“Don’t be so negative.”
“The people who run similar lounges will not be eager to see us arrive in case we do the same thing to their establishments, and the government officials won’t look too kindly on the whole mess either.”
“Funny you should mention government officials…”
“Oh, no.” Ryu shook his head.
“You’re completely right.” Tabitha patted his arm. “You’re an abomination that’s half Ryu and half Hirotoshi, but you’re also right—no one is going to want to talk to us. So we aren’t going to try to talk to anyone.”
“What’s your plan? Let them come to us?”
“You’ll see. Achronyx, any luck yet?”
Yes. Several bars meet your specifications. One is three blocks north. I will let you know which it is when you approach. The sign is in hieroglyphs I cannot read.
“What specifications did you give, exactly?” Ryu looked a little nervous. “Kemosabe…”
“Oh, don’t worry so much. I just asked Achronyx to find me a bar that was close to government offices.” She looked down at her shirt and gave a pleased smile. “You know, I might have been wrong about this one. It makes everything look so bouncy! If only they didn’t still hurt,” she groused.
“You healed from that almost immediately. There are no bruises remaining. Any pain is in your—”
Tabitha interrupted him. “Soul, yes. That someone could be evil enough to shoot something so beautiful as my rack.” She looked at him. “Hirotoshi—”
“Ryu.”
“We’ll just see about that. As I was saying, it pains me deeply that someone could see such beauty and want to destroy it. Flex is truly a collection of the lowest of every species.”
“No argument on that front. The level of corruption on this planet is insane. I’m surprised Bethany Anne hasn’t simply told us to burn everything to the ground and start over. There are probably three or four worthwhile businesses, and maybe a dozen people who aren’t aligned with some sort of mob.”
Tabitha snickered. “Too true. Achronyx, is that it?” She pointed ahead at a building painted bright yellow. “The glow-in-the-dark one?”
If it is diagonally across the intersection from you, then yes. Additionally, please refrain from getting hit by the bus.
“What bus—”
Tabitha got hauled back onto the curb by Ryu as a double-wide three-story bus rattled past. It was a hovercraft in theory, but it looked as if it had maybe a half a street left before it fell apart. It was sagging toward the ground and shook as people left their seats to get to the exits.
“My guess,” Ryu mused as he stared after it, “is that some of the money apportioned to public transit may have mysteriously gone missing. Just a guess, mind you.”
“Hookers and blow,” Tabitha agreed. “It’s the same everywhere you go. Travel the universe, they said. See new places, they said.” She headed across the street, bitching.
Ryu sighed and hurried after her. What had he been thinking when he put himself forward for this job? Things were much more fun when Hirotoshi kept Tabitha focused on the mission so Ryu could just worry about making well-timed quips.
Speaking of which, Hirotoshi would probably have gotten out of her what she was hoping to do in this club. Ryu hurried across the street to catch up with her.
“So, what is the game plan when we get inside?”
“Ah.” Tabitha smiled. “We’re going to find a private booth, then you’re going to live it up like you’re someone who knows how to have fun. I wouldn’t worry so much, but…you know, you went through the transporter wrong and got turned into Hirotoshi.”
“That poor man. Does he put up with this many insults on every mission the two of you do?”
“You already know.” Tabitha sniffed. “You’re him. You aren’t going to throw me off with clever questions.”
Ryu threw his hands up as they strode into the club. The bouncers hadn’t stopped them, and he personally thought that was a very bad sign. A hundred-thousand-credit hit was out on them, and the bouncers were just letting them through?
“Kemosabe, what are you planning to do while I ‘live it up?’”
“Let’s get some drinks, and I’ll explain.” Tabitha waved at a waiter and gestured to herself and Ryu before giving an exaggerated shrug.
The waiter nodded. The request was common. With so many species around, it was easier to have a bartender simply mix something appropriate than it was to guess what might or might not kill a given race.
“That booth,” Tabitha suggested, and they headed over to it and sat.
“So, what are we—” he asked before she cut him off.
She looked around, her voice a bit lower than normal as she scoped out the individuals. “Not yet. I’ll explain.”
Ryu sat praying for patience until their drinks arrived. He took a long pull of his and nodded. It was surprisingly good—fruity and sweet, reminding him a bit of a pina colada.
There were worse things in this world. It wouldn’t do to look like he was enjoying it too much, though, or Tabitha would never stop giving him shit about it.
He looked at her…and his jaw dropped.
She was gone.
He hadn’t even heard her move. She had just disappeared completely.
“Kemosabe?” He looked around the bar, lips pressed together. “Tabitha?”
“So, long story.” Her voice came through his earpiece. “I’ll be back shortly.”
“Tabitha!”
“You sound like my mother right now. And an awful lot like Hirotoshi. What made you decide to swap faces? Neither of you is good-enough looking to want to engage in experimental procedures just to get that face.”
Ryu sat fuming in the booth. He took a long pull of his drink.
“Ryu-toshi?”
“I’m subsuming my rage toward you in fruity drinks, and what did you call me?”
“It’s my new name for you. Ryu-toshi and Hiro-u.”
His eyes rolled to the ceiling - “That is entirely nonsensical, and if you translate—”
Tabitha spoke over his reply. “I’m a little busy right now. Live it up! I’ll be back.”
“Oh, I’ll live it up. I’ll live it up so much Bethany Anne will be calling to ask why you spent so much on bottle service. I’ll live it up so much that— Kemosabe? Are you still listening?”
No answer. Ryu finished his drink and stared at the glass speculatively.
It was nearly impossible for a vampire to get drunk. He’d watched other people try and only shook his head. Right now, though, seemed like the perfect time to try. If he was a decoy, making a big show of living it up, there was going to be almost nothing equal to him downing enough liquor to get well and truly drunk.
He cracked his neck and stretched his fingers, then held up one hand.
“Waiter. Yes, hello. I would like forty-eight shots of the strongest liquor suitable for humans. After that, as soon as possible, please bring…”
A few floors up, Tabitha stifled her laugh as she eased herself through one of the windows and gripped the top of the window frame. The building actually got wider as it went up, so at this level, she was quite close to the government building next door.
She took a small grappling hook out of her coat and attached one end to her belt and the hook to the window. She hung for a moment before swinging herself sideways onto a small ledge, where she released the grappling hook and then flung it up into the darkness again.
She climbed up the wall, braced against the rope, and darted lightly across the tops of a few windows.
She was now close enough to leap to the government building. She landed on a windowsill and crawled into the shadow of a small deck, which she worked her way along the bottom of before poking her head over the edge to look.
No one was here. She used the railing to pull herself up and shook her head. Who put a natural climbing aid on the wall of a secure building?
Maybe aliens never did parkour.
Her target was in the top few floors of the building near the back. Tabitha used the deck’s railing to get to the next floor, then found enough simple holds in the windows and wall materials to get up to the roof. She climbed over the railing and returned the grappling hook to her coat before checking her hair, tugging her shirt down, and heading for the door into the building with a smile.
She would have liked to have arrived on a helicopter, but a girl couldn’t have everything. Besides, it would probably play havoc with her hair.
Inside the building, she headed down the stairs, freezing the security feeds as she went. During the day it would be too risky to do something like this. But at night in a back stairwell? No one could tell the difference between a still shot and a live feed.
Floor 18, Achronyx?
Yes. It’s empty at present.
Thanks, Spanks.
Is that some human term I am unaware of?
No, I just made it up. Tabitha grinned as she trotted down the hallway. I like it as a nickname for you, though. “Spanks.” I think I’ll keep using it.
Is Spanx not a type of undergarment?
I wouldn’t know. I never wear undergarments.
Have I mentioned how delightful I find it that we are more friendly with one another and able to share such confidences now, Ranger Tabitha?
Are you serious? Tabitha would not put it past Achronyx to say something like that and mean it, especially since he lacked any real context about undergarments. On the other hand, he did like to mock her.
Of course.
Well, that didn’t clear anything up. She frowned as she laid a portable keypad over the electronic lock. It sensed the residual oils on the keys and began pressing buttons on its own, with pulses of a neuro-negative something-or-other EMP type release (shit that she tried to learn but finally gave up) in between to keep the lock from sending a distress signal at each failed login.
It found the correct code soon, and the door clicked open.
“Gotcha!”
Tabitha slipped inside and gave a pleased smile. The terminal here was exactly the sort of thing she was looking for: flanked by multiple monitors, each with a real-time feed of information, and a well-worn seat for some sort of alien who had a much bigger ass than she did.
I hope the head of security is a Flexxent, she sent to Achronyx. Because if they’re more bootylicious than me, I’m going to have to do something about it.
Out of curiosity, what would you do?
I haven’t decided yet. She sat in the large chair and began to work. The protocols were sophisticated, but she had seen better ones. You could only break into so many banks before most systems got boring. Maybe I’d cut their ass off.
I trust that is a joke.
Maybe.
She tapped a few keys. It seemed to be a universal fact that government security systems didn’t use state-of-the-art technology.
“All right,” she muttered, she looked up, down and all over the screen. “It has to be here somewhere.”
Who was the bastard who had put a hit out on her? She was willing to bet that the government was monitoring things like that. Of course, they might be paid to turn a blind eye, but they’d certainly know about them.
It didn’t take long to find the section relating to grey- and black-market transactions, but once she was there, she realized how much easier this would have been if it was legal.
The legitimate part of the market was much, much smaller in Karkat.
She gave a little sigh and kept searching. She was used to finding different querying methods and slipping her way through indexing systems in multiple ways.
Finally, she got a hit—on an abominable misspelling of her name that she was never, ever going to let the Tontos see. They’d tell Barnabas, and he would make it her nickname until one of them died.
Probably Ryu. Because she’d kill him.
The person who took out the hit was indicated in the government files simply as BSG.
Achronyx, any ideas who BSG is?
I’m still trying to figure out if my translation protocols are accurate. May I say, Ranger Tabitha, that spelling of your name is—
Something I had better not hear from anyone other than the two of us, Tabitha interrupted. Understood?
Of course, Ranger Tabitha. There was a whirring noise on Achronyx’s end, and Tabitha decided to do some more digging for this BSG person. Might Benet Aljun’ra have another surname she was unaware of?
It is worth noting, Achronyx told her, that in the bulletin that is out, the name of the client is not specified. Only here. Perhaps it is their equivalent of “John Doe.”
How many others have the same designation?
Fourteen.
I hope that’s John Doe because otherwise this person collects hits like they’re Pokémon. Tabitha kept typing, narrowing her eyes in thought. Where else to search? Oh, this is interesting.
What is?
I’ll tell you when we’re out.
Uh-oh, Achronyx said.
Uh-oh, what?
I found BSG. Or, should I say, the Bureau of Global Security. They put their modifiers before the nouns.
I don’t care where they put their words! Are you telling me this is a government entity?
Yes. It appears to be their version of black ops.
Shiiiiit. Tabitha doubled down. Her work now had much more focus. She needed to get into these systems, get a lock in that she could hopefully keep accessing, and then get herself out of this building.
Achronyx let her work in silence for a few minutes, then said, I estimate that you should leave soon, Ranger Tabitha.
I know. Tabitha exited out of the computer system as quickly as she could, leaving it on the arrangement of screens that had been there when she arrived, and hurried back to the stairwell and then out to the roof.
She was climbing onto the side wall of the building when Achronyx reported, It looks as though they have put out a more official bulletin for your arrest.
More official? Tabitha lowered herself down the wall, clinging to it with her fingertips. Sonofabitch, this hurts. Thank God I can grow my nails back super quickly.
The hit on you is noted as BSG, which suggests the police may know that they are not to interfere. However, they seem to want to bring you in as well. I am not certain if this is an attempt to aid their black ops team.
Like hell am I going to spend any time in a police station on this visit.
May I point out that you pretty much entirely destroyed an upscale restaurant?
Nope. Tabitha leapt between the buildings again and scrabbled for purchase. For once, it was good that no one was there to see her. Cursing, she lowered herself back through the window and went down to check on Ryu-toshi.
“What the hell?” He wasn’t at the table, which worried her.
Achronyx, where is— Oh, my God.
Yes?
Um. Tabitha had no idea what to say to the vision in front of her. Things have gotten weird. Ryu is definitely not Hirotoshi, but I’m not sure who he is.
There, in the middle of the club, Ryu was dancing as though he didn’t have a care in the world. Surrounded by aliens, he was doing a very good imitation of whatever dance the others were engaged in.
The song ended, a new song started, and everyone gave a huge cheer—Ryu included. He threw his hands up and started into a complicated dance entirely on his own, and the rest of the aliens followed his lead.
Tabitha’s mouth was hanging open.
Achronyx, are you seeing this? Tabitha turned back to look at the now empty booth where she had left him earlier. Then shook her head as she turned back to the person who looked eerily similar to Ryu, but was dancing.
Yes. I am not certain what is confusing to you. Ryu is a highly trained warrior. As such, it is not unlikely that he would be able to dance skillfully.
Oh, yes it is, Tabitha muttered. She pushed her way through the crowd to Ryu’s side.
Ryu finally cau
ght sight of her and gave a grin, taking his body through a series of moves that seemed to reverberate through him. “I’m living it up!” he waved to her. “Come on, dance!”
Tabitha looked around and tried to copy the moves, and it wasn’t long before she was getting the hang of the footwork. “Damn, my ass looks fine when I shake it like this!”
“You can’t see your ass!” he pointed out.
Tabitha snickered “I have a mental image, and it’s great!” She put her arms up and twirled. “Oh, shit!”
“Oh, shit what?”
“Cops!” Tabitha hadn’t seen Karkat’s police force before, but she’d found that most cops looked pretty much the same—and there were three pushing their way through the crowd. There were indignant yells from the other dancers, and Tabitha jerked her head to the stairs in the back corner. “Come on!”
Ryu followed her, complaining all the way: “But I only just got them to bring me alcohol quickly enough for me to stay drunk!” He came around a corner too hard and slammed into the railing. “Damn!” This is fun.”
“Just my luck that I’d have a drunk Tonto right now,” Tabitha grumbled, “and not when I can take a holo and send it to Bethany Anne.”
Ryu gave her a betrayed look. “You wouldn’t. Wait!” He threw his arm out as they burst onto the roof. “Something about last time and roofs. We forgot something.”
“To hit the right building?”
“No, that wasn’t it.” He swayed slightly, then snapped his fingers and made a jaunty dance move. “That’s it! We forgot our harnesses.”
Tabitha rolled her eyes. “Come on, drunk boy, jump!”
They pulled the tabs on their harnesses and went off the edge of the building, floating down gently.
“You did forget last time, though,” Ryu insisted with the excessive seriousness of the gravely drunk. He hiccupped. “It’s already fading.”
“You’re a Nacht. It was already gone.” Tabitha rolled her eyes. “Come on, let’s find a place to ditch our stuff and change, and then we can go somewhere for me to show you what I found in the computers. Oh, by the way, the hit on us is from Karkat’s black ops.”
Deuces Wild Boxed Set: Books 1-4: Beyond the Frontiers, Rampage, Labyrinth, Birthright Page 30