Gill chimed in, clearly unsure of the feelings emanating from the truck. “I planned on having him home before bedtime. Essa needed to haul Breezy over to the vet’s so they can get him doped up in the morning before they do his x-rays.” Crap. Breezy was still lame, so the new veterinarian wanted to rule out a fracture before continuing treatment. She had forgotten about the appointment in the excitement of Reuben asking her out.
“It’s okay, Gill. Did you bring Anthony with you?” Gill cut his eyes to Reuben as he nodded, and she wondered if he had outed himself to the ranch’s owner yet. Anthony was the son he had with his partner, the two men having adopted the child nearly five years ago. He and Samuel had been together for fifteen years, but he had only worked on the ranch for nine or so, coming on board after Reuben had left the last time.
She asked, “Eli, you want to sit with Tony or stay here?”
“Doesn’t matter to me.” He shrugged, his thin shoulders moving up and down jerkily. “I’m here now. I can just stay here.” His words carried a curt tone, eyes still fixed on the distant screen, studiously not looking at her. “Right here.”
“Okie dokies. No worries, Gill. We’ll see you tomorrow. Eli looks to be riding home with us.” Reuben’s head had turned towards Gill as he began to say his goodbyes, but at her words, he whipped back around, his features flooded with a disappointment which thrilled her. Their eyes locked for a moment before he smiled sheepishly and mouthed the words, reminding them both, Not a race.
Having Eli with them meant they were free to stay for the entire feature. They crowded close together for the first half of the movie, Eli sandwiched between them as they shared popcorn Reuben bought. She tried to talk to Eli while Reuben had gone to buy snacks, but after receiving only terse responses, she decided to let him nurse his snit. It had only been a few months since Tommy had died, and seeing her out with another man had to be a shock.
When he got back with his purchases, Reuben passed the goodies out, earning a small smile from Eli when he spun a crazy story about the teenagers manning the concession stand. Over the next hour he worked hard to draw Eli out of his funk, finally rewarded with light giggles at Reuben’s comments about the comedy on the screen. The mood lifting meant laughter from all of them came more often, but she had hooted the loudest when Reuben impulsively tossed a popcorn kernel at Eli, prompting a brief but competitive popcorn fight which ended when Reuben pretended to get salt in his eye.
Elias immediately got to his knees on the seat to check on Reuben, concern etched on his features. Reuben had wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling him into his lap and tickling him fiercely for a couple of seconds. When they finally stopped wrestling, breathless with laughter, popcorn was all over the cab of the truck. But, the bright look on her son’s happy face was worth every moment it would take to clean up.
After repeated but half-hearted denials of sleepiness followed by jaw-cracking yawns, Elias had fallen asleep about halfway through the movie, slumped sideways and leaning into her. When he realized Elias was finally sleeping, Reuben smiled at her from across the space that held the boy between them. Reaching down, he gently pulled Eli’s feet from the floor, tugging her loose-limbed child into a more comfortable looking position, head in her lap and legs in his.
Reuben’s hand captured hers and they watched the rest of the movie with their clasped hands resting on Eli’s hip. The connection between the three of them brought tears to her eyes when she thought about what she had to tell Reuben, what she had been about to lead into when Gill knocked on the window. Every single time I start to say something, I get interrupted, she thought with a frown. Taking the cowardly way out and not disclosing her secret had crossed her mind several times, but she wouldn’t do that to Reuben. Knew she couldn’t live with herself if she tried to hide from the facts. He needed to know, to have the choice of what he wanted to do. She had to believe he would eventually understand and prayed he wouldn’t hate her. At least the interaction tonight gave her hope that in time he would be able to bring himself to love Eli.
When she’d discovered she was pregnant, there had been no question in her mind whose child was in her belly. Reuben had used protection, and the condom broke with Tommy their first time. Simple deduction left her with one answer, and Tommy had stepped up as soon as she’d told him. There was never any reason to wonder, even when Elias was born with skin and hair darker than hers, looking as much like the man who’d stood in the delivery room as he did the one now seated at her side.
Those were the good days, when she thought they would be able to make a go of it together. Before he’d changed, becoming surly and angry, resenting the limitations having a family so young put on them. Before Ray befriended him, twisting him. It was a blessing Tommy never knew he didn’t father Eli, because she was sure his rage at what he would see as a deliberate deception would have reached epic levels.
It seemed like every day she noted another way Reuben was so different from Tommy, patient where her husband had always rushed her. Kind and teasing with Elias, whose own father seldom had time for him, even when Tommy was healthy. She glanced towards Reuben as she settled sideways into the door, resting the back of her head against the doorframe. Reuben was good, through and through. Always had been, the only hurt he ever dealt her was not his fault. Her gaze fell to Eli, sleeping quietly between them, and she thought, Pain be damned. I came out the winner here. Wouldn’t change a thing.
Dreaming
Slowly pulling into the driveway, careful not to jostle his passengers, Reuben looked across the cab of the truck, smiling softly. Elias was still between him and Brenda, buckled into place. Seated and leaning heavily into his mother’s side, the deeply sleeping boy’s head was tipped back, mouth hanging slightly open, an occasional sharp snore sounding loudly in the truck’s cab, each followed by a soft, sighing exhalation.
On the other side of Elias, sagging against the passenger door was Brenda. She had one elbow propped on the armrest, her cheek resting in her palm. Eyes closed, her head tipped and bounced as the truck’s springs complained about the roughness of the drive and Reuben made another mental note to organize one of the ranch hands to use the road grader on the span before it got any worse. He knew all it would take was a single downpour and they would be driving through trenches instead of ruts.
He pulled into the side yard, smoothly gliding the truck to a halt. Turning off the engine, he twisted in the seat and stared at the two of them, something akin to homesickness taking root. It was her, Brenda. She was his home. All his life he had dreamed of having her again, making her his in truth.
And tonight, their outing—beginning as a date but ending up more like a family event—stirred something deep inside him. Pairing that with the trust she gave him, her humbling belief he would bring her and her son home safely, staggered him. He felt lost, not knowing what to do with these feelings threatening to overwhelm him.
Even now, just sitting here and watching them quietly sleeping, his chest clenched. Brenda. This was something he’d wanted for so long, the ghost of their single shared night chasing him throughout his life. After tonight, even more than her in his bed, he wanted this gorgeous life all around him. Brenda, laughing as he teased Eli, eyes flashing with love and humor when she watched them wrestling and playing around. The smile creases in her cheeks taking up permanent residence at their antics. Her hand in his, eyes to the screen, fingers responding with a squeeze when he shifted, not wanting to let him go.
This.
Her, with him.
Through the years, nearly every time his eyes closed in sleep, it was with a prayer for visions of her. He wanted it so much, wanted her so he wouldn’t be walking alone, at least in his dreams. Now, he had this and it was as if he had been given the greatest of riches, precious gems piled in his hands.
With a happy sigh, he stepped out of the truck, turning back to unbuckle and pick up the sleeping boy. He carried Elias in and up to his bedroom where he bent over, placing him on
the narrow bed. Carefully, he tugged the boy’s boots off and dragged a lightweight blanket up to cover him, standing for a moment watching to make certain he didn’t wake.
Back out at the truck, he carefully opened the door on which Brenda rested, unbuckling and catching her before she dropped out, still she woke up with a start. Shifting her, he picked her up with an arm behind her back, the other underneath her knees. He suppressed a groan when he realized her skirt had ridden up her legs and he was clasping bare skin. “I can walk,” she murmured, cheek rubbing softly against his shoulder.
Bumping the truck door closed with a hip, he walked up the path to the house. “I know you can, Bee. But I already got you.” She sighed and shifted her head, nestling against him, sleep claiming her once again.
He carried her upstairs, gently setting her in the middle of her bed. Slipping off her shoes, he set them aside, fingers lingering for a moment to caress her instep and heel. Sliding his hands underneath her, he found the zipper for her dress, lowering it by feel, careful not to pinch her tender skin as he removed it.
The sight of her in a strapless bra and matching panty set caused his cock to fatten and grow, tenting the front of his jeans. She was so beautiful, skin glowing in the dim light seeping in from the hallway, and he lifted a hand, slowly stroking across her shoulder. He swallowed and his throat felt knotted and raw all at the same time. Shaking his head at his reaction, he gently tucked a blanket around her shoulders, his fingertips trailing along her skin for a moment, relishing the touch. He turned to drape her dress over a chair and then looked back down at her. Rich, thick sandy blonde hair spread across the pillow, features flawless, she looked relaxed and at ease, claimed by a deep sleep.
Beautiful, just as he remembered.
Glancing around her room, a framed photo on the dresser caught his eye. Bending to get a closer look, he sucked in a breath of surprise and picked it up. It was a picture of him and Brenda, taken the night before he’d left town. The night they were together. Out on the floor at a barn dance, the photographer captured them in the middle of a fast two-step. Brenda’s face tilted up to look at him, a broad smile stretching her lips, joy unmistakable in her expression.
In contrast, Reuben’s face held a look of pain and longing. He remembered that dance. The previous half hour had been spent sitting at one of the small tables listening to her talk about her bull rider for the first time. The interest she showed in the other man made it clear she wouldn’t be giving Reuben the green light for any play he might have wanted to make. Their conversation throughout the evening was why, when the opportunity presented itself, he had taken a chance to spend the night with her.
He set the frame back on the dresser and paced towards the door, mind still awash with memories. He was almost there when she called his name. Looking over his shoulder, he saw she had twisted in the bed, turning to face him, eyes half open. “Thank you,” she said softly, reaching out and patting the covers, her words and actions giving him a confused invitation.
He shook his head, glancing at the picture displayed out in the open where she could see his pain every day. Not sure what to make of it, he looked at her and quietly said, “No worries, Bee. See you in the morning.” Then he turned and walked out of the room, gently shutting the door behind him.
***
His fingers trailed gently across her mouth, back and forth, hypnotically stroking along the bow of her lips. He embraced her. Threaded his fingers through her hair, cupped his palm to the back of her head and cradled her tight to his shoulder for a moment more, knowing he would soon need to get up and leave. Tipping his chin down, he lightly kissed the top of her head and held his lips pressed to her hair, drawing in her scent.
Leaving Brenda was always the worst part of this dream, and as always, he was already struggling against the inevitable, trying to change the path ahead of him. Wishing and hoping with everything inside him he would get to hold to this feeling for a little longer, at least in his dream.
She was sleeping so sweetly. Calm, resting. Beautiful. God, she was so beautiful it hurt his heart, a hard band constricting and tightening around his chest. No, no, he thought, feeling his body begin the sideways slide that would take him from her bed. Give me just a few more minutes. Let me hold her. Please. Not yet. Merciless as always, the dream marched on around him, dragging him through. He stood at the side of the bed, looking down at her sleeping. Bending at the waist, he brought the covers up and tucked them carefully around her. Longing for the silk of her skin, his fingertips skimmed the softness of her bare shoulder.
She stirred in her sleep, dreaming in his dream and he soothed her with a breathless, “Shhhh. Little Bee. Shhhh.” Twisting to the side, he looked for paper, finding nothing on the motel desk. Standing at the dresser where he’d tossed his bag last night, he pulled out the Polaroid the photographer had handed him of them dancing, and saw the paper napkin tucked next to his shirts. Pen in hand, he stared at the blank paper for a moment, composing his thoughts.
Brenda, he wrote and paused, finally adding in my little Bee. Even knowing exactly what he would write, he paused again, then continued slowly, begrudging every sibilant stroke of the pen, I know this won’t make sense to you, but there is something I have to do. Something I left unfinished when I came back to Lamesa, and now I have to go take care of it. I’ll always treasure you, Bee, and I hope you know how much you mean to me.
His fingers itched to write the truth, to close the note with a declaration of love, but he knew it would be a disservice to Brenda, because he learned tonight that she loved another, her bull rider. So, instead of begging her to wait on him, instead of promising to return as soon as possible, instead of declaring he would be hers forever if she only wanted him, he simply wrote, Always, Reuben.
He dressed quickly but quietly and stood for another moment in the doorway watching her sleep. He had pulled the door shut and was turning to walk away from the room as he always did, heading to the truck to drive away when he felt it. Things had shifted. His feet still moved towards his pickup, but he did it with his head turned towards the room, seeing the door easing back open and a shadow filling the open space. “Why you runnin’, Rue?”
At that voice coming from so near his Bee, he tried to freeze, attempted unsuccessfully to halt his steps. His body climbed into the cab of the truck, fingers wrapping tightly around the wheel as he saw Ray’s silhouette retreat from the doorway, hand reaching out to push the door closed, teeth glinting in what he knew had to be a wicked smile. “Why you runnin’, bro? Got you a sweet piece of ass here. Finally tagged that pussy and now you’re walking away? Loser. Just a loser, like always.”
Key to the ignition, his hand twisted it viciously, the truck’s engine roaring to life. “You walk away, you leave me no choice.” Sweat broke out on his face and shoulders as he fought against the pull of the dream. He felt the sheet underneath him dragging against his damp skin, that physical sensation anchored in reality. It’s just a dream.
“I’ll own her, brother. Rest of her life, she’ll remember you were the one that lead me to her.” The truck reversed out of the parking space and pulled into traffic, accelerating quickly while he stared out the back window at the shadow moving through the room behind the sheer curtains, heading towards the bed where his Brenda lay. Just a dream.
“No choice. We are what he made us into. What we were made to be.” The voice hissed, “I am what I am.” The motel receded into the distance, but Ray’s voice was still loud, sounding as if it came from right beside him, maybe even from inside his head. “And, you are what you are, Rue. Blind and weak. Always were, always will be. I own her now.”
With a jerk, Reuben sat up in bed, palms scrubbing against his face, wiping the sweat away along with the last vestiges of the nightmare. He stood, leaving the dream sodden bed and walked into the hallway, pausing for a moment to listen to the sounds of restless sleep coming from Eli’s room.
Turning, he padded to Brenda’s door, soundlessly op
ening it, sucking in a breath when he saw her lying there, bare shoulders illuminated by moonlight streaming through the window. Peaceful. Resting. Ray never got his hooks into her, never found out how much she meant to Reuben. Thank God, I saved her from that, at least.
Making amends
Walking into the town’s main feed store the next morning, where the ranch had done business since he was a kid, Reuben entered a space so filled with tension it was palpable. He couldn’t be certain, but as he approached the counter, he thought some of what he was sensing was anger, and that anger was definitely directed towards him. He stopped near the register and nodded at a dark-haired woman standing behind the counter. She was on the phone and didn’t respond, but he didn’t think it would have mattered, because five seconds before she gave him her back, she had thrown him a blistering look of profound contempt.
Turning to an older man he recognized as the owner, Reuben smiled a greeting. “Mister Kennwort, good to see you, sir. How are you?” That got him a grunted response and he frowned, not understanding what he had walked into, but not liking it at all. He decided to get straight to business. “I need to order some feed,” he tried, and found an order pad wordlessly tossed towards him from the side.
“Write down what you want. I’ll give Brenda a call and verify.” These terse words came from the woman and he turned to look at her again. The woman—who he wasn’t sure he had ever met—was off the phone, glaring at him as if she hated him with every fiber of her being.
“Yeah,” he drawled out the word, annoyed, “if you’re gonna call Brenda, then clearly you know who I am. So, why don’t I just place the order.” Shaking his head, he reached out to pull the pad closer, looking up and down the counter for a pen. One skittered noisily towards him from the other direction. He stopped it with the palm of one hand and tilted his head up to look at the woman, waiting for her reaction.
Rebel Wayfarers MC Boxset 3 Page 41