by James Brooke
These experiences left her doubting her own talent and judgement. ‘I started to notice that I didn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.’
Case Study 5.3
When Graham, then a 48-year-old senior sales manager, was asked to see the sales director one Wednesday morning, he grabbed a pile of spreadsheets showing the last month’s sales figures and headed down the corridor, ready to discuss with his boss why some regions were doing less well than others.
‘I’d been giving it some thought and I had some theories and some suggestions to sort the situation out,’ he told us. But he never got the chance to discuss his ideas. ‘I was stunned when he asked me to sit down, told me that there was no easy way to say this and explained that due to a major restructuring of the department I was out – redundant.’
The father of three returned to his office and stared at the wall for what seemed like hours. Then he picked up the photographs of his children from his desk, put on his jacket and went home.
‘For the next few days I just felt numb. Then I began to get angry. It just seemed so unfair. I kept thinking “Why me?” and ruminating about who could have done the dirty on me.’
Graham visited various recruitment consultants but found the experience uninspiring at best. The few job interviews he had came to nothing. Eventually he realised that his anger and negativity were obviously apparent during these meetings. He began to take some time out to think about his options and think about the anger that he was feeling. That anger was understandable but it wasn’t helping him to move on, he realised.
Writing about his experiences was part of this process. He started from his time in his first job, writing about the highs and lows, the people that he had enjoyed working with and those he’d found difficult.
‘It wasn’t Shakespeare but it really helped to get it all down,’ he says. ‘I was pretty disciplined about it, too. I tapped away at my laptop on the dining-room table when the kids had gone to school and my wife was out at work. Even the discipline of sitting down at nine and not moving until 11, when I allowed myself to go off and do something else, was good.’
After a couple of weeks, Graham gave it to his wife to read. She questioned some of his assumptions while she could completely agree with other observations about himself and his working life. Coming back to his professional life story later, Graham found that some of what he had written simply didn’t ring true while other bits really struck a chord. ‘It was as if I was reading the life story of a stranger in places,’ he said. Being honest with himself by writing about his faults and admitting where he had, perhaps, been unreasonable or at fault on some occasions, as well as giving credit to people who he hadn’t liked, helped him to gain some vital insights and perspectives.
‘I realised that I wasn’t really happy with big companies, even though I’d worked for them all my life,’ he told us. ‘I also realised for the first time why I’d gone into sales – I’m actually quite a bit more competitive than I’d actually thought. That means that sometimes, looking back, I felt resentful of other people’s successes, I had to admit.’
Once Graham had finished writing his story so far, he went on to write a ‘credibly optimistic’ ending. This meant that with a new sense of self-awareness, and with the perspective that he’d managed to gain on his career so far by writing its narrative, Graham realised that working for a smaller company at an earlier stage in its development where he had more scope to do his own thing might work better for him. He’d even been willing to take a pay cut or commute further to find it.
Six months after this writing exercise, and thanks to some renewed determination, he contacted us to say that he’d found a job that just about fitted that brief.
Teach yourself to be resilient before you need it
After initially training as a psychologist, and having spent many years as acting tutor at the Bristol Old Vic theatre school, Peter Nicholas is now best known for transferring the principles he developed – to help actors to perform better – into the workplace, helping leaders to deal with the challenges of corporate life.
Peter’s crucial moment of insight came early in his career as an acting coach. He was looking at an eager new class of undergraduates and it dawned on him that there might be one or two outliers who would get lucky and sail through their careers. On the other end of the bell curve, there will be those who will never make it. But for the cluster in the middle, their ability to deal with repeated knock-backs would be as important as their talent in determining their success.
He decided that it made sense to teach resilience early in their careers; having never seen any evidence that resilience is entirely innate or unchangeable, he believes that to a large degree it can be learnt, and further strengthened.
Rejection comes very much with the territory in the acting world, says Nicholas, but with acting rejection is much more personal than it is with most jobs. Very often, it’s less about your CV or your skills, and more about how you look. It’s that your face simply doesn’t fit – and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Nicholas’s main thesis is that most of us only think about strengthening our resilience after we have had the knock-back, which isn’t too late, but he suggests imagining how much more effective you could be if you were to work at your resilience before the knock-back; this is what bulletproof people have done.
He describes how he wrong-footed a class of aspiring drama students on their first day. He asked them to take out pen and paper, and then told them: ‘Write a letter to yourself now from the you of ten years hence. You might want to say something like, “I know you were bitterly disappointed and it seemed very unfair and that you thought you’d never recover but actually in the long run it worked out.”’ Nicholas explains that the task gave them a sense of perspective. As a result, from day one they realised that tenacity was a quality that they would need, and thus their resilience was strengthened.
Nicholas advises his graduates to repeat the exercise whenever a sense of rejection is weighing heavy on them, as it helps them to realise that you get through tough times and come out the other side.
If you are going out to sell a new product, or an idea, or even yourself, start by preparing yourself to develop the resilience that will see you through. Sit down and write your letter at the outset. It is from the ‘you’ who has come through to the light at the end of the tunnel to the ‘you’ who is starting on the journey. Why is it worth sticking at it? What qualities have you got that will pull you through? And don’t forget – where have you already shown those qualities?
Summary
Resilience can be learnt – you can develop and strengthen it
Bulletproof people strengthen their resilience before they have a knock-back
Write yourself a motivational letter to support you on your journey
Get positive
Positive psychology is a new field of psychological research. Until relatively recently, almost since it was taken seriously as a social science, psychology had largely been concerned with negative issues. Psychologists have traditionally focused on feelings such as fear, depression, aggression and anxiety, the effects that these basic, animal emotions have on the mind, and the way in which we view the world and react to events.
Scientists have long talked about how emotions trigger what they call ‘specific-action tendencies’. For example, fear leads to an animal’s ‘fight or flight’ reaction, anger prompts the urge to attack, while disgust leads us to steer clear of something that would probably be bad for us. These psychological and physical changes in the body are essential for our survival as they protect us from danger – but all are entirely negative.
However, Barbara Fredrickson, who is Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology and principal investigator of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, is concerned with positive emotions. Along with colleagues in the US and from around the world, she has been inv
estigating the effect of feelings – such as joy, peacefulness, enthusiasm, love and an interest in new things – on the human brain and physiology.
The idea of being positive and of having an upbeat view of the world might sound lovely and warm and fuzzy; let’s face it, who could argue against such things? But there is now solid statistical data supporting this new positive psychology and exploring how it can help us handle difficult or hostile situations, in order to help us survive and prosper.
For decades scientists struggled to explain why we experience positive emotions. Some suggested that feelings of joy make us want to do anything as we feel a kind of euphoric optimism, while others have suggested that, on the contrary, such emotions simply make us want to do nothing because we feel relaxed and content. To a growing number of psychologists, neither sounded like very convincing or comprehensive hypotheses.
Barbara Fredrickson and her colleagues have developed a theory that they call ‘broaden and build’. Whereas negative emotions narrow people’s view of the options in any situation, positive emotions broaden their viewpoint. With a positive view of their surroundings, people become more creative and receptive to new ideas.
The main positive emotions include joy, gratitude, serenity, interest in new things, hope, pride in an achievement, amusement, inspiration, awe and love. We all experience these emotions – the trick is to make a conscious effort to identify and cultivate them, even when we feel that the world is treating us unfairly. It’s actually much easier to switch these emotions on and off than you might think.
Try this little experiment now: start by switching on your positive emotions. Take a few deep breaths and focus on the here and now. You might want to close your eyes or just look at something near you, such as a table or a wall. Then ask yourself: what can I feel grateful for at the moment? A roof over my head? My friends and family? A job that pays me well enough to allow me to have regular holidays? A colleague in the office who’s become a friend? You might not be able to tick off all of these good things but, then again, you might be able to add a few more of your own. Either way, it’s a fair bet that if you stop and consider it, you’ve actually got more to feel grateful for and positive about than you might ordinarily think.
Now, try turning off those positive feelings. What’s annoying you in the office at the moment? Who’s said or done something irritating or unfair to you at work? What’s recently gone wrong in your career? Take a few moments to feel how your spirits are drawn downwards. It’s actually surprisingly easy to affect your mood and your attitude by bringing such thoughts into your mind. By the way, you might want to take a moment to reflect on those good things again before you get too depressed!
But specific thoughts such as these – whether they relate to work or home life – act as levers that you can use to increase your positive, optimistic feelings whenever you want to. As with many things, the more you try it, the easier it will become – even when you’re feeling threatened or depressed by something that is happening to you.
Fredrickson has identified what she calls a ‘positivity ratio’. Her research has revealed that those of us who have a ratio of positive thoughts and emotions over negative ones – and very often this involves training and cultivating our minds to have them – of around three to one, are more resilient and optimistic. Not only this, but her research has shown such people are more creative, better at problem solving, more effective at leading teams and better able to see opportunities available to them.
It must be stressed that having a good positivity ratio does not mean wearing a suit of armour and being immune to negative thinking. ‘The whole point of the positivity ratio,’ Fredrickson says, ‘is that it’s important to also experience genuine negativity when circumstances warrant. Being resilient means being open, which also means being vulnerable. Which means the bullets will sometimes get through your defensive armour.’
This positivity ratio does, however, mean that there is a tipping point in our approach to life that can either cause us to enjoy an upward spiral of positive emotions and experiences or, sadly, draw us into a downward spiral of fear, depression and negative attitudes. Some people spend a lifetime in one camp or the other but, for most of us, as dynamic entities constantly reacting to what life throws at us – good and bad – we constantly move upwards or downwards in these spirals. But Fredrickson has identified ways in which we can consciously take the positive, upwards path more often than being dragged downwards.
So how can you raise your positivity levels and benefit not only from the increased resilience it offers but also from the idea of a ‘broaden and build’ approach to life, which can allow you to become more creative and receptive to new ideas?
• Be open – this is especially useful when you’re anticipating a difficult meeting or when a new boss comes in and makes you feel unwanted or under threat. Become aware of any judgements or assumptions that you are making about people or situations, and picture yourself temporarily putting them to one side
• Be kind – you might not feel particularly charitable when you’re under attack but research22 shows that altruism makes people feel more optimistic and open to opportunities around them
• Develop distractions – go to the gym, go to the cinema, read a book, arrange to see friends
Summary
Switching on positive emotions, especially after a knock-back, is difficult
Being positive doesn’t mean ignoring your negative feelings; it means putting them into context
Using certain thoughts as levers will improve your feelings of optimism and positivity
Do a stocktake of your strengths … be an advocate for your success
There are a number of other techniques that can boost resilience. One is to stocktake your strengths. Look at your life so far and make an inventory of your successes, with none being too small, and list them. This could be your last promotion or it could be when a colleague thanked you for your help with something. It might also be when you made an important contribution to a project or helped to win some new business. Perhaps you gave advice to a junior colleague or trainee who had a problem. It could just be a ‘thank you’ email from a client you helped.
You may find it hard going at first, particularly if you are feeling a bit low, but remember, they do not need to be in chronological order and no success is too small to be listed. You will find as soon as you start to think of one or two, your memory of successes starts to flow. (And remember, it’s a stocktake, not a gap analysis; you only need to focus on what is there, not what’s not there.)
Peter Nicholas recalls the story of Bruce, who was made redundant from a senior position at a global energy company. Bruce had been high up the tree there, with all of the trappings of seniority, but he had been a one-company man; he had not had to search for a job since graduating and, in his mid-fifties, he was sure that it was all over for him.
Bruce came to Nicholas to help build his confidence at interviews, but Nicholas recognised that he needed something more: he needed to bulletproof his mind.
‘I encouraged Bruce to list his successes, no matter how seemingly infinitesimal. I encouraged him to give himself permission to list anything. He then listed the qualities he had that had given rise to these successes. We also did the “advocate-for-your-success” techniques. Bruce listed all of the evidence that he could muster to argue why his current situation should end in success.’
The ‘advocate-for-your-success’ exercise is similar to the stocktake of your strengths. Imagine that you have an inner lawyer, whom you hired to search out and present every possible shred of evidence that supports the view that you will succeed. List the evidence – every last shred of it.
Of course, success is never guaranteed, but by boosting both his confidence and his self-esteem, this radically improved the odds for Bruce. When we last heard from him, he was a vice-president at another global multinational.
Bruce was using evidence to dispute his critical thoughts.
In doing so he was preventing the catastrophising and the universalising aspect of his thinking to get a grip.
As you list the successes in a column on the left-hand side of the page, list on the right the attributes or personal qualities that brought them about. Be realistically generous to yourself. Then read through both columns and dwell, for as long as you choose, on how you feel when you do so. Repeat the exercise any time you need to boost your resilience. Also do the ‘advocate-for-your-success’ exercise. And remember to give yourself permission to include any strength, quality or piece of evidence, no matter how seemingly small.
Summary
Bulletproof people regularly de-catastrophise by doing a stocktake of their successes
No success is too small to add to the stocktake
Remember the ‘advocate-for-your-success’ list – look for evidence of why future success will happen
Bulletproof people improve their odds by boosting their own confidence and self-esteem
Keep separating the facts from the story
With his experience of coaching and mentoring actors, Nicholas vividly observed one aspect in particular among the emotions engendered by rejection: as actors we love drama. We love to dramatise, and so it’s quite easy to focus on the cruelty and unfairness of this rejection and the effect it’s having on our psyches. Since working in the corporate arena, he’s seen lots of other people in all walks of life act out these feelings, too. Drama in life isn’t exclusively about actors. When people are hit by sudden bad news, such as a rejection, it’s natural to turn it into a drama or our own personal tragedy, however level-headed we think we are.
However, this need not be the case as you have a choice: you can choose to make this a drama about how you’re suffering because of a cruel world, or you can choose not to. You can work to get this rejection into perspective. For example, you can avoid catastrophising language, such as ‘That was a disaster!’, or ‘I was terrible!’, or ‘I came so close’. Did you really? This kind of thinking can become addictive.