Roz could cry with relief. He's wrong, of course; whatever Zenia had, whatever her magic was, it transcended image-of-the-month. But she loves what he just said. "Boyce," she tells him, "you're a goldarn jewel."
Boyce smiles. "I try to be," he says.
15
Roz parks the Benz in an outdoor lot off Queen and hopes that nobody will flatten her tires, jimmy her trunk, or scratch her clean, recently polished dark blue paint while she's in having lunch. True, it's broad daylight, the car's in a supervised lot, and this isn't New York. But things are deteriorating, and even while she locks the door she's conscious of a dozen shadowy forms, out there on the sidewalk, huddled cloth-covered shapes, undernourished red eyes sizing her up, calculating whether she's good for a touch.
It's the Hearts, the Eyes, the Kidneys, and the Livers, but at a more basic level. She carries a clutch of pink two-dollar bills, ready in her pocket so she doesn't even have to slow down to open her purse. She will dole to left and to right as she runs the gauntlet from here to the Toxique. To give is a blessing, or so her father used to say. Does Roz agree? Do chickens have lips? To give is basically a drag these days, because it doesn't get you anything, it won't even buy you a scratch-free car, and for why? Because those you give to hate you. They hate you because they have to ask, and they hate you for being able to give. Or else they're professionals and they despise you for believing them, for feeling sorry for them, for being such a gullible dork. What happened to the Good Samaritan, afterwards? After he'd rescued the man fallen among thieves, lugged him off the roadside, carted him home, fed him some soup, and tucked him into the guest room overnight? The poor sappy Samaritan woke up in the morning to find the safe cracked and the dog strangled and the wife raped and the gold candlesticks missing, and a big pile of shit on the carpet, because it was just stick-on wounds and fake blood in the first place. A put-up job.
Roz has a quick flashback to Zenia, Zenia standing on their front steps, hers and Mitch's, after one of those dinner parties in the early eighties, the ones when Roz was still susceptible to Zenia's act, still promoting her, still inviting her. Zenia, in a tight red suit with jutting shoulders, a flared peplum at the back of the jacket skirting the curve of her neatly packed bum; Zenia in spike heels, hip cocked, one hand on it. She was only a little drunk; same with Roz. Zenia kissed Roz on the cheek because they were such friends, such pals and cohorts, and smiled mischievously at wretched Mitch, whose wretchedness Roz had stupidly failed to recognize. Then she turned to go down the steps, lifting her hand in a gesture oddly reminiscent of a newsreel general saluting the troops, and what was it she'd said? Fuck the Third World! I'm tired of it!
So much for the proprieties. So much for earnest old Roz and her poky, boring charities, her handouts to the Raped Moms and Battered Grannies, and, at that time, the whales and the famine victims and the village self-helpers, dowdy plump mommy Roz, shackled to her boring old conscience. It was a selfish, careless remark, a daring remark, a liberated remark - to hell with guilt! It was like speeding in a convertible, tailgating, weaving in and out without signalling, stereo on full blast and screw the neighbours, throwing your leftovers out the window, the ribbons, the wrapping paper, the half-eaten filo pastries and the champagne truffles, things you'd used up just by looking at them.
The worst of it was that Roz - although shocked, although gabbling, Oh Zenia, you don't mean that! - had felt an answering beat, in herself. A sort of echo, an urge to go that fast, be that loose, that greedy, herself, too. Well, why not? You think they'd lift a finger, in the Third World, if it was you? It was like that ad, for a car if she remembers rightly: Make Dust Or Eat It. Those were the choices on offer, then.
And Roz made dust, a lot of it, gold dust, and Zenia made a lot of dust too, though of a different kind. And now she is dust. And ashes, and so is Mitch. That's the taste Roz has now, in her mouth.
Roz teeters across the gravel, hits the sidewalk, and hurries towards the Toxique, as fast as her tight skirt will let her. There's a random flutter of hands held out, of thin murmuring voices, pale unhappy voices like those at the edge of sleep. She presses crumpled balls of money into the shaking fingers, the worn gloves, without looking, because if there's anything they resent it's your curiosity. So would she in their place. Ahead of her she spots Tony, coming along at her even-footed pony's trot. Roz waves an arm and yoo-hoos, and Tony stops and smiles, and Roz feels a warm rush of pleasure. Such a comfort!
And Charis is a comfort, too, sitting at the table already, flapping her hand in welcome. Kiss kiss, goes Roz, to either cheek, and plops herself into a chair, digging in her purse for her cigarettes. She intends to enjoy this lunch, because these two women are safe: of everyone she knows, her kids included, these two alone want nothing from her. She can slip her shoes off under the table, she can hold forth and laugh and say whatever she likes, because nothing's being decided, nothing's being demanded; and nothing's being withheld either, because the two of them know everything already. They know the worst. With them, and with them alone, she has no power.
Along comes the waitress - where do they get these clothes? Roz truly admires the nerve, and wishes she had some of it herself. Leopard-skin tights and silver boots! These are not outfits, these are costumes, but who are these people trying to be? Celebrants. But of what? What strange religion? Roz finds the Toxique denizens fascinating, but also a little scary. Every time she goes to the ladies' she's afraid of opening the wrong door down there, by mistake, and stumbling upon some kind of unholy rite. Orgies! Human sacrifices! No, that's going too far. But something she shouldn't know about, something that will get her in trouble. Some awful movie.
That's not the real reason she's drawn to the Toxique, however. The real reason is that, try as she may, she can't keep her hands off the laundry. She cruises her kids' rooms like a bottom-feeding fish, retrieving a dirty sock here, some underpants there, and she found a Toxique match folder in the pocket of Larry's crumpled shirt, and another one the next week. Is it so unnatural, to want to know where your son spends his time? At night, of course; he wouldn't be there at lunch. But she's compelled to keep an eye on the place, check in once in a while. It gives her more of a handle: at least he goes somewhere, he doesn't just vanish into thin air. But what does he do here, and who does he do it with?
Nothing and nobody, maybe. Maybe he just eats here, like her.
Speaking of which. She runs a finger down the menu - she's so hungry she could eat a horse, though she knows better than to use such an expression in front of Charis. What she settles on is the Thick-cut Gourmet Toasted Cheese Sandwich, on Herb and Caraway Seed Bread, with Polish Pickle. Solid peasant food, or an imitation of it. The Poles should have it so good, right now they're probably exporting all their pickles for hard currency. She gives her order to the tousle-haired waitress - could this be the attraction, for Larry? a serving wench? - and settles down to pick Tony's brain on the subject of the Middle East. Whenever something major happens there, the business world ripples.
Tony is so satisfying too, because however pessimistic Roz may be about current affairs, Tony is worse. She makes Roz feel like a naive young bubblebrain, such a refreshing change! Over the years they have deplored the U.S. presidency, shaken their heads while the Tories shredded the country, cast dire auguries from their analysis of Margaret Thatcher's hairdo, a militaristic sheet-iron coiffure if ever there was one, said Tony. When the Wall fell, Tony predicted waves of outgoing East Bloc immigrants, and rising resentment of them in the West, and Roz said, Oh surely not, because the thought of immigrants being resented bothers her a lot. None is too many, is what some Canadian government pooh-bah said about the Jews, during the war.
But things are getting more confusing: for instance, how many immigrants can you fit in? How many of them can you handle, realistically, and who is them, and where do you draw the line? The mere fact that Roz is thinking this way shows the extent of the problem, because Roz knows very well what it's like to be them. By no
w, however, she is us. It makes a difference. She hates to be dog-in-the-manger, but she has to admit that Tony has been - however discouragingly - right on the money. Roz admires that. If only Tony would turn her predictive abilities to something more lucrative, like the stock market.
Tony's always so cool about everything, though. So matter-of-fact. What did you expect? she asks, with her round surprised eyes. Her surprise is for other people's hopefulness, their innocence, their mushy desire that everything will somehow turn out for the best.
Meanwhile, Charis, who doesn't believe in deaths, only in transitions, gets upset at the thought of all the riots and wars and famines Tony goes on about, because so many people will be killed. It isn't the deaths themselves, she tells them - it's the nature of the deaths. They aren't good deaths, they are violent and cruel, they are incomplete and damaged, and the evil effects will linger on like a sort of spiritual pollution for years and years. It's contaminating merely to think about this stuff, according to Charis.
"It's already been decided," says Tony. "It was decided as soon as Saddam crossed that border. Like the Rubicon."
The Rubicon, the Rubicon. Roz knows she's heard that word before. A river; somebody crossed it. Tony has a whole list of rivers that people crossed, with world-changing results, at some time or another. The Delaware, that was Washington. The Germanic tribes crossing the Rhine and overthrowing the Roman Empire. But the Rubicon? Well, how stupid of Roz! Julius Caesar, for a full ten points!
Then it comes to Roz in a flash of light - what a great lipstick name! A great series of names, names of rivers that have been crossed, crossed fatefully; a mix of the forbidden, and of courage, of daring, a dash of karma. Rubicon, a bright holly-berry. Jordan, a rich grape-tinged red. Delaware, a cerise with a hint of blue - though perhaps the word itself is too prissy. Saint Lawrence - a fire-and-ice hot pink - no, no, out of the question, saints won't do. Ganges, a blazing orange. Zambezi, a succulent maroon. Volga, that eerie purple that was the only shade of lipstick those poor deprived Russian women could lay their hands on, for decades - but Roz can see a future for it now, it will become avant-retro, a collector's item like the statues of Stalin.
Roz carries on with the conversation, but in her head she's furiously planning. She can see the shots of the models, how she wants them to look: seductive, naturally, but challenging too, a sort of meet-your-destiny stare. What was it Napoleon crossed? Only the Alps, no memorable rivers, worse luck. Maybe a few snippets from historical paintings in the background, someone waving a gusty, shredded flag, on a hill - it's always a hill, never for instance a swamp - with smoke and flames boiling around. Yes! It's right! This will go like hotcakes! And there's one final shade needed, to complete the palette: a sultry brown, with a smouldering, roiling undernote. What's the right river for that?
Styx. It couldn't be anything else.
It's at this moment that Roz catches the look on Tony's face. It isn't fear, exactly: it's an intentness, a focusing, a silent growl. If Tony had hackles they'd be raised, if she had fangs they'd be bared. This expression is so unlike the normal Tony that it scares Roz to bits.
"Tony, what's wrong?" she says.
"Turn your head slowly," says Tony. "Don't scream."
Oh shit. It's her. In the flesh.
Roz has no doubt, not a moment of it. If anyone can come back from the dead, if anyone would be determined to do it, it's Zenia. And she's back, all right. She's back in town, like the guy in the black hat in Western movies. The way she's striding through the room proclaims her sense of re-entry, of staking out the territory: a tiny contemptuous upcurved smirk, a conscious pelvic swagger, as if she's got two pearl-handled revolvers slung on her hips and is just waiting for an excuse to use them. Her perfume trails behind her like the smoke from an insolent cigar. While the three of them sit huddled at their table, cowards all, pretending not to notice and avoiding eye contact and acting like the Main Street folks who dive for cover behind the dry-goods counter, keeping out of the line of fire.
Roz reaches down for her purse, sneaking a peek at Zenia over her lowered shoulder, taking her measure, as Zenia undulates into a chair. Zenia is still magnificent. Though Roz knows how much of her is manufactured, it makes no difference. When you alter yourself, the alterations become the truth: who knows that better than Roz, whose hair tints vary monthly? Such things are not illusions, they are transformations. Zenia is no longer a small-titted person with two implants, she's a big-breasted knockout. The same goes for the nose job, and if Zenia's hair is turning grey it's invisible, she must have a top-notch colourist. You are what they see. Like a renovated building, Zenia is no longer the original, she's the end result.
Still, Roz can picture the stitch marks, the needle tracks, where the Frankenstein doctors have been at work. She knows the fault lines where Zenia might crack open. She would like to be able to say a magic word - Shazam! - that would cause time to run backwards, make the caps on Zenia's teeth pop off to reveal the dead stumps underneath, melt her ceramic glaze, whiten her hair, shrivel her amino-acid-fed estrogen-replacement skin, pop her breasts open like grapes so that their silicone bulges would whiz across the room and splat against the wall.
What would Zenia be then? Human, like everyone else. It would do her good. Or rather it would do Roz good, because it would even the odds. As it is, Roz is going to war armed only with a basketful of nasty adjectives, a handful of ineffectual pebbles. What exactly can she do, to Zenia? Not a heck of a lot, because there can't be anything Zenia wants from her. Any more.
In the midst of her vengeful and fatalistic meditations, it occurs to her that Zenia may not just sit there and wait for Roz to attack. She may be here for a reason. She may be on the prowl. Hide the silver! What does she want, who is she out to get? At the thought that it might be her - though how, though why? - Roz shivers.
16
How did Roz get here, outside the Toxique? It must have been via her feet, but she can't recall gathering her purse, getting up, bravely, stupidly turning her back on Zenia, walking; she's been teleported, as in sci-fi movies of the fifties, reduced to a swirl of black-and-white zits, then reconstituted outside the door. She hugs Tony goodbye, and then Charis. She doesn't kiss their cheeks. Kisses are show-off, hugs are for real.
Tony is so little, Charis is so thin, both are shaken. She feels as if she's hugging the twins, one and then the other, on the morning of their first day at school. She wants to spread her hen wings over them, reassure them, tell them that everything will be all right, they just have to be courageous; but these are grown-ups she's dealing with, both of them smarter than she is in their different ways, and she knows they wouldn't believe a word of it.
She watches them walk away, Tony scuttling along her invisible trajectory, Charis ambling, a hesitant lope. Both smarter than she is, yes; Tony has a brilliant mind, within limits, and Charis has something else, harder to put your finger on but uncanny; sometimes she gives Roz the creeps because she knows things she has no way of knowing. But neither one of them has any street smarts. Roz keeps expecting them to wander out into the traffic and be squashed by trucks, or to be mugged, right before her very eyes. Excuse me, ma'am, this is a mugging. Pardon? A what? What is a mugging? Can I help you with it?
No street smarts at all, and Zenia is a street fighter. She kicks hard, she kicks low and dirty, and the only counterploy is to kick her first, with metal cleats on your boots. If there's going to be knife play, Roz will have to rely on herself alone. She doesn't need Tony's analysis of knives through the ages or Charis's desire not to discuss sharp items of cutlery because they are so negative. She just needs to know where the jugular is, so she can go for it.
The difficulty is that Zenia doesn't have a jugular. Or if she does Roz has never been able to figure out where it is, or how to get at it. Zenia of old had no discernible heart, and by now she may not even have blood. Pure latex flows in her veins. Or molten steel. Unless she's changed, and it hardly looks that way. In any case this is
the second time round, and Roz is ready for it, and much less vulnerable, because this time there's no more Mitch.
All of this resolution and bravura is very well, but when Roz gets back to her car she finds a little message scratched in her paint, on the driver's door. Rich Bitch. A neatly lettered message, relatively polite - in the States it would have been Cunt - and ordinarily Roz would merely have calculated the cost of the repair and how much time it would take to get it done, and whether it's deductible. Also she would take out her annoyance by making a scene with the parking lot attendant. Who did this? What do you mean, you don't know? What were you, asleep? Darn it, what the heck do they pay you for?
But today she's not in the mood. She unlocks her car, checks the back seat to make sure nobody's in there - she hasn't read all those sex-killing thrillers for nothing - gets in, locks the door again, and has a small cry, in her usual position, with her forehead on the steering wheel and her new cotton hankie at the ready. (The twins have outlawed paper tissues. They're relentless, they don't give two hoots about Maria's extra ironing. Pretty soon Roz won't even be allowed toilet paper, they'll make her use old T-shirts. Or something.)
Her tears are not tears of mourning, nor of despair. They are tears of rage. Roz knows the flavour well. But at her age, rage for the sake of rage is becoming less and less worth it, because every time you grind your teeth a few of them could break off. So she blots her face, finishing with her sleeve because her hankie is soaked, re-does her lipstick (Rubicon, here I come), touches up her mascara, and guns her motor, gravel spewing from beneath her wheels. She half hopes she can graze a fender on the way out, pass along some anger - Oops! So-o-o sorry! It would be a substitute, the next best thing to strangling Zenia. But there's no car in a prime position, and the attendant's looking. Oh well, it's the thought that counts.
Roz goes up to her office - Hi Nicki, Hi Suzy, How's it going Boyce, anything important, is there some more coffee, hold the calls, say I'm in a meeting - and shuts the door. She sits in her leather chair and lights up, and ferrets in her in-basket for a chocolate, one of those round Viennese things with portraits of Mozart on them, Mozart Balls is what the kids call them, and chews and swallows, and drums her fingers on her unsatisfactory desk. Mitch is staring at her and it bothers her, so she gets up and turns the picture around, averting his gaze. You aren't going to like this, she tells him. He didn't the last time, either. Once he found out what she'd been doing.
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