“Eddie,” I said, eyebrow lifted as I opened the door. “I would think that you of all people, would let me get my rest. Did you not drag me over the coals about the bags under my eyes not even two days ago?”
“But you look so pretty now,” he said, briefly cupping my chin before slipping past me.
With a little sigh, I closed the door, locking it behind me as I headed to the kitchen, where Eddie was already pulling a bottle of wine from my cooler. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company at nearly midnight on the weekend?”
Eddie stopped his uncorking process to shoot me a smile. “Gimme just a second, you’ll see. I can’t stay long, because I have a date, but I have something I want to show you.”
“A date, Eddie? It is the middle of the night!”
“What’s your point?”
I opened my mouth, then stopped, shaking my head. “I guess I have none. We are adults, no curfew.”
“That’s right. I ran into a group of four of the finest women I’ve ever seen on the way over here. They said they’re having a bachelorette’s night out… asked me to join. The future bride, in particular wanted to have some… fun.” Eddie gave me a grin. “I told little miss bride-to-be Kelly we could definitely have some fun.”
I cocked my head to the side. “The night before her wedding, Eddie? That’s terrible!”
“No, what’s terrible is having a wedding this time of year anyway, when it’s cold and gloomy like this. But, hey… if she’s not mad, neither am I. Besides, her future husband isn’t shit anyway, and she knows it. They keep making up, breaking up, you know how it goes. She’s one of those girls, who just wants the ring anyway.”
“How do you know her man is not… wait a minute… Kelly? Eddie…”
Kelly and Darren’s engagement turn up… no way, can’t be…
He grinned, giving me a sly wink. “Hold that thought for after this, okay?”
A few minutes later, we were seated together on my couch, wine in hand as Eddie pulled out his cell phone and turned on the screen. He held it up in front of us and turned up the volume.
Immediately, I recognized the place on the screen as Urban Grind, converted to the nighttime set up for Open Mic. What surprised me was the fact that Carter was on stage, with a mic perched in front of him, looking handsome, but not quite as laid-back as usual.
“Oh my God, he is so fine! I would wrap my hands up in those locs, and—”
“Girl, that man doesn’t want you. He’s spoken for, get your life.”
I gasped when I realized that was Eddie snapping at some poor innocent woman in the crowd. “Eddie, why did you do her like that?”
He shrugged. “I was tired of her, she wanted to take everybody home.”
“And you are judging her for this?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow.
“Focus on what matters,” he said, with a sly grin. “Did you know he was a little wannabe Verses and Flow artist?” When I didn’t respond, he sucked his teeth at my blank expression. “I forgot. Americanized, my ass. Poetry, Viv. Did you know he did poetry?”
“Oh! Yes, yes I did. Is that what is about to happen?” I asked, turning my eyes back to the screen. From the technicians behind him on stage, and the lights brought up to full brightness, I presumed that something had gone wrong with the sound system between performances, and Carter was waiting to start.
“You’re about to see.”
I held my breath as the lights went low, and the extra people exited the stage. Carter stepped up to the front of the stage, giving the crowd an easy, charming smile that made several people — mostly women — catcall in appreciation. He responded to that with another grin, an embarrassed one this time, and that only made them get louder.
“Would y’all stop? What, y’all tryna make me blush or something?” he asked, in that low sexy voice, and that was maybe a mistake, because there was a bit of a collective gasp, followed by a dull cacophony as the audience struggled with the apparent need to talk about him, and a desire to not make him nervous. As if they could make him nervous.
I thought I knew better, but really, watching him on screen instead of being mesmerized by his real, physical presence… Carter didn’t look that relaxed. His hands were shoved in his pockets when he wasn’t using one to rub the back of his neck, I could see the tension in his shoulders, and his eyes held the tiniest hint of anxiety. But then he shook his head, smiled again, and cool, composed Carter was back.
“So… I’m no Langston Hughes, but I do a little bit of writing… nothing that was ever really intended to share with the public, so it’s not the most polished, not perfect. But…it’s from the heart, and I’ve got somebody looking up to me that has something he’s scared—”
“I ain’t scared!” I heard Roderick call out from somewhere in the crowd, gaining a smattering of laughter and applause.
“Alright,” Carter said, chuckling. “Apprehensive, then. Does that work?” he asked, and presumably got an affirmative response from Rod, because he shook his head and continued. “Anyway, that,” — he pointed to Rod — “little motherfucker dared me to do something I was… apprehensive… about, because how I could encourage him to face his fears if I couldn’t face my own? So I’m doing exactly that, because adults know that if you want kids to eat their broccoli, you gotta eat yours first. So… here we go. This is called, The Gift.”
“I cannot watch this,” I said, tapping the screen of Eddie’s phone to pause the video. “My hands are so sweaty, I feel so… nervous.”
Eddie scowled at me. “Why?”
“I don’t know.” I frowned. “I just… I know his writing was very private for him, this feels like an invasion of that.”
“He recited it in front of a crowd, Viv. I’m pretty sure he understood that people were gonna hear it. You need to hear it. I didn’t use up all this good memory on my phone recording this for you to not watch.”
Eddie took the phone from me and hit play again, propping it against the stack of hardbound confectionery cookbooks on the coffee table so we could both see. My heart started racing, and butterflies went wild in my belly the moment Carter spoke his first words.
“My heart’s not on my sleeve, so she thinks I don’t care
Always thought actions spoke louder than words, but she’d rather hear it
But how do you put into words what doesn’t make sense in your head,
That she came out of nowhere, with her heart in shambles
Didn’t ask me to fix it, didn’t ask for first aid
But… how could I not try to ease her pain?”
“Uh-uh,” I said, shaking my head as I paused it again. My heart was somewhere around my throat, stomach churning as I processed Carter’s words.
“What’s the problem?” Eddie asked, as I lifted my glass to take a long gulp of wine.
I finished that glass and reached for the bottle to pour another. “What’s the problem? Are you serious? This is about me!”
Eddie sucked his teeth. “Um… Ms. Conceited, you don’t know that.”
Pausing with my glass in midair, I let that bounce around in my mind. I didn’t know that. This could be about any number of women from Carter’s past… or present. Or, completely fictional. I didn’t “know” it was about me.
“So can we continue, please?”
With a deep breath, and another deep swig from my glass, I nodded.
“She’s beautiful, and free, fresh air personified
The kind of ambush on your soul that you see from a mile back but run in anyway,
Willingly, gladly, you get all the way into this trap
Cause there’s a piece right there that’s broken
And you know how to mend it
You’ve been cleaning up that kind of mess since you were just a little dude
You didn’t even fully understand how big the wreckage was
But you found out that some damage needs a specialist
And once it’s cleaned up, you’re no longer neede
d
So you go for the ones that are uncomplicated
Cause all you have in the back of your mind is the one you loved first
The one you loved hardest, before you even knew what that was
Before you even knew who you were.
The one you fixed over and over until you couldn’t keep up…
And then… well, you’ve lost your usefulness.. haven’t you?
So they abandon you
They give you up
Cause who wants a junior repairman who can’t keep it together when the cops come?”
I paused the video again, turning to Eddie with drooping shoulders and a trembling chin.
“I know,” he nodded, his own voice sounding distinctly thick. “Not a dry eye in the house.”
Placing my glass on the table, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, unsurprised that I felt an overwhelming need to go and knock on Carter’s door.
“Let’s go ahead and finish it, okay?” Eddie asked, gesturing at the screen. I didn’t respond, just bit my lip as I looked away, and a few seconds later, Carter’s voice filled the room again, through the speakers of the phone.
“So yeah, you stuck to the ones who didn’t need that from you
Intact, undamaged, no snags to keep you boxed in and hooked on the kind of all-consuming love that only a woman like that has…
But then you see her, and you can’t help it, cause… damn… did you see her?
Beautiful, broken-hearted girl, in need of mending
And you know you should run in the other direction
But you can’t, because…damn…did you see her?
And before you know what happened, man, she’s fixing you
Filling up places you didn’t know were empty with energy and light
Warning you not to let the pretty face fool you cause she knows her shit
Opening her door for you at three in the morning cause she knows you need her to sleep
And turning you on without even trying
And making you think about shit like what you would name your kids,
And… putting her heart on the line even though you didn’t ask
Hell, you didn’t even know she was feeling like that
Cause remember… you’re the one that’s used to doing all the repairs
So when she wants to do some building of her own, you don’t know how to accept it…
So you don’t.
So… I guess it’s not really a surprise that she thinks I don’t care
When I rejected her offering and selfishly wanted to still be only her “friend”
Even though a “friend” is the last damn thing I want to “only” be
But I can’t give her those words
Can’t put it out there like that
Because she — he stopped to laugh — she’s got interesting adornments
in interesting places
And she’s brilliant, and feisty, and successful
And she’s funny, and she’s beautiful, and stronger than she knows
But then you look at yourself
And it doesn’t even feel like you’ve got your shit together
And the times when you feel like you’re enough aren’t enough
And you can’t find the words to just tell her that, so instead… you push her away
Cause you didn’t ask for her heart, remember?”
“I cannot do this,” I said, tapping the screen as I swallowed hard to clear my throat. “I cannot—”
Eddie put a hand on my shoulder. “He’s almost finished. Just listen.”
“But… retrospect is the clearest lens to view life,
the only way to filter through the bullshit and excuses
that you don’t even know you’re wallowing in until you’re on the other side
Nevertheless, you only have to break her heart once for her to never forget
So I can only hope that one day she can take a chance, and extend it again
And that time… I’ll shut the fuck up and accept my gift.”
The crowd erupted in snaps, complete with a few whistles, some cheers, and more than a couple of people shouted invitations to “make him feel better”, but Carter left the stage with no fanfare. The video ended, and Eddie turned to me, reaching forward to wipe tears from my face.
“So… tell me, Viv. After hearing that… are you feeling generous?”
— & —
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
I pushed myself away from my desk at Guilty Pleasures, not caring that my chair slammed into the file cabinet when I stood. Stomping to the door of the kitchen, I glanced around until I spotted Roderick, who was standing at one of the metal prep tables meticulously shaving a block of chocolate into the curls we sold and used as garnishes.
“What’s up boss lady?” He asked, looking up from his work with a smile.
“Please tell me you know things about… computers and technology and things.”
“Depends on what you need.”
I sighed, gently banging the side of my head in the doorframe. “The inventory program, it will not update for me, and I have been trying for nearly an hour.”
Roderick grimaced. “That, I can’t help with. Do you want me to call Carter? I’m sure he can—”
“No. No, it’s fine. It’s the middle of the day, he probably has clients at the shop.”
“Nah,” Rod said, shaking his head. “Carter barely goes to the shop anymore, he’s been making plans for his tech business. His college homeboy Brandon put him in touch with some chick from Texas who needs help building a program to help her organize some fancy speed dating shit for old single people.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “Old single people?”
“Yeah. Like, in their thirt—…. um, never mind. You want me to call him?”
“No,” I said, scowling at him for his “old people” crack. “I will see if I can figure it out.”
Since Eddie showed me that video of Carter basically spilling out his heart, I had been… not exactly avoiding him, but I certainly hadn’t put myself in a position for conversation either. Two days had passed, and truthfully, my emotions were in disarray when it came to him. There was a little voice over one shoulder frantically screaming that I should go to him, embrace him, explain to him that now, I “got” it, and I was willing to offer my heart again now that I understood where he was. However, the voice over the other shoulder was composed, and calm. It was saying… what if you go to him and he is still not ready? What if you put yourself out there — for him— yet again, only for it to get stomped on? Could I accept the emotional load of a man who had so much to say about our relationship, or lack thereof, yet nothing to say to me?
So, no, I did not want Rod to call his brother, because I wasn’t ready to be in the room with Carter. Not yet. But thirty minutes later, I still had not figured anything out about the computer, and I was so frustrated over it that I wasn’t even annoyed when Carter spoke my name from the doorway of my office. Rod had obviously called him anyway.
“Hey… Rod said you were having some computer troubles?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I cannot get this thing to update my stock like it should… If you could look at it for me…”
He smiled, sending heat that was now almost expected rushing between my thighs. “Of course. Get up, let me see what I can do.”
I relinquished my seat at the desk, taking a deep inhale as he passed me to sit down. Damn I missed that clean, leathery smell of him. His shirt, which I still had, had lost it long ago, and in a brief moment of insanity one day in the laundry room, I considered switching it out for another. When I opened the dryer, they were all right there, the Fresh Cuts logos taunting me “Just take one, Frenchy, he won’t miss it.”, before I recognized that those were crazy thoughts, and closed the lid…. but not before putting my head close for a nice, full sniff.
So, as long as I didn’t let my thoughts drift to emotional things, it was quite pleasan
t having Carter in my office, with me sitting on the file cabinet behind the desk so that he was near enough to still smell. “So I heard you have been working on building your software business,” I said, choosing what felt like a neutral topic, since I couldn’t stand the silence. “I was glad to hear it… I know it was something you wanted to do.”
“Yeah,” he said, giving me a short glance before he turned back to the screen. “Decided to go ahead and take the plunge.”
I nodded. “Very good. And… it seems like you are making great strides with Roderick… he has not been in trouble the entire… what has it been now, two months, that he has been here?”
“He has not.” There was tangible relief in Carter’s response, and it made me smile. “Speaking of Rod, how has he been with you? Has he been doing okay?” He spun the chair around, turning to face me. “I’ve been wanting to hear it from you, but we were… you know.” A note of sadness crossed his face, but he quickly schooled his features into an amiable mask. “Anyway, I kind of assumed the fact that you hadn’t dragged him back to me by the ear was a good sign.”
“It was,” I said, with another affirming nod. “Once I set him straight that first day, after calling me a “cougar”, he has been wonderful. He works very hard, learns fast. And he is very sweet. I think he looks at me as kind of a big sister.”
Carter cocked his head to the side and lifted an eyebrow, but didn’t respond before he turned the chair back around to face the computer.
“Whoa, wait a minute!” I caught the arm of the chair, turning him back to face me. “What is that about?”
“Nothing,” he said, barely holding back a grin as he shook his head. “If you think Rod thinks of you as a sister…”
“You think he does not?”
“He’s a teenaged kid, Viv! Have you seen yourself in a mirror?”
I scoffed. “I do not think he thinks of me like that anymore, not now that we have been working together, and we have established a relationship.”
Didn't Mean To Love You (Serendipitous Love Book 2) Page 16