My heart broke some more, and I let out a sob, holding Lane tightly, wishing I could bring him with me. We stood there for a minute, both of us crying, before I gently pushed Lane away from me.
I put a hand on his cheek, rubbing my thumb back and forth. “I love you, Lane. So much. But I have to. I have to do this.”
“No. No. Stay with me. Here. Stay with me. Please, Abby.” Lane’s face crumpled.
“I’d be living a lie, Lane. I can’t do that.” I took a few steps back, trying to fortify my heart.
“You would be here with me. Isn’t that enough?”
And the worst part was, it was enough. Almost. God, it was almost enough for me. Why couldn’t it just be enough? The rain and my tears were mixing even more, making it difficult for me to see as I cried even harder.
“Lane, God, I wish it was! But I can’t forget about it, because I’ll always be living with the fear of another hallucination! Another freak out! Another scary, realistic dream! I can’t live like that. I wish I could just stay here with you and be happy and forget that any of this had ever happened!”
He stepped toward me and grabbed my hand, holding it tightly in both of his. “Then do it, Abby! Stay with me. Stay for me! Can’t you do that? Aren’t I enough for you?”
A sharp pain jabbed at my chest. If I told the truth, I would hurt him. If I lied, I would hurt myself. This was an impossible decision. It was made even more impossible by the fact that I didn’t know what I was doing, not really. I could be completely wrong about the car theory and just be killing myself. But it was the small voice in me asking what if? that was keeping me going.
I slowly loosened my hand, pulling away from him. “You are, Lane. You are enough.” I took a deep breath and took a step back. “You are enough if I could be absolutely certain that this was all real.” I gestured at everything around us. “If I knew that, yes, I could stay and be happy.”
Lane seemed stunned silent by my confession. “If you could be certain? If you thought this was real, that I’m real?” He dropped his gaze, and I felt a pang of guilt that he couldn’t reach my eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Lane. I do love you. You don’t even know how much I love you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I feel completed in a way that I never have before. You’ve given me so much. I just…I just need to do this.”
Before I could think anymore, I turned away from him and started walking. Walking away from my heart, away from my other half, my soulmate. The crushing sensation I was feeling in my chest was like nothing I had felt before. Was this what a broken heart felt like? Was I just broken now?
I didn’t hear Lane pursuing me, which made me feel worse. Even though I wasn’t going to change my mind, I wanted him to come after me. I wanted him to try to stop me, to want me to stop what I was planning. Did he not care anymore? Had I broken him, too?
Taking a shaky breath, I continued another block until I reached my destination. The Den was across the street, and I could see a few groups of people waiting around outside, some people smoking and some on the phone with their friends. It was such a normal scene that it took my breath away. That used to be me. I used to come here with my friends, with Whitney, and not know that anything could be different.
I glanced around, trying to pinpoint where the red car was going to be coming from. The rain was still falling, obscuring my view. I could feel the anxiety setting in, my pulse racing. The doubts were creeping in, and I couldn’t help but feel like what I was doing was wrong.
I turned in a circle, starting to wonder what the hell I was doing here. Why am I doing this? I asked myself. Just because of some stupid note? I was an idiot. Of course, I should stay with Lane.
But what if?
Groaning, I covered my face with my hands and stomped my foot. I hated being so wishy-washy. I just needed to know what the truth was!
A tingling awareness started pricking at the back of my neck, like that feeling when you just know that someone is staring at you. It was coming. It was almost time. I headed to the corner to wait, but my arm was yanked back as someone grabbed it.
Turning to yell, I stopped when I saw Lane standing there holding my wrist with both hands. His eyes were rimmed red and his nose was slightly colored. More tears fell from my eyes as I saw how much I was hurting him. It was the last thing that I wanted to do.
“I have to go, Lane.”
“No, you don’t. Stay with me. Stay.”
I shook my head, my hood falling down and the rain completely soaking me, my hair sticking to my face. “I can’t. I have to do this.”
I tugged my wrist from his hands and took a few steps backward, toward the road. Looking past Lane, I could see a shine of red coming in our direction. I had maybe a minute more before I had to go.
I turned and walked away from Lane, my heart breaking some more at leaving him. I hated this. I hated that I was here, that I was questioning everything for something that I wasn’t even sure was real.
Lane followed me, hands running through his hair. I could tell that he was about to do something drastic, like pick me up and carry me off himself if I didn’t go with him willingly. The car was getting closer and it seemed like time was slowing down, letting me see everything in slow motion with clarity.
Taking a deep breath, I looked around at everything one more time, letting the memories of my life wash over me. They flowed through me and I felt lighter when I turned back to Lane. I stepped to him and wrapped him in my arms as tightly as I could. He hugged me back, crushing me, whispering words of love.
I leaned back and looked him in the eyes. “I love you, Lane. Never forget that.” I kissed him, hoping that he could feel all my unspoken words and wishes in that one kiss.
The despair in his eyes when I broke apart from him would haunt me forever, no matter what happened to me. I took a step away from him and he grabbed my hand again, pleading with me to stay.
Not being able to bear the pain anymore, I yanked my hand away from his and turned away, running toward the street.
“Abby, no! Don’t do this!”
I shut my ears against his pleas and kept moving. Turning to look, I saw the red car coming to meet me in the street, as if we were meeting for one final dance.
The car rushed around the corner, and just like that, time went back to its normal pace.
And I jumped.
Chapter Twelve
The pain.
That was the first thing that my body sensed.
Then everything happened at once.
People shouting.
Tires squealing.
Glass flying.
The agony was everywhere. It was like fire flowing over my skin, piercing through it in different spots. Fire stabbed into my thigh, lighting me up from the inside. It went into my shoulder, and I could feel it coursing through from the front to the back. The agonizing fire grazed my ribs, making me wish for oblivion.
The car hit me, forcing me up onto its windshield. I screamed, trying to shield my face with my hands, but I was moving too fast to be able to do anything. The glass cracked and then collapsed around me. The momentum of the hit rolled me back down to the street, but the car couldn’t stop in time from hitting me again as I connected to the pavement, the left side of my head bouncing on the street, ripping another scream from me.
And then blessed darkness.
I opened my eyes, but the world was too blurry to make anything out. Voices were shouting all around me and hands were touching me, setting the fire ablaze even more. I groaned, trying to move away from their hands but I was immobile. My arms and legs were strapped down, and I couldn’t move my head.
“Abby, Abby, can you hear me?” Frantic shouting sounded to my right. I rolled my eyes in that direction and could barely make out Lane through the blur.
“Sir, you need to move back,” an authoritative voice said.
“I’m not leaving her. Abby, I’m not leaving you! You’re going to be okay!” His voice was getting fainter a
s he was moved away from where I was lying.
Glass was being pulled out of me, the sharp pains of it sliding through my skin enough to make a black haze overcome me.
The next time I opened my eyes I was looking at the ceiling of a van, and I could hear beeping all around me and people talking.
“…lost about two liters of blood…”
“Glass everywhere…”
“Get that I.V. going!”
“What the hell was she thinking?”
“Hey, she’s awake. Ma’am, can you…”
I closed my eyes and welcomed the darkness.
Voices started to come back, but my vision stayed black. I couldn’t tell if I even had my eyes open or not. Why wouldn’t the pain stop? I thought this was my answer to everything. I ruined it all. I was so stupid.
“Quick, get the crash cart!”
“She’s lost too much…”
What? No, I couldn’t die now. Not when I could see that I was wrong about everything.
“No, Abigail, don’t you quit on me now!”
No, no, I didn’t want to quit. Don’t let me quit.
I managed to open my eyes halfway. Doctors were standing over me, frantic and covered in blood. My blood. One saw me and leaned down over me, speaking words of encouragement.
Or at least I thought she was. I couldn’t hear her anymore. I gave her a faint smile to show her that everything was fine. It didn’t hurt anymore. They had done a fantastic job of fixing me. I just wanted to go home now. Go home and go to sleep. Just a short nap. I was so tired.
Why was the doctor crying? Tears filled her eyes as she looked at me, but I smiled again, trying to show her that I was okay.
It was time to sleep now.
Chapter Thirteen
The darkness seemed to be getting lighter. I tried looking around, but it was all black. How did I get out of here? I swallowed, made difficult by my dry and swollen tongue. Groaning, I moved my tongue around, trying to get some saliva moving.
There was a constant beeping sound to my right. Heart monitor, my instinct told me. What? Where was I?
A door opened, and footsteps walked toward me, the sound of paper rustling with it. I could hear the person sigh and mutter, “Still no change, huh, Abigail?”
Then, “Wait, what’s this?” More paper moved around and the person gasped. “Abigail, can you hear me?”
My eyes were opened and a light shone in them, back and forth. I blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the spots in my vision.
Soon I was able to see a young woman standing in front of me, grinning. “This is incredible! I’ll be right back!”
I couldn’t move my head to nod, nor open my mouth to respond. The panic I felt at those restrictions caused me to breathe faster, and I shifted my eyes back and forth, trying to figure out where I was.
It was a small room and I seemed to be the only person in it. The walls were a light shade of green with generic landscape pictures hanging on the walls. Based on the heart monitor I could still hear, I figured there was medical equipment close by me that I couldn’t see, since I wasn’t able to move. There was a small, round table with two chairs in the corner across from me and a window to my left with white curtains that were pulled back to let the sunshine in. The door to the room was to my right and suddenly, the woman and two other people entered back in.
The two new people, who I assumed to be doctors, came over to me and started examining me, testing my eyes’ reflexes and checking the printouts from the machines I was hooked up to.
“Abigail, can you hear me?” asked one of the doctors.
I tried to open my mouth to answer, but it was so dry that nothing came out. Panic flared, and my eyes widened. The doctor saw my distress and shushed me, calming me down.
“Abigail, it’s okay. I know it must be hard for you to comprehend what’s going on right now and you’re probably in pain and thirsty. First, we need to do some tests on you to get a better idea of what’s going on.”
I nodded. Or at least I thought I did, but I’m not sure my head actually moved. I felt weighted down, like a heavy blanket was on top of me, suffocating me. Maybe that’s why I can’t move, I thought to myself.
Soon enough, the doctors came back and wheeled me out of the room. The afternoon flew by in a series of tests and machines. I noticed that the whole time, other nurses and doctors would poke their heads into the room and watch me, tears in their eyes and happy smiles on their faces.
I fell asleep at some point, sinking into oblivion, dreaming of nothing. When I next opened my eyes, the young woman I first saw was sitting in the chair at the round table, writing on a clipboard. I must have made a noise, because she looked up suddenly at me, her face breaking out into a smile.
“You’re awake! Great! You have some visitors if you’re up for it.”
I slowly nodded my head up and down, pleased to find out that I could move it now.
She left, and I let out a breath. Since I could move my head a little, I decided to test out the rest of my body. I concentrated on my hands first and moved them back and forth a little bit. My feet had the same results. I was able to move them left and right. My whole arms and legs were a different story. When I tried to bend them, even a little bit, I discovered that I couldn’t move them. That heavy blanket sensation I had felt before came back, keeping me from moving as much as I wanted to.
The effort exhausted me. I had just woken up and I was already on the verge of another nap. I had just closed my eyes and started to doze when I heard the door open again. Opening my eyes was such a strain that I decided to keep them closed instead.
“Oh my God, Ed.” I heard the woman come closer. “Abigail, sweetie, can you hear me? It’s mommy. Wake up, baby, please wake up for me.” She sounded close to tears.
I took a deep breath and struggled against the fatigue I was feeling and opened my eyes. The woman standing over me gasped, covering her mouth with her hands, tears spilling over.
“Mom,” I whispered, barely able to hear the word.
She choked out a laugh, quiet whimpers turning into loud cries as she took my hand and bent down to give it a kiss. I glanced over at the man, my eyes filling with tears. “Dad,” I said, trying to smile.
He came around to my other side and took hold of my hand, eyes misty. The nurse stood off in the corner, her hand covering her mouth as she tried to hold in her own tears at our reunion.
I shifted my eyes back and forth between them, trying to figure out what was going on. “What…” I murmured, not able to finish the sentence. What was going on? Where was I? I had so many questions about what had happened, and I couldn’t ask them.
“Sweetie, do you remember anything that happened?” My mom bent down and brushed the hair off my forehead.
I shook my head. There was nothing there. Then I got a flash of a memory. A car. Screaming. Pain.
“Car,” I said, wincing at my dry throat.
Dad saw my expression and asked the nurse for a glass of water for me. She nodded quickly and left the room. He turned back to me and gave me a small smile, squeezing my hand in encouragement.
“Abigail, you were in a car accident. You were hit by a car one night and suffered a lot of different injuries,” my mom said. “The worst one was your head. You hit it extremely hard when you fell, and you were brought in unconscious. It’s been…it’s been five years, Abigail. You’ve been unconscious and in a coma for five years.”
I could only stare at her. That was impossible. I was in an accident the night before. It was only last night I did that, wasn’t it?
“No,” I said, trying to shake my head. “No.”
Mom sniffed, wiping her eyes and cheeks. “Yes, sweetie, it was five years ago. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I’m so happy that you’re awake now. You were in the hospital while you were healing from your broken bones and other things, but we moved you to a long-term care facility that could monitor you a little more privately than a hospital could.�
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“Whitney?” I asked, hoping they would understand what I meant.
Mom and Dad looked at each other, confusion on their faces. Dad looked down at me and said, “I’m sorry, honey, we don’t know anyone named Whitney. No one with that name came by to see you.”
My heart sank, and my stomach rolled at that information. I could feel bile rising up the back of my throat and I started coughing on it, trying to keep it down. I moved my head to the side and started wheezing, unable to get enough air in my lungs.
Whitney wasn’t real. Lane. Tears came pouring out as I started bawling, feeling all the sadness and pain at the fact that they were gone. They were just gone. And I had never made up with Whitney. And Lane was just gone. They both were. How did I move on from this?
The nurse came back in with a glass of water and quickly came over to my bed, raising the back of it so I was sitting more upright. “Okay, okay, here we go. Can you take a small drink of water, Abigail? Can you do that for me? Maybe it’ll help you calm down.” She raised the straw in the glass to my mouth and I took a sip, letting it quench my thirst.
Mom moved back over to my side, fear in her eyes at my breakdown. “Is Whitney a friend of yours? Do you want us to call her?”
I shook my head, unable to meet her eyes. How did I tell her Whitney was a friend that I had made up while I dreamed up the past five years? I knew I had told myself that I believed the note I had received was real, but it never prepared me for the pain of realizing what would happen once I woke up and my best friends were gone. That they were never there in the first place.
The nurse looked over my charts again and smiled at me. “Abigail, the doctor who’s been treating you, Dr. Cole, is on his way, okay? He should be here shortly. He was actually on vacation, but when we called him to say that you had woken up, he said he was coming right in.”
I nodded, not caring at all if some doctor were coming in or not. At this point I was regretting my decision to jump in front of that car. I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back to my dream and have Whitney and Lane with me. I was so stupid. I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. And I was never getting it back.
Invisible Future Page 17