I blinked hard, not trusting my tired eyes. “Grams?”
She smiled and took a jagged breath. “Allie-gator.”
Tears flooded down my cheeks. “Oh my God. Grams!” I stood up and leaned over the bed, looking into her clear, unclouded eyes. Eyes that recognized me.
“You look so much like your mother,” she said between heavy breaths. “Such a beautiful child.”
I was too choked up to speak.
She squeezed my hand. “Don’t grow too old before you decide to live your life.” Her voice was soft but serious.
I shook my head, not understanding. “What?”
She took another ragged breath. She then closed her eyes.
“Grams?” I squeaked, my throat tight. She stirred, and her grip on my hand relaxed. Seconds later, an alarm sounded. I glanced at the heart monitor and was horrified to see the flat line spreading across the screen. The doctor and a nurse rushed in.
The nurse looked at me. “I’m afraid it’s time.”
Dr. Huntford pressed his stethoscope to Grams’s chest and looked at the clock. He nodded to the nurse, and she silenced the alarm. “Time of death: three twenty-three.” He looked at me. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
I still had a hold of Grams’s hand. Tears dripped from my chin, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. I barely noticed when the nurse and doctor left the room. “I love you, Grams. Tell Mom and Gramps ‘hi’ for me,” I whispered.
I kissed the hand that I still held and gently laid it back down on the bed.
It was almost five when I got back home. My feet were like lead weights, dragging my body through the building. I got into the elevator and hung my head as the steel doors pulled closed. Halfway up, I pushed the stop button. Collapsing on the elevator floor, I gave into the grief and sobbed.
***
Most of the final arrangements had already been made. Grams indicated in her will that she wanted to be cremated and have her ashes buried next to Gramps. I still needed to call the morgue and make plans to have that done, but there really wasn’t need for a big funeral. So few people would be there.
Everything happened really quickly after that. Grams’s body was reduced to ashes, and we were scheduled to bury them on Saturday morning. I went to work on Friday in a daze, wrestling with memories of Grams and torn by the whirlwind of emotions that seemed to be eating me alive.
I didn’t feel like eating lunch. I just sat at my desk, staring off into space, and didn’t notice that Jake had come in until he rested his hand over mine.
“Allie,” he said softly.
I snapped out of my daze. “Jake, wow, I didn’t even hear you come in.” I gave him a weak smile.
“I heard about your Grandma. I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
I shook my head. “No, but thanks. I’ve got everything handled.” I really wasn’t fit for conversation and slipped back into a daze when Chris walked in.
He looked at Jake. “Hey, what’s up?”
Jake nodded in his direction. “Hey, man.”
Chris pulled a chair up next to mine. “Are you alright?”
I thought back to our conversation in the coffee shop several weeks ago. Chris was probably the only person on the planet who truly understood how deeply Grams’s death impacted me. “Yeah, I’m okay.” I wasn’t sure how convincing I sounded. “It’s not like I didn’t know this was coming, you know?”
He frowned. “That doesn’t make it any easier though, does it?”
I stared at nothing in front of me. “No, not really.”
“Allie,” Jake said from my other side, “aren’t you hungry? Do you want to go grab something to eat?”
I felt both pairs of eyes on me. “No. I’m just going sit here awhile.”
“You look awful,” he continued to plead. “Why don’t you come with me, and we’ll go to the snack bar.”
I hated when people fussed over me, and in this exhausted state my patience was nearly expired. “Jake, I’m not hungry. I’ll eat something later, okay?”
“But,” he began to protest when Chris cut him off.
“Hey, man, she said she’s not hungry, okay?” Chris gave him a sharp look.
Jake threw his hands up. “Sorry, geez, I’m just trying to help.”
“She doesn’t need your kind of help,” Chris snapped back. His voice was harsh.
Jake looked at me. “You know where to find me if you need me, right babe?”
I nodded and waited until Jake was out of the room before turning to Chris. “Listen, about the other day, at lunch, you need to know that-.”
He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. “You have other things to worry about, and you certainly don’t owe me anything.”
“But-”
He stood, not letting me finish. “I have to get to rehearsal. Do you need anything before I go?”
“No. I’ve got everything taken care of.”
“I’m sure you do. But if you think of anything, promise you’ll call, okay?” He squeezed my hand.
The next afternoon passed in a blur, and before I knew it Emily and I were standing over Grams’s grave. It was a peaceful morning, not as cold as it had been earlier in the week. The sun was shining, a pair of robins pecked at the ground, and a slight breeze rustled through the trees. A few people stood around the grave. Some faces I recognized from the studio, and others from Emily’s restaurant. They had all come by to pay their respects. Jake was among the faces, and he came to stand behind Emily and me when the pastor said he was ready to begin.
We were just starting the small service when I heard a motorcycle pull into the cemetery. Chris rushed over and stood next to me, pulling my hand into his own.
When all was said and done, I thanked the people for coming and told them that Emily and I appreciated their support and prayers. I then broke away from the small crowd and wandered to Mom’s grave. It was littered with twigs and leaves.
Chris stood behind me as I stared down at her plot. “You didn’t have to come,” I said sadly, “but thank you.”
He took a step forward. “I wanted to be here for you. I’m sorry I was late. I wasn’t sure how to get here.”
I placed a single white rose next to Mom’s headstone. Chris wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know. Go home, I guess.”
“Mind if I join you?”
“I don’t know how good of company I’ll be.”
He rested his chin on my shoulder and dropped his hands to my waist. “I don’t mind.”
Emily and I got a ride home from the funeral director. Jake and Chris met us at the apartment. Emily unlocked the door, and we all followed her inside.
“Al, are you hungry?” Emily asked.
“No,” I heard myself say. I watched as she dug through the various baskets and dishes of food people had sent home with us. I’d have to remember to keep track of who sent what so we could thank them later. Chris helped Emily uncover the food. Jake sat by me on the couch but didn’t attempt to make conversation.
“Are you sure you don’t want anything?” Emily tried to hand me a piece of a sandwich, but I shook my head. I had no appetite.
The guys ate and helped Emily clean up and put things away. I didn’t move from my spot on the couch. It was like I was inside a TV, looking out at everyone as they went through the motions. Occasionally, someone would throw a concerned glance my way, but they mostly left me alone.
Chris sat next to me after Jake left. We sat for some time in complete silence while Emily busied herself in the kitchen.
“She woke up. She recognized me.” I said to Chris.
He looked at me. “Really?”
“Aside from the other night, I can’t even remember the last time she recognized me.”
He reached over and took my hand. “I don’t know what to say to that.”
I intertwined my fingers through his and shook my head. “Is it wrong that a part of me is relie
ved? Because I feel so guilty right now, for feeling that way.”
Chris folded me in his arms and pulled me closer. I took comfort in his presence, in his willingness to sit there and let me cry. He didn’t say a word, but would, from time to time, run his fingers through my hair or rest his cheek against the top of my head. We seemed to share an intimacy, a connection on some level that I’d never shared with Paul. The realization of it hit me hard, like a giant tidal wave, drowning me with a new sense of awareness.
Chapter 17
I woke up around eleven the next morning, my stomach twisting with hunger. Emily had already left for work, and I found a note in the kitchen saying she took Molly with her. Looking for something easy, I pulled opened the fridge. Containers of leftovers from the day before had been strategically stacked, and I knew that, with my luck, removing even the top dish would cause them all to tumble down. I decided it wasn’t worth the risk.
The doorbell rang. Chris was standing in the hallway holding a beautiful bouquet of pink stargazer lilies.
“Chris! Oh my goodness, these are beautiful!” I buried my nose in the enormous blooms and breathed in their sweet scent. I then gave him a reprimanding look. “You didn’t have to bring me flowers. These must have cost you a fortune.”
“You smiled. They were worth every penny.”
Feelings from the night before overwhelmed me, and, without thinking, I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my cheek against his hard chest. As always, he smelled delectable.
“Thank you, they’re wonderful. You’re wonderful.” I closed my eyes and lost myself, feeling so safe in his arms, like nothing else in the world mattered.
He squeezed me and then pushed me out to an arm’s length. I was still in my robe and had matted hair. “Did I wake you up?”
I yawned and then grinned. “No, I actually woke up a few minutes ago. I slept all morning.”
“Good.” He looked pleased. “Feeling better?”
“A little. I’m glad it’s over.” My stomach let out a ravenous roar. I grabbed my midsection. “I’m so hungry.”
We went to the kitchen, and he laughed when I pulled a bizarre looking fruit from one of the baskets on the counter. It was a stumpy, yellow thing. “What is this?”
“I think it’s a pawpaw,” he said.
“A what?”
“It’s like a banana. I had one once in Florida. They’re pretty good, you should try it.”
I eyed the fruit for a second longer and put it back in the basket. I wasn’t feeling adventurous. “Maybe later.”
“Why don’t you go get dressed? I’ll take you out.”
My stomach rumbled again. “Yeah?” My mouth was already watering.
“Absolutely,” he said.
“That would be great. I’m gonna take a quick shower though, okay? Make yourself at home. I’ll just be a minute.”
“Take your time. I’m in no hurry.”
My stomach growled in objection, and we both laughed. “I am. I haven’t eaten in days. Be right back.”
The shower and fresh change of clothes served well in lifting my spirits, and I smiled as I leaned against the wall and pulled on my shoes.
“Do you like Chinese?” he asked when I reappeared in the living room. “There’s a good place downtown, an all-you-can-eat buffet. How does that sound?”
My stomach growled again. “Perfect, let’s go.”
The food was delicious. I ate until I was full, and then went back for more. He gave me a hard time when I brought back a plate piled high with egg rolls, shrimp, and Crab Rangoon. “Where do you put it all?”
I stuffed an entire egg roll in my mouth and chewed. “I told you I was hungry.”
After I had finished, he handed me a fortune cookie. “You first.”
I cracked it open and read the message. “Your greatest blunder could be your own foolishness.” I just stared at it for a second, trying to derive some deeper meaning. I couldn’t. “Well, that’s nice,” I said dryly. “Your turn.”
He opened his cookie, silently read the message, and then looked at me.
“What does it say?”
He shook his head. “Nope.”
“Aw, come on! It can’t be any worse than mine.” I reached for it. “Let me see.”
He crumpled it up and dropped it by his napkin. “No.”
“That’s not fair!” I complained.
“Life’s not fair,” he teased.
When he went to the restroom I picked it up and unrolled it.
The one you love is within reach.
My stomach, although quite full, did back flips in my belly.
He appeared just as I tucked the strip into my pocket. “Ready to go?”
We went outside, loaded on his bike, and drove to my apartment. “Do you want to come in?” I asked as I twisted the key around in the lock.
He glanced at his watch. “Yeah, for a minute. I’ve got rehearsal in an hour.”
We went in and sat on the couch. He leaned back against the tanned leather, his hands folded behind his head. “Only six more weeks of the show. That’s crazy, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it is. Where has the time gone?” I shook my head and stared at the blank TV screen. “It doesn’t make sense. Some days feel like they’ll never end, yet the months pass by so quickly. It’s already April. Easter is coming up. How is that possible?”
He smiled, his eyes on my face. “Time is what you make of it,” he offered. “That’s what my mom always says, anyway.”
“True enough.” I thought about what Grams had said. Don’t grow too old before you decide to live your life. Was I living my life? “Can I ask you something?”
He lifted his eyebrows expectantly, waiting for my question.
“Remember when you came with Molly and me to the playground?”
“How could I forget?”
“You said that, as a kid, you hit a rough patch. What did you mean by that?”
He stiffened, his gaze shifting to the floor.
Just as I opened my mouth to say something else, he leaned over and brushed his lips against mine. Surprised, I started to pull away, but he entwined his fingers through my hair, pulled me closer, and kissed me harder. The kiss was so raw, so carnal. He tugged on my bottom lip with his teeth and ran his tongue across it.
“Chris,” I murmured, giving in. I leaned forward, pressing myself into him, but he pulled away so abruptly that I nearly did a face-plant against the couch.
“Sorry.” He looked awkwardly around the room as he stood and smoothed out his jacket. “I shouldn’t have done that.” He barely glanced at me before hurrying out the door.
My knees were so weak that I couldn’t even get up to see him out. I just watched, confused, as he closed the door behind him.
***
I dawdled around my classroom Monday afternoon, hoping to see Chris. I wanted to talk to him about that kiss and was disappointed when he didn’t stop by.
He and Cynthia wowed the judges with amazing performances that night. In the end, I cried when Sam was voted out.
The next morning I got an email announcing Chris’s birthday. A few of the other contestants were throwing him a surprise party that night at the hotel, and we were all invited. After work, I headed out to find a gift.
I had no idea what to get. After browsing for what seemed like an eternity, deciding against a t-shirt or video game, I was about to settle for an iTunes gift card when I spotted an Elvis poster hanging in the back of a musty vintage music store. It wasn’t an original, I was sure because of the price, but it was a magnificent picture of him in his early years.
It was perfect.
There wasn’t much time before the party, so I hurried home and wrapped the gift before going over to the studio hotel. A few people, including Jake, were gathered in the lobby. He gave me a puzzled look. “What are you doing here?”
I pretended to be insulted. “I got an invitation. Same as you, I suppose.”
“I’m gl
ad! Any excuse to see you is a good one.”
“How’s your brother? I was so sorry to see him go last night. Things will be so quiet with just Melody and me.”
“Aw, he’s bummed, but he’ll be alright. He’s tough. He caught the early flight into Cali this morning.”
“Poor kid. He did a great job. Tell him I miss him already, will you?”
He put his arm around my shoulders. “Of course I will. He really liked you, you know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I think you made an impression on him. He talked about you all the time.”
I laughed. There were many days when I doubted my ability as a teacher. It was nice to hear that I’d reached someone. “Are you heading back anytime soon?” I asked.
The corners of his mouth turned down, and his expression hardened. “No, why? Should I? You want me gone?”
“No, of course not!” I smacked him in the arm. “I just thought that since you and Sam came out here together, you would go home together, that’s all. I’m glad you’re staying.” That was the truth. I did not look forward to the end of the season when Jake would go back. Even though he had been acting weird lately, I considered him a close friend. The thought of him leaving brought a lump to my throat.
His face relaxed. “Naw, I signed a contract. Gotta stay through the end. But, I actually kinda like it here. I’m hoping they’ll extend my contract into next season.”
I smiled. “Me too.”
Just then, the elevator doors pulled open. Chris stood inside and, with an uncertain look, gazed out suspiciously.
“Surprise!” everyone yelled.
He just stood there and looked around. When the doors started to close, he stuck out a hand to stop them and then stepped into the lobby. “Wow!” He shook his head. “I had no idea!”
People crowded around him. Cynthia looped her arm through his and led him to the cake table.
“I’ll give you three guesses at who arranged all this,” Jake said, handing me a plate. A long table was filled with boxes of pizza. I grabbed a slice of hamburger and mushroom and sat down at an empty table.
I’d just taken a huge bite when someone touched my shoulder.
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