“When the next evening arrived and he asked his servants’ advice, they were all of the opinion that he should swathe himself with sturdy cloths so as to avoid another mishap; he did this and then went to bed. But after once again he fell asleep and the cockroach returned to play a second trick on him, it found the passageway blocked. And so it went back unhappily to its companions and told them how the bridegroom had prepared shields of bandages, dikes of diapers, and trenches of rags. Upon hearing this the mouse said, ‘Come with me and you’ll see whether I’m a good enough sapper to clear you a way!’ When the mouse arrived in sight of the place in question, it started to gnaw the cloth and make a hole at the same level as that other one; the cockroach then went in and administered another one of its medicinal cures, so that a sea of liquid topaz flowed forth and the Arabian fumes infected the palace. This caused the befouled bride to awaken, and when, by the light of the lamp, she saw the citron-colored flood that had turned the Dutch bed linens into yellow-rippled Venetian moiré,22 she plugged her nose and flew into her damsels’ room. The wretched bridegroom called his valets, and complained at length of the disgrace of having begun to construct the grandeur of his house on such a slippery foundation.
“His servants comforted him and advised him to keep his wits about him the third night, telling him the tale of the gassy patient and the sharp-tongued doctor who, when his patient let loose a fart, put on erudite airs and said to him, ‘Sanitatibus!’ When another fart followed he added, ‘Ventositatibus!’ But when a third proceeded, he opened his mouth wide and said, ‘Asinitatibus!’ Consequently, if the first mosaic work that had decorated the nuptial bed could be blamed on excessive eating and the second on the bad state of his stomach, which had upset his whole body, the third would be imputed to a shitty nature and he would be driven away in stink and shame. ‘Have no doubt,’ said the bridegroom, ‘because tonight, even if I have to die for it, I intend to stay awake the whole time and not let sleep win me over. And furthermore, we’ll think of some remedy for plugging the main pipe, so that no one can say to me, “Three times he fell and the third time he lay still!”’23
“That agreed, when the next night arrived and the bridegroom moved to a different room and bed, he summoned his friends and asked them for advice on how to stop up his body so that it wouldn’t play a third trick on him; as for staying awake, all the poppies in the world couldn’t have put him to sleep. Among his servants there was a young man who dabbled in the bombardier’s art; and, since everyone is most interested in his own trade, he advised the bridegroom to have himself a wooden stopper made, like the ones used for firecrackers. It was prepared without delay, and after the German positioned it in the right manner, he went to bed—neither touching the bride, for fear that his exertions might ruin the creation, nor closing his eyes, so that he could be ready for any movement that his intestines might make.
“The cockroach, who saw that the bridegroom wasn’t falling asleep, said to its companions, ‘Alas! This time they’ve shown us up; our skills aren’t of any use, since the bridegroom isn’t sleeping and won’t give me a chance to carry on my business!’ ‘Just a minute,’ said the cricket, ‘I’ll take care of this for you now!’ and, starting to sing sweetly, it put the bridegroom to sleep. When the cockroach saw this it raced forth to apply its usual syringe, but upon finding the door closed and the road barricaded, it went back to its companions in desperation and confusion, and told them what had happened. The mouse, who had no other goal than to serve and to please Nardiello, went off to the larder that very instant, and after sniffing in jar after jar, came across a pot of mustard. It rubbed his tail in it and then ran to the bridegroom’s bed and lubricated the nostrils of the wretched German, who began to sneeze so hard that the stopper flew out with such fury that, since he had his back to the bride, it hit her in the chest so violently that it almost killed her.
“At the bride’s shrieks the king came running, and when he asked what the matter was, she told him that a firecracker had been shot at her chest. The king marveled at this absurdity, and at the fact that she could even speak with a firecracker in her chest. But then he lifted the covers and the sheets and found the explosion of bran and the stopper to the firecracker, which had given the bride a nice eggplant-colored bruise, although I’m not sure if the stink of the fire powder or the blow of the cannonball caused her more harm. Upon seeing this revolting scene and hearing that it was the bridegroom’s third attempt at liquidating the deed, the king threw him out of his kingdom, and when he considered that this whole misfortune had been caused by the cruelty shown toward poor Nardiello, he began to beat his fists on his chest. And while, repentant for what he had done, he was wailing, the cockroach appeared before him and said, ‘Do not despair, since Nardiello is alive, and for his fine qualities deserves to be the son-in-law of Your Highness, and if it pleases you that he come we will send for him immediately.’ ‘Oh, be welcome, you who bring me this news worthy of a reward, my dear animal! You have given me life, you have rescued me from a sea of woes, since I felt such pain in my heart for the way I did that poor young man wrong! And so have him come, for I want to embrace him like a son and give him my daughter for his wife.’
“When it heard this, the cricket went hopping away to the shack where Nardiello was and told him of everything that had happened. Then it brought him to the royal palace, where, once the king had met and embraced him, he was given Milla’s hand. The animals cast a spell on Nardiello so that he became a handsome young man, after which he sent for his father from the Vomero. And they all lived together, happy and content, proving after a thousand hardships and a thousand woes that more happens in one hour than in a hundred years.”
6
THE GARLIC PATCH*
Sixth Entertainment of the Third Day
Because she obeys her father by doing his pleasure and conducts herself shrewdly in what she has been ordered to do, Belluccia, daughter of Ambruoso of Barra, is most richly married to Narduccio, the firstborn of Biasillo Guallecchia, which results in her poor sisters being supplied with dowries and given as wives to his other sons.
The wretched bridegroom didn’t shit all over himself nearly as much as the listeners pissed in their pants laughing when they heard of the trick the mouse had played. And the laughter would have lasted until the next morning had the prince not done a little something to make them lend an ear to lady Antonella, who was all ready to chatter and began to reason in this manner: “Obedience is secure merchandise that brings earnings without risk and the sort of property that yields fruit in every season. The daughter of a poor peasant will prove it to you: by showing her obedience to her father not only did she open the road of good fortune to herself but also to her sisters, who, thanks to her, married into riches.
“There once was, in the village of Barra,1 a rustic man named Ambruoso, who had seven daughters, and all that he had to support them honorably in the world was a garlic patch. This respectable man had a great friendship with Biasillo Guallecchia,2 a man of Resina who was rolling in money and had seven sons. One day Narduccio, the firstborn and his father’s right eye, fell ill, and although the purse was always open no cure could be found for his illness.
“Ambruoso went to visit him, and was asked by Biasillo how many children he had. Ashamed to tell him how he had grafted so many little farts, he said, ‘I have four sons and three daughters.’ ‘If that’s the case,’ replied Biasillo, ‘send one of those sons of yours to keep my son company, and you’ll be doing me a big favor.’ Ambruoso, who found himself taken at his word, didn’t know how to answer except by nodding his head, and when he got back to Barra he was overcome with such melancholy that he thought he would die, for he didn’t know how to content his friend. He finally called his daughters to him one at a time, from the oldest to the youngest, and asked which of them would be willing to cut her hair, put on man’s dress, and pretend to be a boy so as to keep Biasillo’s son, who was sick, company.
/> “At these words the oldest daughter, Annuccia, answered, ‘Since when has my father died and I need to cut off all my hair?’ Nora, the second, answered, ‘I’m not even married yet and you want me to cut off all my hair, like a widow?’3 Sapatina,4 the third, said, ‘I’ve always heard it said that girls shouldn’t wear pants.’ Rosa, the fourth, answered, ‘Forget it! You’re not going to find me going around looking for something that apothecaries don’t have, just to amuse an invalid!’ Cianna, the fifth, said, ‘Tell that sick fellow to take a cure and try some bloodletting, because I wouldn’t give a hair off my head for a hundred life threads of a man!’ The sixth, Lella, said, ‘I was born a woman, I live a woman’s life, and I want to die a woman. I don’t want to lose the reputation of a good woman by disguising myself as a fake man.’ When the last little nest shitter, Belluccia, saw that at each of her sisters’ answers her father heaved a sigh, she answered, ‘If disguising myself as a man is not enough to serve you, I’ll become an animal, I’ll shrink down to nothing to make you happy!’ ‘Oh, bless you!’ said Ambruoso. ‘You’re giving me your life in exchange for the blood that I gave you! Now come on, let’s not waste time; we need to strike while the iron is hot.’5 He cut her locks, which were little golden ropes of the policemen of Love, and when he had found a few shreds of men’s clothes for her, he brought her to Resina. Ambruoso was received by Biasillo and his son, who was in bed, with the greatest caresses in the world, and when he returned home he left Belluccia to serve Narduccio, the invalid.
“At the sight of such astonishing beauty shining through the rags, Narduccio gazed at her, feasted his eyes on her, and examined every bit of her, and then said to himself, ‘If I don’t have warts in my eyes, this has got to be a woman: the softness of her face betrays it, her speech confirms it, her walk attests to it; my heart tells me so and Love reveals it to me. She is without a doubt a woman, and she must have come with this ruse of dressing like a man so she could set an ambush for this heart.’ And as he became completely immersed in this thought, his melancholy increased so greatly that his fever went up and the doctors thought that he was close to the end.
“For this reason his mother, who burned all over with love for him, began to say, ‘My son, blind lantern of these eyes of mine, crutch and tongs of my old age, what is it supposed to mean that instead of gaining in vigor you’re losing your health, and instead of advancing you’re retreating farther and farther back, like a pork rind on the coals?6 Is it possible that you want to keep your mommy in such a dejected state, without telling her the cause of your illness so that she can find a remedy? So speak, my jewel, blurt it out, unload your heart, blow off some steam, tell me exactly what you need and what you would like, and let Cola take care of things, for I won’t neglect to provide you with all the pleasures in the world!’ Encouraged by these pretty words, Narduccio let himself go and poured out the passion of his heart, telling her how he was certain that that son of Ambruoso’s was a woman, and that if she weren’t given to him for his wife he was fully resolved to cut off the course of his life.
“‘Slow down!’ said his mother. ‘If we want to put your mind to rest we’ll first need to perform a few tests to discover if this is a woman or a man, flat or hilly countryside. Let’s have him go down to the stable and mount one of the colts, the wildest one there; if she’s a woman you’ll see her spin the thin thread of fear, since women don’t have much courage, and then we’ll check which way those weights fall.’7 Her son liked the idea, and Belluccia was sent down to the stable, where they gave her a little demon of a colt. After saddling it she got on, and with the courage of a lion began to perform amazing promenades, astounding prances, marvelous caracoles, wondrous jumps, curvets that were out of this world, and gallops to make you jump out of your clothes. And so Narduccio’s mother said to him, ‘Get this frenzy out of your noodle, my son. Look, you can see that this boy is steadier on his horse than the oldest saddle shitter of Porta Reale!’8
“But Narduccio still wouldn’t change his course, and continued to say that any way you looked at it she was a woman, and not even Skanderbeg9 could have dispelled the idea from his noggin. To help him get rid of this craving his mother said to him, ‘Slow down, blackbird,10 now we’ll perform a second test and we’ll clear everything up.’ And she had a musket brought to them and called Belluccia over, telling her to load and shoot it. Taking the weapon in hand, Belluccia packed the barrel with gunpowder and Narduccio’s body with itchy powder,11 lit the fuse of her weapon and the fire of the invalid’s heart, and, emptying the musket, filled the chest of that wretched soul with amorous desires. His mother, who saw the grace, skill, and elegance with which the boy shot, said to Narduccio, ‘Get rid of that headache; you must realize that a woman could never do that!’ But Narduccio still argued and was not able to resign himself, and would have bet his life that this lovely rose had no stalk. He said to his mother, ‘Believe me, my mother, if this beautiful tree of Love’s graces produces a fig for this invalid, this invalid will make the doctor the fig.12 And so let’s try in every way possible to know for sure, since if we don’t it will be my ruin, and if I don’t find the way to a hole I’ll end up in a ditch!’
“His poor mother, who saw that he was more stubborn than ever and that he was digging in his heels and rattling on, said to him, ‘You want to clear up your doubts? Take him swimming with you and then we’ll see if he’s a Happy Arch13 or the Baia Cauldron,14 Wide Square or Forked Way,15 Circus Maximus16 or Trajan’s Column.’17 ‘Very good!’ answered Narduccio. ‘There’s no doubt about it, you’ve cooked it to perfection. Today we’ll see if he’s a spit or a frying pan, a rolling pin or a sieve, a distaff or a bobbin bowl.’18 But Belluccia got a whiff of the scheme and immediately sent for one of the father’s errand boys, who was quite sly and cunning, and instructed him that when he saw that she was about to get undressed on the beach, he should bring her the news that her father was close to kicking the bucket and wanted to see her before the top of his life stopped spinning. As soon as the boy saw Narduccio and Belluccia arrive at the seashore and start to get undressed, he did as agreed and, with mandate in hand, served her the choice cut. Upon hearing the news, she took her leave of Narduccio and set off for Barra.
“The invalid returned to his mother with his head bowed, his eyes popping out of his head, his face a sickly yellow, and his lips pale, and told her that the deal had gone in the wrong direction and that due to the misfortune that had occurred he hadn’t been able to perform the final test. ‘Don’t despair,’ answered his mother. ‘If you want to catch the hare you’ll have to send a cart for it.19 You’ll turn up suddenly at Ambruoso’s house, and when he calls his son you’ll be able to tell if there’s a trap and uncover the scheme by seeing whether he comes down right away or takes his time.’
“At these words Narduccio’s cheeks, which had grown white, became rosy again, and the next morning—when the Sun took hold of its rays and kicked out the stars—he went straight off to Ambruoso’s house, where he called him out and said that he wanted to speak to his son about something important. Feeling short and tall in the same instant, Ambruoso told him to wait a bit, and he would have his son come down without delay. Belluccia, so as not to be found with material evidence of the crime, took off her skirt and bodice, put on man’s dress, and then raced downstairs. Her hurry was so great, though, that she forgot the little rings in her ears. When Narduccio saw this he received the signal of the calm that he desired from Belluccia’s ears, just as you can predict bad weather from an ass’s ears, and grabbing her like a Corsican hound he said, ‘I want you to be my wife, in spite of envy, in defiance of Fortune, even against Death’s will!’ Ambruoso, who saw Narduccio’s good intentions, said, ‘As long as your father is happy with this, one hand of his and a hundred of mine.’
“And so together they all went to Biasillo’s house, where Narduccio’s mother and father, seeing their son healthy and happy, welcomed their daughter-in-law with enormous
pleasure. And when they wanted to know why he had played this little game of sending her dressed as a man, and heard that it was so that it would not be discovered that he was a good-for-nothing who had produced seven girls, Biasillo said, ‘Since the heavens gave you so many girls, and me so many boys, on my word, let’s perform seven services in one trip! Go, then, and bring them to this house; I want to give them all dowries since, praise the heavens, I have enough sauce for the whole fish-fry.’ When Ambruoso heard this he put on wings and went to get his other daughters and then brought them to Biasillo’s house, where they played ‘seven up’ at the festivities, and the music and noise went straight up to seventh heaven. And now that all of them were happy it could be seen quite clearly that divine graces are never long in coming.”
. . . dove se fece na festa de sette a levare, che le museche e li suoni iero fi’ a le sette celeste. [. . . where they played “seven up” at the festivities, and the music and noise went straight up to seventh heaven.]
7
CORVETTO*
Seventh Entertainment of the Third Day
Corvetto is envied by the king’s courtiers because of his virtuous qualities and is sent to face many dangers. When he pulls through with great honor he is given the princess for his wife, and his enemies’ ire is thus further fed.
The Tale of Tales Page 32