When I searched my heart, I no longer found any hatred toward Chase, and the connection growing between us felt so intense and real. I was starting to like him, but could I forgive him for the things he’d done in the past? And, even if I could, there was no guarantee it would work out between us. If it didn’t, I’d be back to square one with Chase, and I had to decide if that was a risk worth taking.
21
Ally
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I admitted as I got into Tessa’s car the next morning. I’d messaged her as soon as I woke up and told her to pick me up for school so we could talk. I’d barely had any sleep, which probably wasn’t helping my troubled thoughts.
“What do you mean?” She turned to me. Her eyebrows lifted as she took me in. “And what are you wearing?”
I glanced down at my jeans and T-shirt. I might have just thrown on the first thing I could find in my dresser, but I saw no problem with my outfit. “My clothes are fine.”
“Ally, you’re wearing your mom jeans,” she groaned. “And you haven’t done your hair or your makeup.”
“I thought messy ponytails were in,” I grumbled.
“I’m pretty sure that doesn’t mean ponytails you’ve slept in,” she replied. She started rifling through her bag before pulling out several items. “Here, brush your hair and put some lip gloss on. It’s the least you can do.”
“All right, all right,” I agreed. It was sometimes easier just to go along with Tessa’s demands rather than to try to fight them. She took fashion very seriously. I was just glad she hadn’t sent me back in the house to change. I’d somehow managed to avoid Chase all morning, and I wasn’t prepared to go back into the house and risk facing him.
“So, what’s up?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking about getting The Three C’s to read Twilight for our next book club,” I said.
Tessa rolled her eyes. “Please don’t tell me that’s the emergency you were talking about…”
“Oh, no, that’s not the emergency.”
She let out a small laugh. “I swear, I never know with you. So, what’s the problem?”
I paused as I tried to find the perfect words to tell her what had happened last night between Chase and me. I had no idea how my best friend was going to react, but I really needed her advice. In the end, I figured the easiest way was to just blurt it out. “I kissed Chase last night!”
“That’s great, Ally!” she exclaimed. “Did your Dad catch you?”
“No. I went to Chase’s room in the middle of the night to talk to him, and the kiss kind of just happened.”
Tessa started to frown. “So, you weren’t trying to get caught when it happened?”
“Hence the emergency meeting,” I replied. I took in a deep breath before I continued. “I think I liked it.”
Tessa smiled. “Well, that’s hardly surprising. Chase is hot, and I’m sure he’s a great kisser.”
It was more than that though. I’d been starting to like him before the kiss, and kissing him had only done more to convince me that there was something between us.
“But now I don’t know if I want to go through with the plan.”
Tessa sat back in her seat and her eyes grew serious as she looked at me. “You don’t want to get him kicked out because he’s a good kisser?”
“I don’t want to kick him out because I think I might like him.”
Tessa sighed, looking slightly disappointed in me. “You can’t let one kiss throw you off your game,” she said. “This guy has been the bane of your existence for years, and are you forgetting what he did to you at the dance?”
“No, I remember.”
“And you’ve seen how he operates,” she continued. “Half the girls in school are in love with him despite the fact he ignores them most of the time. He knows how to manipulate girls.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true or not, but Tessa did have a point. I’d seen how dismissive Chase could be toward girls who liked him. Was that how it would be between us if I gave in to the feelings I was having?
“Ally, he went out of his way to sabotage your first kiss. Even if you did like him, this guy’s not good enough for you. He doesn’t deserve you.”
“He said I jumped to the wrong conclusion about that,” I murmured.
“Well, I’d love to know his explanation because you were devastated for months after that dance. So, what was this misunderstanding?”
“He didn’t say.” My heart deflated as I realized that perhaps my friend was right.
Tessa hesitated before she continued. “Look, I’m not going to tell you what to do about the plan, but just because you’ve had a few nice interactions with the guy, doesn’t mean the rest of the crap he’s done didn’t happen.”
“I know,” I agreed before letting out a breath. “You’re right.”
“You’ve just got to try and think rationally about this,” she said. “Things at your house would be so much worse if you dated for a bit and then he broke your heart.”
I swallowed a thick lump in my throat. I’d already considered what would happen if I allowed myself to have feelings for Chase and it didn’t work out, but her words made it seem more real, and I found myself surprisingly upset. Tessa was painting a picture of a very possible future, and it was starting to concern me. Chase was a master at making me miserable, and I didn’t want to give him the power to do that to me again.
Movement caught the corner of my eye, and I turned as the front door of my house opened and Chase walked out. His jeans and fitted T-shirt were much smarter than the messy outfit I’d thrown on, and he looked fresh, like he hadn’t lost an ounce of sleep. His hair was ruffled, as always, but unlike me he suited the slightly unkempt look. If anything, it made him sexier. He looked in my direction and smiled when he caught sight of me. His expression was filled with warmth, like he was genuinely happy to see me, and I hated that I couldn’t return the affection. Instead, I quickly looked back toward the road.
“So, are you going to go through with the plan?” Tessa asked.
I chewed on my lower lip as I considered my answer. I still needed more time to figure out my emotions, but just how much time would be enough? I felt as though I could agonize over the decision forever and still have no idea what to do. My heart was telling me to abandon the plan, but my mind was firmly telling me to stick with it. Everything Tessa had said about Chase rung true, and I couldn’t ignore her advice just because my heart didn’t like it.
I slowly started to nod as my head won out. “Like you said, I have to think rationally about this. If I don’t go through with the plan now, chances are pretty high that I’ll regret it later. I think I need to do it.”
“It will mean kissing him again,” Tessa said.
“But this time making sure my dad catches us,” I added, but the thought of him seeing us kiss was slightly mortifying. I was going to get in so much trouble, but it would be worse for Chase. Guilt flared in my chest. It was hot and acidic, like a horrible case of reflux. I tried to ignore it, but the heat only intensified.
“What should I do next?” I asked, desperate to get the whole thing over and done with as quickly as possible.
“We’ll need to find another opportunity when your dad will be around,” Tessa said. “How about the football game this Friday night? You can try again.”
I shook my head though. “Shane has a bye this week.”
“Next week then?”
“I need to do this sooner rather than later,” I replied. “Dad will be home all weekend. We need to make it happen.”
Tessa nodded. “We will.”
“But what should I do?”
She paused as she considered the question. “Ask Chase to watch a movie with you,” she said. “Your dad is the only one who ever answers your home phone so I’ll call it during the movie and ask to speak to you. The phone ringing will be your cue to kiss Chase, and when your Dad brings the phone to you, he’ll catch you both.”
; “And you think that will work?”
“I’m sure of it.” Her voice was calm and eased the panic that was starting to bubble in my stomach. She reached out to take my hand and squeezed it tightly. “I think you’re making the right choice.”
I wished I could agree with her. I might have been making the logical choice, but I wasn’t sure it was one my heart agreed with.
* * *
“Ally, you in there?” Chase asked, knocking on my bedroom door.
I snapped to attention at the sound of his voice. It was Thursday night, and I’d somehow managed to avoid being alone with him all week. I kept telling myself it wasn’t intentional and that it was only because I was slammed with homework. But it was nearly the weekend, and I still hadn’t had the opportunity to ask him to watch a movie with me like Tessa suggested.
I swiveled my desk chair as I considered the door. Would it be wrong of me to pretend I wasn’t here?
“Ally?”
Pretend I wasn’t here? What was I thinking? “Yeah, come in,” I called back before I could chicken out.
The door opened, and he hovered in the doorway like he was nervous to enter my room. “Hey,” he said, smiling shyly at me.
“Hey.” I smiled back because I couldn’t help myself. His smiles were rare and beautiful things that were almost impossible not to be affected by—clearly, I was still struggling with keeping my heart out of the picture when it came to Chase.
“Did you need something?” I asked when he’d been standing on the threshold silently for several moments.
He shrugged. “I just wanted to see how you were. You’ve been barricading yourself in here all week.”
“Oh, it’s this damn math test tomorrow,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve been studying for it all week. Shouldn’t you be studying for it too?”
“I finished all the problems during class,” he replied, like that was all that was required to nail the test. There had been a crazy amount of exercises to go through, and our classes just weren’t that long. He had to be lying about completing them all, but I wasn’t going to grill him about it. It was his prerogative if he wanted to bomb the test.
“Do you always study so hard?” he asked.
“I do this year,” I said, pointing toward the calendar on my wall. It was so big it was impossible to miss, and everything was highlighted in different colors. All of my homework was highlighted in green, and the sheer amount of green this month made me feel a little sick when I looked at it as a whole. I had no doubt the rest of the year would look just as daunting if I wanted to keep up at school.
Chase’s eyes widened as he scanned the calendar, and he instinctively stepped forward and entered the room so he could get a better look at it. “You have everything planned in there,” he said.
“Not everything,” I replied. “But all my homework and activities, yeah.”
“I’m surprised you don’t have your shower time jotted in there.”
I blushed, feeling slightly embarrassed about the fact I’d created a shower roster. A couple of years ago and that might have gone on my calendar too, but I was getting slightly better at not needing absolutely everything in my life planned out.
“I just put the important things in there.”
“So, you don’t think showering is important?”
I laughed and shook my head. “Are you trying to annoy me?”
“Maybe,” he said with a sly grin. “Is it working?”
“Definitely.”
He laughed and came to sit at the edge of my desk. His legs brushed up against mine, and his nearness made it hard to remember all the reasons why I wanted him gone. I gripped my leg tightly and tried to think about how he’d broken my heart at the dance all those years ago and how he’d only break it again if I gave him the chance now.
“Have you given any more thought to what I said on Sunday night?”
My skin turned cold at the question as I recalled what I needed to do. Tessa had come up with the plan days ago, but I’d been avoiding putting it into motion. It was probably the reason why I’d been studying so hard. If I avoided Chase, I couldn’t ask him, but now that he was here, it seemed I had no more excuses.
“Yeah, I’ve thought about it,” I murmured.
“And?”
“And I was thinking we should hang out this Saturday.”
“You were?” He seemed nervous and was struggling to hold back a smile.
“I was. I thought maybe we could start small and watch a movie together.” I swallowed and tried to ignore the churning in my stomach, hoping it didn’t show on my face. “What do you think?”
“I think that sounds like something that needs to go on the calendar,” he said, his huge smile finally breaking through. He reached across my desk and grabbed a pen before he stood up and started writing on my calendar. I couldn’t see what he’d written because he was standing in the way, but the mystery didn’t last long when he turned to face me once more.
“What color highlighter do you use for hot date?” he asked.
I wished I could smile at his enthusiasm, but too many nerves were still churning in my gut, and everything about this felt wrong. I silently passed him the pink highlighter, and he tilted his head as he took it.
“What does pink stand for?” he asked.
“Anything that can’t be missed.”
His smile grew larger at my explanation. He highlighted the new entry on the calendar and popped the lid back on the pen before stepping back from my desk. “I guess I better let you get back to your homework, but I’m looking forward to Saturday.”
I nodded, unable to say the same aloud.
Once he left my room, I couldn’t stop staring at my calendar. It was the first time any part of the plan had been set in stone, and looking at it now, I couldn’t feel more uncertain about whether I was doing the right thing. The one thought that brought me some small relief was the fact it would all be over come Saturday.
22
Chase
I found it difficult to concentrate at school on Friday. I had a date on Saturday with Ally Lockwood, and I couldn’t seem to wrap my mind around it. What was even more baffling was the fact I was actually looking forward to it. It was like some kind of twisted joke that the girl I couldn’t stand was also the one who had captured my attention and held it hostage since the start of senior year.
The truth was, Ally had always held part of my attention. Even though we hadn’t gotten along in years, I’d always noticed her more than other girls. I’d seen her laughing in the cafeteria with her friends and constantly tripping over her own feet between classes. I’d watched her when she was getting tutoring in the library with Miles. I hadn’t been able to drag my eyes away when she used to perform her dances in the school talent shows. I’d always told myself that I watched her so closely because I was keeping an eye on my enemy, but I was beginning to realize that it was simply because, when it came to Ally, I couldn’t look away.
I was completely mesmerized by her, and the closer I got to Ally, the more I realized the things I thought I couldn’t stand about her were actually the things I could never do without. I enjoyed the way we butted heads and how she wasn’t afraid to call me out when I was being a jerk. She was like a breath of fresh air compared with all the other girls at school who acted like I could do no wrong. I was far from perfect, and the fact that Ally wasn’t blind to my faults made me feel like she saw the real me.
Shane snapped a finger in front of my face, waking me out of my daze. The sounds of the cafeteria came flooding back into my world, and I glanced at my friend, embarrassed I’d been caught zoning out while thinking about his sister.
“Thanks for joining us,” Shane said with a laugh. “Dude, you’ve been in a daze all lunch.”
“I guess I have a bit on my mind.”
“Like what?”
The truth was that his sister was on my mind, but I didn’t think he’d understand if I told him. Shane was pretty cool, and I doubte
d he’d have a problem with Ally and I dating, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to drop that on him yet. Maybe I would see how things went between Ally and I on Saturday and then decide whether to tell him or not.
“This and that,” I replied vaguely.
“Sounds thrilling.”
I laughed at the sarcasm in Shane’s voice. “It’s really nothing interesting. Just thinking about a text my mom sent me this morning.” It wasn’t a total lie. Mom’s text had been on my mind but not nearly to the extent that Ally had been.
“Oh yeah? What did she say?”
“Just that she can’t wait to see me.” It wasn’t a particularly unusual message to receive, but it got me thinking that I really needed to check when she and Dad were coming home. I hadn’t seen them since I left L.A., and I wasn’t in any hurry for them to come visit. Dad and I rarely saw eye to eye, and living at the Lockwoods’ was a little like being on vacation. It was nice to come home every night and not be concerned about the latest thing I’d done to disappoint him.
“When are they coming to visit?” Shane asked.
“No idea, but it must be sometime soon. Mom said it would be about once a month.”
“So you don’t know?”
“I have a list of their dates somewhere.” I shrugged. I couldn’t have been more different than Ally in that regard. I tended not to plan ahead in life, but she probably would have had their visits printed in block letters and circled on that infamous calendar of hers.
“Have you seen the calendar in your sister’s room?” I asked.
Shane laughed. “Her most prized possession aside from her Kindle? No, can’t say I have.”
I grinned. “It’s a little weird, right?”
“I guess she likes to feel in control of things,” he said. “What were you doing in Ally’s room anyway?”
I Hate You More Page 19