by Rita Hestand
"I am…" She sighed, she could not hold back, she needed to talk to someone about it. "My white husband took me to have a child. He was not interested in relations itself, he only wanted a child. It was like clockwork. I did not have his child and I think really disappointed him. When we were married a year, he brought two more wives to live with us." She explained. "And I think the real reason he married them is to have children only."
"Two more wives?" Chosen One listened quietly, but her brow rose once more at this news. "I did not know the white man could have more than one wife?"
"It is hard to understand, Chosen One, but only Mormon's married more than one woman, and it's actually against the law. But John didn't tell everyone he was Mormon, including me, until we'd been married a year."
"I cannot believe it. You poor little thing. I had no idea. That is strange to me, a white man having more than one wife. He did not tell you the truth from the beginning?"
"No. And it was a shock to me. I'm not sure I ever forgave him for that lie. I knew he was a little different when we met, but I never suspicioned it was his religion that made him so. I did not like having to share him with two other women that I didn't even know. So, I quit having relations with him after the first year of marriage."
"Did this upset him?"
"He was angry with me about it, but he didn’t say much. He just sort of ignored me after that. John was never a violent man. He had an even temper, but I always knew when he was angry."
"That is no way to live with a man. How long were you married to this man?"
"Three years. And I guess I still am by white man's law. I know it was my wifely duty, but I could not let him bed me with two other women in the house, doing the same thing. I did not mind giving up having relations with him. I found nothing in the relations part of our marriage."
"No, I would not either." Chosen One frowned.
After a while Naomi went on. "Red Elk told me first thing he wanted a son. It was like John all over again. It seems all men want of me is children. I do not seem to matter. I do not want another marriage to be the same way. I do not want to share him with Painted Dove. I know he cares for her. It would be like repeating my life, going in circles not getting anywhere. And yet, I told him if he wanted her, he could have her. Since all he wanted with me was a companion."
"What did he say?"
"He said he didn't want her. But I'm not sure if he knows what he wants."
"Painted Dove, that one, she is what the white man calls a whore…."
"I didn't want to call her that, but I've come to the same conclusion."
"Do you love Red Elk?" She asked.
"I'm not sure. I don't think I've known him long enough to know. I know he's an honest man. I like that. I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I think he's very handsome. But, to tell the truth, I do not know. I fear he only wants a son and will cast me out if I don't give him one. But if I don’t, Painted Dove might come back to him. I'm afraid to let myself feel anything for him as like John, he'll replace me with someone else. I seem to be very replaceable." She hung her head.
Chosen One stared for a moment, a frown on her face.
"Although I can see why you would think such a thing. Red Elk is not… what you call this religion, Mormon. He is a good and a fair man. If he tells you something, you can be sure it is truth. That much I know of him. That is what Big Hand sees in him. It is why they have been friends so many years. Big Hand does his best to make others in the tribe respect Red Elk, as he is responsible for the peace we share with the soldiers of the fort. Some are not grateful. Some want war, but peace is better. With peace we can live normal lives, enjoy living, not fear. The only ones we fight with are the Mexicans who come across the border to steal and rape. And some other tribes try to steal our horses too."
"Chosen One, I like Red Elk…a lot. I really do. He's interesting to talk to. He makes me laugh, I so enjoy that, and sometimes I like looking at him. Don't tell him, but do you enjoy looking at Big Hand?"
"Very much, and I do it often." She smiled.
She admitted. "Maybe I like it too much. Much more than I ever expected to. But I realize I may be here a long time. And he married me, so I am his wife. I want to be a good wife. He's Christian and so am I. We have more in common than I expected too. But his relationship with Painted Dove has lasted a long time. And I don't know for sure how he really feels about her. He says he's not in love with her, but sometimes people don't know their own hearts. I don't want to be hurt again. So, by not giving into my emotions, I'm safer."
"Safer, perhaps but not happier!" Chosen One told her.
"Yes… I guess you are right. I think we just need more time to straighten our true feelings out."
"Then take the time to do so, because Red Elk is worth it. He is a good man."
"I agree he is. And I will, thank you."
Chosen One smiled. "I am glad you said this. Now I know he has chosen well. I see you are one that thinks things through and I like that about you. If Painted Dove had a chance, she would destroy your marriage. Not because she loves him, but because she is jealous. Comanche women are very jealous women. She does not love, she wants. But Red Elk is a Christian man and he would not love two women at the same time."
"I think you are right about that. But Chosen One, I do not think he loves me." Naomi told her.
"You think he loves her?" Chosen One asked.
"He kissed her on the forehead." Naomi told her.
"Not on the lips?"
"No… "
"He is a kind man, he would not shame her in any way. He thought she would bear him a son. She did not. He did not love her. But by taking her, he owed her something, his respect. She wanted relations with him. He merely wanted a son. She did not produce a son, he did not want any more relations with her. He knows in his heart what she is, and he will not give in to her. He has what you call good morals. You see unlike many of the others of our tribe; Red Elk is a breed and he cannot pick and choose like the others. Painted Dove wanted him for sex. He wanted a child. It benefited them both to have sex. But Red Elk seeks a good woman to love him. Do you know he taught us all how to kiss, and it is very enjoyable?"
"Yes, he told me, I was shocked. I thought everyone kissed."
"A white whore from the fort taught him, and to make love. You would think that would make all the maidens want him, but it didn't."
"I find it hard to believe that all the women don't want him anyway. Would he have married Painted Dove, if she had his child?"
"Probably… " Chosen One saw the dismay on Naomi's face. "Only because she would be the mother. Their relationship was physical, not emotional."
"I am glad she did not give him a son. But she is here, all the time, and she moons over his wickiup, like she's waiting for his favor."
"Yes, but I do not think he would allow her back. He knows what she is. He knows her punishment for sleeping around is banishment. She is Comanche anyway. She should go back to her own people. I suppose it sounds selfish to say that he only wanted to have a son by her. But Red Elk has been unable to find a woman he loves, and a son he could love easily. Red Elk seeks love."
"I think we all seek it, but some never find it. Even though he has chosen to be a happy person, he seeks a family of his own. I cannot fault him for that. You know what I like about him most?"
"What?"
"His sense of humor." She smiled. "I have never met a man who can smile and laugh so easily. John rarely smiled at all. I don't think he was a very happy man."
"There is more to you and Red Elk than a baby. Even I can see this. But it is your decision whether you allow him into your heart or not." Chosen One told her.
"What would you do? It is a gamble and I am shy of gambles right now."
"It would depend on what I felt here," she pointed to her heart. "When the heart is full of love, then the marriage is good. You have not known him long. But there is something between the two of you even now, I can see and feel that."
/> "Yes, we are companions."
"Is that what he wants from you now?"
"Yes."
"Then be a good one. He works hard, and he is a good and honest man. Be his companion, until you do know how you feel. Time will tell, but never step aside for Painted Dove, she is not worthy of his love." Chosen One told her. "She would be his destruction."
"I'll try to remember that." She told her and went home.
As she went back to her wickiup she was proud of her basket and couldn't wait to show him.
Funny, but the wickiup had become her home and she was comfortable here. She made a venison stew with cornbread and put the basket close to the fire, so he would see it when he came home.
She'd done many small things like this for John, but he never seemed to appreciate it. Sometimes he hadn't even noticed. He said it was material things and he didn’t need them. It made her feel bad that she could not please him.
She had to quit comparing her white life to her Indian one. It wasn't fair to Red Elk to do so.
But now that she was alone, she thought about all that Chosen One had said, and tried to understand exactly what it was she felt for Red Elk. He had been good to her. He had married her, so she would not feel ashamed, but did love play into her life now? Was it possible to have a good and loving marriage with Red Elk? If she were honest with herself, that was what she sought all along with a man, love, and a good marriage.
And there was certainly a lot of physical attraction going on. Every day, she saw more and more she liked about Red Elk. But she couldn't tell him. It wouldn't be right to blurt out such things. Would it?
This time, she had to be sure of her feelings. For she had thought herself in love with John, and he had disappointed her. She had worked with him, given everything he asked of her. And yet, it had not been enough. John had not been a happy man, and sometimes she blamed herself for that.
Perhaps after taking Painted Dove, Red Elk would not find her pleasing either. Perhaps she wasn't a good wife to anyone. Naomi had heard others talk of painted women in town who enjoyed being bedded by men. Some women even sent their men into town for their pleasures as they wanted no part of it. But was it so bad?
With John it wasn't bad, it was simply nothing!
She had heard her sisters talk of romance and love so much she became a dreamer, wondering if she'd ever find the elusive thing called love.
When Red Elk returned that evening, he was smiling. She was glad, she enjoyed it when he was in a good mood.
"So, how has your day been?" He asked as he ate the stew and sipped his water. He dipped her cornbread in his stew and nodded with a smile. "It is very good."
"Good, I went to see Chosen One. I made something for you."
"For me?" His look of surprise delighted her.
"Yes," she brought the basket to him.
"Aw, a basket, it is very nice. Did you make it yourself?" He turned it around and admired it.
"Yes, and I need to work at it harder as I'm not half as good as she is, but I wanted you to see my first attempt. It is yours."
"I will treasure it." He stared at it a long time. His hands went over it, slowly, just like hers had when she finished it. "You like Chosen One?"
"Yes, she is very easy to talk to." Naomi told him.
"She is a good woman. I am glad you have a friend." He told her.
He stretched and rolled his shoulders. "Are you in pain?" she asked.
"Just the strain of riding so long and caring a bear for nearly a mile. He spooked my horse and it ran off. " he told her. "I killed him on the way in and lifting him was something. Either the black bear is growing larger or I am growing weaker."
She snickered. "Then let me make you feel better."
He stared at her. She smiled.
She came up behind him and sat down, she straddled her legs beside his and lifted his shirt away. "Relax." She wasn't sure how she got the nerve to lift his shirt, but once she did, she stared for a long moment at it. It was so silky tan looking, almost beautiful, unmarred by anything but the sun. "This is called a massage." She whispered near his ear. Their closeness made her heartbeats quicken. Then she began massaging his back, working her hands all along his backside, feeling the tension in him and kneading it away. Her fingers glided over his back, and the sensations it created made her very aware of her handsome husband. Still, she had to concentrate and not forget why she was doing it. She'd never touched a naked back of a man before, but she couldn't think that way. She was helping him.
He groaned, "That feels good." He sighed. "Where did you learn such a thing?"
"My mother, when my father came in from a day of splitting wood, she would do this, and I would watch his face relax and enjoy it. It made him so happy and it made her happy to do it for him. Mama said little things like this made life livable between two people."
"You mother was very wise… " he sighed. His hand rested on her legs now and his touch was so gentle. Her dress had ridden up, but she couldn't help it, she had to straddle him, and he was facing the other way, anyway. But she didn’t remark about his touching her there. It was just good that he relaxed.
It dawned on her that she was much more relaxed with Red Elk and the touching was nothing to worry over.
"Does this please you?" she asked softly at his ear.
"Very much so."
"Lie down on your stomach," she told him. He did as she asked.
She straddled him and sat on his lower back as she rubbed his back. She leaned close to him and the temptation to kiss him there struck her from out of nowhere. His back was so tan, so smooth, and she'd never had such an urge. But she refrained. She couldn't do that, so her fingers slid over his sleek back and she massaged his muscles until she could feel him relaxing. He sighed more than once.
He felt so good, he went to sleep. She stared at him for a long while as he slept. Red Elk was very handsome, and it seemed each day he became more so. She admitted to herself that being close to him felt right. Doing what she did for him made her feel good too. She finally went to sleep beside him. She wondered what it might be like to lay in his arms all night long. To have a man like Red Elk love her, was only a dream to her. As far as she knew no man had ever loved her except her father. Even John had not touched her when he slept. But something propelled her curiosity. What would it be like to be in his arms every night, close, and protected? She'd probably never know. But the thought sent a strange thrill through her entire body. Oddly enough, she never had these kinds of thoughts with John.
John had told her long ago that the desires of the flesh was wrong, but many things he had told her, she disregarded. Marriage was a holy union, she knew that, and it deserved respect, but pleasure should surround a marriage, she thought, at least some pleasures. Her mother and father were very close. He kissed her a lot and there was much affection in her family. Shouldn't it be that way with any marriage?
Remembering what her mother had told her, she reasoned that marriage had some very enjoyable moments, of course her mother hadn't actually told her what they were. But she knew her mother was very happy with her father.
When Red Elk woke the next morning, he saw her sleeping and sat beside her, staring at her.
She popped an eye open, "What are you staring at?"
"You, thank you for last night." He told her, his voice soft and mellow, she so enjoyed his voice. How could a person enjoy someone voice so much? It was almost like music, soft and lulling.
"You seemed to need it." She smiled comfortably. "You looked very tired when you came in."
"I was. But I didn't expect anything as nice as that." He told her. "I don't remember anyone ever doing anything like that for me. It felt very good."
She got up, "My father always said he'd never trade my mother in for another woman, as she had magic in her hands."
Their eyes met for a moment, it stirred her. She blushed and moved away.
She got busy fixing breakfast and had the coffee on.
"I brought you something… " he told her as he came up behind her.
"Me?" she turned to look at him.
He handed her a small package.
She stared at it, then she took it and opened it. She hadn't had a present since a child. She ripped it open and found a small black box. She opened it. What she saw shocked her. She stood there staring at it as tears came into her eyes. It was a gold band, a wedding band.
Her tears blinded her now. Words wouldn't come at first.
She licked her lips and stared, "It-It's a wedding band." She said breathlessly.
"Yes, you are white, and you are married to me, and I noticed you didn't have one from your white husband."
"Uh… no. He never bought me one," she told him.
"You said it was important that it meant something to you?" He saw the tears in her eyes and he crooked his head.
She shook her head and kept staring at it. He took the ring from the small box and took her hand and slid it on her finger, it fit perfectly as though made for her. "I believe it goes like, 'With this ring, I thee wed.' Am I right?"
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, "Yes," she cried.
"You will wear it for me?" he asked staring into her tear stained eyes.
She nodded and turned away, crying.
He grabbed her and looked at her comically. "I did not buy it to make you cry!"
She looked up into his face, as the tears rolled down her cheeks. "It's so beautiful. But how could you pay for such a thing?" she murmured staring at the gold on her finger.
"It cost five bear skins. But I wished you to have it."
"Five?" she gasped. "Bear skins? My word, you killed five bears for me?"
"For you," he nodded.
She sighed then looked at him.
"Will you wear it for me?"
She nodded, then looked him in the eye, "Yes, I will wear it. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever had. I do not know how to thank you." She tiptoed to kiss his cheek, but he turned his head and took her lips in a real kiss that made her giddy. When he raised his head he smiled again, "I am glad you are pleased."
He started to walk off.
"D-Did you go to the fort, just for this?" she asked.