by Golland, KM
Alexis Elizabeth Summers, I am going to kill you.
Grabbing the bridge of my nose, I closed my eyes in the hope that when I looked again my idiot friends would have gone away.
‘What are they doing?’ Derek asked.
Opening my eyes at this point in time and explaining what Alexis and the girls were trying to achieve was the last thing I wanted to do. But standing in the middle of the lounge pretending I was invisible with Derek beside me was not an option either.
‘They are digging themselves a grave,’ I responded quietly.
‘What?’ he asked, raising his voice over their incessant howling.
‘I think they are starting their own rave,’ I said.
He gave them all an incredulous look. ‘Interesting. Do they always do this?’
‘Kind of.’
Derek laughed. ‘God help Bryce.’
More like god help Alexis. Preggers or not, whoreasaurus is going down.
After the girls finished serenading the room with their vocal performance, I launched a heated glare in their direction. Alexis winked then made her way toward Bryce.
‘So ... what do you do with yourself, Carly?’ Derek asked as he reached out and grabbed two macaroons from a passing waiter.
It’s called masturbation, Derek. And it’s much more fun with a Lelo and a Tumblr account.
Realising that he was not referring to my self-pleasure methods, instead inquiring as to what my job description was, I belatedly said, ‘Um ... I’m the receptionist at Yellow Bark Primary School.’
He handed me one of the macaroons and popped the other into his mouth. ‘Sweet,’ he mumbled. ‘So you like kids?’
Hell no. ‘Sure, who doesn’t like kids?’ I murmured with a laugh that lacked certitude before biting down on the circular treat he had gifted me.
‘True, kids are a lot of fun.’
Fun, my arse. They are highly annoying disease-spreading critters. And they never shut up.
Derek took a long drink as if to wash down the mouthful of macaroon, or quite possibly wash away the conversation we were having. He suddenly appeared a little nervous.
Wanting to change the subject, because kids are not a subject I like to discuss when away from work, I asked him about his family. ‘So, do you have any siblings?’
‘Yeah, a brother,’ he replied curtly. His clipped tone caught me off-guard and created an awkward atmosphere in the small space around us.
‘Older or younger?’ I hesitantly asked.
‘Older.’
If ‘fucking awkward’ was a body of water, we’d both be swimming in it now. So I gave him an unsure smile then looked down at my feet. It was obvious I’d hit a raw nerve.
Now finding our situation highly uncomfortable, I opted to take my leave and get some space, not to mention attempt Alexis’ demise. ‘Will you excuse me for a moment? I need to have a word with Lexi.’
‘Of course,’ he replied, seemingly apologetic.
I was not quite sure — being a little puzzled myself — but I sensed he had become disappointed. So I offered him a small apologetic smile of my own and made my way toward Alexis.
As the distance between Lexi and I reduced, I screwed my face up in aggravation and pointed my finger at her. ‘You are hilarious,’ I bit out, sarcastically.
She covered her mouth for the smallest of seconds to subdue a laugh. ‘I know.’
‘No. That wasn’t funny. I was so fucking embarrassed.’
‘Relax. He had no idea.’
‘Who had no idea?’ Bryce asked.
‘Derek,’ we both answered.
Bryce looked over at his mate, confusion evident on his face. ‘What does he have no idea about?’
Alexis jumped in before I even had a chance. ‘He has no idea Carly has a burnt burger.’ She burst into laughter.
I closed my eyes momentarily. ‘You’re a bitch, Alexis Summers.’
‘No, I’m not, Carly Henkley. Your burger is burnt and you need it put out, I was simply trying to begin that process.’
‘I can put out my own burger, thanks,’ I responded through gritted teeth, practically hissing like a snake.
Bryce took a step back, hands up in surrender. ‘I’m not fucking sure if you are talking about a barbeque or something entirely different. Either way, I don’t want to know about Carly’s burger, so please excuse me.’ He headed toward the other men in the room.
‘There is nothing wrong with my burger, Bryce,’ I called out after him. ‘Just so you know, it’s a good burger.’
Let’s just get that shit straight, right now! My burger is a masterpiece.
‘Carly!’ Alexis chided playfully, hitting me on the arm. ‘Don’t offer your burger to my man.’
‘Why? Is he a vegetarian?’
‘No! God, no!’ she laughed, ‘The man is a carnivore through and through.’
I watched as she bit her lip and blushed. ‘I hate you, you know,’ I said with an envious smile.
She flicked her eyebrows up once. ‘You should. Every woman should. I’ve scored big-time.’
‘Good. I’m glad you know it, hon.’
‘Oh, trust me, Carls. I know it all right.’
***
I chose not to stick around much longer despite the fact I’d planned to have a big night. Quite frankly, I was exhausted after the week I’d had at work. Plus the mood between Derek and I seemed to have lost its spark around the same time I asked him about his family. He still requested my phone number, which I gave him, but I was pretty sure he was only doing it to be polite.
I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t care, or that I wasn’t bitterly disappointed. In fact, I was kind of devastated that things had gone sour so quickly. Initially, I’d felt that the two of us connected in a way that I had never experienced before. He seemed fun and free spirited, like I was, and I thought that the two of us could have had a bit of fun together with no strings attached. I got the impression he was a fan, like me, of no strings relationships — he just seemed the type.
Yawning, I rather sullenly made my way back to my suite, depressed thoughts of what could have been filtering through my head.
Oh, well ... knock me down and I’ll get the fuck back up again. I always do.
CHAPTER SIX
The next morning, I decided to lap up the luxury of my hotel suite. Why not? It was not every day that a girl like me got to enjoy spoils as a result of her best friend snagging a billionaire. It was also my way of cheering myself up after Derek’s obvious fob off.
As I sat in the bathtub, which was big enough to accommodate the entire Brady Bunch, I couldn’t help but think of the caramel firefighter. Maybe he was intimidated by a woman who knew what she wanted and was not afraid to ask. Or maybe he preferred the quiet type who sat, obeyed and worshipped. If that was the case, then I wished him good luck. I was not the worshipping, shut-up-and-look-pretty type. And I definitely did not obey.
Dwelling on females who had those particular attributes, I was reminded of my baby girl, Sasha. My playful, loving, golden retriever who I really needed to go home to and take for a walk.
Sighing in a lacklustre fashion, I dragged my wrinkly prune-like body out of the bath and prepared to head home.
***
As I walked through the door of my house, I heard the unmistakable sound of Sasha’s feet skidding along the polished floorboards, the scratchy skitter of her toenails tapping on the hard surface beneath her. Her muscular body was not yet in my line of vision, but from past experience, I knew she was hurtling my way as fast as her legs would carry her.
Having no choice, I dropped my bag and braced for the impending impact.
When she turned the corner, her back-end apparently didn’t get the memo to change direction as it failed to follow her body’s lead and, because of this, she lost balance — like she always did — and skidded on her arse for a few feet. The sight of her ungraceful approach had me laughing but she recovered quickly and picked up her pace.
&
nbsp; This was the part I always watched in what seemed like slow motion with the tune from Chariots of Fire playing in my head. Her golden floppy ears flapped simultaneously with the skin of her face, showing me what looked like a doggy smile every alternate second. And her long shaggy fur flailed with the breeze she was creating as she prepared to launch herself into my arms.
Sasha was only eight months old, but despite that, she still weighed a tonne.
‘Sasha! Slow down ... argh!’
I squatted just enough so that when she jumped, I could roll backward with her atop me. This was a practised art.
Straightaway I felt her warm textured tongue lap at my face and smelled her disgusting doggy breath. ‘You’ve just eaten a Schmackos, haven’t you?’ I asked in a voice that resembled Scooby Doo.
Sasha barked in response.
‘Did you miss me?’
She barked again, and this time went to town on my face, licking with frenzied desperation.
‘Sasha, stop it,’ I laughed. ‘Get off, you big woolly mammoth.’ I rolled her off and proceeded to stand, brushing away the fur she so easily transferred.
‘Where’s Elmo?’ I asked enthusiastically, distracting her from trying another kissathon by asking her to retrieve her favourite toy.
Continuing to brush the bits of fur off my pants, I moved into the house while singing out to Libby, ‘Honey, I’m home.’
‘Excellent! The toilet needs scrubbing. And guess what? It’s your turn,’ Libby responded from the direction of the kitchen, her voice awash with pure sarcasm.
‘Lib. Elizabeth. Libido. Labia,’ I announced, entering the room and catching her eye-roll. ‘You know I don’t do toilets.’
‘I know you don’t do toilets, but you’re going to because I’m not doing it anymore.’
I placed my handbag down on the kitchen counter and took a seat on one of our white shabby-chic styled bar stools. Our house was cute; a typical girl’s space, I guess. It was always neat and tidy — thanks to Lib — and had a feminine touch everywhere you looked. From the vase of flowers on the dining table, to the pile of magazines on the edge of the benchtop and the framed pictures of French monuments hanging on the walls. Lib’s and my home was our little sanctuary, and although I loved it, I hated cleaning it.
‘I’m fairly certain we’ve had this conversation before. In fact, I’m positive. You said you’d clean the loo if I cleaned the floors.’
The ding of the microwave sounded. Libby stepped in front of it and opened the door. ‘Yes, but have you cleaned the floors?’ she asked as she removed what looked like leftover pasta. It smelled bloody divine.
‘I have.’
‘When, last year?’ she retorted.
Just as Lib put the Tupperware container on the bench and stirred the contents with a fork, Sasha nudged my leg. The soft sensation on my skin drew my attention. I looked down and found her toy, Elmo, dangling from her mouth.
‘Good girl,’ I cooed quietly and patted her head. Then, giving my attention back to Lib, I continued to lie. ‘No. I cleaned them last week.’
‘I call bullshit,’ Libby coughed, trying to camouflage her sarcasm.
My ginger-topped petite friend turned around and opened the fridge door, and even though Lib fell into the fanta-pants category, I could vouch for her being one of the cute ones. In my mind, redheads like Annie, Ginger Meggs and Jessica Rabbit — I don’t care how big Jessica’s boobs are, she is not hot — aren’t in any way cute.
Lib was a walking contradiction; petite with a bold attitude, pretty with an ugly bite when needed. She was an intelligent and beautiful pocket-rocket who packed a punch. I adored her.
While Lib’s back was turned, I took the opportunity to dig into her pasta dish.
‘Nothing to say?’ she questioned as she bent over and sought her item.
I always had something to say, but speaking at this point in time would reveal that my mouth was full of food and, seeing as hers was the only food in my vicinity, I chose to keep quiet and continue to devilishly consume her lunch.
She scoffed at me. ‘Well that’s a first. Carly at a loss for words. Where’s the bloody parmesan cheese?’
‘I don’t know,’ I mumbled and quickly shovelled in another mouthful.
Lib turned around, displaying a puzzled expression, but soon became aware that I was stealing her pasta. ‘Hey! Nick off. Get your own.’
She snatched it away from me just as my mobile sounded from within my handbag. I reached across the bench and pulled it out to find a text message from an unknown number. Curious, I tapped to open it up:
Carly, it’s Derek. I just wanted to apologise for last night.
I’m sure I came across as a prick when you asked about my family.
It’s a long story, but I’d really like to meet up and explain ~ Derek
The message had me a little bemused. Why would he want to explain? His family and his privacy were his to keep just that ... private. He didn’t owe me any explanation.
Opting not to respond straightaway — because I’ve watched He’s Just Not That Into You — I headed to my room to change and get ready to take Sasha for a walk.
***
Sasha loved the park. She also loved to chase things: birds, kids and balls to name a few. Picking up a stick, I threw it for her to retrieve and watched as she bounded off excitedly. The cold air was brisk and stinging my nose. I was thankful I’d chosen to rug up in my thermals, even though they were hideous.
‘Good girl, Sashy,’ I praised as she returned and dropped the stick at my feet. I picked it up and threw it again, being the first to admit that I’m not Sporty Spice. My aim and throwing ability are laughable, but Sasha never seemed to mind. In fact, she happily brought back whatever I threw so that I could do it again for her. Either she thought I was king-shit of stick throwing, or she wanted me to practise as much as possible because she believed that I sucked. Oh well, I guess we’ll never know. Thank goodness dogs could not talk.
While Sasha stopped to take a dump, I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Derek’s text had still gone unanswered and that was because I did not know how to respond. For some reason, he seemed to be unlike the many other guys I’d hooked up with in the past, and I didn’t know why. Sure, he looked like the yummiest thing I could ever put in my mouth. And yes, his voice had the ability to render me stupid, but that didn’t explain why I was hesitant to act either way.
Perhaps I was afraid that if I did respond and openly acknowledge that I liked him and would love to meet up, only for him to let me down, I’d be devastated more than I’d care to admit. But the alternative of fobbing him off, only for him to take it on the chin and not push to see me again would be equally as devastating. Damn! This is why I’m happily single and unattached. Fuck, fun and fuck off. Those are the three actions I live by. And I live by them for this reason.
I hit reply and sent a text back.
Hi, No need to explain. I had no right to pry ~ Carly
After pressing Send, my stomach dropped. Carly, that response was pathetic.
I mentally berated myself then looked up from my phone to see Sasha leave a nice pile of dog shit on the ground. Urgh! I hated picking it up with a baggie. Shovels I could handle, but only just; baggies, not so much.
Glancing around, I spotted some kids tossing a ball to each other. Perfect!
‘Hey!’ I called out and motioned them to come closer. Both boys jogged to where I was standing. They looked to be maybe twelve or thirteen years old.
‘Want to earn ten dollars?’ I asked, plastering as much enthusiasm over my face as humanly possible.
‘Sure,’ one of them replied.
‘I’m not getting in your car,’ the other stated. Clearly, he was smart and, clearly, his mum had taught him well.
‘No, no. There’ll be no getting in my car,’ I reassured him. ‘I need a little help. You see, I’m allergic to dog poo —’ no, not really ‘— and my golden retriever Sasha just dropped one over there,’ I sai
d, while screwing up my nose and pointing. ‘If one of you picks it up with this bag, I’ll give you ten dollars.’
Both boys wrinkled their nose. Shit! They ain’t gonna take the bait. And they are far too young to flash my boobs to.
‘Twenty,’ offered smart boy.
‘Twenty?’ I screeched in response.
He tossed his ball in the air and caught it in a show of teenage cockiness. ‘Yep. Take it or leave it.’
I’m bloody inclined to do just that ... leave the steaming pile of shit on the ground. But I know better. I was taught to clean up after myself, or convince someone else to do it for me.
Huffing in surrender, I narrowed my eyes at the clever kid and handed him the baggie. ‘Fine, twenty. And you’d better spend it wisely.’
As the two extortionists headed off, my phone beeped again. I pulled it out to find another text from Derek.
Okay, but I’d really like to catch up sometime.
I’m heading interstate for work. I will be gone for a couple of weeks.
Maybe when I get back? ~ Derek
Reading what he’d written, a small smile started to creep in at the corners of my mouth. But I stopped it before it spread any further. Carly, is he really someone you want to fuck around? Normally I would not hesitate with an answer, but there was just something different about Derek.
My phone beeped again.
Maybe I’m going about this wrong.
What about this? Baby, I’m a firefighter. I find ’em hot and leave ’em wet.
I hope you like being damp ~ Derek
OMG! I covered my face with my free hand and laughed before responding.
Do firefighters study Pick-up Lines 101? ~ Carly
Again, his response came through rather quickly.
Sure, I’ll go with that.
So, can I take you out and make you damp when I’m back in Melbourne? ~ Derek
My heart rate increased as I contemplated my answer. Yes or no? Yes or no? It really shouldn’t be this hard a decision.
I bit my fingernail then typed my answer.
Yes ~ Carly
Good. Make sure you have a towel ~ Derek