by Nora Roberts
“I’m not a—”
“But you are,” Amanda told her. “You’re a Bradley, and so is that child. It’s Michael I’m thinking of in the long run, but I’m also thinking of you. What difference does it make what anyone thinks, what anyone knows? You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I let it happen,” Laura said, with a kind of dull fury. “I’ll always be ashamed of that.”
“My dear child.” Unable to prevent herself, Amanda rose to put her arms around Laura. After the first shock, Laura felt herself being drawn in. Perhaps it was because the comfort came from a woman, but it broke down her defences as nothing else ever had.
Amanda let her weep, even wept with her. The fact that she did, that she could, was more soothing than any words could have been. Cheek-to-cheek, woman-to-woman, they held each other until the storm passed. The bond that Laura had never expected to know was forged in tears. With her arm still around Laura, Amanda led her to the gaily striped daybed.
“That’s been coming on for a while, I’d say,” Amanda murmured. She drew a lace-edged handkerchief out of her breast pocket and unashamedly wiped her eyes.
“I don’t know.” Laura used the back of her wrist to smear away already-drying tears. “I suppose. Crying isn’t something I should need, not anymore. It’s only when I look back and remember.”
“Now listen to me,” Amanda said. All the softness had been erased from her voice. “You were young and alone, and you have nothing, nothing, to be ashamed of. One day you’ll realize that for yourself, but for now it might be enough to know you’re not alone anymore.”
“Sometimes I’m so angry, just so angry that I was used as a convenience, or a punching bag, or a status symbol.” It was amazing to her that fury could bring calm and wipe out pain. “When I am I know that no matter what it costs I’ll never go back to that.”
“Then stay angry.”
“But … the anger for me, that’s personal.” She looked across the room at the crib. “It’s when I think of Michael and I know they’re going to try to take him … then I’m afraid.”
“They don’t just have to go through you now, do they?”
Laura looked back. Amanda’s face was set. Her eyes glittered. So this was where Gabe got his warrior look, Laura thought, and felt a new kind of love stir. It was the most natural thing in the world for Laura to reach out and take her hand. “No, they don’t.”
They both heard the door open and close on the first floor. Immediately Laura began to brush her hands over her face. “That must be Gabe, home from the gallery. I don’t want him to see me like this.”
“I’ll go down and keep him occupied.” On impulse, she glanced at her watch. “Do you have plans for this afternoon?”
“No. Just to—”
“Good. Come down when you’re tidied up.”
Ten minutes later, Laura came down to find Gabe cornered in the living room, scowling into a glass of club soda.
“Then it’s all settled.” Amanda fluffed a hand through her hair, well satisfied. “Laura. Good. Are you ready?”
“Ready?”
“Yes. I’ve explained to Gabe that we’re going shopping. He’s absolutely delighted with the reception I’ve planned for the two of you next week.” The reception she’d only begun to plan on her way downstairs.
“Resigned,” he corrected, but he had to smile at his mother. The smile faded when he glanced over at Laura. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” It had been foolish to think that a quick wash and fresh makeup could hide anything from him. “Your mother and I were getting sentimental over Michael.”
“What your wife needs is an afternoon out.” Amanda rose, then leaned over to kiss Gabe. “I’d scold you for keeping her locked up this way, but I love you too much.”
“I never—”
“Never once nudged her out of the house,” his mother finished for him. “So it’s up to me. Get your purse, dear. We have to find you something wonderful for the reception. Gabe, I imagine Laura needs your credit cards.”
“My— Oh.” Feeling like a tree blowing in a strong wind, he reached for his wallet.
“These should do.” Amanda plucked two of them and handed them to Laura. “Ready?”
“Well, I … Yes,” she said on impulse. “Michael’s just been fed and changed. You shouldn’t have any trouble.”
“I can handle things,” he told her, feeling more than a little put out. In the first place, he’d have taken her shopping himself if she’d asked. And in the second, though he didn’t want to admit it, he wasn’t totally sure of himself alone with the baby.
Reading her son perfectly, Amanda kissed him again. “Behave and we may bring you back a present.”
He couldn’t suppress the grin. “Out,” he ordered. Then he caught Laura in turn and kissed her with the same light affection. It surprised him when she returned the embrace so ardently.
“Don’t let her talk you into anything with bows,” he murmured. “They wouldn’t suit you. You should try to find something to match your eyes.”
“If you don’t let the girl go, we won’t buy anything at all,” Amanda said dryly, but she was pleased and a bit misty-eyed to see that her son was indeed in love with his wife.
* * *
It wasn’t anyone’s fault that Michael chose that particular afternoon to demand all the time and attention an infant could possibly demand. Gabe walked, rocked, changed, coddled and all but stood on his head. For his part, Michael gurgled, stared owlishly—and wept piteously whenever he was set down. He did everything but sleep.
In the end, Gabe gave up any idea of working for the rest of the day and carted Michael around with him. With the baby nestled in the crook of his arm, he ate a chicken leg and scanned the newspaper. Since no one was around to chuckle at him behind their hands, he discussed world politics and the major-league box scores with Michael while the baby shook a rattle and blew bubbles.
They took a walk in the garden once Gabe located one of the small knit hats Laura had bought to protect Michael from spring breezes. It gave him enormous pleasure to watch the baby’s cheeks turn pink and his eyes look around, alert and interested.
He had Laura’s eyes, Gabe thought as he studied them. The same shape, the same color, but without the shadows that made hers both sad and fascinating. Michael’s eyes were clear and innocent of sorrow.
Michael whimpered at first, then decided to accept his fate, when Gabe slipped him into the little baby swing. After tucking his blankets in around him, Gabe sat cross-legged in front of him and began to stretch.
The daffodils were up in a glory of white and yellow trumpets. Baby irises poked through, purple and exotic. Lilacs, though still shy of their full bloom, offered their scent. For the first time since his own tragedy, Gabe felt at peace. In the mountains, all through the winter, he’d begun to heal. But here, at home, with spring all around, he could finally see and accept that life did go on.
The baby continued to rock, pink-cheeked and bright-eyed, his hands lifting and falling to the rhythm. His little face was already filling out, taking on his own personal look and shape. Gone was the terrifying fragility of the newborn. He was, Gabe supposed, already growing up.
“I love you, Michael.”
And when he spoke he spoke both to the one who was gone and to the one who rocked contentedly in front of him.
She hadn’t meant to be gone so long, but the chaotic few hours breezing through the shops had brought back the way she had felt during that brief period when she’d been on her own and eager to test life.
There had been a moment or two of guilt over using Gabe’s credit cards so freely. Then it had been almost too easy, with Amanda lending support, to justify the purchases. She was Laura Bradley now.
She had an eye for color and line that came naturally and had been sharpened by her time as a model, so what she had chosen was neither extravagant nor fussy. It had given Laura a great deal of satisfaction to see Amanda nod with ap
proval over her selections.
It was a step, Laura told herself as she carried her bags and boxes through the front door. It might be a step only a woman would understand, but it was definitely a step. She was taking her life in hand again, if only by acknowledging that she needed clothes—clothes that suited her own taste and style—to live it. She was humming when she walked upstairs.
It was there that she found them together, Gabe sprawled over the bed, with Michael snuggled in the curve of his arm. Her husband was sound asleep. Her son had kicked free of his light blanket and was shaking a rattle at the ceiling.
Quietly she set down her bags and crossed to them. It was a purely male scene, the man stretched across the bed, shoes still on, a spy thriller lying facedown on the coverlet, a glass of something that had once been cold leaving a ring on the antique nightstand.
The child, as if he understood that he was a part of this man’s world, lay quietly and thought his own thoughts.
She wished she had even a portion of Gabe’s skill. If she had, she would have drawn them together like this. Then the scene, the sweetness of it, would never be lost. For a while she sat on the edge of the bed and watched them.
It was so intimate, she thought, watching a man while he slept. She wanted to brush at the dark blond hair on his forehead, to trace the roughly hewn lines of his face, but she was afraid it would disturb him. Then the vulnerability would be gone, and this look at the private side of him would be over.
He was a beautiful man, though he didn’t like to hear it. The compassion in him, which he often coated over with sarcasm or temper, ran deep. When she looked at him now, freely, without his being aware, she could see every reason why she’d fallen in love with him.
When Michael began to fret, she murmured and leaned over him, trying to pick him up without waking Gabe. At the first movement, Gabe’s eyes opened. They were drowsy and very close to hers.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you.”
He said nothing. Going with a dream she couldn’t see but was very much a part of, he cupped a hand at the back of her head and drew her lips to his. There was a tenderness there that she hadn’t felt for a very long time, an offering, a promise.
It was a promise she wanted, if only he would give it. It was a promise she would believe in.
Michael, scenting his mother, decided it was time to eat.
Unsettled and wishing they’d had just a moment more, Laura eased back. When Michael began to root at her breast, she undid two buttons and let him have his way.
“Did he wear you out?”
“We were taking a short break.” It never failed to fascinate him how perfectly beautiful she looked when she was nursing the baby. He’d already sketched her like this, but that was for himself. “I didn’t realize how much energy you need to handle someone so small.”
“It gets worse. When we were shopping I saw a woman with a toddler. She never stopped running. Your mother tells me she used to collapse every afternoon when you’d finally worn down enough to take a nap.”
“Lies.” He shoved a couple of pillows behind his back and settled comfortably. “I was a perfectly behaved child.”
“Then it was some other child who drew with crayon all over the silk wallpaper.”
“Artistic expression. I was a prodigy.”
“No doubt.”
He just lifted a brow. Then he spotted her bags across the room. “I was going to ask if you had a good time with my mother, but the answer’s obvious.”
She caught herself on the verge of an apology. That had to stop, she reminded herself. “It was wonderful to buy shoes and actually see them when I stood up, and a dress that had a waist in it.”
“I suppose that’s difficult for a woman, losing her figure during pregnancy.”
“I loved every minute of it. The first time I couldn’t hook a pair of slacks I was ecstatic.” She started to go on, then stopped. That was something he would never be a part of, she realized. The first joys and fears, the first movements. Looking down at Michael, she wished with all her heart that he was Gabe’s child in every way. “Still, I’m happy now not to look like an aircraft carrier.”
“It was more like a dirigible.”
“You give the most charming compliments.”
He waited until she shifted Michael to her other breast. There was an urge inside of him to trace his finger there, just above where the baby suckled. It wasn’t sexual, or even romantic, it was more a wondering. Instead, he tucked his hands behind his head.
“I tossed some leftovers together. I’ve no idea if they’re edible.”
Again there was the urge to apologize. Determined, Laura merely smiled. “I’m hungry enough for marginally edible.”
“Good.” Now he did lean forward, but only to trace a fingertip over Michael’s head. “Come on down when he’s settled. After this afternoon, I have a feeling he’ll go out like a light when his belly’s full.”
“I won’t be long.” She waited until she was alone, then closed her eyes, hoping she had the courage to carry out her plans for the rest of the evening.
She hadn’t been just a woman in so long. Laura stood in front of the mirrored wall, fogged now from the steam of her bath. She looked like a woman. Her nightgown was the palest blue, nearly white. She’d chosen it because it had reminded her of the way the snow had looked on the mountains in Colorado. It fell down her body from thin straps and a lacy bodice. She ran her hand down it experimentally. The material was very thin and very soft.
Should she wear her hair up, or wear it down? Did it matter?
What would it be like to be Gabe’s wife … really his wife? She pressed a hand to her stomach, waiting for the nerves to ebb. Memories threatened to surface, and she fought them back. Tonight she would take Amanda’s advice. She would think not of what had been, but of what could be.
She loved him so much, but she didn’t know how to tell him. Words were so difficult, so irrevocable. Worse, she was afraid that he would take her love with the same discomfort and disregard as he did her gratitude. But tonight … she hoped tonight she could begin to show him.
He was stripping off his shirt when she opened the door to the adjoining bedroom. For a moment the light coming from behind her fell over her hair and ran through the thin fabric of her gown. All movement stopped as though it were a play, just as the curtain rose. He felt the heat and the tightening in his stomach.
Then she switched off the bathroom light. He pulled off his shirt.
“I checked on Michael.” Gabe was surprised he could speak at all, but the words sounded normal enough. “He’s sleeping. I thought I might work for an hour or two.”
“Oh.” She caught herself before she could twist her hands together. She was a grown woman. A grown woman should know how to seduce her husband. “I know you lost time this afternoon when I went out.”
“I liked taking care of him.” She was so slim, so beautifully frail, with her milky white skin and that blue-white gown. The angel again, with a fall of blond curls instead of a halo.
“You’re a wonderful father, Gabe.” She took a step toward him. She was already beginning to tremble.
“Michael makes it easy.”
Should she have known it would be so difficult to simply cross a room? “Do I make it hard, to be a husband?”
“No.” He lifted the back of his hand to her cheek. Her eyes were shades upon shades darker than the flow of silk she wore. He drew back, surprised by his own nerves. “You must be tired.”
She bit off a sigh as she turned away. “It’s obvious I’m not very good at this. Since seducing you isn’t working, we’ll try the more practical approach.”
“Is that what you were doing?” He wanted to be amused, but his muscles were tight with tension. “Seducing me?”
“Badly.” Opening her drawer, she drew out a small slip of paper. “This is my doctor’s report. It says that I’m a normal, healthy woman. Would you care to read it?”
&nbs
p; This time his lips twitched. “Covered all the bases, did you?”
“You said you wanted me.” The paper crumpled in her hand. “I thought you meant it.”
He had her arms before she could retreat. Her eyes were dry, but he could see, just by looking, her fractured pride. The burden he already felt grew heavier. What they had was still so tenuous. If he made a mistake it might vanish completely.
“I meant it, Laura, started meaning it from the first day you were with me. It hasn’t been easy, being with you, needing you, and not being able to touch.”
Gingerly she laid a hand on his chest and felt his muscles tighten. “There’s no reason you can’t now.”
He slid his hands up to her shoulders so that his fingers brushed over the thin straps of her gown. If it was a mistake, he had no choice but to make it. “No physical one any longer. When I