulder. The soughing sound of the light surf and Evan’s caressing fingers held me in a sublime trance. The light wind felt delicious skimming along my perspiration-damp skin.

  “Would you consider going off the pill?”

  I blinked, my awareness going from a blissful stupor to sharp disbelief in a fraction of a second. I lifted my head to examine his face. He merely stared back at me with that Evan-like calm that sometimes drove me crazy.

  “You want to have a baby?” I asked shrilly. “Now?”

  A smile broke over his face. Despite my sudden anxiety, I found myself smiling, too. Laughing, in fact. His stroking fingers turned into a deep massage of my shoulder and back muscles, as though he wanted to soothe me.

  “I wasn’t saying I wanted to now. I was just bringing up the topic. Do you ever think about it?”

  “Having a baby with you?”

  Upon hearing my own words, all amusement vanished.

  Of course I’d thought about it. I was insanely in love with him. The very thought of sharing something so beautiful, so deeply intimate with him, took my breath away. It seemed to me like it would be a revelation, and a deepening of the mystery all at once.

  “I’ve thought about it, but not in any…” I faltered for the right words.

  “Don’t worry about it, Anna,” he said, a smile ghosting his lips. “I didn’t bring it up to make you anxious.”

  “I know,” I rushed to say, concerned he’d think I thought the idea reprehensible. “I love you, Evan. I want to have a family with you. Of course I do. I just didn’t think that you were ready—or even thinking—about that yet.”

  He looked up at the blue sky, the ambient light turning his eyes into gleaming crescents of silver. “I think about it,” he murmured thoughtfully. “It’s like a dream, isn’t it?” He ran his fingertip up my spine, and I t
rembled against him. “I suppose it’s hard not to speculate about something so amazing, given the way things are between us.”

  I just stared at him for several seconds, a sense of wonder tickling at my consciousness.

  “You mean that it’s so good between us, so big, that it’s hard not to imagine the outcome? The purpose of it all?” I asked in a small, hushed voice.

  He met my stare. His stroking hand stilled. “There is a purpose, I think. And you’re right. It’s a bigger one than I ever imagined when I first saw your face looking back at me from that computer screen. Come here,” he demanded gruffly. He put his hands on my upper arms and slid me up his naked body.

  His mouth covered mine, and the hot need flooded through me again, burning away all the questions.

  This thing between us wasn’t rational. It blazed a trail. All we could do was follow it.

  The hike back home seemed to go quicker, maybe because I was so relaxed and sublimely happy. We hadn’t made any plans for having a baby, but his mere mention of the topic told me so much. It had added an extra luster to the future.

  On the way back, Evan told me that he was thinking of having a construction crew come in as soon as he could schedule it in order to do a demolition on the viewing room.

  “I meant to have it done before we arrived, but better late than never. Do you think the crew being here will interfere with your painting?”

  “No,” I assured him emphatically. I was as eager as anyone to have someone rip apart that awful room. Its presence in the house bothered me more than I liked to admit, even to myself. “It’ll be more annoying for you in your office than it will be for me. I won’t even be able to hear them up on the overlook.”

  As we entered the kitchen, I noticed that Evan was checking messages on his cell phone.

  “You didn’t check that thing the entire time we were gone,” I said, smiling at the realization.