by Ella Fields
Immediately, the girls moved closer, and Peggy’s hand came to rest on my back. “I would probably hate it, too.”
Willa nodded. “It’s a baby. It’s innocent, and it’s not his or her fault … but you’re only human.” She patted my hand. “You’re allowed to feel the way you feel.”
Peggy agreed. “I think if you keep suppressing it, it’ll only grow into something too big to tame, and then you might explode.”
They were right, but they were also wrong. There was no way I could say any of this to Lars. Not when he was finally coming around to the idea of becoming a father.
“What did you tell Lars when you said you weren’t going?”
I grimaced at Willa. “I didn’t. I texted him to say I wasn’t feeling well when I was on my way here.” Both girls’ mouths popped open. “I know, I know. Real stellar idea, right?”
Peggy hemmed. “Well …”
Willa waved her hand. “He needs to read between the lines here. It’ll be fine. He has to understand.”
I glanced at Peggy when she scoffed as she applied glue to the back of a picture of Dash with curly fries stuffed up his nostrils. “Yeah, most dudes are not so great at reading between the lines.”
I bit my lips, wanting to laugh and wanting to cry. Inhaling deep through my nose, I held my breath for a beat, then slowly let it out and noticed Willa’s blank page. “We need more details about the new school.”
Willa shrugged. “It’s school. The only differences are the faces and the much less fancy cars in the parking lot.”
Peggy and I kept pushing her for more, but Willa was being tight-lipped. I’d like to say it was odd for her, but it wasn’t. It took her ages to finally confide in us about what was going on with her and Jackson. Which, granted, was understandable.
After the sun had peaked and began slipping lower in the sky, Peony came home with bags of groceries, so Willa and I made our exits, promising to call next week.
I arrived home to an empty house, as predicted, and spent the remainder of the afternoon staring at my phone while trying to get lost in Riverdale and Glenda’s latest book recommendation.
It never buzzed or rang, and though it killed me, I still wanted to know. I wanted to know what they were having. I wanted him to call me, excited to share news that would both shred and elate me.
Switching off the TV, I grabbed my phone, purse, and keys. I had to stop being a coward. Of course, he’d want me to know. He was probably just tied up with work after the appointment.
I parked on the street, fading rays of sunlight glinting off Annika’s Skoda, which was parked next to Glenda’s car in the drive.
The sight halted my feet, as well as the breath trying to vacate my lungs.
Shaking my head, I pressed on and rapped once before opening the door. A game show was playing on the TV, the volume loud enough to cover the sound of my footsteps.
Lars wasn’t in his room, or anywhere else, and neither was Annika. The sliding glass door in the dining area that led outside to their small backyard was open.
I set my things down on the dining table and walked outside, stopping on the small, weed-laden brick patio when I saw Lars in the corner of the yard, leaning over a small fire pit.
My feet carried me closer, my heart a whining song in my ears as I saw the insignia for Brown on an envelope being tossed over the grass by the breeze.
In his hand was a piece of paper, and I watched as he lit the corner, then repeated the process with the rest, the ashes falling into the blackened, rust-stained bowl.
I wanted to ask him what he was doing. I wanted to tell him to stop. But I couldn’t bring myself to say words that would mean nothing to him at that moment.
A moment when he’d evidently made up his mind and was exchanging one future for another.
The sky turned dark, the stars struggling to wink into the gloom as I watched each piece of his acceptance letter burn into nothing.
Finally, with his back to me and his hands in his pockets, he spoke. “I hope you’re feeling better.” The tone of his voice was calm, yet I detected the hint of anger. “It’s a girl.”
Then he moved, staring at me with bloodshot eyes for a stomach-turning second before disappearing inside.
A girl.
Tears lined my vision, and I stood there until my eyes cleared and my chest stopped aching enough to breathe steadily. Until the burning pieces of his future were snuffed out by the wind.
Inside, I shut the door and grabbed my purse and keys from the dining table, then glanced down the hall.
Lars’s bedroom door was shut. Peering down the other side of the hall, I saw the door to the spare room was shut too.
The walls of this house, a home that once felt like more of a comfort than my own, closed in.
I’d suffocated enough for one day, and so even though I knew he needed me, I needed myself more, and I left.
Lars
“A girl, huh?” Jackson said, his hands hanging over the handlebars of his bike.
My own was discarded behind me. Lately, I’d been using it purely as a mode of transportation and had little interest to enjoy it the way I once had.
“Yup,” I said, lighting a blunt.
Dash eyed it, and I knew he wanted one, but he’d been trying to smoke less weed lately. Which probably had something to do with Peggy.
“Congrats, asshole. You’re in for a fuck ton of fun,” he said.
I huffed and gave him the middle finger, then wrapped my arms around my bent knees.
Raven scratched the bridge of his nose. “What are you going to name her?”
“Fuck if I know.” I’d barely thought about that. I was still reeling, trying to stay right side up after seeing her tiny face on the sonogram.
Like a brick to the head, it’d knocked something off kilter inside me, and now everything seemed to be a different color. Sounds were different, louder, and nothing quite tasted the same. I’d made a little human. By accident, sure, but she was real, and she was on her way.
“I got early acceptance to Brown,” I said, unsure why I even bothered to say anything while I sucked back another hit.
Grins and clapping sounded but soon faded when they realized I wasn’t celebrating.
“Wait,” Rave said, blue eyes narrowed. “You’re not going?”
“Evidently.” Dash shook his head and lit a cigarette.
Raven shot him a glare, and I scrubbed at my eye, my head fogging. “What the fuck was I supposed to do? Take the kid with me? Annika too?”
Nothing but silence answered me, and then Jackson sighed. “That’s a big deal, is all. You need to be sure.”
“I have a kid arriving before we’re even done with senior year,” I spat. “I’m as sure as sure can get. Oh, and side note, Annika’s parents kicked her out.”
Dash groaned. “And it begins.”
I withheld from swinging my fist at his jaw. Just. “It’s not her fault.”
“Yeah, sure. Must be cozy, what with Daphne there too.”
“Dash,” Jackson warned.
“What?” he said, standing and throwing his leg over his bike. “Ignoring the hard shit doesn’t make it any less hard.”
He was right. He was an asshole, but he was right. Daphne had known, though. She knew Annika’s parents thought she’d had an abortion, and she could potentially wind up homeless if they found out she didn’t go through with it.
Dash sank into the bowl, and I watched as he skimmed the rim, not really seeing much at all.
“So how long is she staying with you?” Raven asked.
I stubbed out the blunt. “I don’t know. Indefinitely at this stage.”
I left a minute later, needing my own thoughts instead of everyone else’s.
Daphne had lied to me, or maybe she hadn’t. Maybe she’d kept it to herself for reasons I should’ve just asked her about. I wasn’t mad at her. I was a bunch of things I didn’t know how to categorize. Disappointed, maybe. The way she’d bailed out of
the sonogram had squashed me where I’d stood in the waiting room, Annika seated behind me as I paid for the appointment. I’d tucked my phone away and did my best to hide how much her bullshit excuse had affected me when Annika asked if she was still coming.
I knew what was happening had to be hard for her, but I needed her. I’d needed her there, and I didn’t realize just how much until she wasn’t.
Dumping my bike on the grass out front, I almost tripped when I looked up and saw Daphne sitting on the porch steps. I hadn’t even seen her car. That was probably because it was in front of Annika’s out on the street.
“Hi,” I said, soaking in the sight of her in a rich green dress and leather jacket.
After a moment of staring up at me with uncertain eyes, she smiled. “Hi.”
“I don’t know. I always get her the same shit every year.”
Daphne made a disapproving noise, which was fucking cute, and then dragged me into a nearby bookstore. “A fifty-dollar gift card, please.”
My eyes bulged, then grew impossibly wide as Daphne tapped her Amex against the credit card machine. “Daphne, what the hell?” She knew I didn’t like her paying for everything.
“Be quiet. It’s from me too. Besides …” She slipped her card away, flashing a smile as the cashier handed over the gift card, and then tucked it inside one of the bags I’d been saddled with. “You’re buying me lunch.”
I didn’t argue, especially because Daphne picked out a shitload of Chinese for us to share.
Afterward, I did my best not to grumble when she proceeded to haul me through another level of the mall, dipping in and out of the shops.
“I think we’ve got enough,” I told her as she ran her finger around a giant Christmas wreath. “We’ve still got a few weeks until Christmas anyway.”
“Yes, but I don’t like coming here when everyone in town is doing their Christmas shopping. Too crazy—oh, my god.” She darted inside a small boutique, and I didn’t know who was more shocked by what she picked up, me or her. “This is divine.”
I struggled to inhale enough air as she flitted about the store, plucking up a dress with cherries all over it, then one with blue whales, and a tiny floral jumpsuit.
She’d avoided most baby talk with me since Annika had moved in, and especially since she’d caught me burning my college acceptance letter. I still hadn’t told Mom about that.
I was sure it’d crush her more than it’d crushed me, and I needed to wait until I was at a point when I could handle that and when she could better handle that too.
As it was, Denham hadn’t been to our place since Annika had moved in, and instead, Mom would go to him, though I knew it was infrequent due to her work hours. She was working more, and it killed me.
Part of me wondered if I should drop out of school and work full time at the garage or someplace else. The smarter part of me said to wait it out. After the baby arrived, I’d only have a few months left until we graduated. I could hang in there. No matter how sleep deprived I was or how shitty my finals would be.
“Daph.” I joined her in the back of the store, laughing as she kept grabbing item after item, her smile growing bigger by the second. “Stop, that’s enough.”
Her smile fell as she looked up at me, and I damn near started crying at the hurt that swam in her eyes. I’d done this. I’d inadvertently put her in this fucked-up place we called love, all because I couldn’t stand to let her go.
And I wouldn’t. Ever.
Gently, I plucked the clothes from her and swallowed as I looked down at them, trying to imagine an infant wearing them. My baby girl. “I just don’t want you spending too much money. You’ve already gone nuts.”
“I want to,” she said, her voice quiet. “Please.”
I felt my brows knit and stepped closer, peering down into her face. “Don’t break my heart, Cotton. I’m …” I shook my head. “I want you to be a part of this. I want you alongside me for every step, every single day. I mean that, so don’t do this.”
“Do what?” she asked, blinking.
“Don’t sit on the outside, too afraid to join in.”
Her gaze dropped to the clothes, her fingers gliding over the material. “I don’t want to overstep.”
“Where’s the girl who told me to piss off a hundred times before she even so much as looked at me? The girl who does and says whatever she wants, when she feels like it?” Daphne’s eyes glistened, her ponytail shifting over her shoulder as she shook her head slightly.
“Overstep, Daphne. I need you to overstep.” My lips whispered over her ear, and my voice was hoarse when I said, “I need you.”
She nodded, and I pulled her to me, the bags I’d been carrying dropping to the floor as I inhaled her hair and rubbed her back. “I love you.”
“Forever,” she said.
I let her pay for the clothes and forced myself to wait outside the shop to keep from vomiting at the price.
In the center of the walkway, outside a pharmacy, sat an Escalade. I wasn’t much of a fan, but I crept closer to take a look for the hell of it.
“Two dollars for a ticket,” a woman said behind me. “You can buy up to five per person, and all proceeds go to our Magic House Foundation.”
“No,” I started to say, then Daphne bumped into me.
“Whoa, we’ll take five.”
Daphne
“Those things are rigged, you know that.”
I ignored Lars and finished sorting through the bags in the trunk. “Then at least the money has gone to a good cause. Here.” I handed him the bag with the baby clothes. “She’s not here yet, so there’s no point in wrapping them for Christmas. We can show Annika.” I shut the trunk and turned to find Lars smiling down at me. “What?”
“Kiss me.”
I grinned and lifted to my toes, grabbing those angular cheeks as I gently pressed my lips to his soft, plush ones. “Gladly.”
He went to drop the bag, but I patted his chest and skirted around him. “Later, let’s go.”
“What’s the hurry?” he asked, following me.
“I’ve got a Christmas dinner thing with my parents.”
He opened the door for me. “What does that involve?”
“Mainly just sitting around, watching my dad and his colleagues get hammered. I’d invite you, but you don’t need to be subjected to that.”
Lars kicked at a pair of shoes in the entryway. A pair of Annika’s heels. “You can’t skip?”
“Not with this. Every year, all families need to be in attendance.”
He set the bag on the dining table, and I started plucking the clothes out, spreading them over the surface as I imagined a tiny baby girl wearing them.
Lars shoved the fridge closed after grabbing a bottled water, and I watched his throat ripple as he drained half of it before offering it to me.
I was suddenly parched, so I took it but then almost spat the water out when I heard, “What are those?”
Lars looked as though he didn’t know whether to laugh or frown, and so he did this odd mix of both. “What? Baby clothes?”
Annika appeared at the table, her hands covering her beach ball-sized stomach.
Glancing up, I saw her face was growing a dark shade of red, her eyes glassy.
“Is there something wrong?” I asked, then gentled my tone. “We can exchange them for others if you don’t like them.” Lars told me I should overstep, but that was with him. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that meant Annika would be okay with my input or presence, but I didn’t think she’d be upset over some clothes. Extremely adorable clothes, at that.
“Something wrong?” she repeated, a wet laugh escaping as her eyes flitted from me to Lars, questions for him jumping from her narrowed gaze. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how the more she lived here, regardless of how little time they actually spent together, the more she knew him, and he knew her. “Lars, I haven’t had a chance to buy anything yet.”
I glared at her stomach, then at h
er face, a bunch of heated retorts begging to be set free. She was seven months pregnant, for Christ’s sake. How was I supposed to know she hadn’t bought a damn thing by this stage?
Lars scrubbed his hands over his face. “Annika, she’s trying to help.”
“Help?” Annika spat, gesturing to the outfits. “I would never dress our baby in … in this ridiculous shit anyway.”
Lars dropped his hands, his jaw gritting.
I sighed and began folding the clothes. “I’m not sorry because I was only trying to help, and I was excited.” I pressed the receipt to the top of the pile, then pushed the clothes toward her. “Exchange them, and you’re welcome.”
Lars followed me as I went to his room and slumped down onto his bed, massaging my temples. “Is it hormones, or has she always been this much of a bitch?”
“Bit of both, I’d say.” Though he didn’t sound like he cared which it was. “She shouldn’t have done that, Cotton. I’m sorry.”
I let him take my hands and pull me to stand. “You don’t need to apologize.”
“I do,” he said. “I never want you to feel bad when it’s the last thing you should feel.” With his hands cupping my face, he dropped his forehead to mine. “Thank you.”
“For what?” I whispered.
“For not biting her head off when she gave you every reason to.” With that, he kissed my cheeks and my forehead, then exited the room to enter Annika’s.
The sound of her crying muffled a minute later, and I chewed my nails as I paced Lars’s room, wondering what he was saying to placate her, and why I was even still here.
No, I knew why I was still here.
I was just frustrated that I had to keep reminding myself why.
The leaves disappeared as we moved into January, and I worried about Lars riding his bike to school and work all the time. Yeah, he’d been doing it long before I entered his life, but it was one thing not to know and another to know and be able to do something about it.
I quit worrying when school returned after the new year, and he began arriving and leaving with Annika.