by Harold Wall
her standing there in the kitchen, I knew that nothing I did would prepare me for the sight of her.
She was exquisite. Her brown hair was piled on top of her head in a loose bun, and escaped tendrils hung down her neck, curling ever so slightly at the ends. She was dressed in a
pair of jogging bottoms she must have borrowed from either Nyala or Daphne, and a purple tank top. Her tanned skin seemed to glow, and she looked like a goddess. It didn't matter that she'd probably just rolled out of bed, she was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen walking the earth.
And for a second, watching her was enough. It didn't matter if she never forgave me, or if she never wanted to talk to me again, just being in the presence of her was enough.
I could tell the exact moment she noticed I was standing there. Her entire body froze for an instant before she turned her bottomless blue eyes on me, those eyes that I could
drown in. A mixture of emotions played across her face, changing so fast that I couldn't place my finger on any one. But I knew that not all of those emotions could be negative.
Before I even realised I was moving, I was halfway across the room and I'd captured the love of my life in my arms, holding on as if I was never letting go. Her warmth radiated
into me, pumping life through my veins.
My face landed in her silky soft hair, breathing her in. I was so enraptured in her, in the feel of her, in her scent, that it took me a moment before I realised she was hugging me
back. Her face was burrowed in my chest, her arms wrapped around me just as tightly as mine were wrapped around her.
Elation filled me at the knowledge that she wasn't shutting me out; she wasn't looking at me like I was some sort of monster. I didn't fool myself into thinking everything would be
okay, but it was a start.
The moment didn't last anywhere near long enough. Before long I felt her arms unwind themselves from around me, and every single muscle in my body strained, unable to let her
go. Her small hands pressed gently against my chest, pushing me softly away. Despite the unbearable pain it caused me to do so, I instantly withdrew my arms, freeing her. The
last thing I wanted to do was make her uncomfortable in any way.
The moment she was no longer pressed against me, it felt as if a part of me had been ripped away. It was worse than when I'd left her in Briar Creek, back then being apart from
Mare was like a constant ache, all consuming, but bearable. There had been a part of me that felt like it was empty or missing all together, but no matter what, I knew that
eventually I'd be whole again.
This was different. This was like my heart was be clawed out, torn away at the seams so that every last thread had been hacked away. This was the kind of pain that would leave
you dying on the floor. The gaping hole in my chest had never felt so empty. I'd never felt so alone.
MaryLynette took a step back, and although it was only small, it felt like an entire chasm had opened up between us. I was standing on the edge of it, my toes hanging over it,
about to fall at any moment. About to fall into the black nothingness. But I'd take the blackness; I'd choose it without any hesitation if it meant being just an inch closer to her.
"We need to talk," she said quietly, looking down, unable to meet my eye. I swallowed, nodding my head solemnly. Those words never meant anything good. My tongue felt thick in my mouth, my throat turning to sandpaper, so that I couldn't speak even if I wanted to. I followed in silence as MaryLynette took a breath and lead us down the hallway I'd been
watching constantly since I'd first arrived. She opened the door to a small bedroom, and entered, me following close behind her.
The flowers were still in my hand, so I handed them over to her, hoping she'd appreciate the gesture. She took them soundlessly, bringing them up to her nose and inhaling deeply.
I never understood why people sniffed flowers. They all smelt the same didn't they, like plant. A small smile played at the corners of MaryLynette's lips as she gazed at the
flowers, but it gone before it could manifest into anything more.
I glanced around as she closed the door, shutting us off from any prying ears. The room contained two twin beds, one of them neatly made and the other a tangle of sheets and
covers. A pile of clothes was dumped at the end of the messy bed, and I recognised the scent on them as MaryLynette's. I also recognised the slight tinge of blood, rusty smelling,
like it had been left sitting for a while. Instantly I was filled with concern. What the hell had happened?
"How are you?" I asked quietly, scared that if I spoke too loud I'd scare her away. "Okay, I guess," she replied, her voice monotone as she went over to the bed and sat on it crosslegged,
placing the flowers gently next to her. Never once did she lift her eyes, even now they remained glued to her hands, which rested loosely in her lap.
"Good," I breathed for lack of a better word.
A few painful seconds of silence smothered us. I wanted to break that silence with all my heart, but I didn't know for the life of me what I could say. 'Sorry' seemed too weak,
'sorry' didn't make up for what I'd done. There wasn't a word in existence that could portray the remorse, the regret, the guilt I felt at what I had done. But I couldn't just say
nothing.
"I never meant to hurt you," I spoke eventually, casting my eyes down towards the wooden floor. I didn't deserve to look at her with such a weak apology. "I only ever wanted you
to be safe."
"I know," she replied, again her voice lacking any real emotion. My eyes lifted to look at her, only to find that she still refused to look at me. Her fingers delicately picked at the
duvet she was sitting on, almost as if she was trying to give herself something to look at. Anything to avoid my gaze.
I didn't know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to survive it if she turned those beautiful blue eyes on me only for them to be filled with
distrust.
"I know that nothing I say can fix what happened, and I wouldn't blame you if you hated me." I wasn't even met with an answer this time. Mare gave no indication that she'd even
heard what I'd said even though I knew that she had. She just continued to pluck away at the bedding.
"I was wrong, I can see that now. I never should have gone against you're wishes. I'm sorry." I took a gulp of air, feeling the backs of my eyes beginning to burn. The feeling wasn't
one I experienced often, but it seemed that MaryLynette pulled out a sensitive side of me.
"I'm sorry for choosing you're safety over you're happiness. I'm sorry that I screwed this up, and that I'm such a shitty soul mate. I'm sorry that you should've had a Prince
Charming, who could've given you the perfect life where you could be both safe and happy, but instead you got stuck with me. I'm sorry that I'm not enough, because I know you
deserve so much better. But I'm not sorry for loving you, or for wanting to keep you safe, or for caring about you so much that I can't even picture a life without you." My voice had
become almost strained as if I was pulling the words from deep inside of me, deep enough that it took all my energy to pull them free.
Still, I was met with silence.
"Please say something," I whispered.
For a long while there was utter noiselessness. Everything was completely still, all my nerves standing on end, as I waited for her to speak.
"What do you want me to say, Ash?" She said finally, still not looking up, but her fingers had stilled, curling gently into fists. "Do you want me to tell you that I forgive you, that
everything is going to be okay? I know that you're sorry, but that doesn't change anything. You still ripped me away from my entire family, and I don't know how we go back from
that."
"We'll find a way," I said, taking a slow step forward. "I don't k
now how, but we'll make it work, I'll make it up to you."
"But I don't want you to make it up to me, Ash!" She burst out, finally snapping her head up to stare at me. Her eyes were wild like a storm, swirling with emotions that were too
powerful to give a name to you.
For a second I was so fascinated and lost in the depth of that storm raging inside of her that I didn't fully process what she'd just said. But once I did, I stumbled back like she'd just
punched me in the gut. That's what it felt like.
"Whwhat?" I stuttered for lack of a more sophisticated response. She just looked at me, a sorrow on her face that aged her beyond her years. I noticed for the first time that a red
tinge spread out over her entire eyeballs, like they were bloodshot. I was still too stunned to really register that fact though.
"But I love you," I started, my thoughts coming to me slowly as if they had to wade through thick mud to reach my mouth. "We're soul mates, I have to make it up to you. I love
you." It was the only thing I could think to say. Perhaps if I said it enough times, by magic everything would be fixed, or this situation would become clearer.
"I love you too," she said, and I could tell that she meant it. Somehow that only made things worse. "I just don't trust you. How can I?"
"I know," I said, a new wave of regret washing over me. How could I have been so stupid as to wreck everything I'd worked for? For six months I'd travelled the country trying to
prove myself to MaryLynette, and in a single night I'd ruined it all.
"You have every right to not trust me right now, if I were you I wouldn't trust me either. Please, just let me try to gain that trust back. I promise you, I will never jeopardise that
trust again. I promise. Give me another chance and I'll prove it to you."
"That's the thing," she said, a quiet confidence hiding beneath her words, battling against the tears that I could see brimming. "I don't think I have any more chances left to give."
"No," I almost shouted, rushing over to her and falling onto my knees. "You don't mean that. You have to know that through everything I have always protected you. I would never
let your life become endangered. Believe that I will do everything in my power to make things right." I pulled her hands into mine, and she let me, looking down at me from her
position on the bed.
"I never doubted that I can trust you with my life, Ash," she said, a small, sad smile turning up the corners of her lips. "I just can't trust you with my heart." She gave my hands a
gentle squeeze and I wondered how this situation had flipped so dramatically. I should be the one comforting her, not the other way around.
"Sometimes," she began, "life isn't just about surviving. You're a vampire, Ash; you have the luxury of living forever. You can afford to be careful, to take time to make things safe
and easy. Some of us don't have that luxury. In the grand scheme of things, humans just don't live that long. We can't afford to hold back. Life should be about living, not hiding."
My heart constricted as she talked of the short time she, as a human, had on this earth. I was all too aware that one day she would die and I would be left to live out eternity alone.
"I do understand that," I pleaded, holding her hands in mine more tightly. "I swear that I will never take the opportunity to live your life as you please away from you again."
She let out a laugh, but the lack of humour in it made me shiver. It was like a full stop at the end of a sentence, and that worried me more than anything in the world right now.
"You're just telling me what I want to hear."
"I'm not," I argued. "I mean every word."
"You always mean it though, Ash. You mean it until something comes up and you don't anymore. We've been through this before."
"I followed through last time, didn't I?" I asked, almost begging. "I told you I'd change, that I'd right my wrongs, and I did. I fixed things."
She smiled again, lifting a hand to caress my cheek. Her touch was as light as a feather, gently brushing against my skin. "You did," she said, a single tear leaking out of the corner
of her eye. "And I'm so, so proud of you. But this isn't something that can be fixed. You knew how much I rejected the idea of the safe house, you heard my reasons for needing to
stay, and yet you sent me anyway. Even after everything I told you, you sent me anyway. I don't think I can forget that. And I don't think I can be with someone who can so
blatantly disrespect my wishes."
"I'm sorry. Please, just listen to what you're saying." She ploughed on anyway, as if I'd never interrupted.
"I love you, Ash, but I have to think about what's best for me and my family. I know that you keep saying that you'll never take my choices away again, but I just can't take that
risk. There's no guarantee that Circle Daybreak can stop this apocalypse, so I can't waste a single second of the time I have left."
"We'll stop the apocalypse. We already have three of the four wild powers, everything is going to plan."
"That's not the point, Ash," she sighed, her tone laced with frustration. "You betrayed me, and at some point I have to draw a line. So this is it, this my line."
I gulped, leaning back on my heels. All I could think about was how much I wished she'd just shout at me, scream at me till her face goes blue, to kick me in the shin. That I could
handle, that I could move past. But this calm, this control she was showing, I couldn't handle it. How could I fight her when she sounded so reasonable?
"So what are you saying?" I asked, regretting the words as soon as they spilled out of my mouth. It was like pulling the anchor from the shore.
Perhaps I'd known before that. Perhaps I'd known from the second I'd laid eyes on him my beautiful, golden soul mate that we were just never meant to be. He'd fooled me
though, he'd tricked me into thinking he could change, that maybe he could be everything I needed him to be. For a while I'd believed that against all the odds we'd make it work. I
guess I should've known better.
"Mare, Mare, Mare," he whispered, drawing my name out as if he could savour the taste. Ash placed his hand gently against my cheek, that hand that could kill any number of
different creatures, but could also be so delicate. I found myself leaning into it, never wanting to lose this connection between us.
It was stupid. I was the one who was ending things, but I still couldn't find it within myself to let go.
Ash opened his mouth, pausing a second before closing it again. It was probably just as well. There was nothing he could say to change my mind; I was set on my decision. He had
to know that he couldn't just walk all over me whenever it pleased him. At least that was the reason I told myself as to why I felt such relief when he argued no further. In truth, I
could feel my resolve wavering, my heart screaming at me to take it back, to take everything back, and I wasn't sure I could refuse his pleas of redemption another time.
"MaryLynette," he breathed at last. "I'm so sorry for letting you down." His eyes were a watery gold colour, a pale comparison to the usual fire that shone there. His face, the face
that I loved more than anything else in the world, the face that I wanted to kiss and see smile, was so, so sad. I scrunched my eyes closed, unable to bear the fact that I had
caused such sadness.
I could feel him get up, his warm hand vanishing from my cheek, leaving it cold and abandoned. The sound of his feet padding towards the door echoed through my head, the sound
of him leaving me.
It took everything in me to keep myself seated firmly on the bed and not run after him. I physically had to bite tongue to stop it from screaming out, from shouting 'I forgive you';
we'd both know it was a lie anyway. I didn't forgive him, not because I didn't want to, but because I just couldn't.
I knew it was for the best, and I would be
lying if I said that the blonde witch's words from last night hadn't played a role in my final decision. She'd told me that I'd eventually burn myself out and take everyone around me down with me. I wasn't sure whether it was selfish or heroic to want Ash to be safe from me, to want him to survive me.
So instead I listened as the door shut behind him and his footsteps faded down the corridor until my ears were no longer strong enough to pick up the steady sound. If only I were a
vampire.
I sat in silence for another couple of moments, straining my ears to try and hear if Ash was telling the others about what had happened. I wouldn't care if he did, in fact I'd be
grateful not to have to be the one to break it to the others that Ash and I as a couple were over. We can still be friends, I told myself, but the words rang false. Ash and I could
never just be friends.
Absentminded I picked up the daisies Ash had bought me. They were beautiful. Daisies had always been my father's favourite flowers. When my mom was really sick, and she was
nearing the end of her time, I remember that my dad would always bring her a bouquet of white daisies every time he left the house; even if it was just to pop out for some milk.
She'd always smile and gush over how much she loved them, even though I knew for a fact that she preferred lilies.
When she died, my dad stopped bringing back the daisies. I understood why, there was no one to give them to after all, so what would be the point? But I still missed the sight of
them. It was almost as if the memory of my mother was withering and falling apart along with the very last daisy on the windowsill.
One day, a couple of months after my dad had met Claudette, and mom was but a distant memory, I was really mad at him. Mad at him because I felt as if he cared for his new
girlfriend more than he cared for us, and because I felt that if he had really loved mom he wouldn't have been able to care for another woman ever again. So I got up early and
snuck out before dad or Mark woke up, I don't know what I had originally planned to do, maybe run away, or just make my dad worried enough for him to remember that I still