Broken for Me_Be for Me_Hunter

by Natalie Anderson

I had to go sooner than planned. You deserve every happiness in life and I truly hope you find it. Don’t try to find me again. It’s over. We’re better off without each other.

  She was better off alone and he was better off finding someone else.

  Her heart raced as she ran to her room. She travelled light and it took less than ten minutes to get all her possessions into the small pack.

  “I need to get off the island tonight,” she said to Tamati when she found him in the office.

  “Is everything okay?” He looked concerned.

  “Everything’s fine,” she rushed her speech. “I just need some space. Quickly.”

  “Has something happened?” Tamati’s frown grew and he glanced in the direction of Hunter’s villa.

  She touched his arm gratefully. “No, it’s fine. I just… we want different things and it’s better for me to go rather than get heartbroken.”

  “Heartbroken?” Tamati echoed, stunned. “Then he doesn’t deserve you. Don’t worry. We’ll stall him for the night.”

  Luisa didn’t imagine that anything would stop Hunter if he set his mind to it. Not even miles of ocean and no boat.

  * * *

  “Where’s Luisa?” Hunter frowned at the manager of the island resort. His blood was pumping and his muscles twitching. Fighting the urge to run was making his jaw ache.

  “I couldn’t say.” The manager’s reply was laconic but underlined with a hard edge.

  She wasn’t working the bar. He’d glanced in at her room and her bed was neatly made. The notebooks and that tin of pencils were gone though. Of course they were.

  He didn’t need the man to tell him she’d gone, her lame-ass little note had done that. And he realized what the staff were doing with their slow, uninformative replies and their inability to look him in the eye. They were keeping him here for another night. Giving her the time to make a clean getaway. She didn’t trust him not to follow her. She didn’t want him to follow her. He stalked back to the beach and stared out to the horizon. So fucked off he could hardly think.

  Better off without each other.

  What kind of weak bullshit was that?

  This wasn’t over. It had only been getting better between them. But he’d opened up to her—and he never did that—and she’d run the first chance she could. Snuck away while he was asleep. Couldn’t she handle the blurry mess of his background? Was she some kind of social snob?

  He knew that wasn’t it. But it picked his most vulnerable scab—that part of him that had never healed. He never spoke of his past, and the one time he did, this happened? For the first time he’d truly relaxed around someone and he’d opened up. Now he felt cheated and… worthless. He hated that she’d made him feel worthless. Like he wasn’t good enough for her to stick around for or to be honest with.

  In this second he hated her for that.

  And he damn well wasn’t going to hunt her down—she didn’t need to go to the trouble of asking other people to hold him back. That just added insult to injury.

  He swigged bourbon straight from the bottle, needing the burn to warm his ice-up veins. Standing on the sunlit beach of this tropical paradise, he was so fucking cold.

  Luisa Williams was a coward. She ran from things she couldn’t cope with and she couldn’t cope with her feelings for him. He’d been trying to give her time—to give them time because it had taken only a couple of days before he’d realized there was more to this pull between them than just the physical. Hell, for the first time in his life he’d actually been having pure and simple fun—he’d been falling…

  But she’d bolted.

  He could see that she’d be better off without him—a moody ass who put himself in danger for a living. Who didn’t smile enough. Didn’t speak enough. He got that he wasn’t the life of the party like she was. He poured another triple nip straight into his mouth. But why would he be better off without her? Or was that just some platitude because she didn’t want to ‘hurt’ him.

  He stilled, then spat out the drink. Luisa’s nature was generous and she felt things deeply. He also knew that she didn’t want to feel things deeply. That was what she was fighting within herself.

  She truly wouldn’t want to hurt him—so why did she think she’d be able to? What was it about herself that she thought he needed protecting from? What hadn’t she told him? What were the last of those secrets in her eyes? Because there were more secrets, he knew it.

  He had too many unanswered questions. And he also knew what he was going to do.

  Again.

  * * *

  Luisa unfolded the tray-table on the airplane and grimaced as she opened her journal. She’d been stalling going home for so long. The check-up with her oncologist couldn’t be avoided and she couldn’t avoid her family for much longer either. It wasn’t fair on them. She’d thought she was being so strong, so brave, so awesome, but it was totally the opposite of that. She’d been a complete coward.

  As for Hunter…

  She should have been honest with him. She should have explained that she was too broken and that she didn’t want him trying to be the glue for her. Whether he wanted her to not, it hadn’t been fair to run away. Again.

  She flipped through the pages of her journal, her tin of pencils open on her lap. She had a few hours on the plane and given she was never going to sleep, it was the perfect time to add in some pages. She hadn’t added anything in the last few days because she hadn’t had the time. But now she couldn’t bring herself to paint anything, to draw. Certainly not to write. She couldn’t bring herself to remember. But she couldn’t block the memories—they swamped her, swirling not just in her mind, but in her body until she was one big desolated ache.

  How would he have reacted to her disappearance? He’d opened up to her and she’d used him…

  Maybe he was relieved she’d gone? Maybe he was over all her drama and happy she’d gone already. That’d be fair enough. But she couldn’t quite believe that he’d not be bothered and she felt guilty for the way she’d walked out. He’d been as intensely into her as she’d been into him. Now every fiber yearned. She missed him.

  Oh she was so viciously selfish.

  All the guilt washed over her—the way she’d avoided visiting her poor parents. Hunter would never do that to his if he knew who they were. He understood too well the heartache of loneliness and isolation. He was a much better person than she and he’d be so disappointed in her if he knew the true extent of her emotional cowardice.

  She understood now how much her parents had wanted to protect her, because they loved her. In the same way she’d wanted to protect Hunter because she’d fallen for him. But she’d mucked it up.

  Surely she could learn from his example—to find, to try to forgive, to try to make things better?

  She breathed out in a moment of respite. She’d see her parents. Then she’d go find him and offer that apology in person.

  But a tiny voice inside mocked her.

  Her desire to apologize wasn’t about him. It was still her own selfishness and her own need. It was that last kernel of hope—that he’d still want her, that he’d ask her to stay—that last wish that wouldn’t shut up

  She’d force it to shut up. She’d crush it. She had to be stronger. If she was going to do what was best for him, she had to let him go completely. What was done, was done. He wouldn’t come for her.

  It was over.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “HEY LOGAN.” Hunter answered his phone, knowing his buddy would worry if he didn’t.

  “Where are you?” Logan never wasted time getting to the point.

  “New Zealand.”

  “Why the hell are you that far away? Doesn’t it take like two years in a plane to get there?”

  It felt like it. Hunter grimaced as he looked out the window of the hotel he was currently camped in, battling himself not to keep searching for more info on the elusive Luisa Williams.

  “You found her.” Logan said flatly. “You okay
?”

  “Maybe not.” He wasn’t sure if he could cope with her rejecting and running from him again.

  There was a silence. Yeah, Hunter had pretty much never admitted that to anyone before. Until Luisa.

  “You need me to come out there?” Logan asked. “I’ll make the arrange—”

  “And waste two years of your life in a plane?” Hunter joked lamely. “I couldn’t ask you to.”

  “You can ask me anything. I’ll be on the next flight—”

  “No, don’t.” He sighed. “I’ve lost her again. Why the fuck didn’t I just fully investigate her?” Why wasn’t he online already? Why had he gone the old school route—in person.

  “Because you wanted her to tell you everything herself.”

  “Dumb ass idea.” People kept secrets because they were scared. He’d wanted him to trust her. But what was that worth anyway—like he could make a real difference?

  “Idealistic maybe. Sure. Not necessarily dumb.” Logan paused. “So you know her deal?”

  “Not enough.” Not everything.

  “She scared?”

  “Yeah. I guess.” Not of him physically. Maybe it was just that she didn’t want him. But he couldn’t believe that. She couldn’t fake the joy in her eyes when he was with her. That laughter had been real. It had been so good he didn’t know how she could walk away from it so easily. “How’s Min?” He changed the subject.

  “Outrageous as ever.” Logan answered with the smile in his voice that he had every time he thought of his woman. “Stay in touch Hunter. Don’t go offline. I don’t want to have to worry about you. It sucks.”

  “I’ll be in touch. I’ll be okay.”

  “I’ll be there if you need me, just say the word.”

  “You’re worrying. Shut it.” Hunter rang off and walked out of the hotel room.

  He had her parent’s address and it was a reasonable time to make a visit.

  The house was a lovely wooden villa in a nice area in the second biggest city of New Zealand. From the outside it looked like a normal suburban family home. Nothing like the series of shacks and rodent infested units of his childhood.

  He breathed out and knocked on the door. The woman who answered just had to be Luisa’s mom. She was tall and lean and had the same eyes—only hers were lined— both laughter and worry lines. And she had that look that he recognized instantly. The faint shadow of loss that no amount of laughter could ever completely erase. Luisa had that look too. So did he.

  “Hi there, I’m Hunter Shaw. I’m a friend of Luisa’s,” he cleared his throat, unsure how to explain.

  “Oh.” She blinked, looking surprised. “Hello Hunter. You’re her friend?” She looked apologetic. “She’s not here.”

  “Yes.” He cleared his throat. “We travelled together for a bit, but then she went on ahead of me.”

  The woman smiled. He kinda suspected that she guessed that he’d been intimate with her daughter, but he was saying nothing.

  “Would you like to come in and wait for her? She shouldn’t be too long.”

  He gritted his teeth to stop his jaw from falling open. Luisa was here—staying with her family? She was so much closer than he’d realized. “I can wait at a cafe—”

  “No please come in. She shouldn’t be too long.”

  “Really?” He double checked out of pure politeness. “I don’t want to convenience you.”

  So not true. He was desperate to get in there and learn what he could, as quick as he could.

  “It’s no trouble.” Luisa’s mom laughed, the sound an echo of her daughter’s infectious delight. “We love to meet Luisa’s friends. It doesn’t happen often given she’s overseas so much.”

  The depth of curiosity in her eyes matched his.

  So Hunter nodded and followed her into the house, marveling at her trust—given her daughter was so guarded. But he knew she had her reasons to risk inviting a total stranger into her home. She wanted information too.

  “Can I get you a cup of tea or a cool drink?” she asked as she led him along the hallway.

  “I’d love a cool drink, thank you.”

  “Apple juice okay? Wait here and I won’t be a moment.”

  “Thanks.”

  She’d walked him into the living area, the kitchen was open-plan and only a few feet away. While she fetched the drink, he looked around. But his attention was instantly and completely stolen by a large picture hanging pride of place on the wall. A photo had been printed onto a large canvas. Luisa and her brothers as children. Luisa looked about eight in the image. Only there wasn’t one Luisa in the photo—there were two.

  “I’d always thought Ellie was the adventurous one.” Luisa’s mother smiled as she walked over to where he stood directly in front of the picture and handed him a tall glass of juice. “But of course Luisa is too. There’s nothing to that twin dichotomy thing—you know, shy-twin, out-going twin. They were similar in so many ways. Both shy at times, both outgoing at others. We tried so hard not to compare them.”

  Identical twins. Ellie and Luisa who were similar. Were.

  His heart stopped. He was good at keeping his thoughts to himself, but right now?

  “Where did you travel with Luisa?” she asked.

  Yeah, he’d known her mom was as eager for information as he was.

  “Her photos don’t tell us much about where she actually is,” she added.

  He knew that too. “Fiji,” he said. “She’s spent the last six weeks in Fiji.”

  “Working in the bar and cafes? Always bars and cafes.” She smiled.

  “She’s very good at it,” he said loyally.

  “I know. She has that bubbly personality.”

  “And a fantastic sense of humor.” Sometimes dry, sometimes slapstick, sometimes ribald. She could laugh with anyone.

  “She worries about worrying us,” her mom said. “We get all those photos. Her journals. Her smiles. But we don’t get her.”

  Yeah, she played them a highlights reel on her Instagram feed.

  “She always looks happy.” Her mother looked at him with a very direct stare. “Do you think she actually is?”

  “Actually yes, I think so. Most of the time. She likes working with people. She’s really great at her job. She makes people feel good.”

  Her mother didn’t reply for a moment, her expression sad. But then she smiled—an echo of Luisa’s look again.

  His thoughts churned as he tried to assimilate the new information he’d gleaned. Too much information. She’d had a twin. She’d lost her boyfriend as well, right? She’d clearly lost much. Did she make others feel good, to make herself feel better?

  “I probably shouldn’t have come here.” He suddenly felt exposed and uncomfortable. Angry.

  “Why not?” she replied. “You care about her.”

  It was a plain statement of fact.

  He nodded, not wanting to hide it from her. “People who get to know her do.”

  “She moves so often, I wasn’t sure she got to know anyone all that well.” She looked at him. “I knew there had to be something that brought her home so unexpectedly.”

  Did she think he’d made her come home? If only he had that influence over her.

  “She’s supposed to see the specialist in the next month or so of course.” Her mother continued. “They’ve sent a few letters but she’s not told us where she’s been staying and she hadn’t mentioned it in her emails home.”

  He looked at the photo of Luisa and her siblings. Five of them in total. Three older brothers—no wonder she could handle banter in the bar. And a twin sister. And Luisa had been sick.

  He thought back to that passport photo that he’d seen in her room. Her hair had been shorn, he’d thought she was going through a pixie-look phase. But she hadn’t. Then he thought about what she’d said about her boyfriend. The one who’d had cancer.

  We had so much in common.

  And the questions she’d asked him. Have you ever told someone you love them
?

  How could he have been so stupid? She had an anti-bucket list because she’d been sick. She’d had cancer. Her hair was so short in that picture because it was only just growing back. And she had an upcoming appointment? To have some more tests—to get her all-clear? Was she scared she was going to get sick again? Was that why she pushed everyone away? Why she kept moving?

  He was furious with her. Her mum wasn’t over-protective. Well if she was, he didn’t blame her. This wasn’t about anyone else but Luisa and her stifled reaction to her own situation. She’d loved deeply once before. She’d lost him. And she refused to love like that again. She’d never love Hunter like that. He could never compete. And then there was Ellie.

  Have you ever watched someone die?

  Her twin. The kind of relationship that so few could understand. The closeness. The hurt she must have felt. But she’d run from the rest of her family. That protected youngest child, the only surviving daughter.

  And she hadn’t told him any of it. Not really. Her omission felt as bad as a lie. He’d opened up to her and she hadn’t reciprocated and it galled. It felt like a betrayal of that honesty he’d thought they’d shared. She’d been holding so much back.

  Once more he was destined for less than. Once more he’d lost—never getting as much as what he’d wanted. Always teased with the prospect. The possibility. And it was denied him.

  It hurt. So damn much.

  “She’s gone skating.” Her mother interrupted his silent rage.

  He’d been quiet too long—even for him. But before he could offer an apology she just smiled, her eyes too knowing. Too understanding.

  “Rollerskating, just down the road at the local school,” she explained. “All our kids went to school there. You could walk down and see if she’s still going or you might meet her on the way back.”

  “That sounds like a great idea.” He huffed out a breath and put his glass on the low coffee table. “I’ll walk down now.”

  She walked him back down the hallway. “Take care on the corner, that’s where it happened.”

  He looked at the older woman and saw the keen determination in her eyes. Luisa’s over-protective mom was ensuring he was up with the play. She had ‘don’t hurt my daughter’ vibes radiating a mile off, but at the same time she wanted him to understand it all because she was worried her daughter was lonely. And clearly she knew Luisa’s tendency not to offer all information, so she was doing it for her. Go mom.