Worth Waiting For

by Burrows, Jax

  Everything inside him screamed, “No!” but he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. She needed professional help, but the hospital were discharging her. He wondered if he could persuade the head of the psychiatric unit to admit her for longer-term care.

  ‘Is there nowhere else you can go? I live in a one-bedroom flat here in the hospital. Standard doctor’s accommodation. I can’t look after you properly as I work long hours. Helen, you’d be better with people who can care for you. Like your parents, aren’t they worried?’

  ‘I’m not going back to London, Casey. I belong here, with you. Isn’t that what you want too? You said you loved me once.’

  ‘Like I said, there are rules about the doctor’s residences, they don’t like us to have people staying as it disturbs the other residents.’

  ‘What about your house? The one near your parents? When are you moving in?’

  ‘How do you know about that?’ Casey hadn’t told anyone except Lexi and his family that he had bought a house.

  ‘I saw you when the furniture was being moved in. It is your house, isn’t it?’ Helen smiled as if she knew secrets about him.

  ‘Have you been following me?’ She’d been stalking him it was the only explanation.

  ‘No of course not. I was simply walking in that area and I spotted you. I was going to say hello, but you looked busy, so I left. Is there something wrong?’

  Yes, there was something extremely wrong. Casey had a bad feeling about Helen. She might be suffering from a psychosis as her version of reality was different to his. If he told her she couldn’t stay, she’d probably turn up on his doorstep anyway and that would be a lot worse.

  ‘Okay, you can stay for a few nights until you get a place of your own, okay?’

  ‘I knew you’d say yes. Thank you Casey. Everything’s going to be fine now, you’ll see.’

  Somehow Casey doubted that very much.

  *

  Casey was forced to expedite the move into his house. He wanted to wait until Lexi agreed to move in with him and then the three of them could go shopping for furniture and things for the home together, just like a proper family. Now that Helen had moved in, that would have to wait. He had bought beds, the kitchen was fully fitted so all he needed was a sofa, television and a table and chairs. The rest would have to wait. He had lived in sparser accommodation when he was a student, but he knew Helen would be used to better things.

  He collected her from the ward and escorted her to his car, hoping that he wouldn’t bump into Lexi. Fortune was on his side because he didn’t see any of the staff he worked with.

  Helen seemed happier. She smiled and chatted away about inconsequential things, then, when they arrived at the house, she exclaimed at everything, declaring it a perfect family home.

  ‘Yes, well, that is the reason I chose it.’

  ‘Oh, poor Casey, I am so sorry about the baby, I know how desperately you want to be a father. If there was any way I could change history-’

  ‘I am a father.’ He had to tell her sometime, now was as good a time as any.

  Helen spun around in the middle of the half-empty lounge and stared at him. ‘What? What do you mean?’ The happy, light-hearted attitude had gone, and she looked angry.

  ‘I was going to tell you about my daughter. Sit down, Helen. Do you want tea or coffee?’

  She shook her head and perched on the edge of the sofa. ‘What do you mean? You haven’t got children. Have you been lying to me all this time?’

  Helen was starting to get agitated, so Casey explained about Jade. She listened intently, shaking her head occasionally as if she didn’t want to accept what he was saying. She looked away from him as if she couldn’t bear to look him in the eye.

  ‘Helen? Are you okay? Do you want to go and lie down for a while?’

  ‘Jade. That’s an unusual name for a child.’

  ‘She has green eyes like mine.’

  Helen was rocking slightly, and Casey was growing concerned. ‘Have you taken your medication?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Right, then I think you should.’ He went into the kitchen and filled a glass with water, then picked up the bottle of tablets and brought them back into the lounge. ‘Here. Then you need to have a lie down, okay?’

  She took her tablets obediently then sat back on the sofa with her arms crossed. ‘What are our plans for the weekend, Casey? Shall we go shopping? Christmas shopping?’ Helen now seemed happier, animated almost, but Casey was about to burst her bubble.

  ‘I’ve already made plans for the weekend. I’m taking Lexi and Jade Christmas shopping. I’m sorry, but we made plans a while ago. Maybe you could use the weekend to find yourself somewhere to live.’

  ‘But… I’ve only just arrived. I was hoping we could be together, like in the old days. You remember how good it was? Casey, I want us to give it another try. I know I messed up with the abortion, but I am truly sorry. You must know how sorry I am. I’ve never stopped loving you and I know you still love me, so it would be stupid to ignore our feelings. We’re good together, aren’t we?’

  Casey felt his spirits getting lower and lower as Helen pleaded with him. He should never have brought her here, for he realised with a cold certainty that it wouldn’t be easy to get rid of her. She was incapable of facing facts and whatever he said she would ignore. He had to try.

  ‘Helen, we did have something special but that’s in the past. I’ve moved on, made a new life for myself. Jade is my priority now. And Lexi.’

  ‘Do you love this woman? Even though it was just a one-night stand? It was just sex, Casey, not a relationship. It wasn’t as if you wanted to see her again. Four years later you find out she deceived you by not telling you about the baby. I can’t believe you love her.’

  ‘Well I do.’ As he said it, he realised how true it was. He loved Lexi and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and not just because she was Jade’s mother. He now knew that she was the only woman he would ever love unconditionally, as his parents loved each other. As he wanted her to love him.

  ‘So, where are you taking them?’ Helen seemed calmer. Maybe the meds were kicking in.

  ‘Just to the town centre. Jade wants to see Santa.’

  ‘Nice.’ Casey listened for a note of bitterness in her voice, but she just sounded indifferent. The way she used to sound when he suggested she join in with his family on one of their get-togethers. She had never fitted in with the O’Connors because she had never made the effort. Family had meant little to her.

  ‘I think I’ll go and lie down now; I’m feeling a bit tired.’

  ‘Good idea. And when you wake, I’ll make us a meal. Do you have any preference?’

  ‘I’ll leave it up to you. I know you remember the things I like.’

  He did. And he remembered so much more, not all of it good. The thing he would never forget, though, was the pain of knowing she had been pregnant and hadn’t bothered to tell him.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Lexi was exhausted. She’d had a strenuous week in A&E with a constant stream of patients through Minors with insignificant or fabricated illnesses; things they could easily have gone to their GP with or treated themselves. One patient came in because he had a verruca. Lexi patiently wrote down the name of a topical application that could be bought from the local chemist and sent the patient on his way.

  All day there was a background of sirens as the serious cases were rushed into Resus. Raj was team leader for some of the week and Casey for the rest. Lexi wished she could join them. She didn’t feel she was stretched enough in Minors and had too much time to think while she was cleaning cuts and applying bandages. She found herself listening to the patients with only half her mind on what they were saying. The other half seemed permanently fixed on Casey.

  The day of the pantomime had been such a lovely day. For the first time she felt that they were a real family unit, out for a day of family fun. Casey had been so sweet last Saturday, telling her tha
t he wanted to win her love and that he wouldn’t give up. It made her question why she was hesitating to move in with him. But deep down, she knew the real reason, because he had yet to tell her he loved her.

  When they arrived back at the cottage, he had carried the sleeping Jade inside and put her to bed. She wondered if he would stay the night, but he didn’t suggest it. Instead he told her he wanted to take Jade to see Santa and asked her to help him with his Christmas shopping the following Saturday.

  So, here they were, in Casey’s car, driving around Leytonsfield Town Centre, trying to find somewhere to park. Casey was keeping remarkably cool in the circumstances. Men weren’t supposed to like shopping, were they? He was exhibiting just as much excitement and enthusiasm as Jade. Although he wasn’t jiggling up and down in his seat like his daughter was. Lexi kept asking her if she needed the toilet, she was wriggling so much.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ he’d told Jade when she asked him if he was going to buy her Christmas presents, ‘your Daddy’s got his credit cards all ready. Just let me know what you want, sweetie.’

  Lexi sensed that she and Casey were going to clash over their daughter’s Christmas. She had always tried to keep the expense down to a minimum; mainly because she’d never been able to afford to do anything else. She’d tried to instil in Jade a sense of the magic of Christmas rather than the commerciality of the event. She’d had carols playing on the radio, they went on walks into the local woodlands to cut holly and mistletoe to decorate the cottage, they made mince pies and Christmas cake together, attended the Christingle service at the local church and Lexi encouraged Jade to be happy with a few special presents that she could treasure.

  This year, she just knew that Casey would want to celebrate Christmas with his daughter by throwing money around and buying her everything she asked for, thereby spoiling her rotten.

  She remembered, with a large dose of guilt, that this was Casey and Jade’s first Christmas together, and the two of them adored each other. They’d formed a bond that was so strong, nothing would ever be able to break it. Lexi certainly didn’t want to do that.

  Yes, Christmas was going to be different this year.

  One thing that wouldn’t change was Christmas day itself. That was sacrosanct. Herself, Jade, Jess and Craig spent Christmas day together, as they had every day since Jade was born. It was tradition, because they were family, the four of them, not having any other.

  If Casey wanted to spend time with Jade, he could visit Christmas day night, or Boxing Day, when he could have her all day if he so wished. Of course, there was no “if” about it, the whole O’Connor clan would be desperate to have Jade for the whole of Christmas and New Year too probably. Well, they couldn’t, that was all there was to it. Jade was her daughter and she would say how and where she spent Christmas.

  ‘Wow, Jade, will you look at that?’ Casey’s voice interrupted her thoughts as they wandered towards the town centre, having found a parking space in one of the side streets.

  Market Street, a pedestrianized thoroughfare that ran through the length of the main shopping area of the town, had been transformed into a world designed to tantalise the senses. Small wooden cabins, looking like an advert for Swiss chocolate, lined the street, one after the other, stretching right to the town square. Each one was decorated with fake snow and white lights hung from the roofs like icicles. The smell of food wafted over their heads, and colourful lights twinkled everywhere.

  Each cabin was an Aladdin’s cave of delights, containing a myriad assortment of products. You didn’t know where to look first, and Jade ran from one to the other, shouting, ‘Daddy, look!’ and ‘Mummy, come and look at this!’

  They looked and admired whatever it was that had caught their little daughter’s attention.

  ‘So, what’s the order of play today?’ asked Casey.

  ‘Well, we have to fit lunch in somewhere between shopping for Christmas presents and a visit to Santa.’

  ‘Looks as if there’s plenty of places to eat around here. Jade and I are going to need some time alone to choose your Christmas presents, so you’ll have to make yourself scarce at some point.’

  Lexi’s stomach dropped as something occurred to her. Something she hadn’t thought of before. She couldn’t afford to buy presents for all Casey’s family.

  ‘Listen, I don’t think we should buy each other anything, just the kids. That’s what Jess and I do, we just buy something for the children.’

  ‘I’m not Jess.’ His expression was serious as his gaze swept over her face. ‘I want to buy you something, Lexi, and I want to buy Jade something to give to you as well. Something special. That’s what Christmas is all about, isn’t it? It’s a time to buy people things they’d never think to get for themselves.’

  Great start. Casey’s definition of Christmas is the complete opposite to hers.

  ‘Is that what Christmas is all about? And here’s me thinking it’s about peace on Earth and goodwill to all men.’

  ‘Ha, ha, very funny.’

  ‘That wasn’t a joke, Casey-’

  ‘Mummy, Daddy, come on!’ Jade grabbed each of her parents by the hand and tried to drag them along the pavement where they had stopped to argue. This was Jade’s day and they needed to keep the bickering down if they didn’t want to spoil it for their daughter.

  After they had looked at every single cabin and Jade had declared that none of the things they sold were on her Christmas list and asked how Santa would find all the things she wanted, Casey decided to look for the toy shop he remembered from his childhood.

  ‘But how, Daddy?’ asked Jade, not willing to give up until she’d received a satisfactory answer.

  ‘Santa doesn’t buy the toys, darling, he makes them in his workshop in the North Pole.’

  ‘All of them?’ Jade’s eyes grew wide with amazement at the thought of all the toys he must have to make. Lexi’s heart turned over at the look on her face and the wonderment in her voice.

  She wanted to say, “This is what Christmas is about, Casey, the magic of it all, seen through the eyes of a child.” But she said nothing.

  Casey, however, was in full flow. ‘Yes, Santa’s a very busy man, which is why he relies on all the mummies and daddies to help him with some of the presents that are on your list.’

  And what about the children who don’t have mummies and daddies? Casey must have read her mind, for he shot her a slightly embarrassed look and shrugged.

  ‘Oh, but I’ve got a separate mummy and daddy list,’ said Jade importantly.

  ‘Have you, darling?’ Casey looked at Lexi and she nearly burst out laughing at the expression on his face. She should take pity on him, after all, he was new to all this, but she was having too much fun watching him tie himself in knots.

  ‘Santa can bring me all the presents on his list, and you can get me all the presents on the mummy and daddy list.’ Jade grinned as if she had, single-handedly, solved an extremely complex puzzle.

  Lexi took pity on Casey and said, ‘Jade, honey, you won’t be able to have everything on your lists, you know, because you have put a lot of things on them and we did say, didn’t we, that you could just choose a few from each. Do you remember?’

  ‘No.’ Jade frowned, and Lexi sensed her gearing up for a tantrum, the last thing she wanted to happen in the middle of Market Street on a Saturday, surrounded by Christmas shoppers, but she was giving Jade boundaries and teaching her to appreciate the things people gave her. Even Santa.

  Jade had an ally in her father, however, and she’d learned already how to twist him around her little finger.

  ‘Daddy, that’s not fair. I want everything on my lists.’

  ‘Look, there it is – Jeffersons. It’s still there. Come on guys!’ Casey, excited that he’d found the toyshop of his childhood, started striding off. Neither of the female contingent of the shopping expedition followed him.

  ‘Daddy!’ screamed Jade, causing people to turn and stare. A few harassed mothers smiled at
Lexi in sympathy. Casey stopped, turned back and looked at them both in bewilderment.

  Okay, hotshot, let’s see how you handle this.

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Your daughter wants absolutely everything on both her Christmas lists, and I was just trying to explain that-’

  Casey returned and swept Jade up in his arms and lifted her high in the air where she gasped then giggled in delight.

  ‘You, my little princess, can have anything you want. Just say the word and it’s yours.’

  What? No. ‘Casey – that’s not helpful.’

  He was already striding away with Jade, still giggling. She had no choice but to trudge after him. This was the last time, the very last time, she would ever go shopping with Casey O’Connor. The man had no idea of moderation. All the good work she’d been trying to do with Jade, all her motherly wisdom and advice, was going to be totally ignored now as Jade would know exactly how to get whatever she wanted. Her authority over her daughter was slowly unravelling along with her patience. And she had absolutely no idea what to do about it.

  *

  Jeffersons turned out to be a high-class toy shop with hand-made puppets, soft toys and dolls. It stocked the latest games as well as some from the past that sent Casey into paroxysms of nostalgic glee.

  ‘I remember playing that with Riordan,’ he said turning over a complicated board game and examining it closely, ‘and I sometimes beat him. Well, okay, not that often. My brother is a nerd with a photographic memory, what chance did I have?’

  ‘Daddy, I want a bike,’ said Jade who had found a pink two-wheeler with ribbons hanging off the handlebars.

  ‘Okay, sweetie, we’ll ask them to deliver it.’

  Lexi was horrified. ‘You don’t even know how much it costs.’

  Casey grinned. ‘Sod the price. I want her to have everything she wants this year. If everyone in my family bought her a couple of items on her list, we’ll have everything covered.’