by Ella Fields
But no matter how many times I did, it never hurt any less.
Midafternoon, after Glenda had woken and taken a shower, she took Lily from me with a grateful smile, and I got out of there before her son woke up.
I made it all the way to my garage before I let the war end.
Lars
A drum was being murdered inside my skull.
With a slew of curses flying from my mouth, I sat up, the world spinning as I tried to piece together where I was and what I’d been doing.
The nightstand came into view, and I blinked at the sleek silver laptop atop it, staring at it as I took the stale glass of water from beside it and drained the contents.
I knew whose it was, and I thumped the glass back down next to it before rubbing my hands over my face, trying to clear the fog clouding my mind.
As I gazed at Lily’s crib, pieces of the night before gradually came back to me in a blur. I remembered the drugs, the drinks, and the fresh as fuck eighteen-year-old Russian who’d made it her mission to get me inside her all night.
I hadn’t. I hadn’t planned to do much of anything with her other than enjoy her mouth around my cock. Which I had. Twice.
But then the chance to return the favor presented itself in the back seat of a little Merc. I’d taken it, and I couldn’t say I regretted it. It wasn’t like Daphne had been celibate since we’d split, and she certainly hadn’t been when we were together.
And now she knew how it felt. At least a sliver of it. A calculated strike right through the beating pulse of the heart.
Feeling like I’d rolled in filth, I showered for the second time that day but felt no better for it. I entered the living room and saw Lily tucked against Mom’s side, sucking on a breadstick while Mom read her book.
“Cereal for dinner,” she said without even a glimpse at me as I took a seat in the recliner.
My head still swam in muck as I tried to focus on the TV. “Where’s Daphne?”
She turned the page. “Went home about an hour or so ago.”
I nodded, then stopped and winced, closing my eyes as I slouched back into the couch. “I’m surprised she stayed.” I hadn’t meant to say the thought aloud, but there it was, coasting in the tense air between us.
“Oh?” Mom asked, her tone too light. “And why would that be?”
I licked my teeth, thinking I should brush them for the third time, then opened my eyes. “Never you mind. What time do you start tonight?”
“Nine.”
I quirked a brow. “Are you pissed at me?” I’d been high exactly twice since Lily was born, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been drunk like that. Yeah, so I’d been an asshole about it. She couldn’t exactly blame me when the reason for wanting to had reared her beautiful, traitorous head.
Time stretched, and Lily’s head flopped against Mom’s side, her eyes fluttering. “Did you ever wonder if you were lucky enough to win that car, or if perhaps something else might’ve happened?”
My muddied vision suddenly cleared, and I straightened. “Something else?”
Mom sighed, shutting her book. “Think about it, Lars. For once, put that ego and useless pride aside and use your fucking brain.” Getting up, she dumped her book on the coffee table, then set Lily on my lap. “You know, the very thing that earned you a spot into a school prestigious enough to find someone like Daphne Morris in the first place.”
My hands wrapped around Lily, who threw herself at me as if she’d only just realized I was here, and slapped at my cheeks.
Unsure of what to make of her words, if I should try to even make something of them at all, I just stared at the spot where Mom had been sitting and blinked repeatedly.
Then, in my room with Lily on my lap, I stared at the password box on Daphne’s laptop, wondering if my curiosity was worth it. I decided it was and entered Daphne followed by her birthday.
When that failed, I bit my lip, then typed without much thought, Forever and Ever.
It opened to a word doc, and I squinted at what looked to be a paper on some French artist from the eighteen hundreds. After a little searching, I pulled up a class schedule and read the top. Edmond Ross.
Edmond fucking Ross.
Closing the laptop, I dumped it on the nightstand as Lily tugged at my hair.
I barely felt the sting.
Barely felt my lungs expand as I failed to take my next breath.
I’d wondered. Now I knew. She really hadn’t gone to New York, and what I probably should’ve opened my eyes to before now was that she hadn’t really gone any-fucking-where.
And after what Mom had said, I was beginning to think it was because she couldn’t.
As I’d lain awake that night, guilt trapping and smothering for the way I’d ditched my kid for some stupid revenge kick, I held Lily in my arms as she slept, analyzing, trying to piece all the broken clues together.
The next morning, I called Boyd after dropping Lily at daycare, telling him that something urgent had come up and I’d be in after lunch.
He was fine with it, being that I’d taken one sick day since I’d started working there full time. Which was when Lily came down with a fever that’d kept me in urgent care half the night, and awake and worrying for the rest.
Edmond Ross was an eclectic mix of wood and brick, the gardens a stark green mixture of shrubs, trees, and hedges that lined the pathways weaving between the old and new buildings. As far as colleges go, this one was the best in the area, but it was still a far cry from the places Daphne had planned to attend.
After wandering around aimlessly for over thirty minutes, I resigned myself to the fact that I’d have to wait. Seated on a small bench outside the dormitories, I sent her a text saying I was here and I had her laptop.
In a black T-shirt that hugged her hips, tits, the slender curve of her shoulders, and a pair of high-waisted black jeans, Daphne used the path as a runway, her flat black boots gliding over the ground. “You came all the way here to deliver my computer?” She plucked it from the seat beside me, skeptical. “What are you really doing here?”
I looked at all the students passing by, feeling like a piece of lint stuck to an expensive piece of clothing in my coveralls and work boots.
Then, finally, I forced myself to stand and meet her eyes as she tightened her ponytail, the laptop between her legs. “Did you buy that car?” I hadn’t meant for my tone to be so low, so cold and accusing, but she didn’t seem to care.
Daphne’s lips tipped, their red paint just begging to be licked clean, and she tucked her computer to her chest. “What car?”
A silent laugh left me, and I stepped closer, so close she had to crane her neck back to maintain eye contact. “Don’t play coy, Cotton.”
Her eyes widened at the nickname, but she said nothing.
Frustrated and feeling like someone had hauled me from a two-week stay in a grave, I growled, “Did you or did you not buy that fucking car, Daphne?”
She staggered back, her chest heaving as she exhaled out, “Yes.” She shrugged. “I did, okay? And I’m not fucking sorry.”
I grabbed her elbow when she turned to go, my heart roaring.
“You,” I said, feeling my nostrils flare and my head shake, unable to speak. “You … fuck.”
She pulled her arm from my grip. “Where’s Lily?”
“Daycare.” I couldn’t catch enough oxygen. “Tell me,” I said. “Tell me why.”
Her brows dipped and so did those long lashes. “Why?” A resigned laugh. “What’s the point?”
People continued to pass us as our eyes remained locked and our chests continued to rise and fall way too fast.
When it looked as though we were among the last out of a class, I voiced the rest of my fears. “You’re here, at this school, because of it, aren’t you?” She only stared, and desperate, I hollered, “Aren’t you?”
“I like it here,” she said, moving close. “What I don’t like? That would be you showing up here, dredging up shit
that no longer matters.” She sniffed and blew out a rough sound of annoyance. “Go back to your life, Lars. The one you’ve made abundantly clear I’m unwelcome in.”
“I sold it,” I said, at a loss for what else to say. “I sold the car, and I’ve got the money. I’ll give it back.”
Her eyes gleamed. “If you give it back, I’ll donate it to charity or put it away in a trust for Lily. Please,” she said, her voice cracking. “Please don’t even try to do that. Don’t diminish what I did for you, all I wanted for you, by doing that.”
I swallowed, felt rocks lining my throat, threading my voice as I tried to talk. “Daph—”
“Just go. Go back to your life and leave me to mine.” Peering down at the ground, she stepped backward. “I won’t keep interfering, okay? It’s not worth it.”
“You don’t mean that,” I said, but I’d said it too late for she was already gone.
Daphne
“You didn’t do it for me. I know that.” I cut my steak in half, then one-half into another half. “But I need to tell you why she hit me.” It’d been eating at me for weeks on end that he didn’t know the full story. That he might not know any version of the torrid story.
Dad raised a hand, taking a sip of water. “There’s no need.”
“What?” I almost choked. “Why?”
He grimaced, then wiped at his mouth with his hand. “Your mother told me about you and Ellis in one of her usual fits last week when she came by work to harass me some more.”
I winced. “Wait,” I said, my cutlery hanging suspended between my tense digits. “How did she even know?”
“Supposedly, she tried to leave Ellis’s agency, thinking it would make me reconsider the divorce.” He leveled me with his next words. “So he told her everything. How you two had never really taken it too far, but he knew it’d still gone too far without, um”—he cleared his throat—“contact.”
A part of me was glad he didn’t seem to know about Ellis being Lars’s dad. While the rest of me was busy swimming in embarrassment while my father cut into his steak with a little too much vigor.
“Right,” I said, then emptied my glass of water.
“We all do stupid shit when we’re teenagers. No one is immune, Daph.” He offered a smile, spearing some salad on his fork with his knife. “You have no interest in this man, correct?”
I shook my head. “No, no way.” I paused, thinking honesty was my best bet. “I did, though. Some time ago.”
Dad watched me eat for a minute, then nodded, and I knew he appreciated that I’d been open about that much at least.
A phone rang, mine, which was apparent after it stopped. Dad’s would’ve kept on ringing if it were the hospital.
“Whatever happened to that boy who used to come over?” He tapped his cheek with the prongs of his fork, thinking. “Lars? He was having a baby, wasn’t he?”
It’d been a month since he’d shown up at my school. I’d been inundated with coursework and helping Dad deal with Mom these past few weekends as she made a song and dance while removing the last of her things from the house.
I had no plans to stay out of their lives completely. There was no way I could do that. Not after that tiny girl had stolen something I didn’t think anyone else could steal. It would be better if I did, I knew that, but a little time to rid the residual afterburn of all that Lars had said and done was what I’d needed for now.
Dad was just trying to broach the subject with tact. He knew Lars had stayed behind, and that he was indeed a single dad. News like that didn’t stay bottled up in places like Magnolia Cove.
“He’s doing well. Getting his trade at the garage in town.” I set my knife and fork down when I heard my phone beep with a text. “I saw them last month.”
Dad’s brows jumped at hearing that. “Yeah? How old is the baby?”
“She’d be about eight months now, I’m guessing.” And I missed her. I missed being afraid every time she pooped, wondering if it would be the time I messed up and got some on me or my clothes. I missed not knowing if I was feeding her enough food. I missed trying to decipher her cries, knowing each one meant something different. I missed the things I didn’t even think I’d miss.
I excused myself and went to check my phone.
Took you long enough: Hey, I need a favor. If you’re willing.
I was tempted not to respond. He wouldn’t ask me if he wasn’t desperate, though.
Me: Lily?
Took you long enough: Yeah, I have to work tomorrow, and Mom’s been called in for an extra shift. They’re short on staff this week thanks to the flu. Could you watch her? I can bring her to you?
Me: What time do you need me there?
Took you long enough: A little before six. I know that’s early as fuck.
Me: I’ll be there.
I locked my phone before I could read his reply and returned to the dining room to finish my dinner.
Lars was out the door within seconds of me arriving, words he wanted to say stilling the air between us in the doorway.
I didn’t look at him, and merely said, “Go. I’ve got her.”
I felt his eyes on me as I went inside but shut the door to block them and keep the cool air out.
I was lying on my back on the spare bed, Lily sitting on my stomach as I held her arms and played peek-a-boo with her own hands when I heard him arrive home.
Lars poked his head in a minute later, smiling at Lily when she wiggled my hands around, giggling as she tried to get me to keep playing. “Hi.”
I tore my eyes off his stained white shirt and gave them back to Lily. “I’ll wait if you want to shower before I go.”
“Actually, I was hoping you might want—”
“I have plans,” I said. I didn’t, and when our gazes locked, he knew that, but he didn’t push.
“Right. Sure.”
Quickly, I changed Lily on the couch while he showered, then carried her outside with me to toss her soiled goods in the trash. “It’s cold outside, baby,” I sang.
Lily cooed, yanking at my hair. I doubted I’d get used to that. It stung each time, but I let her be until we got back inside, then gently pried her hands off. “Claws in, missy.”
I set her on the floor, then washed my hands as she flopped forward and did her usual rocking dance. She still wasn’t crawling, but she had the slide shift thing down pat.
As I dried my hands, watching her with a heart so warm it could’ve combusted, I wondered what Annika was doing at this very moment. I wondered if she missed her daughter, or if she was too happy with her new life to want to unearth the one she’d left behind.
“Where’s my girl?” Lars asked, looking around the kitchen.
Lily laughed, flopping to her butt as she clapped her hands.
“Where is she?” He pretended to look under the dining table, and she laughed harder, a belly laugh that would make anyone smile.
Lars mock-gasped. “There she is!” He scooped her up as she practically choked on her joy, and Lars blew raspberries into her neck.
My eyes dropped to his plaid black and red pajama pants, then I forced them away.
I rehung the towel and circled around them to grab my purse. “Okay, well I’ll see you some other time, sweet girl.” I wanted to kiss her goodbye, but I couldn’t deal with standing that close to him for too long, so I brushed my hand over her head before moving to the front of the house.
“Hey,” Lars called. I turned, waiting as his dark eyes flitted over my face and his body shifted side to side. Sincere and rough, he said, “Thank you.”
I had a feeling he was thanking me for more than watching Lily, but I didn’t want to delve into waters that deep right now, or ever, if I could help it.
So I nodded and closed the door behind me.
Lars
Thanksgiving arrived before I even knew it was November.
And with it came some of my friends.
“I didn’t know it was a plate, shithead,” Dash told Rav
en. “They said toss the frisbee back, and I was so drunk I didn’t even know what day it was.”
Raven was doubled over, retelling how it’d smacked into some jock’s head. He’d needed eight stitches and had missed out on playing the following night.
“The whole team hates Dash now.”
“Like I fucking care,” Dash said, making googly eyes at Lily, who was standing between us, holding onto the couch as she shook her butt to a song on the TV.
She was crawling now, finally, and as soon as it happened, I’d sent Daphne a video. She’d responded with a million heart eyes emojis, and said she missed her. But when I’d sent another text, asking how she was, she stopped responding.
I scratched my chin. “What did Peggy say about all this?”
Dash snorted. “She died. Pretended she didn’t know me for five whole days.”
Raven smacked his thigh. “She’d bolt anytime Dash tried to talk to her in public, given one of the team members girlfriends had taken a liking to her.”
Dash’s jaw clenched. “Where’s the loyalty?” He glared at Lily. “Don’t be like Peggy when you grow up.”
Lily’s bottom lip wobbled, and Dash cursed. “Fuck, no, no. Don’t cry.”
Raven was all-out laughing.
I sighed, picking up my girl and letting her stand on my lap. “Don’t scare my kid, Dashiell.”
“Call me Dashiell again, and next time I come by, I’ll do so wearing a ski mask and holding an ax.”
I chuckled at that, and hearing it, Lily moved her head back, watching me before she poked my mouth. Gently, I nipped her finger, growling, and she giggled.
“That works on grown chicks too.” I glared at Dash, and he shrugged. “Just saying.”
“Dudes as well,” Raven supplied.