Only me.
I let my head fall back against the wall with a thump and bent my knees to rest my arms on them. This is why I hated anywhere that wasn’t the Point. It was too damn quiet and there was too much time to think. There was too much space for my mind to wander across all the ways I’d fucked up.
I thought I’d done a decent job keeping how I felt about her under lock and key. I didn’t really get along with Race as it was. I resented the hell out of the fact he’d made a conscious choice to get into a life of crime. He actually picked blood and bullets instead of having them thrust upon him. I followed orders like a good little soldier. I did what he asked without question and paid my dues. What I didn’t do was stay away from Karsen, even after he demanded it. That was my first mistake. My second one was letting the blond bastard know I had a weakness. That there was something out there that scared me more than death . . . terrified me more than anything he could possibly dream of doing to me. I should have known he would use my fear against me, I just had no clue he’d be so ruthless when it came to keeping Karsen away from me. He loved her like she was his own, but he still manipulated her like she was a pawn on his chessboard.
Around and around my mind went until the sun came up. Around the time dawn colored the sky and I could see the light filtering in through the living room blinds, I realized there was no going back from the things I’d done. There was no fixing this, and there was no forgiveness. I didn’t have the right ask for or expect it. It was asking for too much, when she’d already given me more than anyone else in my life.
I hated Race and the way he went about separating us, but he was right to want me out of Karsen’s life. It didn’t matter that she was the only one who saw past my scars and scowls. She wasn’t meant for me, and I had no right to try and bring her down to my level when she was born to rise to the top. I’d spent four years imagining what it would be like when Karsen could finally make her own choices. It never occurred to me that after all this time she wouldn’t choose me. I needed to take her home and then I needed to let her go. It was time. I was holding onto something that was never meant to be mine.
It was time to set her free.
I let out a yawn so big my jaw popped painfully as I rubbed my gritty, irritated eyes. I hadn’t spent a full night on guard duty in a long time. My body wasn’t used to the stillness and the silence. I needed to get up and move to get the blood circulating.
I was climbing to my feet, spine and knees cracking in a way that indicated I was getting too damn old for this shit, when the bedroom door flew open to reveal a startled Karsen. Her hair was a tangled blonde halo around her head, and she had red lines on her face from the comforter. Her brown eyes were wide and wild as they locked on me. Her tongue darted out and slicked across her lower lip leaving a wet trail across the plump surface. God, a taste. I would die for just one taste and it would be so worth it. I wouldn’t mind burning in hell if it meant I got to take her flavor with me.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I was planning on checking into a hotel for the night.” She looked at me and then at the floor where I’d been posted all night. A confused frown tugged at her brows and she licked her lip again. “Did you stay here all night?”
I bit back a groan at the sight of her lush mouth, damp and soft from sleep. I jerked my head in a nod and ordered myself to put all those lustful thoughts into a cage once and for all. I was letting her go. She wasn’t mine to keep. I couldn’t have her, and I needed to remember that from here on out.
“Yeah. The front door was broken and the shady shit with the boyfriend makes me twitchy. I figured no one was getting by me so it was okay to let you sleep. You had a rough day.” My night was pretty rough, too. Ensuring she was taken care of was paramount. I needed a shower and a cup of coffee, though. My brain felt like it was made of cotton candy and my neck felt like it had iron bands tightening around it.
Karsen shifted her weight on her feet and crossed her arms over her chest. “You didn’t have to do that. It was my dumb mistake. I’ve been making a lot of those lately.” She blew out a breath and some of her hair floated around her face.
I couldn’t control the urge to reach out and move a wayward strand behind her ear. My fingers drifted lightly over the delicate shell of her ear and heat infused her face. Her high cheekbones flared bright pink and the gold in her eyes seemed to glow.
“We all make mistakes.” My voice was barely more than a rough rumble of sound. “Some there are no coming back from.” I wasn’t sure if I was telling her that, or myself.
She shivered and turned her head suddenly; her cheek was resting in my palm. The heat of her skin warmed me all the way down to my soul, and I knew I was going to feel the silky imprint of her skin against mine until I drew my last breath.
“And some mistakes have to be made so we can learn important lessons from them.” She took a step back and rubbed her hands over her face. “It’s too early for this. Let me put some coffee on and we can take turns in the bathroom.” She eyed me up and down and cocked a brow in question. “Do we need to get your stuff from wherever it is you’re staying?”
“No. Everything is taken care of. You’re going to need a lot of coffee and an open mind when I lay out how your trip home is going to go. I know you’re not going to like most of what I have to say, but I want you to know it’s all to keep you safe. I’m going to get you home in one piece if it's the last thing I do.”
She opened her mouth like she was about to argue, then just as quickly snapped it shut. She turned back toward the bathroom but paused after a step and turned to look at me over her shoulder. “Booker, I think I knew you would stay. That’s why I fell asleep. Regardless of how things ended the last time I saw you, I know deep down you would never let anyone else hurt me. You’ve always done everything you could to protect me from the rest of the world.” And with that admission, she turned.
I watched her walk away and wondered how I was supposed to protect her from the rest of the world once I got her home and handed her over to her family.
This was exactly why I never tried to do the right thing . . . it was much harder than letting all the wrong things that had always ruled so much of my life define who I was.
Karsen
“What did you really mean when you said you were done waiting for me?”
We were somewhere across the border of Utah, with no phone or laptop per Booker’s vehement insistence, it had been several hours of drawn-out silence and awkward tension between the two of us. The radio in the older sedan didn’t seem to work, and it had the stale scent of old cigarette smoke embedded within the cracked and faded interior. Every time I caught a whiff, I was pissed all over again that I’d let him convince me to leave my perfectly fine SUV behind. Logically, I understood why he was putting all these precautions in place, but it was still annoying. I offered to drive since Booker was obviously tired from his night playing sentinel but wasn’t surprised when he turned me down. I was quick enough to pick up on the fact he was more worried about me knowing the exact details of our secret route back home than he was about my ability behind the wheel. He seemed to think I was going to sell him out and try and contact my sister with my whereabouts as soon as I was able to. I was smarter than that and annoyed he was still treating me like the kid who blindly followed directions without question. We’d been on the road close to four hours and not a single word had passed between us.
I was suffocating on the silence.
Drowning in the monotony of the landscape.
And my wandering thoughts were making me antsy and uncomfortable in the small space. When I got up this morning, I’d immediately started beating myself up for falling asleep so carelessly. The door was broken. Someone was messing around with my life. And maybe the most dangerous element—Booker—was close by with an agenda he still hadn’t clarified for me. There was no way I should have been able to close my eyes and drift off with all of the unknowns circling around me like a collection of dark
clouds. A storm was brewing and I needed to make sure I was braced for it, not resting on my laurels or sleeping the sleep of the innocent and unconcerned.
But I had.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept straight through the night like that. I usually woke up at least once, tangled in my sheets and covered in sweat as I relived the worst day of my life over and over again in my dreams. Growing up in the Point was a recipe for restless nights and nightmares. Last night I must have subconsciously known it was safe to let go and relax. I meant what I had said to Booker earlier. The only person he’d ever let hurt me was him. No one else got close enough to leave marks because they had to go through him first. A lot of things had changed since I left home, but his instinct to protect and shield me from all the dark and dangerous things had not.
I wanted to know why he came after me now. I wanted to know what had changed, besides me. Why did he tell me it was time?
I turned to face him from where I was curled up in the passenger seat. He kept his eyes trained on the road, and I noticed the lines at the corners were much deeper now, and he had a new scar on the side of his neck. He had dark circles under his eyes, and every fifteen minutes or so he would let out a yawn that made him look like a lion mid-roar. His normally swarthy skin was pale, making his scar appear less pronounced than normal. He looked exhausted, but his gaze remained sharp, and there was no mistaking the coiled readiness keeping his big body taut from head to toe. It was evident he was ready to explode into action at any given moment, regardless of his less-than-restful evening.
I sighed and tapped my fingers on my bare knee, which was sticking out through a hole in my jeans. I’d packed in a rush, taking only the basics and leaving mostly everything else for the movers to haul to storage. I still wasn’t sure where I was going to end up after the wedding and the state of existing in constant limbo was starting to get exhausting. I never thought I was going to be the type of person still struggling to find their place, their calling, after college. When I left the Point, all I wanted was to put distance between the man sitting next to me and my still-broken heart. I imagined I would figure out what I was meant to do and who I was supposed to be somewhere along the way, but I hadn’t. I was educated, but clueless, and the longer I spent with Booker, the more I still felt like that teenager from the Point, hopelessly in love with both a city and a man who could never love her back.
“I always felt like I was the one waiting for you. Waiting for you to get out of the hospital after you’d been shot. Waiting to hear if you were alive or dead after whatever job Race or Nassir sent you out on. Waiting for you to finally notice me. Waiting for you to see me as something more than the annoying kid next door.” I sighed and turned to look out the windshield. “I waited every day for you to love me back until you forced me to realize you never would. You can’t have love without respect and you never respected me the way I respected you.” I’d looked up to him so much. The way he always seemed to have a part of him that resisted and revolted against the bad things he did. He wasn’t a nice man, he wasn’t a hero by any stretch of the imagination. But I could tell there was a part of him that wanted to be, he just didn’t know how.
He lifted a hand off the steering wheel and used his thumb to trace his scar. I watched the movement out of the corner of my eye. I’d always wanted to feel that imperfection under my fingertips. I wanted to touch it, to caress it. I wanted him to know I thought it was insignificant and I loved it the same as I loved the rest of his face. I gritted my back teeth and curled my fingers into a ball, nails digging into my palms. That wasn't nearly as forgotten as I would have liked. The desire to get up close and personal with both his flaws and his perfections was there, right under the surface of my skin. Tickling along my nerves and making my fingers twitch.
Booker let out a long, slow breath and his eyes flitted in my direction before turning back to the road. “Of course I respected you. Still do.” He cracked his neck and rolled his heavy shoulders, muscles straining under the cotton of his faded t-shirt.
“I always admired the way you bounced back from whatever life in the Point threw at you. You didn’t fall apart when your family did. You stood by your sister when she decided to make a life with a criminal . . . a life that could very well get both of you killed. You finished high school even though the other kids gave you a hard time for having opportunities they never did. You never backed down or broke when you were threatened by men who would have ended you without a second thought. Somehow you have always managed to see the good in the people around you, even when no one else bothers to try. You believed the city was worth saving when everyone else was ready to let it burn. No one has a heart as big and accepting as yours, which is a miracle considering how many times it’s been kicked around. You’re one of the strongest, most capable people I’ve ever met, and knowing you has forced me to look at my life and the choices I make in a new light. I’ve always done whatever I needed to in order to survive, regardless of how that affects anyone else. I’ve never done anything simply because it was the right thing, or because it made someone else’s life better. I never cared about that before you.”
He sighed and his eyebrows shot down into a sharply pointed V over his nose. “I convinced myself I was waiting for you to realize you knew me better than anyone else ever has, so you would instinctively know, you would understand, I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.” He rubbed his scar again and his eyes lifted from the road in front of us. The silver threaded through the darker blues and gray glittered with an emotion I couldn’t quite pin down. “When you left, I was certain I couldn’t live my life without you in it, Karsen. I was ready to do whatever I had to in order to bring you back, but I understand now, I need to do whatever it takes to let you go.”
My breath caught in my chest and my eyes popped wide. My fingers shook where they were locked together, and I felt my stupid, silly heart skip several beats. “What do you mean, you felt like you couldn’t live without me?” I snorted and felt my face flame at the memory of our painful goodbye. “From where I was standing, it looked like you had plenty of company to keep you entertained while I was gone.”
Nope. I wasn’t bitter about his betrayal at all.
He barked out a laugh that held no humor. “Are you kidding me? Do you think those women ever asked me about my day? Do you think they gave a single shit when something went really, really wrong on the streets and brought me cookies and stayed with me until I got my head back on straight? Do you think they would have cried over me when I was barely alive in ICU? Do you honestly believe either of them ever looked at me and saw anything but my fucked-up face? Those are the kind of girls you take to bed and forget about as soon as the lights are back on; the kinds of girls you get off with and then send home. You were the only person who treated me like I was a human being, Karsen. To you, I was just a man. Not a weapon or a shield. Not a means to an end. Not an ex-con or thug. When you left, the only person in my whole life who helped me see myself as someone worthy of more than the bare minimum I’d conditioned myself to accept was gone. When you left, you took every reason I had to try and be a better man with you.”
I purposely uncurled my fingers and took my time before quietly telling him, “That’s the problem with men like you, Booker. You shouldn’t need a reason to be a better man. You should simply be one.” It was on the tip of my tongue that I hadn’t cared he was never good back then. I would have blindly taken him any way he came, knowing good and well I was climbing into bed with a bad guy. Eventually the choices that made him someone to fear and avoid would inevitably blow back on me.
Even knowing that, I’d have taken him any way I could have gotten him, and I had been willing to deal with the inevitable fallout that loving Booker would bring.
He wrapped both of his hands around the steering wheel and his knuckles turned white as he squeezed them tightly enough to make his knuckles pop. “In my world, being a better man could end up getting me killed. I
t’s never something I wanted. It was guys like Nassir and Bax, boys like Race, whom I always looked up to. I wanted to be so bad, so feared, no one would dare mess with me. I wanted to be a legend like Novak. No one fucked with him. He had the entire city under his thumb.” I couldn’t stop a gasp when he mentioned Bax’s dad. The man was the most brutal, cruel, and vengeful crime boss the Point had ever seen. Bax and Race nearly died trying to take control of the Point away from the horrible man. I couldn't believe Booker was telling me he looked up to such a monster. “When I got out of prison, I told myself I was willing to do whatever it took to get on that level. Nothing was off limits. No job was too dangerous or too dirty. But then I met you, and I realized there are some lines not worth crossing if it means you surrender your soul completely. When you walked into my apartment that day, it was the first time I was something other than human in your eyes, and I realized how much I lost trying to be someone I never was.”
“Who were you trying to be?” He’d always been so uniquely himself. A man unto himself, loyal to no one but himself and whomever paid his bill. I liked that about him. Liked that he wasn’t intimidated by the men in my life. Liked that he could hold his own amongst the sharks swimming around me.
He gave another one of those self-deprecating laughs and I watched as his shoulders locked up so tightly there was no way he could turn and look at me.
“I was trying to be a guy who was working at doing the right thing.” I shivered. How could shattering my heart ever be the right thing?
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