“I’m sorry,” Andrew murmured.
Fixated on the tiny movements of Andrew’s fingers, wondering if his friend would actually touch him, it took Brian a few moments to register the words.
“Huh?” He looked up blankly at Andrew. “What for?”
Andrew stared at where their hands were resting so close to each other. “For telling you how I felt when I did. It was unfair. But seeing Elle and James like that, and after they asked me about being the best man, I . . .” He shrugged and his finger got a fraction of a bit closer to Brian’s. “I don’t know. It made me sad, I guess. I thought maybe I was jealous of James. It could have been me with Elle like that.”
Something in Brian’s chest clenched so tight he almost whimpered. He did wince though. Andrew and Elle had once seemed inevitable to him. They had just belonged. But then Elle had broken Andrew’s heart and Brian had never really forgiven her for hurting him, even after Andrew had said it wasn’t entirely her fault they broke up. If Andrew wanted Elle back, Brian didn’t think he could handle that. It hurt to think of her with him again.
“I was jealous, but not of James, or Elle. They’re happy together and they work better than Elle and I ever did.”
The monorail came to a stop and out of his window, Brian saw the main lake. A speedboat roared past, cutting a wide wake, which two skiers used to launch themselves into jumps and spins.
“Crap. The show’s started.” Brian went to get up but Andrew caught his hand.
“Can we stay here? I need to finish this.”
Unable to deny Andrew most things, Brian nodded and relaxed back into his seat. Elle would rip him a new one, and she might even have a go at Andrew, but that didn’t matter when Andrew’s brown eyes locked onto his.
People got off the monorail and others got on. Thankfully no one got too close to the soaking wet guys up the back and when they were in motion again, Andrew continued.
“I was jealous of what they have. Of their happiness.”
Brian nodded. “I think we all are. They don’t even try to hide it from us single losers.”
“Right?” Andrew sighed and tipped his head back. “I just wanted that again. I’m tired of being sad.”
Brian wanted to tell Andrew it would be okay, but his throat was so tight it would come out as a croak if he tried.
“So, I got drunk and went for broke. It was wrong and I’m sorry. I meant what I said and I get that it’s probably not what you expected to hear, or want to hear. I’m not going to do or say anything that’ll make you uncomfortable. If you can’t live with me anymore, that’s okay. We can sort out a schedule with Archy. Or if you don’t want anything more to do with me, I’ll understand. You can take Archy. You can have the townhouse, since it’s close to the hospital. I’ll find somewhere else.”
Jesus. Brian’s heart felt like it had suddenly become super dense, weighing down his chest so he could barely breath or speak. The last three days had been bad enough. What would life be like without Andrew in it in some way? Brian barely had any memories of a time when Andrew wasn’t around. If he lost his best friend, it would be like losing a limb. No. More like losing a lung because that was what Andrew was to him—life-giving air. If Andrew went away, he’d still be able to breathe, but it wouldn’t be as deep. Fear shifted the heaving lump in his chest enough he could talk.
“You’re not going anywhere,” Brian said firmly and cupped Andrew’s cheek. “And neither am I. We’ll sort this out, one way or another.”
Andrew stared at him for a long moment, then nodded. Not exactly bursting with joy, but agreeable at least.
The motion of Andrew’s head shifted Brian’s little finger down over the corner of his jaw and it settled into something slippery on his neck.
“Ugh. I think you have something here.” Brian tilted Andrew’s head further to the side and peered at the spot.
Andrew stiffened and pulled away, leaving Brian’s hand hanging in mid-air. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
Frowning, Brian lowered his hand and rubbed his fingers together, feeling the substance. It was smooth and a bit oily as he smeared it further. “Is this foundation? Do you have makeup on?”
“I said it’s nothing.”
The gruff tone was so distant from the low, soft confessional one Andrew had just been using it set Brian’s hackles on edge. “No, it’s clearly something. What’s it for?”
Andrew tried to shift away from him but Brian, uncaring of how it looked, climbed right on top of him and pinned him to the seat. He grabbed Andrew’s chin and turned his head to the side. Sure enough, right there, under the corner of his jaw, was a now messy patch of foundation a shade or two lighter than Andrew’s tanned skin.
“Brian, don’t,” Andrew said, but Brian ignored the plea and wiped his thumb over the area, exposing a purple bruise with yellowing on the edges about the size of a twenty-cent piece.
“You got a hickey.” Brian sat back on Andrew’s knees. That lump of coal that his heart had become erupted into flames. “You have a fucking hickey.”
“It’s not what it looks like.”
“It looks like a hickey. Let me guess, you fell on the vacuum cleaner.” He shoved off Andrew and stood up, hands curling into fists at his sides. “From a purely medical point of view, do you know that they can be deadly? They can create clots that go into your brain and cause strokes. Maybe that’s already happened because it’s the only way I can understand you right now.”
“Brian,” Andrew began but Brian spun and stalked away.
The other passengers had gone quiet and they watched Brian walk between them, then looked back at Andrew on his own. A woman with grey hair in a braid and sitting between two kids who were probably grandchildren said, “You tell him, honey,” to Brian as he slumped into a seat at the front of the car.
Brian gave her a tight smile then turned to look out the window. The big lake was coming back into view and two jet-skis, undoubtedly James and Troy, were duelling it out with spins and flips and jumps. The sight blurred as tears collected.
Andrew got off the monorail behind Brian and followed him at a safe distance. Brian kept turning every now and then to glare at him but didn’t do or say anything else.
How many bloody times could Andrew wreck his own life? He couldn’t even blame this self-destruction on depression. This was entirely his own conscious fault.
Andrew had finally been talking and Brian was listening. He’d even cupped Andrew’s face, seemingly not concerned by that intimacy in a public setting. It had been going well. So naturally, it had to be screwed up by something Andrew did.
“Should have asked for waterproof makeup,” he muttered and watched hopelessly as Brian made a sharp turn and went into the toilets.
“Look who finally decides to show up.”
“Shit.” Andrew closed his eyes but it didn’t hide him from Elle, sadly.
“Good job, Andrew,” she snapped as she came to a furious stop right in front of him. “We came to watch James and Troy and you missed it. Where’s Brian? Is he why you missed the show? And why are you soaked?”
Opening his eyes was a mistake. Elle was livid. Arms crossed, eyes narrowed, lips pressed into a tight line. Off to the side, Carly gave Andrew a sympathetic grimace and shrug.
“I’m sorry we missed the show. It’s on again later, right?” Andrew didn’t like confrontations. He preferred quiet and calm discussion. So did Elle, usually. Something must have already had her riled up.
“And when we meet them for lunch now, what are you going to say about the show you haven’t seen?”
“They’ll understand. It’s not like I haven’t seen them on jet-skis before. How different could it be?”
She shook her head in the way that meant she was gearing up for a big fight. “I don’t care how different or similar it was to every other show we’ve had to sit through. The fact is that James was so proud of this one he really wanted all of us to see it. Especially you. You’ve been so
absently lately and we’ve missed you, but James—” She cut herself off, teeth clacking together as she pulled in a couple of deep breaths. “James has been convinced you hate him since we got together, and honestly, Andrew, I think he’s right sometimes.”
“I don’t hate him.”
Elle glared and spoke over him. “And the way you made him wait about the best man thing only made it worse. I know everyone thinks he only asked because of the cancer, but he didn’t. You’re one of his closest friends, you know that. It was the hardest thing for him to decide it was you he wanted up there with him on our wedding day and you couldn’t even reassure him that you would be there for him.”
“I said yes,” Andrew reminded her when she stopped to swipe angrily at her eyes.
“When he begged you.” Her chin scrunched up and the tears overflowed. “I know I don’t deserve it, but I was really hoping you were at least happy for James.”
Crap. Andrew risked life and limb and pulled her to his chest. “I am. I’m happy for you both, and you do deserve it. I mean it, Ella Bella.” He pushed his face into her mass of brown curls like he used to.
She sobbed and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Sometimes you don’t show it.”
“Doesn’t mean I don’t feel it though.”
Elle sighed and the last of the tension left her. “I know. But maybe you could work on it a bit? I mean, James isn’t big on subtlety. He kind of needs to be clubbed over the head with things sometimes.”
“Okay, I’ll work on it.” He squeezed her a bit and murmured, “James told me about the pastor at the church. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.”
She stiffened for a second, then sagged again. “Thanks, but I sort of went in expecting it. Remember the looks we got when we went to our senior dance together?”
“Yeah. They were mostly jealous though.” They hadn’t been, but that was what he and Elle had told each other all night, making jokes about it to keep each other laughing.
Elle chuckled now. “I doubt the pastor was secretly lusting after either James or my shoes. He was just a racist arsehole.”
“Are you sure? What shoes did you have on?”
Her laugh was full bodied this time and she lightly slapped his back, then pulled back. “Do you think parts of my family are jealous of my sandals too?”
Andrew frowned. “Really? Your own family?”
“The extended bits, some of them, yeah.” She shrugged and tidied her hair. “It’s not much, just a few comments about how I’ve only had white boyfriends, and now I’m marrying one.”
“Ella Bella.” Andrew reached for her again and she let him tuck her into his side.
“It’s just a couple of them, but they’re loud, you know. Dad’s not having a bar of it, though, so they’ll shut up. Eventually.”
Elle’s dad hadn’t liked Andrew much, though that was mostly because of him being her “first” rather than the colour of his skin. Mr. Tally much preferred James, mostly because they could talk fishing for hours.
“Your dad will set them straight,” he agreed. Over the top of her head, Andrew saw Brian. He was standing beside Carly, watching them with a blank expression. “So, while we’re having potentially awkward conversations, can I ask you something?”
“Anything.” Elle stepped away from him again, this time so she could look up at him enquiringly.
“Stop telling people Brian’s gay.”
Elle blinked. “What?”
She seemed genuinely surprised but a spark of anger flared in Andrew all the same. “James told me that you’d said Brian was gay. You know better than that. It’s not your place to speculate about it with anyone else.”
“I’m well aware of that. I never said he was, to anyone.”
“Well, James was pretty convinced you’d told him. Swore up and down that you had.”
“I didn’t . . .” She trailed off with a frown. “I mean, we talked about him never having a serious relationship with a woman. And that his longest ever relationship was with you.”
Andrew jerked in surprise. “We’re not in a relationship.”
“Oh, get your knickers out of a knot,” she scolded. “A relationship doesn’t automatically mean a romantic one. A friendship is a relationship. And let’s face it, Brian’s never had a romantic one.”
Hoping like hell he hadn’t overheard anything, Andrew checked up on Brian’s whereabouts. He and Carly had moved further away to a kiosk and were trying on hats that looked like fish.
“Of course he has. There was Lena in uni and Simone before that.”
Elle smiled gently at him and squeezed his arm. “Friends with benefits. He wasn’t in love with them. Simone might have been in love with him, but Lena certainly wasn’t.” At his frown, she added, “It was obvious to anyone who looked close enough.”
It was a possibility. Andrew had never seen any overtly romantic behaviour between Brian and Simone, or Lena, and even though Brian had been sad when he split with them, he hadn’t seemed too affected. The realisation cut into him hard. If Brian hadn’t been in love with either Simone or Lena, then the chances for Andrew were absolutely miniscule.
“I didn’t say he was gay,” Elle reiterated, “but that’s probably how James took it. Like how you got all offended when I said he had a relationship with you.”
“Yeah.” Andrew pressed down on a surge of hopelessness. It didn’t matter that he’d ruined things already. He’d never had a real chance with Brian anyway. “Yeah, I guess. Sorry for accusing you.”
“It’s okay. We sorted it.” Her smile was bright and forgiving. “We always do.”
“I guess.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “I really am happy for you and James, Ella Bella. I’ll be proud to stand up with both of you.”
“That’s my fiancé you’re kissing, dude!”
Andrew laughed as James barrelled into him and carried him away from Elle. He twisted until he got the other man into a headlock. James shimmied out of it and they mock boxed.
“Boys!” Elle threw her hands up and went over to Carly and Brian.
“What did you think of the show?” James slung an arm around Andrew’s neck. “I think it’s more dynamic than the last one, right? I mean, we got close enough on that last jump to high five.”
Why the hell was Elle always right about these things?
“Um, sorry, mate, but I missed the show.”
Some of the light faded from James’s beaming smile. “Why?” Then he frowned and peeled away from him. “You’re wet.”
James himself was dry and in his regular clothes, though his hair was a bit damp. For someone who’d just been in a high-octane jet-ski show, he was drier than Andrew.
“’Tis a long story, my friend, full of nefarious deeds and a devious doctor.”
“I resemble that comment,” Brian called.
James laughed and patted Andrew’s shoulder. “All is forgiven. Staying for the next show?”
“Of course. There will be chaffing very soon, but I’ll struggle through manfully for you. Where’s Troy?”
“Trying to convince some of the ladies to join us for lunch.”
Andrew groaned. “Don’t do it. I’m not interested.” He really wasn’t. Bi or not, he was completely hung up on his best friend, even if he was just coming to understand how hopeless it was.
“Meh. They’re good people. Widen your friend circle, it’ll do you good.”
Rolling his eyes, Andrew let James drag him along as they went in search of food. Troy caught up to them at the café, a couple of young women with him, and James was right, they were fun and lively. Thankfully no one tried to push him closer to either of them and neither of them seemed overtly interested in him. They just chatted and laughed as a group, even if Brian wouldn’t talk directly to Andrew and barely looked at him. It got worse when Troy saw the hickey and pointed it out loudly. He led the inquisition until he suddenly yelped and jumped in his chair.
“Who kicked me?” He peered ar
ound suspiciously.
“Wasn’t me,” Carly said.
James shook his head and everyone eyed the only other person it could have been.
“He was being a dick,” Brian muttered and shoved another tomato sauce covered chip into his mouth.
“That hurt.” Troy pouted. “I have another show to do.”
“You’re fine.” Brian’s tone was cold. “And maybe you’ll think twice before prying into other people’s private business.”
“It was just a joke,” Troy muttered when no one else defended him.
Andrew tried to catch Brian’s eye for a thank you head bob, but Brian focused intently on his food. Carly leaned over and whispered to him and Brian just shrugged.
Conversation picked up again and after another half hour, the ski team members had to go. Elle and Carly decided to call it a day and go do secret wedding stuff.
Leaving Andrew and Brian sitting at opposite ends of the table.
“You can go if you want,” Andrew said to him. “I’m going to stick around for the next show.”
“I’m driving you home. I’ll stay.”
“Can we talk?”
“At home.”
Disappointment warred with a spark of hope. Brian was at least coming home with him. Andrew would just have to convince him to stay once he was there.
They stuck around at the lake arena rather than wander around again. Brian wouldn’t get too close and he only talked in single syllables or grunts. They ended up spending more time looking at their phones than each other.
At almost the same moment, the phones signalled incoming messages. Andrew glanced at Brian, then at his screen.
‘You and Brian okay?’ From Elle.
‘Fine,’ he sent, then, ‘What makes you think we aren’t?’
The three dots flashed at him for a moment, then, ‘Observant person intuition.’ Followed by thinking and winking emojis.
Beside him, Brian was tapping at his screen and grimacing. He looked up as if feeling Andrew’s gaze. “Carly,” he muttered. “Being nosy.”
The New Normal Page 10