SEED

by James T heart

  Chapter: 1.3 Significance of Jade, Psychosis

  This is not right! I don't deserve this period. 'You are not giving up on me. You are not giving up on me! I am not going in a home with something unethical, theoretical hypothetical, and with Mephistopheles, No!'

  I am hearing things?

  Dripping with sweat, my eyes break to join my frustrations, and my emotions cannot be hidden, cannot be hidden! I break down and loose it, screaming doesn’t let her take me!

  My aquarium breaks with a splash, with salted tears rubbing my eyes red, I was surely not going to make it. One more try I say…?

  I never had the chance to explain, explain what I meant! How I feel! Give me that chance! I will do my schoolwork, I will clean my room, and I will have friends! I want friends!!!

  Mom! There is this girl at school I never told you about, yes mom! I have to tell you about her, 'I am so happy!' Please let me explain!

  Dr. Baller looks at me and says there is nothing to worry about Jade; I am just here to make sure you get the best help possible. 'I am not a monster, just a friend here to help you.' There is no need for you to fight this battle alone, I want to help. I understand you, and you have gone through allot for a girl your age. Give me that chance. 'Jade this is your choice for help!'

  Looking at the Doctor, I received a smile when speaks the words to me, help? Contagious it was, I smiled back. It felt good to breathe a safe breath again, did I trust?

  I will see you next week. 'You're going to have a great week at school, I promise you that Jade!'

  Chapter: 1.4 the Significance of me, and buying Cheap Conditioner

  A few days go by, and I put in my best effort at school. My duties were at home? Well, things seem happier, not my best just better. My mother seems happy to see me happy, and I am happy to see her happy. My father is busy at work and not in the picture now. I stay here with my mom, and my new gold fish Goldie!

  I started to write allot of poetry from this moment on. Goldie made me happy, and so did my writing. Occupied and clear like Goldie's water. I stare into the aquarium, for inspiration, and it was like a new world for me. A new life to share, a life for me to look after to write with a clear mind, and not a frustration from here on; I sleep.

  I didn’t sleep well that night, tossing and turning for a race to? Over a period of time, I counted sheep, and the sheep didn't always make the jump over the fence. Why you ask? Well, it seems after a while my sheep were getting bored with the same old fence. I built an obstacle course for them now! Then, the sheep weren't making the jump. I thought of larger sheep and dreamed of lama's. The following night they didn't make it either. The next, was a pitfall with a white picket fence, ten feet of water by swimming gators, and I was thrilled with my imagination. Still not much sleep. The following day, I went into the shed and put an old noisy fan in the room to listen to. I focused on the sound of the fan, and for this I got an ok night sleep. No longer screams from the lama's, and no longer a late night snack for the gators. My pills made me get up in the night, to eat. I thought of my starving gators, and I try and distract my thoughts from the lamas getting mutilated here. Although some of them made it, and I ended up calculating the ones left behind, encouraging them to make it. I couldn't sleep like this; this was brutal managing my thoughts, or my herd I thought.

  My mind of frustrations, complications, and what was the point of doing calculations, I thought and thought! Calculating my youth, or calculating infinite regression? There was a progression to what… repression to a concession stand of pills? I almost forgot to tell you, I got older and my poetry got better!

  Distracting my thoughts, I decided to wake, write them down!

  My mind sees me, and I see my mind in need. Craving the moment of time, it is time to move on already. Damaging my days by date, I was attracted to everyone else but myself!

  How could I be ready, when I feel I lost? An image seen of me was not understood. I was seen as beautiful, and stressed. To see beautiful I could not, I only saw stress.

  My mind mapped an image of how I felt… this was my look!

  How does this make sense…? The intuition of nonsense, the distortion of today’s tomorrow. The past, and for the weight of future on my shoulders! Teetered and doomed!?

  Or am I???

  I am…

 

 

  bipolar

  Soul

  Working fulltime, this dream of mine has me hunger for more! Mindless eating, distracting mind it was. My thoughts are directed again to the clock. I calm, and wipe my face. Racing thoughts, racing breakfast! The passing of the hand upon thee; was 3? It felt like such a weight, such a…? Dropping the needle was too heavy for me to watch!

  I start to write, and I wonder? Do people think/assume or feel I am confusing myself here. Well I write in ink because I say what I mean, and I mean what I feel… I think!? So here go’s, I jump around, people tell me! This kind of pisses me off when people say this! So I start painting a picture with words, and I can’t help it if I have a photographic memory. I worked for this; the brain is a muscle, I didn't want to hit the gym every day, every night, this was my illness. Nothings perfect, I thought by headaches.

  Halfway through my story, and always a story from a few words I get interrupted. Interruption happens with the ones who know me, just those ones. However, I understand now! The first picture I painted, there was patience for and so I framed it. I had hands out with a smile to give, this gift. Friends I had, until I had pictures painted in everyone’s mind incomplete, and not framed. I believe they had too many pictures of me, pictures of the way I seen them, beautiful! If I was down, my picture would be, and if I was up my picture would be? If I were down, and needed to be up then my picture would be?

  I can't stop these tears, they bleed inside me!

  Sincerely… and conformed to!

  -Jade xoxoxoxo

  I have to force myself to remember this dream of mine,

  and I have to.

  Thinking deeper, and looking deeper staring across the room, through a fade of paint on that wall. I am fueled by delicious, my vision getting distorted time changes, and everything seems so clear. I see myself swimming deep for the black sands of the ocean, and upon that floor a reflection of…?

  I have been here before, I am sure!

  My thoughts connected to a swim in a tear of emotion, and in…

  The sea of me and with a find at the bottom of the…?

  What was it?

  The apparition of psychosis, the imagination of mindset I was confused, and I will admit that. What did you expect another picture framed, and uneasy. Get the point .

  Going back to the cupboard without a doubt, I was moving forward. A doubt I was racing, and moving cautiously. Looking down at my hands again, and bringing them into focus close to my face; I had stress, and that is real. That is real!

  I am Jade, and for I am thee… and that is life!

  Turning hands slowly in front of my eyes, with not a need to catch a tear, more observant I was, and this fuzz. I could have put my head down when my hands got heavy, I did not! Throwing them up into the air, without a care and without a fear, I shout!

  This is bullshit, and today is a day for me.

  I walk towards the bathroom with my complexion in mind, and my mind on my complexion. Damn it Jade, you know your pimples are going to get bigger, stop it!

  My distortions of going out today and my distortions… always distortions! I want to have a day, and a splendid one. Possibly ruined? I will have to see, wont eye? The air leaving my lungs and my flush fades. I feel I will be ok this time. This time is owed to me mirror!

  I won’t have your face of stress that will jeopardize by socialize my day, again. You got that!!!

  Looking down and then up to mirror, ever so slowly. I step on the tile below for good measure, inline and in tune for a pretty face. I see an image, and a reflection of me. My eyes come into a view. Looking deep for the void by p
ore, I yell Stop it Jade!

  Stop hurting yourself!

  My breath draws my head down for defeat, under breaths me to start my day sick?

  My past, a stress of day and walls open in pores. Over cleansing, over thinking, and overdoing myself in every morning was the torment of my day, the start of… anyways? Consider the rest?

  I tune out, and I feel someone was looking back at me. Someone beautiful all of a sudden, distracting my past, I correct my view. Look back at myself in far worse shape than I feel, and fix the mistake. I wanted to be? My sight consumed thought, and my feeling started my emotions to halt. I feel different?

  Ice picks catching my tears, and puddle. I step away, and relax ~ to jump in the shower, and cleanse vigorously upset, with a ruff sponge to remove my years of pain, and suffering. This is my story, and I accepted change this!

  Am I having déjà vu?

  Turning off the water quickly I see a towel on the floor, from what? Ha-ha! Picking up the towel laughing at what was done, wait I just said that? Showering twice this morning, and bursting out laughing for showering twice morning. There it is again! But now the thought puzzled me? I trace my steps tile by tile and still wet.

  Not aroused, I said wet!

  A, ha, ha, ha, la, la, la! Red like tomato soup! Ok fine, I am ok with that my complexion is even. Extra clean, fresh, and without a deep pore on my face. Doesn’t mean I have to dig myself another hole here! Where’s my make up, I have to get out of here. Thank God for HD TV!

  I ramble, ramble, and ramble on with a move on! Picking up the towel with my toes, and I give myself a quick dry, and gross! I had to smell it. The towel picked off the floor?

  Gross! 'Swampy!'

  From the depth, sea to shore I found a swamp, and a towel nearby. For I named the beast Swamp Vegan! No time for the mess, you can look after the place!

  Stepping away from the mirror as usual steam covered and heated. No reflection, and not to worry, not even makeup this time it was different. The mirror looked fine, and so did I, masked. I wasn’t rushed, I was dead beat tired, and I was ok with that!

  Leaping into the bedroom to be clothed to find something to wear? Now what to wear? Maybe just have to air dry, wake up high, and I love to dance! I move to the beat and in tune better than most others. This is not allowed, ha! I am having so much fun with this; screw you if you can’t get high for free! Screw you; conformed to serotonin levels, dopamine levels… the what? I blocked the… my mistake dopasphere

  Picking the outfit was silly yet the funniest part; obviously couldn’t help but recall the laughter when I got that floral dress, mother! This is going to be hilarious! You lied, you wore it!? I swear my head is worse than peer pressure. Well this would be the correction, this would be fixing the mistake, and that is how it works!

  No it doesn’t work, find something else!

  Oh snap, Whiskey! I left food out for you, and where the heck are you? Where the hell are you! Oh sweet thing, there you are. Awe so cute 'my little lactose!' I know you want milk in your dish, you know that’s not good for you, and I want the best for my little lactose. It’s a hard life for you sweetheart; my domestic and rambunctious cat! You catch up on your rest, and are careful. Remember whose dish that is! I bought that one for you, and not for Swamp Vegan!

  Bye Whiskey, Mommy love’s you!!!

  Chapter: Celebrity Status

  Forgetting about a complexion that has shown itself off with a plethora of insight, from Monday to Friday of the last week's work schedule, and therefore. Therefore buahahahaha!

  I put some cover up on my thoughts and just went out. I can't go out like this Yes I can, stop thinking! Look at this dress, can I get a hell yes for distraction & thank you!

  All I need is fresh air that is all I need. I have to get out of here, and breathe the cool summer air meeting the hot summer rays, and the sand? Snap, that's it, the beach it is. I have to get beached!

  Not worrying about a thing I went floral, and feet were thinking sand and went light. The stranglehold from jeans I slept in last night compromised with my feet, and either way I look great with distractions!

  Left my apartment, and down the hall not getting very far. I run back to my apartment to check, and see if the door was locked? I unlock the door to check the mirror; Jade doesn’t do it! With an unorthodox trust to my empty stomach and my gut feeling I run down the hall laughing directional. Smiling was free, I was zonal. There was somewhere I had to be, and that was free from the cold walls, free from the conformed never changing box without light!

  Today was a good day, and it just started! I stop, look up and say the sun smiles with you, and that's a fact!

  The rays from sun, for the cold summer breeze from the heat of day, had me taken. The Spirit had me on my way, and today was a good day!

  From the swing of a pleasant door; I step to the sidewalk with traffic in view, and a rush of blood to the head I exhaled. Thinking there was a shortcut, however with fresh air I could have just enjoyed my walk, but there was somewhere I had to be. Unsure, yet driven accelerated to, I couldn't wait for a light, I was on foot. I got two, and it takes two, as for taxis, not a chance. A misdirected fare to start my day, no way! I welcomed change.

  Moving right, I weave by the influence of many in a rush, and I am forced to slow down. So many, were moving much faster? I take my time to step aside, and get to a safer place. Looking right to the ones passing, looking left to the ones that got away. Automobiles hesitant by the gas the pedal, the traffic locked, and the horns couldn’t stop. Passers triggered cars, and cars triggered the stop of passers, the alarms went off for caution. The whole situation was a web of paranoia! The women held the purse tight, and the men would check there back pockets to see if they still had their wallets. Others would pass and wonder if something was wrong when they see me?

  Stepping not walking, with a toe kick and a step in front of an oncoming crowd, and step out again before I get hurt. I stop to think, and then cut a path through curbing my enthusiasm, and standing upon it swaying my hips forward. My dress flips up over my head from a gust of wind tunneling, and at that very moment my green panties worn that day were seen. Feeling sideways, and correcting my posture, I believe. How could it get any worse?

  I put down my dress and continue. Over the curb, onto the street against the cars that have gas pedals. They forget about the brakes, and my break for peace? Oh… *$#(@*&%#^&^$&&, I had to run for it!

  I pointed at the bus, and he smiled giving me the ok to move on safely, with no need for road kill.

  Confusing I know it looked like this…

  ---------------- ------------------------

  - - - -bus- - -

  - - +

  - - - !

  ---------------- -----------------------

  The light go’s green I look forward at the curb at the other side. The engines roaring with the people upset about gas prices, the pedal hits the floor making me jump, and this I cannot contest. I run for faster from my break with the bus, I still had to get to the other side of this street.

  Running across for safety, I lose my shoe and forced to yell @U

  *^ %&#&^%*( &%&% (*&@ (*&$*, give me a minute damn you!

  My shoe stuck on the street with cars, trucks, side puddle scooters, and my shoe! My shoe!

  Running back to the street for my sandal, correcting myself and not taking this! I owned me; luckily I had enough time. Oncoming traffic, fueled by price had me scared! Was it luck, or just mine? I yell stop! Stop you fools, stop! Holding my ground, I tighten my hips, and stand tall with an arm that swung out, showing life! I put my sandal on in my time, with a little help of course, seems the wind picked up again, and I walked slow showing off my best assets. Bipolar kicked in and I blew a kiss, took a bow with a small lift, and a cross of stems. The little fat boy with a face squished to the window from the backseat of a car passing, got my
wink, and I am sure to be remembered.

  Turning to walk uptown, while facing the oncoming pedestrians staring through me like something was wrong.

  Meanwhile…

  I couldn't help going beat red with blush, luckily I had my purse, and I didn't need much. A wink and a tweak of smile had me on my way. Even a raise without work, finely groomed eyebrows had me moving to bigger places. I didn't need to get ready for this. I was, and for good measure ready to move on.

  Way downtown, and skipping to the beat I say to myself, there must be a way! If I go through the mall, past the rats, I will find my way to the peace I seek at last. It will be difficult, distracting to focus without selling myself short. I have what I need. I continue to enjoy my day. First things first I have to get through the mall.

  My spirit is with me, I feel as I should. I am blessed with my hair a mess, and no worry. The rest, are they concerned? Neither am I. I look fine, I feel fine to be, and see without a stare or face that is not mine, sublime!

  I skip, and save the grace for my feet. I smile at ones wondering, and I let them wonder. I had to make it to the other end of this tunnel, as I seen the light. Not far and insight, I have to make it, I had too!

  I was to enjoy even the roughest times, lucky, and unlucky I still had a chance. Time to me was to fix mistakes, and that is how it worked! That is too bad; I had to learn the hard way. The solution was for me, and the resolution was resolved to strengthen.