by Ryan Schow
The problem with knowing what people were feeling is too often you knew how they were feeling, too. Raven learned early on to tread lightly around other people’s emotions, specifically their more intoxicating emotions. More often than not, they’d accidentally become hers. Like now. She felt the nudging of those feelings bumping against her, blossoming inside her.
Netty’s pain lanced her, tried to grab hold of her. Netty lost her baby. She still lost her best friend, her entire school, her sensei. If not for her mother, whom she was losing to Dante and their baby, she would have lost everything.
“Things aren’t always going to work out,” Raven said, “but we have to have each other. None of us is an island, Netty. I think once you hear me out, you’ll see that I tried to be an island for the sake of protecting others, but it didn’t work.”
“So what are you saying?” Netty asked, suddenly cold, the edges of her words frosted over and jagged.
“We need each other. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”
Just saying that made her friend start to pull away. Netty was wired to not need anyone, to not be weak, needy or dependent. She was pulling away for all the wrong reasons, which only made Raven want to try harder. The girl could run a deep freeze like no other. Under those brittle edges, however, was a girl who just wanted to be loved, cherished and protected.
But wasn’t that what all of them needed?
“Netty, please. I love you, you’re my sister,” Raven pleaded. “Actually, you’re more than that, so please don’t shut me out.”
Raven felt Netty’s tears coming about the same time hers were coming. Something in the girl finally broke. Letting go of everything, she turned her head into Raven and hugged her, putting her chin on Raven’s shoulder as her petite body trembled and shook.
“Everything went bad when you left,” she said, half sniffling, half crying.
Raven heard her friend, but it wasn’t the words that shattered her, it was the profound emotion behind them. Netty’s father went to jail, she had her first love, her first pregnancy, her first forced miscarriage. Her mother cheated on her father with a guy she was crushing on who quickly got her pregnant and now Irenka wanted to move them in with him. Netty couldn’t do it. She just couldn’t. Not when she was so incredibly attracted to Dante she felt constantly jealous of her mother.
“We need each other,” Raven whispered again, her words almost hypnotic.
“I know,” Netty said, sitting up, wiping her eyes and straightening her short blonde hair.
“Netty, if I tell you everything that’s happened to me, will you please at least hear me out?”
Her friend didn’t move. The stillness in her was a spark of indecision. It wasn’t a matter of whether or not Netty would listen. What Raven was really asking for (and Netty knew this) was that she consider the possibility of forgiveness. That, of course, meant Netty would have to let go of the past and be vulnerable once more for the sake of starting anew.
Netty couldn’t take anymore hurt. She could no longer harbor that debilitating feeling of betrayal from the one person who mattered most to her.
“Netty, please,” Raven implored, her emotions teeming once more. She took her friend’s hand, cradled it. “You’re my best friend, my oldest friend, and the way it looks, we might be all we have right now.”
She gently pulled her hand back and folded her arms. Then, turning those impossibly blue eyes on Raven, she said, “Okay then, I’m listening.”
Raven proceeded to tell her everything, leaving nothing out. Well, almost nothing. She didn’t tell her about two other versions of herself being in this timeline. And she didn’t tell her about Brayden being August. That was not her secret to reveal.
An hour passed before Raven finally stopped talking. Netty interrupted only a few times to ask questions, but then she was done and the two girls just sat there, dry-eyed and staring at each other. Yeah, it was like that. Netty finally blew out a breath and released all the tension she’d been holding in her neck and shoulders.
“I’m going to tell my mother you’re moving in,” Netty finally said. “I’m going to tell her I’m staying and she can go live with Dante. That we’re old enough to be on our own.”
“I certainly am,” Raven joked. Netty laughed half-heartedly, but Raven knew she was still processing everything and it would hit her in waves over the next few days. It’s not every day you hear such outlandish tales from a person who actually lived them.
In fact, it’s never that day.
“Are you working right now?” Netty asked. “Like, do you have a job or something?”
“I have money. Enough to pay the rent until you finish school. Do you really think your mother will let us live here without her supervision?”
“I think so. It’s just…the rent is a lot.”
“Netty,” Raven said, taking her hands, “I have more than enough money, and I have investments that grow monthly, which means you don’t have to worry about money. Just finish school and we’ll talk about what’s next for you. College or a job…it doesn’t matter to me. What matters is we’ll figure it out, if that’s what you want.”
Slowly, not taking her eyes off Raven, she nodded her head.
“We have to talk to your mother, though,” Raven said.
“It’ll be okay,” Netty said. “Remember when we had fake ID’s and she was mostly concerned with us getting caught?”
“She looked at mine for days,” Raven said, grinning.
“Yeah…like I said. I think it’ll be alright.”
“Absolutely not!” Irenka said, sitting up.
“Absolutely so,” Netty retorted.
Raven sat in the middle of the discussion, which wasn’t terribly comfortable. “I can step outside, if you’d like,” she said.
“No,” Irenka replied. “You want to live here, you can sit and be a part of this discussion.”
“I don’t need to live here,” I interjected, “I simply thought I could take over the lease and Netty could stay here and let you have your privacy with Dante. There’s no greater love than the first love shared between a new couple, especially one who is expecting, and I figure this was the best way to honor your relationship.”
“Cut the crap,” Irenka said, flashing her a look.
“It’s either this or live with my family,” Raven said, undeterred. “My parents and I get along best when I’m on my own, if you catch my drift.”
“What kind of trouble will you be getting in to?” Irenka asked, turning her full attention to Raven.
“None, actually,” Raven answered.
“You are two beautiful girls,” she mused. “Trouble is going to come after you no matter your intentions.”
If only she knew…
“I’m a writer, Irenka. A novelist. Any trouble I get in to will be on the pages of a book, not in real life. I mean look at me, I’m too delicate even for me.”
In the corner, I hear Netty cough out a laugh.
“What?” Irenka asks, shooting her daughter a fiery look.
“There was a boy at a club giving us a hard time. He was aggressive and beyond unpleasant, and he was very grabby,” Netty said.
Raven bumped off her mind and realized she was talking about the two boys who tried to rape her before Chloe intervened, the two boys they later saw in a club that Raven put down when she was Abby.
“Raven punched one of them in the face and dropped the other with an elbow. If trouble plans on finding us, believe me when I tell you, it’s in for a surprise.”
“Wasn’t that someone else who did that? One of your other friends?”
“Raven was there, too. She’s a student of Sensei Naygel’s as well, and a friend.”
“Like I said, trouble.”
“Says the woman with the baby in her belly and the boyfriend half her age,” Netty quipped.
Uh oh…
“The decisions I make—”
Netty held up her hand and said, “Just stop. Be quiet for one second.
I have an arrangement we can come to.”
This suddenly had all the flavor of a mafia movie, but Raven held her tongue and let Netty do her thing. Irenka, on the other had, folded her arms, took a laborious breath and scowled, waiting…
“Netty, don’t—” Raven said, suddenly realizing what her friend was about to do.
She looked at Raven, knowing her friend could read her mind and she said, “It’s the only way.”
Raven sat back, closed her mouth, not agreeing with what was coming but unable to stop it either.
Back to her mother, Netty said, “Either you move in with Dante and let me and Raven stay here or I will march right down to San Quentin and tell daddy exactly what’s going on. You think you can pretend the baby is mine when he gets out, but I will tell you right now, I’ll tell him about you and Dante, and about your baby.”
“That is preposterous!” Irenka snapped. Raven saw it in her face, though, in her features and in her feelings. The woman was painted into a corner and she knew it. “You are an uncivilized child. To go and hurt your father like that, over a tiff, a negotiation, speaks very little of your character.”
“What are you going to name your child?” Netty countered.
“Fine, fine, I agree,” she relented between gritted teeth. Then: “This is not an ideal situation, but there is no need for threats. Especially ones as pointed as these.”
“Can I add something?” Raven asked. Both sets of eyes flashed her way. “What is the one thing you’re most worried about with Netty?”
“Her getting pregnant,” she said without hesitation. “Again.”
“That won’t happen,” Netty said.
“Until it does,” Irenka responded. Motioning to her belly, she said, “Do you think I expected this?”
“She can get pregnant whether you live together or not. I’m a responsible person, Irenka. I’ll take care of the bills, the rent and the food. Netty will only have to focus on school. We’ll continue with karate, if Sensei wants, and on occasion we will use our fake ID’s to go to clubs, drink a little, meet boys who we may or may not make out with. But we will not bring them home, nor will we let them get us pregnant because neither of us wants that.”
“I don’t want that,” Netty said.
“I don’t want that for you,” Irenka added, “at least until it’s from a boy you love.”
“Do you love Dante?” Raven asked.
“I am infatuated with him. How he looks, how he takes care of me, how he loves me. So yes, I suppose in some sort of grown up way, I am.”
“What about daddy?”
“He made choices that put our family at risk. He left me alone, with you, without enough money to maintain our former life. I was humiliated. Desperate. Now I am not. The man I’m with is not a criminal, and he is not so unruly that he’s difficult to love.”
“I’ll make sure Netty is taken care of, and she can come and stay with you whenever you want. Likewise, you can always come back here if you need to. In fact, we can keep the lease in your name, so if circumstances ever become too difficult, or you need time alone, you will be giving up neither your freedom nor your independence.”
Now she looked at Raven and there was a measure of agreement in her eyes. “I think I can live with that,” she finally said. Then to her daughter: “Netty?”
“I won’t get pregnant, and I’ll finish school with good grades.”
Now that she had a place to stay, she headed over to the dojo looking for Sensei. Raven found him cleaning, the dojo’s signs torn down.
“I don’t know how to feel seeing you,” he said.
“I understand.”
“Should I hate you for bringing this to me, or thank you for healing me when I should be dead right now.”
“I can’t help you with that.”
“They cleared me of all charges, put the story in the paper, painted me out to be a victim, which they thought would absolve me of the stain of guilt, but it just made me look weak. I let my whole school die.”
“Not everyone reads the papers or watches the news anymore since mostly it seems full of shit these days, or too negative. You’ll start with two students, me and Netty. And from there we will rebuild.”
“I can’t pay the rent on this place without students,” he said.
“I’ll cover the rent until you get on your feet.”
“What can I teach you that you don’t already know about self-defense?” he asks, taking a long hard look at her.
He’s still undecided: should he let her help, or should he throw her out of his life for good? Bumping off his mind, he’s thinking she’s the darkness that converged upon his otherwise well founded life, and he has yet to resolve this dilemma in his head. Yet at his heart, she knew he still liked and appreciated her.
“You can teach me meditation, and possibly forgiveness,” she said. “By the way things are looking, we’re both going to need it.”
Chapter Nine
Elizabeth strolls into Sebastian’s surf shop, sees him and smiles. The very sight of him stills her beating heart, filling her mind with rich memories of them enjoying each other. Sebastian smiles back, but it’s a bit hesitant. Like he’s not sure how to act or behave. She could already tell what he was thinking. He was remembering New York. Mostly, however, Sebastian was thinking about Raven and Elizabeth telling him about the future, telling him they were the same person.
When he left New York to head back to California, he said he’d be with Elizabeth, but since then Elizabeth knew he’d been wondering what he was getting himself in to. Elizabeth was hoping now that he’d seen her, now that she had come back for him, he’d feel more resolved.
“Hey baby,” she said, grinning.
Just then, Corrine popped out from the back shop. Her smile became a frown. Elizabeth knew she was there, but that didn’t deter her.
She’d have to deal with the girl one way or another.
“Hi Corrine,” she said.
Corrine crossed her arms, frowned harder.
“Oh come on now,” Elizabeth said, “don’t be two years old here. We can all be adults about this.”
“You didn’t spend years with him,” she said. “But I did.”
“Yes, but you cheated, too, and that wasn’t right,” she said. Corrine’s face dropped, like a bomb was about to go off. Elizabeth wanted to stop it. “I’m not judging, or trying to flip the bitch card here, I’m just saying sometimes when things are bad but there’s no clean break, you do things like hook up with other people when what you should have done was take time apart, or cut it off.”
“I don’t really want to talk about this,” Sebastian said.
“You need to decide,” Corrine said to him, dropping the ultimatum. “Her or me.”
The very air around them changed, grew heavy, began to sour. Elizabeth didn’t like where this was going, but she also knew it needed to go there.
“I don’t think it’s that easy of a conversation,” he said, looking from her to Elizabeth. He failed to hide the sheepish look on his face. Elizabeth did her best not to judge him, but she was kinda irked by Corrine.
“It’s that kind of bullshit that drove him away in the first place,” Elizabeth heard herself say. “You go and cheat, then come back when he’s been with me and act like yours is the great, untold love story.”
“Don’t act like you know me,” Corrine said.
“Actually,” she said, pulling back, “I want to offer you a peace offering.”
“You’re going to head back to New York?”
“No, I’m staying here with Sebastian. Whether you want to come here and be sweet, act like the girlfriend you never really were and then slap down an ultimatum or not doesn’t matter. The second you let another man take you, you tore his heart out. He told you that, but you thought there was a way back. There isn’t.”
“Now you’re going to be his everything?” she said, crossing her arms, giving Elizabeth that challenging, bitchy look.
; “My peace offering is a new chance at love.”
“Oh?”
“I’m going to find you a guy, so you can leave me in peace with mine.”
“I haven’t said I will be with you,” Sebastian said.
“You don’t need to,” she said. “I can already see in your face what you want. You should just tell her already and get it over with.”
Corrine looked at him and said, “Is this true?”
Painfully, with a heavy heart, he turned and looked at Corrine. Elizabeth saw it all. Felt it. He wanted to tell her the truth, but he was afraid of what she’d do, how she’d act, what she’d feel. He still cared about her. Elizabeth didn’t blame him. He had a different plan for her than she had for him.
“Yes,” he said.
Now Elizabeth watched the defiant girl become the bruised girl, the wounded girl, the dejected girl.
“Is it because she’s better looking than me?” she asked.
“No,” he said. “It’s because you cheated.”
“I know it was wrong, but that’s what helped me realize I want to be with just you. Not just as boyfriend and girlfriend, but for life.”
Corrine was talking about marriage, and though Elizabeth knew she wasn’t lying about how she felt and what she found, it was affecting Sebastian. This made him think about what he’d wanted for them, about their life together. He turned and looked at Elizabeth with an aggrieved look in his eye.
Holy crap, she thought. Am I losing him?
Elizabeth was thinking she could be the hottest girl ever, she could be the best sex ever, and she could give him everything he ever wanted, but she couldn’t take away the years he and Corrine spent together. And he couldn’t remove his history. Well, she could if she wanted to erase their minds, but that would be cheating and she wasn’t going to be that kind of a girl.
“Well I’m a bit hungry, so I’m gonna grab a sandwich and a soda,” Elizabeth said. “If you want to sort things out with her, I’ll be at a table, by myself.”
She started to walk out of the surf when Sebastian said, “Wait.”
Elizabeth stopped, purposely working not to invade his thoughts. She just stared at him as he took a deep, stabilizing breath.