by Bella Jewel
“But it wasn’t your fault, Amalie.”
I stare at her, eyes wide. “I caused the accident.”
“No, honey.” She squeezes my hand. “He did. He pulled the steering wheel. He chose to take that risk. Nobody would have been able to control that car. Nobody. You don’t owe him everything you’ve been giving him. He sounds like he’s manipulating you, and sweet, you’re letting him.”
I shake my head, and my eyes well up. “I took his whole life away from him. I shouldn’t have started that in the car. If I had waited until I got home, the accident would have never happened. I was selfish, I didn’t think, and that cost him his entire life.”
“He’s still alive, honey. He’s still here. You didn’t kill him.”
“I as good as ...”
“No,” she says, cutting me off. “No, Amalie, you’re not thinking right. You’re wrapping yourself up in guilt that isn’t yours to take on. You didn’t create that accident, and you didn’t ruin his life. It was an accident. Accidents happen all the time. It could happen to Maverick and I tomorrow, it could happen to anyone.”
I stare at her, and my bottom lip trembles. Deep down, in the darkest parts that I’ve locked away, I know she’s right. I know it, but it’s like my body is rejecting the idea, the thought, because I can’t bear to face the true reality of the situation. And that is that maybe she’s right, and maybe I’ve been living with this guilt for far too long.
But the second that thought comes into my mind, my mind automatically rejects it.
“It doesn’t matter now,” I tell her, because arguing about whether it was my fault or it wasn’t, isn’t going to take away the fact that it happened. “It happened. Caiden has decided he wants me to suffer for it, and he succeeded.”
“He’ll only succeed if you let him. What he said about you was a lie, Amalie. And the only reason it got printed was because they love a good story about me. If my name wasn’t involved, they wouldn’t have given him a second glance and he knows it.”
“It’ll affect me; people at the shows, fans, they’re all going to read that and nobody will want me playing.”
Scarlett’s face hardens, and she says in a stern voice, “Well, you’ll always be playing with me so they’ll have to get over it, or they’ll have to get over me, too. I won’t allow it. It will die down. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it will and you’ll breathe freely again.”
Scarlett’s head whips around and we see a group of girls approaching us, phones out, squealing happily. She must have heard them calling out to her. She exhales and puts on her best smile, standing and signing her autograph and getting pictures with them. When they’re gone, she comes back and sits by me.
“Let’s get out of here or we’ll never get left alone.”
I nod and stand, but before we start walking, I turn to her. “Scar?”
“Yeah?”
“Malakai hates me.”
She shakes her head. “No, honey, he doesn’t. He’s just ... hurt. He feels let down that you didn’t tell him. He thinks you had someone else. But he will find out the truth, and he’ll come good.”
“I never meant to lie to him,” I admit. “Or any of you. I just ... I was so ashamed.”
Scarlett’s face softens. “Well, I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. We love you, Amalie. All of us. You’re part of this. We’re a family. What you suffer, we suffer. Don’t let that man bring you down anymore, and don’t, under any circumstances, be ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed about.”
“Thank you so much,” I whisper, meeting her eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She beams. “Ditto. We have a show on the weekend for the annual fair, get out there and show them what you’re made of and stuff everyone else. And if that man continues to harass you and tell lies, I’ll deal with him.”
I laugh, so grateful to her in this moment.
“I guess I had better go face the music, but which song do I start with?”
She smiles, and then her eyes grow serious. “Deal with Caiden first. Then Malakai.”
Right.
Two birds.
One stone.
-11-
NOW – AMALIE
“He doesn’t want to see you.”
Caiden’s mother stands at the door, staring at me, eyes icy. I usually shrink away from their scalding stare but decide that for right now, I’m going to hold my ground. For once. I’m tired of being pushed around by this family. Accident or not, that article was a blatant lie and should have never happened. I may have deserved a lot, but I did not deserve that.
And it’s time they stopped.
For good.
“I don’t care if he wants to see me or not,” I tell her, my voice harder than it’s ever been in her presence. “If he doesn’t want me to seek legal advice for the lies he told, then he’ll see me and he will speak to me.”
Her face flashes with a moment of surprise before she says, “There is nothing you can do legally when he simply told the truth.”
“You and I both know that wasn’t the truth. I can take my part in the accident, but I will not be made out to be a cheating, selfish woman. We aren’t together. We haven’t been since the accident. You and I both know this. So does he. I’m doing nothing wrong. He’s the one who wants me out of his life, and yet I’m still here, every damned day, copping his abuse. And yours.”
“Be very careful, Amalie.”
“Let me in, or I’ll contact a lawyer and take matters further. What he published was slander.”
She shakes her head. “Go right ahead, there is no proof that you weren’t together, none whatsoever. He had every right to express his anger, and you owe it to him to take it.”
I’m done.
So done.
I’m tired of being pushed around by these people. For being made to live with guilt every single day of my life. I may never forgive myself for the accident, but that’s my choice to make, and my burden to live with. As for the rest, I do not deserve it. Scarlett was right, Caiden had his part in that accident, too. And deep down, he knows it.
I’m tired of being bullied.
By this family.
By Caiden.
By Treyton.
By my own mother.
No more.
“I owe him nothing,” I snap, raising my voice for the first time. It’s been so long since I’ve done it, it feels foreign to me, but it also feels incredibly good. Freeing even. “He took the wheel that day in the car, he jerked it causing us to go off the road. He knows it. You just don’t because you were happy to let me take all of the blame. I’ve been by his side since, even when he has done nothing but abuse me and treat me unfairly. I’m done with it. I will not live with his lies being slung all over town. I’m a human being, and I too deserve some damned respect!”
I shout the last words, and her face drops, shock registering.
“Now let me in or so help me god I will make sure I release a story about him. I have the means. If he wishes to tell lies, I might as well add my part in. If you do not want that to happen, if you do not want your family’s name ruined, then I suggest you let me the hell in!”
She steps aside.
For a moment, I’m shocked.
So shocked I just stare at her.
But she stays stepped to the side, her eyes are icy, but she knows I’m right. If I wanted to, I could make this blow way out of proportion and I could drag Caiden and his family’s name through the mud. I wouldn’t do that, of course, because I’m not a heartless human being, but she knows I could.
And that’s all she needs.
“You have five minutes. Then I never want to see you around here again.”
I nod sharply. “Believe me, you won’t see me again once I’m done here.”
I step inside the house and walk to Caiden’s quarters, opening the door without knocking. He’s doing some exercise with Penelope. He’s standing, both arms hol
ding a long silver railing, and they’re doing something with his feet and legs. When they hear me come in, both of them stop and look at me. My eyes go straight on his.
He isn’t getting the chance to talk.
Not this time.
“I’ll say this once, and once only. Then you’ll never see me again. I’m giving you a week to retract your story and tell the truth. If you do not, I will release my own version. I assure you, I can fight just as hard and just as strong as you can, Caiden. I’m tired of being pushed around. You can say what you want to the media, to your friends, and to your family, but you and I both know that you know the truth. You know what really happened that day in the car.”
Penelope’s eyes swing back to Caiden, and then back to me.
I continue.
“You know that I didn’t cause that accident. You know you caused that accident by getting angry and grabbing the wheel. I can take my blame, I can take my part, I know I shouldn’t have tried to break up with you in a car, I know I’m half responsible for what happened, but dammit, Caiden, so are you. And you know it. So spin whatever lies make you sleep better at night, I’m done with this entire situation. I’ve spent over a year now coming here every day and being tossed your abuse. I’ve lived with the guilt. And the shame. And my own damned injuries and demons. Nobody has had my back, do you hear me?”
He’s staring at me, eyes wide.
“Nobody has looked out for me, nobody has protected me. I had no one to care for me, or help me back onto my feet. I’m sorry, I say it and I mean it. I will be forever sorry, for the rest of my life, for what happened that night in the car. But I won’t spend the rest of my life drowning in it. We weren’t together after the accident, you know it, I know it, so there was never a need for you to spread such ugly lies about me.”
I take one more deep breath and finish.
“You wanted me out of your life, I can assure you that this is the last time you’ll ever see me. I wish you well, Caiden. I truly do. And as I said, I’ll be forever sorry. I have been waiting for you to forgive me, but you never will, so I’m going to go ahead and forgive myself. Change the story, I beg of you, because I do not deserve it and you know that.”
I look to Penny, and I smile at her. “Take good care of him, Penny. But don’t you ever let him walk all over you.”
Her eyes flash to Caiden, and then back to me.
He’s already walking all over her. I can see it in her face.
“Goodbye, Caiden.”
With that, I turn and walk out.
And I feel like the whole weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
It’s like suddenly, I can breathe again.
~*~*~*~
NOW – AMALIE
I return home, feeling something inside my chest. Something freeing. What I said to Caiden, I meant. I will be forever sorry for what happened in that car, but Scarlett is right, it was on both of us, and I will never move forward with my life if I don’t, at the very least, try to forgive myself. Doing that, means I need to rid myself of anything toxic.
That includes my mother.
I know she loves me, in her own, twisted way, but I also know she is hurting me. Emotionally, she is damaging. I can’t take it anymore. She will always be my mother, but what she needs to understand, is if she can’t be that, then she needs to leave me alone until she figures it out. Her lack of love, it’s breaking me.
I walk into my apartment, because I know she’ll be there.
She’s made herself way too comfortable in the last few weeks, socialising, not wanting to go back to her own home. My father returned to work, but she has yet to leave. It’s time she does. I need my space back, but mostly, I need to get all this pain off my chest. I don’t usually talk much, I don’t say what I feel, but today has taught me that nobody will have your back, so you have to learn to cover yourself.
I’m going to start doing that.
In all areas of my life.
She’s standing in the kitchen, on the phone, when I walk in. She turns and stares at me, and shakes her head. In disappointment? I don’t know. She told Caiden about Malakai, she started this war, so now she can take responsibility for her actions. She’s probably on that phone right now, gossiping about it. I walk past her and down the hall, into the spare bedroom. I pick up her suitcase, I pack her clothes and her bathroom things, and I walk out, putting it on the ground.
Her eyes get wide.
She hangs up the phone.
“What is the meaning of this, Amalie?”
I don’t give her much more of a chance to speak after that, because my voice and my tone is a force to be reckoned with, even she must realise that interrupting me would do her no good.
“I’m going to say what I have to say, and then you’re going to take your things, leave my apartment, and go home.”
I don’t flinch, back down, or soften when I say the next words.
“First of all, you should know I love you. I’ll always love you, because you’re my mother, but you don’t belong here anymore. You don’t belong near me. The thing about bringing a child into this world, is that you’re supposed to love and protect them through everything. You didn’t do that for me. I needed you after that accident, but your social status and your own selfish needs got in the way. You chose that, over your own daughter, who was in agony. Then, you continued to fill me with guilt when you knew, you knew, I was already drowning in it. You didn’t support me, and you didn’t love me like you should have. I deserved that from you, at the very least.”
I take a deep breath. Her face is blank.
“But what’s worse, is allowing that to happen,” I point at the newspaper she was obviously reading. “You told him about Malakai, you fed the weakest parts of him knowing he’d react. You publicly humiliated me. It may not have been directly, but you as good as wrote that article, because you knew exactly what would happen when you ran to him. That is not the actions of a mother that loves her child, or even has respect for her child. You don’t deserve me, not while you’re like this. Daddy loves you, but sometimes I wonder why. Maybe he sees something I don’t, all the same, I am done being treated poorly.”
Her mouth opens to say something, but I raise a hand.
“I’m your daughter, and I have wanted so long to just feel like you love me enough, just as I am. But you don’t. I deserve you to. So, I’m going to start doing what’s best for me. I’m going to turn around now, and walk out. I want you gone when I get back. I said it before, and I meant it, I love you. If you want to be in my life, I hope you take in these words, and you find a way to give me what I need. If not, well, I guess I never ever mattered as much as I should have.”
With that, I turn and walk out of my apartment.
For the first time, I don’t cry.
I don’t break down.
I don’t feel guilt.
I did the right thing. I did what was best for me.
It’s about damned time.
-12-
MALAKAI
Anger.
Rage.
Horror.
I stare at the picture in front of me, of the man that claims he’s Amalie’s boyfriend, a man that claims she caused an accident and ruined his life. A man that is stuck at home, crippled and broken, while she’s out blending with bikers and going on tour. A good three quarters of my body is rebelling against the idea, there is just no way she could be so cold. No way.
I couldn’t have read her that wrong.
She’s so fucking sweet, so fucking pure, how in the hell is it possible that all this time she has been running around behind her boyfriend’s back, leaving him in a carer’s hands while she carries on with her life? It doesn’t seem right, but if it isn’t, then why the fuck didn’t she just say that to me? Why, when I looked her in the eyes, and asked her if it was real, did she not simply say no?
Fucking no.
That’s all she had to say, but she didn’t.
She didn’t bec
ause it’s true.
It’s fucking true.
I put my fucking soul into her, only to find out that she’s a god damned liar.
Fuck.
God dammit.
“Prez,” Maverick says, bursting into my room.
“I’m fuckin’ busy,” I roar. “What the fuck do you want, Maverick?”
He glares at me. “Get it, bro. Believe me when I say I get it. Fuckin’ hurts, like a hot knife to the guts, but I wouldn’t interrupt you if I didn’t think it was important.”
“What is it?” I grate out through clenched teeth.
“Charlie’s gone missin’.”
“What do you mean she’s gone missin’? How can she go missin’? She’s probably looking further into the business for us and hasn’t been seen.”
“She hasn’t been seen for two days, since she was last here. She went back in, we had eyes on her, and then she disappeared. Nobody has seen her come or go to her unit, nothin’. She’s gone.”
“So she did a fuckin’ runner?” I growl, the blood coursing through my veins are making my head feel like it’s going to explode. “I told you that bitch was no good.”
“I don’t think she’s done a runner,” Koda says, walking into the room, clearly having overheard our conversation. “Mason said there were people sniffin’ around her apartment, a bunch of men went in, came out with some shit. Lookin’ for somethin’. Probably evidence of us. If I’m correct, and fuck, I usually am, I’d say our man has got her.”
God. Fuckin’. Dammit. “Trey?”
Maverick and Koda both nod.
“Yeah, Trey. She’s been askin’ questions, obviously the wrong kinds and it must have gotten back to him. He figured it out, and he took her, fuck knows what he’s doin’ to her, but I imagine he’ll send her back as a message to us,” Koda growls. “Probably beaten to a fuckin’ pulp, or worse.”
“We gotta find this fucker, can’t wait any longer,” Maverick growls. “It’s gettin’ dangerous. He’s goin’ to strike and take us all down if we don’t do somethin’ soon.”