The other two on my panel weren’t able to hear that because they were too busy unconsciously projecting their own rage and hurt onto the women on the panel. Sadly, this meant that there was no resolution, and no one was helped. Those ladies needed help and could have been open to change, but the fit panel mentors weren’t able to really listen and so weren’t able to understand where they were coming from. Afterward, I was fortunate to make a connection with the ladies and actually went on to help one of them work on getting healthy.
One reason listening is so important is that everyone looks at the world through different eyes. Our different cultural backgrounds and life experiences have shaped the way we think and feel. Some of us come from a scarcity mentality, which drives us a certain way. Others come from an abundance mentality, which motivates us another way. Some of us believe in God, some of us don’t. Republicans, Democrats—the examples of how different we all are from one another could make a book by themselves. The point is, transcending the limits of our individual perceptions is critical to reaching a higher level of communication and thus a dramatically enhanced quality of life.
What we’re aiming for is what many self-help gurus have labeled empathic listening. This is the kind of listening that puts you in the other person’s head and in their frame of reference, so you truly get what they’re feeling and understand what they’re saying. Listening this way has two major benefits. First, you gain trust and greater openness, which is always going to lead to more possibilities for connection, resolution, and creativity. Second, you are getting exact information about what’s going on, rather than just projecting your issues onto everything and everyone around you and acting on assumptions. And “when you assume something, it makes an ass out of you and me.” (I couldn’t help myself—it was right there, I had to say it.) Moving on to the bottom line, empathic listening allows you to create true and lasting communication and resolution.
It sounds great—but how do you listen empathically? It’s not something that comes easily. You can’t just decide you’re going to be a better listener, and bam, you are. We’re programmed at the deepest level to think with our ego, and overriding it takes awareness, desire, strength, and daring. Like almost everything, highly effective listening is a skill that you can work on and get better at with practice. This is a perfect opportunity for you to implement the techniques we discussed in Chapter 9—educate yourself on the subject, and build up your skill through target practice. Let’s get started.
STAY PRESENT
This has got to be the tenth time I’ve told you to be aware and stay in the moment. Are you starting to see why it’s so important not to check out? When you are listening to someone, make sure they know you are really listening. Stop what you are doing, look them in the eye, and give them your undivided attention. That means no checking your e-mail or phone, no TV, no multitasking—just focus on the words coming out of the other person’s mouth.
BE AWARE OF WHAT YOUR BODY SAYS
Our body language plays a big part in what we communicate to the world. The way we carry ourselves gives clues to our purpose, intentions, and attitudes. Gestures, facial expressions, and posture all say a lot about what we’re thinking and where we’re coming from. Scientists say that nonverbal communication, as they call it, is often more essential to understanding than words themselves. Using body language gives you an advantage on two counts: you can read other people better, and you can get your message across better.
I can usually tell right away if someone is interested in me by the way they look at me, or how they carry themselves when talking to me. For example, if their arms are crossed, they may be angry or upset or feel threatened. So I’ll give them a little space and make efforts not to be intrusive with my own body language or positioning. Or maybe they’re looking at the ground regularly while talking to me. That could mean they’re feeling intimidated, so I dial it down a little and take a step back. Paying attention to other people’s body language gives you insight into how they’re feeling, so you can adjust the way you’re communicating.
Be conscious of how you’re carrying yourself and how you’re coming across. Are you smiling? Believe it or not, smiling is actually a powerful, powerful tool that puts people at ease and engenders instant positive feelings. Are your arms uncrossed, and is your posture open? This invites conversation and interaction. Are you maintaining eye contact? You know as well as I do that someone who can’t look you in the eye is avoiding something and definitely looks a little shady. (But don’t take someone’s ability to look you in the eye as meaning they’re honest: some of the best liars can do so with no problem.) Small gestures make a big difference in how you are perceived and can go a long way in conveying authenticity and interest. If you want to learn more about body language, there are some great books, including Janine Driver’s You Say More Than You Think and Barbara and Allan Pease’s The Definitive Book of Body Language.
FEEL THEIR PAIN
Empathic listening is about more than just hearing the words—it’s about listening with the heart. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Pay close attention to how the subject of discussion makes them feel. Take into consideration their different customs, values, and background. To get the full meaning of what they are trying to convey, you want to comprehend beyond just their words and your own personal frame of reference. Until you truly feel in your heart what it would be like to live through the same experience, you can never truly understand the other person. Once a person feels that you hear and understand them, you will have a tremendous amount of credibility and validity with them, which you can then use to move forward in a mutually beneficial direction.
This step can be more challenging than it sounds. There are all kinds of people in this world, and many of them are going to have values you disagree with, perhaps violently. Some of them are going to hold beliefs that offend you, often deeply. But we are all human, one tribe. And we can always try to find common ground. You do this with your heart, not with your head.
What do I mean? Just so you get the idea of how this can work in real life, here are some examples of difficult scenarios and possible commonalities. If you have religious differences, maybe a common ground is that you both love and believe in God. If you have political differences, perhaps you can find common ground in the fact that you both feel passionately about making the world a better place. Once you find these emotional intersections, you can begin to grasp where the other person is coming from. And from this jumping-off point you’ll be able to move forward in a way that serves both of you. I’m so sick of telling you it won’t be easy, but it won’t. As I told you, I won’t make you false promises, but I will provide you with answers and solutions. And if you want big things for yourself, you’re going to have to figure this one out. FYI, I work on empathic listening every day, sometimes more successfully than others. It will get easier in time as you begin to see the benefits of your trials and tribulations.
LET THEM KNOW YOU LISTENED AND HEARD
Make sure your response lets the other person know they have been heard. You can listen empathically till you’re blue in the face, but it won’t do you much good unless the other person knows you’re listening. Think about how you feel when you pour your heart out to someone, and as soon as they open their mouth, you see they haven’t really heard a word you’ve said. It’s frustrating, embarrassing, and hurtful as hell, right? Now think about how you feel when you can tell from someone’s response that they get what you’re saying. I bet you feel relieved, validated, comfortable, and open to hearing their point of view. That’s why your response to the other person’s feelings matters most of all.
Now, there’s a trick to this, and although it might seem manipulative, just remember, if you weren’t really listening, you wouldn’t be able to do it. So don’t feel bad—think of it as using a formula. First rephrase what they’ve said. Be sure to include the way you perceive they’re feeling. Next you need to affirm your motives, to let the
other person know where you’re coming from, to begin to build trust. In doing so, what you say will have weight, and your suggestions, your advice, and whatever kind of dialogue you’re doing will be well received and taken seriously.
When we were shooting the episodes of Losing It, the process was intense. I would spend a week tearing through the lives of each family member like a tornado. Then I would leave them on their own to put into practice everything I’d taught them, staying closely in touch by e-mail and phone. Then six weeks later I’d come back to check on their progress. For one young woman, this period when her family was “on their own” became totally stressful, and she stopped responding when I reached out to her. I was deeply concerned that she had gotten off track, and I really needed to get to the bottom of it with her. So I made it as clear as possible that I just wanted to help. Here’s roughly how the exchange went:
Me: Rachael, what’s been going on with you? I’ve noticed you’re not responding to my e-mails. I’m concerned and confused, and instead of guessing what’s going on, I figured I’d just ask you straight out. You can be honest with me. That’s what I’m here for.
Rachael: It’s not that I’m trying to ignore you. I just feel like I have come to a point where I’m working hard and not seeing the results that you want to see. I’m coming to the point of wanting to give up. I’m so grateful for all your help and support, but sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough, even though I’m giving it my all. It’s discouraging. And I feel like we have to live up to a standard that so far we aren’t meeting, which is a slam to the self-esteem.
Watch how I repeat what she said about how I’m making her feel.
Me: I hear you. You are feeling pressured by me, and by the show, to lose weight at a pace you think you aren’t capable of and it’s making you feel like a failure.
Once Rachael knows I have heard her, that she can trust me to listen to what she’s saying, I go on to get to the bottom of this problem.
Me: Do you really want to give up, or are you just feeling afraid? You came to me saying you wanted to change your life. So did you change your mind? Tell me what you want for your future.
Rachael: It’s hard to put into words the way I feel, but it isn’t at all that I don’t want this! We all needed and still need your help and encouragement. You know we are a stubborn family, and we want the best results possible. We want to feel good about ourselves; we want to be happier and healthier. I just feel like it takes time, and I feel so much pressure to lose weight for the cameras that I get so discouraged and angry with myself. Please don’t get discouraged with us. It’s just hard doing all this from a distance and making sure we are all on the same page. I hope this helps you understand where I’m coming from.
Now see how I validate what she has said and give her the power to tell me what I can do to better help her.
Me: I can totally understand how you’d feel overwhelmed by this process. While you’re right, I do want you to lose weight for the show, I’m first and foremost here to help you. After all, that’s what this show is all about. I’m not discouraged about you at all! I just want to be sure that I’m helping you in the best way possible. It’s my understanding that your agenda, my agenda, the agenda of the show, are one and the same. From what you’re saying, it sounds like this hasn’t changed, so please let me know what I can do to make it easier for you to achieve your goals.
Rachael: I really appreciate your help. I think maybe if you could not ask me how much I weigh unless I bring it up, that would really ease some of the pressure. And if I’m having a bad week, try to understand and not judge me. I’m really grateful for this opportunity, and I’ll stay in touch more from now on.
Me: I can do all those things! And just know that I don’t judge you, not ever. I care about you, and I am here to help you get healthy in whatever capacity best suits you.
Now, let’s analyze this exchange for a minute. My first response was to let Rachael know that I heard what she was talking about and understood how she felt. This is not to be confused with my agreeing with what she said. People can say things you don’t agree with, and you can still understand how they feel. Personally, I didn’t think the expectations put on Rachael were unreasonable—I knew she had it in her, and I felt the time and tools that had been given to her were enough. But what I felt was totally irrelevant here. She was feeling overwhelmed and set up to fail, and I had to acknowledge and address those feelings before she’d be able to move on and get healthy. So I summarized the situation and let her know that I understood her feelings of frustration.
But then I went on to do something else, something that’s very important for all of us to do in our everyday interactions: I affirmed my motive. I let her know why I was having this conversation with her. By being transparent with your motives like this, you can build trust that allows you to forge a more open, productive relationship. In this case, I wanted to build trust so that Rachael could listen to what I had to say, so that I could help her get her life and her health back. Of course this only works if you have positive motives. If your motives are crappy or shady, then you’re wasting your time reading this chapter, but I’m going to go with the benefit of the doubt and bet that they’re not. You should never be afraid to tell the truth—it’s always enough.
I wanted Rachael to lose weight, for her and for the success of the show. I laid my motives out on the table to reinforce her trust, and I then asked her a few key questions about what she needed and how I could help.
LEAD THE WAY
Asking leading questions is the final part of empathic listening. As a listener, your role is to understand. That means you swap your judgment for empathy and your lectures for questions. By asking questions, you show that you are genuinely concerned and want to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling. This buys you a huge amount of trust. Look back on the conversations you’ve had in your own life. Have you ever been on a date with someone who talked the entire time and didn’t ask you a single question? Unfortunately, I have. I remember thinking through the whole thing, Wow, this person is an asshole. My point here is that if you want to win someone over, then ask them questions about who they are, how they feel, and what they need. These are the things that make all of us feel respected and cared about.
In addition to showing you care, asking questions will help you clarify what the other person needs so you can decide on a course of action that brings about positive resolution. By asking Rachael how I could help her, I ensured our mutual success. She gave me specific directions on what to do and what not to do to facilitate an outcome that was beneficial for both of us.
Mastering leading questions has one other very important benefit. It allows you, in some cases, to bring the other person around to your point of view. It’s another slightly manipulative technique, but if done with the best intentions, who cares? And even if you did lead them to it, ultimately they still need to make the choice for themselves, so don’t sweat it.
Here’s how it works. You can’t force change on someone—they have to choose it. Although it may seem like I’m doing some forcing on TV, I’m not. It just doesn’t work. Think about it: when someone tries to force you to do something, what’s your first instinct? Resist, right? The trick is to help people arrive at a productive conclusion they can own.
If I had told Rachael what to do, she would have felt bullied, and then she would have resisted. However, by asking her the right questions—“Do you really want to give up, or are you just feeling afraid? You came to me saying you wanted to change your life. So did you change your mind? What do you want for your future?”—I helped her realize a better path and was able to bring our agendas into alignment.
This way, there’s no power struggle, no fight for control—you’re putting the ball in the other person’s court and letting them decide. Instead of trying to control Rachael or convince her of my point of view, I led her through a series of pointed questions that laid out the pros and cons of
her choices, allowing her eventually to decide for herself that she did want to get healthy and lose weight.
Listening isn’t complicated. People want to be heard and feel known—that’s at the core of our humanity. To us, listening is love. When we’re listened to and understood—not necessarily agreed with, but heard and identified with—we gain the openness and trust required for mutually beneficial collaboration. Of course, this is a two-way street. So next we’re going to talk about, well, talking.
SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF
Your ability to voice your thoughts, feelings, and ideas effectively is just as important as your ability to listen. No man is an island (and no woman either!), and to have a great life, you must be able to collaborate with others.
We have a tendency to idealize individualism in our culture. But remember that island? We don’t get anywhere on our own, not truly. Would we have survived as a species over thousands of years without working together? Doubtful. You have to work with others if you want to be productive, and the way you speak to others determines whether they’re with you or against you.
Whether it’s the spouse you fight with constantly, the family members who push food on you, the boss who doesn’t like your ideas—whoever it is, other people play a huge role in your success. If you think you can achieve your goal on your own, you’re just being foolish. Check your ego at the door—there’s no room for it. If you’re really in this to make things happen, it’s time to swallow your pride.
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