by James Brooke
Putting things into words connects us with the cognitive – words make us think things through
Be honest when you write
You may be the hero of your story; however, it is important that you do not make yourself perfect. Any author will tell you how a purely bad character with no redeeming features is as boring as a purely good character that does nothing wrong. Also, it’s just not realistic. In the most interesting, absorbing stories, as in life itself, the best heroes are fallible people with whom others can identify.
You will only get the true benefit of writing your story if you are honest. Could you have acted rashly or unreasonably in the confrontation you’re describing? Your unreasonable boss might have had a good point or, thinking about it, you might be able to understand why he or she acts the way they do. It might not be the easiest thing to write but it’s important because it’s honest.
Some of these things will stand out when you come to read your words later. ‘Why was I so cross about that?’, you might find yourself thinking, or ‘How funny that I thought that was the case. Now I know it’s actually very different.’ Being mindful and self-aware is important when writing your storyline.
Similarly it’s important to differentiate between facts on the one hand and perceptions, emotions and interpretations on the other. Did something definitely happen or was it just your perception or feeling? For example, it’s a fact that the meeting started at 3pm instead of 2.30pm but it’s your interpretation, your perception, that your boss was keeping you waiting because he doesn’t value you. Now, if it really seemed as if your boss was snubbing you or not respecting you, then write that down. But note that it’s how you felt, not what definitely happened. Feelings are important. Include them in your story, but be clear when you are describing a feeling or interpretation as opposed to a fact.
‘Writing about your life and your experiences can show you an alternative storyline,’ says Professor Femi Oyebode. ‘A storyline offers a lens through which to view life. It offers freedom and flexibility – you’re in charge.’ So, he suggests, why not rewrite a ‘scene’ or an event with new perspective. For example, imagine your boss gave you some feedback (that’s a fact, by the way), which was negative (could be a fact or could be your perception), and which was very undeserved (even more likely to be a view or personal impression than an objective fact). Having written about what happened to you and how you felt, try writing it from your boss’s perspective. Put yourself in his or her shoes. What had your boss been doing just before you met? If the feedback was by email or phone, where was he or she when they wrote or said it? What else do you know is going on in their work or home life?
It might be tough initially to put yourself in the shoes of someone you’d like to punch in the face, but it can be an interesting – and very enlightening – experience.
‘Writing offers freedom and flexibility, but you need to reinstall reality,’ says Professor Oyebode. Let someone else read what you’ve written. Counterbalance it. ‘Fiction is about looking at different characters and standing in their shoes. That’s what writers do and you’re free to do it too in your narrative. It’s part of the therapy and it means that you can find a better perspective.’
Summary
When writing your story, be honest
Look at the situation from the point of view of the other participants – even those you feel are attacking you
It’s okay to be in the cave
We’ve been talking about the cave dweller, but here’s another manifestation of the cave: you can use it in your story to become more bulletproof.
Christopher Vogler is an expert on story structure and myth, and the author of The Hero’s Journey, which analyses classic story structure in films and books. As well as lecturing around the world, he runs a script and literary consultancy called Storytech. Vogler is interested in the idea of ‘reversal of fortune’, when ‘the action turns in the opposite direction’. This could be a dramatic improvement in a character’s circumstances but, more often, it’s associated with tragedy. This idea is every bit as relevant in modern film scripts and novels as it was in ancient Greek myths and legends. Vogler describes this reversal of fortune, the low point in the Hero’s Journey, as time spent ‘in the cave’ – sometimes quite literally.
‘Going into the cave,’ he says, ‘is often featured in storylines because it parallels these setbacks in life.’ Even if characters in a plot don’t physically enter a cave, the term is used as a metaphor for being in a bad place during one’s journey. Caves are isolating; the deeper you go, the lonelier it gets. That’s how it feels for a character at this point in a story. This is also how things might feel for you in real life. That is why we use the metaphor. Just like the hero of a story, you will ultimately come through the experience stronger and wiser.
As they think about things, our hero finds out more about themselves. To take one slightly absurd example – but which, thereby, proves the rule – in The Simpsons Movie Homer undergoes a bizarre and terrifying ordeal with a mythical Native American Indian woman after Marge leaves him to return to Springfield. However, having come through this experience, Homer learns more about himself and how he relates to the world. He is purified and reinvigorated as, suddenly shorn of everything comfortable and familiar, and alone and frightened, he is forced to focus on the essentials of his life. As with other characters that enter the cave, either real or figurative, this time is about basic survival and what’s really important. Four-fingered yellow cartoon characters aside, if you think of almost any movie you’ve seen, from an all-action adventure to the fluffiest romantic comedy, there will be a moment similar to this.
Vogler tells us that it can be viewed as a form of death and rebirth: part of the character is dying, and the old part that necessarily didn’t work is going. The character needs to embrace that, and this acknowledgement releases something, meaning the character emerges from the cave even more determined to continue with the quest. They don’t just reset or reboot themselves – they’ve actually changed, and they now have a different perspective on life.
The fact that the hero or protagonist spends some time in the cave or the wilderness is what makes a story interesting. Almost all high achievers, in virtually all fields, have spent time in the cave before achieving success. This is simply part of their story. If you find yourself in the cave, remind yourself that most successful people have been in this situation at some time. It is simply part of your story. Time in the cave is a transient part of your journey.
Summary
It’s okay to be in the cave. You’re not the only one to have been here … and to have escaped
Being in the cave is temporary. Looking at the situation this way reminds you that it is temporary and not permanent
If it fits your situation, then write about it honestly, remembering that, like others, you’ll escape from it, more bulletproof than ever
Stand in the future to see things clearly
Remember how Peter Nicholas wrong-footed a class of aspiring drama students on their first day by telling them to ‘write a letter to yourself now from the you of ten years hence’? He suggests that doing this after a disappointment or a knock-back will give you a sense of perspective. You might want to say something to yourself like, ‘I know you thought that you’d never recover but actually in the long run it worked out.’
It seems that our minds are much better at thinking imaginatively and creatively if we are in the future, looking back, rather than standing in the present trying to imagine a way forward.28
Here is an interesting example: a class of Canadian undergraduates were asked to focus their attention on a colleague in the room, and they were then told that the colleague would be taking a long vacation to Europe that year, and were asked what they imagined she would be doing. Suggestions were stuttered out slowly and awkwardly, but the overall impression was fairly blank. They were then asked to imagine that they were in the future, that it was the fall, and that the
colleague had just returned from her European vacation. They were asked what they imagined she did. The ideas flowed.
To recap, imagine your story. Imagine you are in the cave … in the wilderness … hit by the perfect storm. Now imagine you are in your future and things have worked out successfully. Tell your story, the story of the journey.
And if you do not have a pen and paper to hand, Nicholas suggests another technique that you can do any time:
• Again, stand in the future
• Imagine you are being interviewed. The interviewer wants to understand the story of your success, but prefaces the question by pointing out that she understands that it hasn’t all been plain sailing, but far from it
• Now tell your story. And remember the tougher the time in the cave or the wilderness, the greater the story of your journey
The I-choose Game
Imagine that in the future you eavesdrop on someone who is discussing the reasons for your success. Imagine what you hear. But, and here’s the key, each attribute listed must be a behaviour you have control over. God-given, innate gifts, such as wit, intelligence or physical beauty, are banished. Instead the attribute must be a matter of your choice. For example, you have 100 per cent control over the level of enthusiasm that you display about a given mission or task, so this could be an attribute being listed.
Here is the list that one of our colleagues came up with: I choose to be contagiously enthusiastic about my work, to get interested in people and care about them, to be persistent and to pay attention to details.
Once you start your list you will find the ideas begin to flow and you will be surprised by how many of the attributes that predict success are simply a matter of behavioural choice.
Summary
Our minds are better at thinking imaginatively if we’re in the future looking back as opposed to standing in the present and trying to imagine a way forward
Bulletproof people are able to tell a great story of their journey by imagining themselves in the future when things have worked out successfully
CHAPTER 6
DECONTAMINATING TOXIC FEEDBACK AND OTHER ASSAULTS
CERTAIN EVENTS CAN knock us off our feet and lead to us feeling depressed and confused, such as a verbal attack that comes from nowhere, being on the receiving end of harsh, critical feedback or being cruelly rejected. But, even here, being mindful, and quieting that inner cave dweller, can make you bulletproof.
Case Study 6.1
When Mike’s client asked him to present the tactical Christmas campaign to his board (at a major retailer), Mike took the request in his stride. Mike had just been introduced to Didier, his new contact at the retail client.
‘I worked late about five or six nights on the trot plus a weekend,’ said the 29-year-old senior marketing executive. ‘I even had to ask my wife if we could postpone her birthday dinner – I just wanted to make sure that I had every detail and every fact right, as well as being able to show some great ideas.’
He persuaded his team and the agency’s design department to work late, too. The ideas that Mike and his team had been developing were polished up and turned into eye-catching slides for the presentation.
‘One of the guys in the design team said that it was the best work they’d ever done,’ said Mike. ‘I sent it over to Jonathan, my boss, who was in Hong Kong, and he emailed back, “Excellent work. Go get ’em.”’
So, two days later, Mike drove down to the client’s headquarters, an hour’s drive outside London. He arrived early, set up his laptop, checked through the presentation for the umpteenth time, and then he and his assistant put out some toys and gimmicks around the table for the board members.
‘They really liked them – in fact, I thought we’d never get around to doing some work,’ said Mike, laughing. ‘Yeah, I actually enjoy presentations. Once I get going and the nerves subside, I really get into it. It’s even better if you believe that you’ve got something really special to tell the client.’
As Mike went through the agency’s plans for their client during the all-important run up to Christmas, the board members looked suitably impressed. They even began to discuss the practicalities of implementing the new marketing strategy.
‘Heads were nodding, they laughed at my jokes – one of them even said “great idea” about one of our suggestions,’ said Mike. ‘I still don’t know what went wrong.’
Didier’s call the next morning hit Mike like a punch in the stomach.
‘I actually had the whole team with me for a review meeting when I saw Didier’s number come up,’ Mike told us. ‘I put the call on speaker phone at first because I thought it would be great for everyone to hear the positive feedback we’d got, but then something told me to pick up the receiver.’
Didier started by asking Mike how he thought the presentation went.
‘That didn’t feel right. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer, as surely the point was for Didier to give his opinion. I sensed an ambush and, boy, was it lurking around the corner,’ said Mike.
Didier told an astonished Mike that the presentation had been a car crash and that it was going to take a lot of work to turn the situation around. Didier told Mike that the board felt his presentation made little sense and that his message lacked structure.
In fact, they felt that Mike was a poor communicator, that he had been ill-prepared, and that the whole experience was pretty embarrassing, Didier reported.
‘I just felt sick,’ said Mike, sighing deeply. ‘I kept thinking, had they really been at the same meeting as me? It didn’t make sense. I couldn’t understand how I’d worked so hard leading a great team and somehow we’d apparently got it so wrong.’
Decontaminate criticism
Critical feedback is essential to performance. Most people are not highly competent when giving feedback and, therefore, incur a high emotional cost. When listening to critical feedback, our minds sense a potential assault. Cortisol, the ‘stress hormone’ which is secreted during the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response to stress, increases and automatically our minds prepare to keep us feeling safe, through defence, denial or counter-attack. How do we manage the feedback paradox? If we accept it as 100 per cent true and justified, our performance ultimately suffers through lower confidence, esteem and energy. If we reject it, accusations of not listening or being defensive become justified.
So, how can we allow useful information to be received while allowing the poor-quality, harmful feedback to embed harmlessly in the metaphorical bulletproof vest? An important way to quell what we see as an attack is by staying in what we call ‘enquiry mode’.
Feedback is essential to performance. Indeed, if we look at phenomena from the natural world, any dynamic system depends on feedback to be able to grow and survive. If you look at systems such as the human body, negative feedback is far more prevalent than positive feedback. Negative feedback in essence says, ‘Stop. Enough. Reverse direction. Another action is needed.’ Positive feedback says, ‘This is good. More of this.’ Positive feedback systems are rare in the human body, the most obvious of which is sex … but back to the workplace.
The problem with negative feedback is that we need it to perform, but the emotional cost of receiving it (and the ensuing psychological and physiological responses) often impedes our ability to perform. Some leadership gurus argue that we should abandon negative feedback altogether. The reasoning goes like this: when we receive negative feedback our minds perceive an attack and, therefore, go into defence mode and prepare for fight or flight. This, of course, brings about a temporary shutdown in creativity and our ability to learn. In our view, this is a bit like arguing against procreation because kids are tiring and stressful.
This line of reasoning then goes on to argue that the best way to improve someone’s performance is not to deliver feedback that can be upsetting but ‘to allow the other person to have a moment of insight’. The problem with this is that we know that we have a tendency to use self-deception strat
egies, particularly to support our self-esteem, when things are not going well. Our minds tend to cling to the version of reality that gives us the greatest comfort at the time.29
To perform at our best we need to find ways to learn from feedback but minimise the emotional cost of receiving feedback. When researching this topic, we came across an article in the Harvard Business Review entitled ‘Finding the gold in toxic feedback’30. Excitedly, we looked it up to discover how the authors had unearthed the holy grail of feedback.
The article identifies a new, presumably super-human breed of managers in business which it calls the ‘alchemists’. Alchemists, we are told, deploy the wise strategy of simply taking what is useful out of feedback. They focus solely on what is accurate, suspend judgement and manage their emotions, whereas those old-school human beings become defensive and emotional.
This is sound advice; or at least it would be if most of us were largely governed day-to-day by the composed, clear-thinking frontal cortex. The problem with advice of this nature is that it tells us what we should do as opposed to how to do it. And, of course, most of us don’t struggle with knowing what we should do. The problem is that, in reality – in the intensity of the moment – we end up doing something quite different.
Returning to the case of Mike, conventional advice would encourage Mike to see it in a more adult way, to view the feedback as a gift, to see it as a learning opportunity. To use our metaphor, this type of advice speaks to the guide when we should be learning how to train the inner cave dweller. When Mike received the feedback from Didier, his physiological response was that of a person experiencing an attack. The slump in self-esteem, confidence and energy that ensued shortly afterwards was his limbic system telling him to withdraw from the fray and go and hide. At the same time, the part of Mike’s mind that seeks coherence is scanning Mike’s life-story to connect this incident with similar ones and pull them all together in a consistent story.