I’m sure it was difficult for him to show any emotions, especially after the childhood he was brought up in. For someone who had been so broken to be able to love me so openly and genuinely was something truly unique. He treated me far better than any man had in the past.
The two of us also had an incredible sexual pull to one another. There had been many nights when I sat at home by myself and thoughts of our time together would creep into my mind.
I would remember lying there wrapped up in his strong arms, reminiscing about how safe and protected he always made me feel. When I was with him, I felt like there was nobody who could touch me.
Nobody would be able to hurt me. Never in a million years would I have thought that he’d be the person that would hurt me the most.
As summer ended, the season gave way to fall, my favorite time of the year. I loved watching the leaves on the trees turn into beautiful shades of autumn colors. I enjoyed the feeling of the brisk wind hitting me in the face while the sounds of the drying leaves crunching beneath my feet surrounded me. There was something calming about the season. I don’t know what it was exactly, but it seemed to relax my soul.
I’d had to stay late after work one night and got home quite a bit later than usual. The temperature had dropped, and we were getting ready for our first significant snow of the year. Even though the temperature outside was barely above freezing, Nick was still sitting there when I got there.
“Hey,” he said, smiling through teeth that looked like they were about to start chattering.
He had excitement in his eyes like he was happy to finally be seeing me for the day. I don’t know what it was, but I shot him a smile.
“Hi Nick,” I said in response.
Nick cocked his head and looked at me. He reminded me of an excited puppy who is trying to figure out what you’re doing. He had a look of surprise on his face, not quite believing that I had spoken to him after ignoring him for so long.
“You need some help?” he asked, referring to the large number of bags I’d been carrying.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I began fighting with myself in my head and questioning whether or not I was making a mistake in even speaking to him.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” I told him. “I’ve got a few bags left in the car if you want to grab them for me.”
19
Nick
I jumped up off the bench and ran to retrieve the rest of her bags. My heart was racing, and I felt as though I was in a bit of shock. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I needed to calm myself down, though.
Her letting me help her carry some things in didn’t mean anything. The last time I’d been inside her apartment, I’d also helped her carry bags and the day ended very badly for both of us.
I tried to push that experience out of my mind. I needed to focus on what was happening right then and there. She’d finally spoken to me. I was finally getting the opportunity that I’d waited too long for. I just had to be smart and make smart choices this time around.
Setting the bags on her kitchen table, I turned to look at her. She had her back to me, emptying the bags. It looked like she was getting ready for Halloween as she’d purchase decorations for her windows along with big bags of candy. I smiled watching her, remembering how much she loved every holiday, regardless of which one it was.
“So, here we are,” Alexa said after putting the last of the things away.
She leaned back against the kitchen counter, forcing a smile across her lips. It was nice to see a smile on her face again, although it didn’t look nearly as good as the smile she used to wear when we were happy together. I could tell she was nervous and uncomfortable. I hated the fact that she was so tense because of me.
“How in this hell did this happen, Alexa?” I blurted out, not bothering to think about what I was going to say before opening my mouth.
I was worried about what her response was going to be. Was she going to say all the things she’d said before? Was she going to remind me that everything happened because of me? Was she going to tell me that we split up because I was a manipulator and a lying asshole?
I braced myself to hear hurtful words, but they didn’t come. Instead, she opened her mouth the say something but decided against it. She looked up at me with deep sadness buried within her eyes.
“I honestly have no idea, Nick,” she finally said. “I honestly have no idea.”
Alexa stood up straight, no longer leaning on the counter. All of a sudden she looked strong and confident, a very different look than she’d had just seconds before.
“I really don’t know, but all of these things that you’ve been doing, showing up here every day, it all has to stop.”
Alexa was looking me directly in the eyes as I was trying to hide the hurt in them. Once again, I was being rejected, and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to handle it again. My stomach felt queasy as I listened to her continue.
“I know why you’re doing all of this, Nick. I really do. You’re doing this because you love me and you’re trying to prove it to me, right?”
I nodded my head.
“That’s the thing, Nick. I don’t doubt that you love me. I know you do. But none of this is healthy for you. You need to stop doing this for you. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to me. It’s just not good for anyone.”
20
Alexa
I was trying to make things as easy as I could on him. I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad. I hated the effect my words were having on him. I could see in his face that he was being beaten down. He looked like a lost puppy. I tried to choose my words more carefully.
“Listen, Nick. There’s been a lot of things that have happened between us, and I’m not trying to hurt you. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I just think you should forget about me and move on.”
I didn’t even realize that I’d been making my way towards him while I talked but before I knew it, I was standing directly in front of him, looking up into his sad eyes.
When he made eye contact with me, I was caught off guard as the sudden desire for him built up within me. Why in the hell did he have to be so damn attractive?
“That’s just not going to happen, Alexa,” he told me.
His words were not threatening nor did he mean for them to be. He wasn’t saying them to scare me or to attempt to force me into taking him back. They were simply facts. He wasn’t going to give up.
This was a talk that we’d both been needing to have for a long time. I knew it was going to be hard to have the discussion, but I had no clue it was going to be that hard.
The big, strong guy I’d come to know looked like he was going to break down in tears at any moment. I felt like I should say something but I had no idea what words would be helpful in that situation. Instead, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
With my eyes closed, I felt Nick touching my cheek. It was a soft, gentle touch. The kind of touch that always surprised me. You wouldn’t expect someone so big to be able to touch you so softly. I liked it. It was a touch that I missed on a daily basis.
Still, I should have recoiled and pulled away from that touch. It wasn’t fair to him for me to say one thing and then act in a different manner. I didn’t want to lead him on. I didn’t want to confuse him as to what was happening.
Hell, I didn’t want to confuse myself.
As much as I wanted to pull away from his touch, I couldn’t make myself do it. It was almost like he’d put a spell on me. Before I knew what hit me, he leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the lips.
This wasn’t one of the typical aggressive kisses that we’d shared a hundred times. This kiss was almost too gentle for a man like him to be able to give. Even though our lips barely grazed each other, I could feel the electricity shooting through my body.
He kissed me again, this time a little harder. I could feel my insides tossing and turning, and my pussy felt like it was on fire. Nick kissed me a third time, now slipping his ton
gue into my mouth while cradling my face in his hands.
I was running my hands up and down his chest, feeling his muscles flex as he moved. I kissed him back. I wanted him so bad. I wanted to rip his clothes off and have him take me right there on the kitchen table.
Right as I was about to grab the bottom of his shirt in an attempt to pull it off his body, he let go of my face and stepped away from me. He took a deep breath before a smile spread across his face. He appeared to be a different person. He wasn’t the same broken man I’d seen for so long.
“Thank you, Alexa,” he said.
“What are you thanking me for?” I asked, entirely unsure of what was happening.
He just smiled even bigger and thanked me again before stepping back towards me and placing his hands on my shoulder.
“You have no idea how badly I’ve needed this,” he said.
I didn’t know what to say to him, but I knew I’d done exactly what I was trying to avoid. I told him one thing and acted in an entirely different manner. Now I’d put all these thoughts and feelings in Nick’s head, and I didn’t want to do that.
“What’s the matter?” Nick said, realizing that I was conflicted.
“We really shouldn’t have done that. That was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have let that happen,” I told him as I buried my face in my hands.
I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I needed to put some space between the two of us. I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. Nick, of course, followed right behind me.
“Alexa, it’s okay. I realize that you may still need some more time. I’m fine with that. I can give you all the time you need,” he told me, a smile forming on his face once again. “I can see that you still love me, and that’s all I’ve wanted to know this entire time. If you’re not ready yet, that’s fine. I’ve waited this long, and I can wait longer.”
He leaned in and told me he loved me in my ear before giving me a light kiss on the cheek.
After that, he didn’t say another word. He just smiled at me one more time before turning and walking out of the apartment. I stood in place for what felt like forever.
What did I just do?
21
Nick
Even though Alexa had told me that she shouldn’t have let me kiss her, I was in a better mood than I’d been in for a long time. Although I had been there, it all felt like a dream, and I was having trouble processing the fact that things had gone down the way they did.
After months of being apart and her not even willing to speak to me, I was finally able to touch her once again. I was able to kiss her and feel her breath on me. I was pumped.
I was over the moon.
On top of that, she still loved me. She didn’t say those words, but she didn’t have to. I could feel it when I touched her. I could feel it when we kissed. She didn’t have to say she loved me. She never said she didn’t.
As much as I wanted to be with her, I knew that rushing things wouldn’t do me any good. I’d have to be patient and bide my time. I understood that she still needed space. I realized that she needed time to process everything in her head. All I knew was that in the end, she was going to be mine once more.
Alexa and I communicated here and there during the weeks that followed. It wasn’t like it used to be, but it was something. I would text her here and there asking about her day, and she’d reply with a couple of sentences. We weren’t where I wanted us to be, but at least it was something.
I knew that she needed time, and I was doing the best I could to make sure I was giving her all the space she needed. It required patience on my part, and I’ve never been known for my patience.
Being without her was driving me crazy. I needed her in my life, and I was really starting to grow frustrated. I wasn’t frustrated with her. None of this was her fault. I was frustrated with the situation in general.
After a while, she finally agreed to meet with me. We both decided that there was going to be no expectations when it came to seeing one another. We were just going to talk and see what happened from there. I was all right with that. At the very least, she was open to giving me a chance.
She got off work at 4:00 pm so we made plans to meet at 5:00. I showed up at her apartment right on time, but she wasn’t there. I waited for a while before calling her cell phone. She didn’t answer. I waited longer and called again with the same result. It was a little after 8:00 when she finally got home.
“Hello, gorgeous. Did you forget we were getting together this evening?” I asked, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek as she approached.
“Nick, this really isn’t a good night for me. I think you should just go home, and I’ll call you tomorrow.”
There was so much hurt and sadness in her eyes. She looked different than I’d ever seen her bore and wondered what was going on.
“Alexa? Are you okay?” I asked as I placed my hand on her shoulder and bent down to be more level with her.
“I’ve just had a horrible day, and I want it to be over with. Can we please do this another night?”
She looked up at me before unlocking her door. It was hard to get a good look at her in the dark, but once she flipped on her living room light, I could see that she’d been crying.
“Well hold on. Something obviously happened. Is it something I can help with?”
“No, there’s nothing you can help with. I promise you that we’ll do this another time. I just can’t do this tonight. Please just go home, and I’ll give you a call tomorrow.”
She was begging me to leave, and I thought about turning to go back to my truck, but that didn’t feel like the right thing to do.
We might not have been together officially, but I felt like it was still my job to be there for me when she needed me. I couldn’t leave her sitting there upset and alone.
“Alexa, you need to let me in. I can see something is bothering you. Let me help you. Just tell me what it is.”
She looked up at me, and I could see many layers of pain within her eyes. I’d never seen a person look so sad, and I wanted to know what was causing her such anguish. Eventually, she walked into her living room, sat down on her couch and put her face in her hands.
I closed the door behind me and took a seat next to her on the sofa. I knew she was having a hard time with something, and I didn’t want to push her. I would wait until she was ready to talk.
Instead, I placed my hand on her back and rubbed up and down, letting her know I was there for her. I had no idea what could have been on her mind or what I needed to do to help.
“It’s my granny,” she said after a couple of minutes. “She passed away this afternoon.”
When it came to family, Alexa didn’t have much of a relationship with any of hers. For the most part, she only had a distant relationship. She had no connection with other family members.
The one exception was her grandmother, who’d she been very close to since she was a little baby. She referred to her grandma as granny.
As her granny got older, most of the family members wrote her off as nothing but an old lady who was more of a nuisance than anything else.
Alexa never saw her that way.
I tried to understand the pain she was feeling, but it was hard for me to do. I didn’t have any family to feel connected to and, judging by the pain in her eyes, I was glad I didn’t.
At the same time, I knew how she felt about her grandma. She was a really cool person. Alexa had taken me to visit her on a couple of occasions, and we had a blast. She was funny, and the stories she had about Alexa when she was little were priceless.
I hugged Alexa tightly, trying to make her feel secure, and she squeezed me back even tighter. I knew that this was what she needed.
She’s a strong, independent woman, but sometimes you just need another person there to let you know that you’re not alone in the world. I kept my arms around as she bawled into my chest. I played with her hair and whispered that things were going to be okay. She was go
ing to be okay, and her grandmother was at peace.
I was saying whatever I could to try to help, but I was confident my words were having little, if any, effect.
“So what happened?” I asked once she had finally calmed down. “How did you find out?”
“I got a call from my mom while I was at work today. Apparently Granny has been in the hospital for a couple weeks, and nobody bothered to call and tell me. She probably thought I didn’t care enough to be there with her,” she told me, her voice filled with anger and hurt at the same time.
We spent the next few hours talking about her granny. Alexa shared her favorite stories about her and what she was going to miss the most about her.
Late into the night, she fell asleep in my arms. I didn’t want to leave her on the couch, so I carried her into bed. Her eyes were so puffy, and her mouth was hanging open so she could breathe.
I tucked her into bed and went into the kitchen, where I left a note on her table. I didn’t want her to think that I’d just left as soon as she fell asleep, but at the same time, I wanted to give her the privacy that I knew she needed while still letting her know that I was still there for her.
Alexa,
I just want you to know that I’m here for you. If you need anything at all, please call me.
Nick
22
Alexa
I had no idea how long I’d been asleep, but the sun was already shining through my window when I opened my eyes.
At first, I freaked out, worrying about what time it was and hoping I wouldn’t be late for work. Soon enough, reality smacked me back to earth when I realized that I didn’t have to go to work. My granny was gone, and my boss had given me the day off.
Twisted Steel (A Sinners Syndicate MC Novel) Page 18